Turn the baby monitor off before you argue

Molondy says:

08:28am | 04/01/10

It doesn’t matter how well your kids usually sleep overnight, or how late they sleep in the morning, they always ALWAYS know when you have had a late night and too much to drink and will, accordingly, wake up with (perhaps even before) the birds the next day….

Lisa says:

09:43am | 04/01/10

My last baby slept much more happily in our newer, larger house. For some reason when the first two children were her age, they always woke several times through the night. But when we moved to a bigger house, where the parents room was some way from the childrens’ section, viola! happy baby.

H of SA says:

09:43am | 04/01/10

Here is one, maybe the most important one to remember. Almost without exception when parenting is discussed in the mainstream media and often in resource books for parents they tend to stay well clear of an important concept. One thing very few people are brave enough to tell parents this:

Parenting is actually about what is good for your kids.

They are more vulnerable than you, and therefore need to be the focus of attention - not the parent.

The next time I have to hear anything about parenting that focus on the needs of the parent and completely ignores even discussing what would be of benefit to the child I may have to commit violence against the radio/newspaper/computer/tv that brought this crap into our lives

Davy says:

09:44am | 04/01/10

Always remember your kids get to choose which nursing home you go to.

Lisa says:

10:10am | 04/01/10

‘They are more vulnerable than you, and therefore need to be the focus of attention - not the parent. ‘
Hear, hear, H of SA.  But we already knew that, didn’t we?

Also, for weaning infants, apple sauce improves every dish. Yes, every dish, even tuna casserole.

Nads says:

10:21am | 04/01/10

You will never ever ever get to go to the toilet uninterrupted again. This should also come with advice as to what the appropriate response is when the child peers into the loo while you are in situ and says “are you doing poo mummy? and can i see” !!!

similar also applies to having a shower

Caro says:

10:22am | 04/01/10

You will be proud to bring up your children with open minds, always encouraging them to ask questions until they inevitably get on a train and say loudly ‘Mummy, why is that woman so fat?  Is it because she eats too much?’

Lisa says:

10:26am | 04/01/10

Becoming a parent will make you prone to tearing up at the mere sight of a baby. Reading an article detailing the abuse or death of a child will make you upset perhaps for weeks.

Small children will love you in spite of your parenting shortfalls.
Their loyalty and ability to look on the bright side will again inspire you to weep.

Their cruelty to younger siblings will cause you to consider anti-psychotic drugs. The sheer nastiness, pettiness and rivalry - and it’s neverending nature -  will cause you to gain a deeper understanding of the political urge.

Steve says:

11:17am | 04/01/10

Great parenting is about imparting values by modeling.

If you teach your children to respect others, they will respect you too, and will need very little discipline.

If you teach your children to respect themselves, they will choose friends well, and will not be led astray by their peer group.

If you teach your children to work hard, they will do their best at school without coaching.

If you find yourself stressing about your children’s discipline, peer influences or educational outcomes then you are treating the symptoms, not the cause.

Invest lots of time building strong parent-child relationships (not equal friendships) with your children, in which you can model your values, and the rest will work itself out.

You cannot outsource parenting. It needs quantity time, not just quality time. It needs you to model your values with integrity and consistency. All the parenting tips in the world will not help if you do not get the basic modeling right.

Peter says:

11:20am | 04/01/10

“Kids are what happen when you’ve made other plans.”
Get ready to have the door yanked open when you are hiding in the toilet for a few minutes far from the maddening crowd.
Understand where politicians come from when you see the pettiness and frustration of sibling rivalry.
Prepare to cry when you see children being bullied, abused and killed through the sheer mindless egotistical stupidity of adults.
Tough love takes a lot of courage.
Teach your children to laugh at their silly mistakes - the world is not going to end because they knocked a glass of milk over.
Learn to say sorry to your children.

Isabel Storey says:

11:41am | 04/01/10

Three things I wish my grand children had been exposed to - the first is a set of reins on a harness which allows a child to run about while still be kept safely within parental control while in public. The second is a playpen which allows the child to play safely without being underfoot and is also a good time out place without making the bedroom a place of banishment. The third is that the parents understood that learning to control bladder and bowels can begin when the child starts walking. I am appalled at the marketing of disposable nappies which cater to allowing the toddler to be aware that it has wet itself instead of the toddler being taught that awareness and self control begin at that age. I posit that a thesis could be written showing how lack of self control and discipline in later years can be traced back to an over use of disposable nappies.

Nicole says:

12:11pm | 04/01/10

Isobel, I totally hear your point about nappies. The looks I get from other mums when I say that I plan to potty train when my son can walk is astounding. Apparently 3-4 years old is the average age these days? That just seems wrong.

The biggest thing I can say to parents is to be prepared for tonnes of unwanted “advice” on how to parent. Some of it is good, some of it is utter crap. Do what you think is best. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Trying to be supermum (Or superdad!) sometimes just ends in tears.

Isabel Storey says:

12:30pm | 04/01/10

Nicole, it is wrong - as I understand it, the ability to control the anal sphincter develops with the ability to walk. I was blissfully unaware of the average age these days - can imagine that a really devious child (and some are!) could use such knowledge to punish a parent by deliberately crapping at a moment of greatest inconvenience.
That’s another thing - NEVER underestimate a child’s intelligence!

Dave C says:

12:45pm | 04/01/10

MY wife and I are pregnant with our first…. its due in early May and as the kids say in the chat rooms.. OMFG…..... I am reading and taking everything in from this article and yeah…frankly I am scared. 

I mean I want the kid.. (we had to go IVF 3 times) we have the mortgage, I have a good job she is about to give up her good job etc the 2 nice cars and extended family close but yeah… I just hope we can cope especially after everything I have read here on this blog.

Your thoughts fellow bloggers

jim says:

01:06pm | 04/01/10

1. Use an expensive brand nappy, ie Huggies. Otherwise the liquid-poo will stain the clothes, your pants, the carpet, the bed…etc

2. Get rid of chemicals in the house, no point making your house clean, cause the kid will develop allergies without naturally fighting off diseases. It explains why myself and all my cousins born in HK have no allergies. The “Clean” cousin has an allergy to penuts, nuts, milk… the lot. He might as well not have a life, watching us eat mint choc chip icecream… I can see him feeling emotional pain.

3. Get a (baby friendly) dog… AFTER your baby is born.  you need to destress with a dog, you don’t want to dog to get jealous hence “AFTER”, and you need the baby to put their attention on the dog. Otherwise you’re in for a long journey on (spending thousands and thousands of dollars in) buying Toys and keeping the baby happy.

4.  Theres more, I’ll post more later

Michellemac says:

01:07pm | 04/01/10

You can’t watch the news - especially disasters and crimes against children - in the same way ever again!

There are kids movies made with adult viewers in mind but there are a hell of a lot that aren’t….

A child’s capacity for the same book/movie/tv show over and over and over and over and over and over again knows no bounds.

You will never get the same urge to repeatedly rabbit punch someone in the windpipe as desperately as you will when confronted by smug know-it-alls telling you why what *they* did is so much better than what *you* are doing…

Isabel Storey says:

01:16pm | 04/01/10

Take a deep breath and RELAX.
My daughter in law and I differ on what it means to be a “good” mother/parent. she thinks a good mother has happy children and possibly a mucky house. I have never concerned myself with how ‘happy’ my mob were, rather I concerned myself with raising competent adults - her husband irons his own shirts! :>)

At Work (or not) says:

01:17pm | 04/01/10

@ H of SA- you’re right, but there has to be balance. You want all family members happy and healthy, not a happy healthy child and screaming heap of a parent. That just does not work.

My piece of advice? Show and tell at school is how teachers find out about home life. Remember that everything you say or do will be repeated and discussed. Children soak up everything- and it gets squeezed out at the worst times.

Dave says:

01:18pm | 04/01/10

Parenting is easy. All you need to remember is that your needs/wants come second to your childs.

Simple.

That’s why Dad’s never get post natal depression….we are already used to our own needs/wants be subservient to the needs/wants of the missus

Nicole says:

01:21pm | 04/01/10

Dave, don’t be scared. When you see your child for the first time every fear you had will be washed away and replaced an overwhelming sense of joy, love and pride. Even when things are hard, it all seems so trivial when you get a big gummy smile or a cuddle.

Isobel, I wasn’t aware of the control issue. Thanks for pointing it out! Naive little me was just following in my mums footsteps, since she had both my brother and I completely potty trained before two.

There’s a school of thought that you’ll psychologically scar the kids or they’ll regress if you potty train too soon, but I like to think I’m living proof that you’ll turn out just fine if you ditch the nappies early!

Ooh, that’s another point! “Experts” are always changing their recommendations. It’s very frustrating sometimes when you’re looking to professionals for help and no two have the same opinion!

Jo - Living Savvy says:

02:37pm | 04/01/10

Phew ...I thought I was alone in never being able to stack the kids book neatly..they are always falling over or falling out of the cupboard and I am a very neat stacker usually!

Kay says:

03:01pm | 04/01/10

You will never be able to have an uninterrupted phone conversation again. They don’t want to know about you till the phone rings and then it is extremely urgent that they tell you something right now this very second eg “Barbie is getting ready to go to her birthday party tonight”

zoe says:

03:11pm | 04/01/10

they have a natural magnetic pull towards their parents at home.  They can be quite happily involved in an activity and ignoring you and you go elsewhere and somehow they all end up where you are.  This force unfortunately does not occur in open spaces rather the opposite happens.

Razor says:

06:19pm | 04/01/10

If you plan to build a new house and have a baby, the house will always be finished after the birth.

iansand says:

06:46pm | 04/01/10

Bringing up kids is an adventure.  No advice will prepare you for it.

Enjoy, adapt and do what seems right.  However, remember that regardless of the existence of a child, you (and by extension, the child) remain a member of society and you should behave as though that remains the case.  It does.

What gave you the shits when you were without offspring gives the rest of the universe the shits now you have children.  Remember that.  The fact that you have required your young children to behave according to societal norms pays off with a socially well adjusted adolescent.

Fran says:

06:56pm | 04/01/10

Dave - I want to echo what Nicole said. It all sounds terrible untill you hold that little one in your arms, then it is all do-able. Plenty of it is even funny. I never thought I could laugh at being crapped on, but I did when my new little girl squirted one at me (yes squirted).

Jones says:

07:25pm | 04/01/10

The childless will berate you, refer to you as a “breeder” and claim you have no rights to be in a cafe/bus/aeroplane/supermarket with your child. It helps to remember that they are sad and alone.

Rob Pegley says:

10:20pm | 04/01/10

Thanks everyone, these are superb entries! Some made me laugh out loud, some gave me a wry smile, and I must admit I didn’t expect the phrase “as I understand it, the ability to control the anal sphincter develops with the ability to walk” to crop up in response to anything I ever wrote. Ever. But if the book ever gets up as a stocking filler then that phrase is in there!

Lisa, you’re so right. Having kids has made me such a weeper. Not only in relation to child-related things. I can be in floods of tears at the end of Domestic Blitz these days. In fact thinking about it now, I also used to crave testing books and films - I was a literature snob and sought out obscure European films - but these days I’m so emotionally drained by life itself that Adam Sandler movies will do me fine.

Dave - fear not, having children is the best and worst thing you will ever do. I used to think having children seemed boring before I had them, but its the most testing and rewarding thing imaginable. People go on backpacking trips to India to ‘find themselves’. In my opinion you find yourself when three children under the age of three are all awake at 4am in the morning for the 25th night running. If you crave a life that is full of highs and lows - which is how I think life should be - then you’ll love having kids.

Okay, it’s gone 11pm, I’m off to bed, where one of my daughters is currently sleeping like a starfish. After a big argument with her brother, she’d only calm down if she could sleep in mummy and daddy’s bed. It’s probably wrong to indulge her I’m sure, but it’s a bit chilly this evening and she does warm the bed up so well. I’ll therefore prop my 105kg frame onto four inches of mattress, and wave to my wife on the other side of the bed as we read our books.

Vicki PS says:

01:38am | 05/01/10

1.  Pushchairs NEVER fold when you need to check them as baggage on a very busy flight.
2.  By the time your child is old enough to appreciate construction toys and jigsaw puzzles, at least 1/3 of the pieces will be missing.
3.  If your child is ill enough for Nana to be worried, it’s time to call the doctor.
4.  No-one is charmed by a shrieking tantrum-ing child, but sensible people will realise that that’s what kids do sometimes.  It’s what you do in response that matters.
5.  If you are a mother, at some point you WILL find yourself using saliva to wipe your baby’s face clean.
6.  Nothing beats a toddler’s hug for instant relaxation.
7.  Nanas are your best allies!

Ali Mc says:

01:45am | 05/01/10

First rule of parenting - it is OK to tell someone to go and %$#@ themselves if they offer adice that has not been asked for.  Don’t give up swearing until the child is about 6 months old! By then dotty old aunts will have got the message. (Get a good GP / child heath nurse.  All will be fine).

PS - Note to Isabel Storey - Ever asked your kids if they felt happy growing up or were you too concerned about their bowels?

Jamie Ragen says:

10:25am | 05/01/10

NUMBER 1 for me is: Instructions on taking kids to the beach.
I used slap on some zink and a pair of boardies, board under the arm and off I’d go.

Recently my wife and I observed it takes us about 40 mins just to get out the door after corralling the grommets into one area bathing them in 30+ from head to toe, packing a beach bag with current favourite toys, hats and rash vests on, body board and surf boards on the roof, drinks, lunch snacks into cool bag. Towels and sun shade in the back of the car and off we go.

Once at the beach, unpack car, ‘few it’s hot’, first trip down to the sand with towels and kids, one under each arm as the sand is too hot. Back up to the car where I pass my wife loaded up with bags hats etc. I grab 2 boards under each arm and down I go again. ‘Man that water looks good’, but first up goes the sun shade (so easy to put up), dust of some sand from half eaten banana, and try and explain the finer points of the ‘10 second rule’ to a 4 year old

Into the water I go.

Then repete on the return journey except I have an open sun shade that I have just spent 10minutes trying to fold back into a neet circle (how do you get those things back into their bag?) and two crumbed cutlets that have an even coating of sand on every inch of their bodies.

Into the car, ‘few it’s hot’ and ‘man that water looks good’

Lisa says:

12:11pm | 05/01/10

I love this thread.
Rob, yes, sleeping on 4inches of bed is a skill that doting dads seem to excel in, my husband 110kg eek! is also adept at getting his full eight hours on a sliver of mattress, and wake up smiling. Trooper.

Dave, don’t be afraid. It takes almost a year to grow a baby, and then another twenty to ‘realise the dream’. Baby steps! You grow into parenting.

With young children you’ll have good days and bad days… if you’re having a bad time, at the time, don’t fret. Because a month later, that stage is gone and another one has taken its place.

Government departments might make much of the ‘changing nature’ of family life’, but it actually has really struck me just how timeless and unchanging family life actually is.
Having kids gives you more respect for the older generations.

Having kids can really add depth and dimension to your marriage / love relationship, if you manage it well. The sheer woman-hours required in child rearing are enough to test a saint, and can be a shock to the first-time modern mum. I found I had to be brave, not just in labour, but for the first two years in adjusting to my new lifestyle. Yay for loving husbands! It makes for a wonderful journey together.

Vicki PS says:

10:26pm | 05/01/10

@Ali Mc:  Your first rule is just dandy until the first time your “good GP” and child health nurse aren’t available, and you are at the end of your rope.  You may just find that the only ones left to turn to for advice will tell YOU to go %$#@ yourself.  Funnily enough, people who have successfully reared their own children may actually have A Clue or two—they’ve done it all before, you see.  But it’s all good: those “dotty old aunts” of yours are probably laughing up their sleeves at you as you reinvent the wheel.

Enily says:

09:54am | 06/01/10

I love this post. Especially about the books. Everyday we are packing the books up and it drives us crazy because they never look neat!

What no one told me:

How friggin’ long it takes to get out of the house when you have kids. My tip is to always have a bag packed with essentials so that you can fly out the door quickly. (Great for ushering daddy out with the three-year-old for a trip to Bunnings/park/McDonalds etc. so that I can get some peace to get stuff done.)

How little you will have sex. It is a miracle we conceived my second baby. We have the three-year-old in bed with us a lot because frankly, it’s easier to let her in that get out of bed and put her back.

How parenting can unleash your repressed control freak. My husband is a lot slower (probably takes more care!) at changing nappies and it drives me crazy. I hover and issue instructions to which he replies: “I am not the help. I am their father, you know”. The main source of our arguments is my ovewhelming desire to have him do things my way!

Kate says:

12:44pm | 06/01/10

Sell them on ebay BEFORE they hit 13!!

IMHO says:

03:30pm | 06/01/10

HANG ON, HANG ON!  Too tired to masturbate! When does that EVER happen!! And Rob you need to come clean on the leggo incident! Did you twist your ankle AND grab the tree or were these seperate glorious moments!

Great piece, and comments. 4 inches of bedspace, the whole kids book size thing, the end to private toilet time. All so hilarious and true.

But I wouldn’t give any of my kids back!

Isabel says:

07:04am | 07/01/10

Rob : Some of us have always been playing out in left field. May I have your consent to quote your quoting me as I apply myself to the current work in progress, tentatively titled “The Secret of Life and Other Stuff”? Works already completed can been viewed on http://www.izathome2u.com  Please email your reply as I prefer to have consent to attribute in hard copy.

Ali Mc : You are so right and wrong at the same time. I treasure a letter from my daughter in which she tells me that,  as a child, she deeply resented the fact I was not a “White Wings Mum”, but that as an adult she understands and deeply appreciates my attitude, that I a who I am and her mother into the bargain. I figure she will be an adult for many more years than ever she was a child.

I think you miss my point entirely. My approach allowed my children choice from an early age. “Do I do a poo/wee now or can I hold off for a minute?”  They were given choice, autonomy and appreciation of consequences from an early age - unlike children who piss and shit anywhere (into a disposable nappy) at anytime and who seem to grow up thinking they can do whatever they like in pursuit of their own well-being.
Also, please bear in mind, that the births of my children preceded the introduction of disposable nappies and, as with all other mums of my generation, we had to deal with the disposal of the contents and the cleansing of cloth nappies. The upside of that is that we did not contribute to the tearing down of forests or the use of arable land in order to plant trees to cut down to make nappies - which I might add are left scattered about the countryside as if they are going to disappear like magic!
Of course, I am as jealous as hell. What it must be like to be indulgent as a parent and remain in blissful ignorance of the consequences of pursuing butterflies.