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‘Tis the season of useless bloody gifts

Wil Wallace

by Wil Wallace

27 Dec 05:50am

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Filed under: Christmas, Presents, Weddings

41 comments

Around this time last year my soon-to-be wife and I were finalising the preparations for our wedding. There are many questions that will be endlessly asked of newly-wed (or soon-to-be-wed) couples: How did you meet? How long have you known each other? Do the parents approve? But for me the worst question was “What do you want as a wedding present?” - and for two reasons.

On every shopping list this Christmas

Firstly, my wife and I had managed to inherit or buy most of the crockery, cutlery, cookware and linen that we needed to run our house in the early days of living together and by the time our wedding was drawing close we couldn’t think of anything else that we really needed.

The only suggestion I could make was for a new can-opener (ours had broken a few days after the wedding invites had gone out) and it was quite a challenge to convince people I was being serious.

The second reason is that I am the sort of person who finds asking people for gifts unbearably awkward. The idea of sending out a note to friends and family with a list of items we would like them to buy for us was anathema to me, especially given that the fashion seems to be to ask for fairly expensive items. A wedding registry? I’d much rather chew my legs off, thanks.

The reason I bring this up is because when the first Christmas shopping catalogues came through this year I began to think of what I might have asked for if we had been so bold as to organise a wedding registry.

Leafing through the catalogues, it occurred to me that there was a remarkable amount of crap for sale – even more than in previous years. One catalogue in particular featured a range of almost a dozen small electrical appliances, each with their own specific task. A chocolate fondue machine? Well, I suppose that it’s probably a safer option than a saucepan. A pancake machine? Er, what’s wrong with a frying pan? A Dutch pancake machine? How many times are you really likely to use this thing?

And that’s more or less the point: there are so many gadgets and items for sale that look flashy and seem appealing but that will only be used half a dozen times before being forgotten and then rediscovered when you move house and realise that you have underestimated the number of boxes you will need.

When I was growing up my family had a term for these sorts of things: sponge sharpener. The term comes from an old Wizard of Id cartoon in which a gentleman asks his wife if she has seen his “handy dandy dial-a-matic sponge sharpener” (I can’t remember the punch line), though the sponge sharpener collector in my family was my mother.

There are strong fashion trends in homewares and appliances and it is remarkably easy to get sucked into the fad. How many of the following do you have: an espresso machine, a bread maker, a popcorn machine, a sandwich toaster (and maybe a café style one, too), a tagine, automatic room air fresheners, a deep fryer, a lettuce spinner, cookbooks by a celebrity cook or on an “exotic” region like Italy or Spain, and (my personal favourite) an avocado saver?

With the exception of the espresso machine and possibly the sandwich toaster (if you really like sandwiches) or the cookbooks (if cooking is more of a hobby than a chore for you), there is very little gain to be had by owning these things. As I mentioned before, you can now buy a pancake machine; if you can’t make pancakes using just a frying pan and a stove you should probably go watch TV and let someone else make them instead.

And what’s wrong with pot pourri? Keeping a room or cupboard smelling fresh used to be as simple as pouring a bag of dead plant matter into a bowl, putting it somewhere and enjoying it. Now you can buy air fresheners that have been more engineered than your average car and that run out of spray so quickly that they often become little more than an elaborate cat scaring machine. It shouldn’t take batteries to keep your room fresh.

We are about to enter into one of the busiest shopping seasons of the year and the urge to splurge will be stronger than at any other time. My suggestion is that we resist the siren call of the sponge sharpeners and save our money for things that are really worth it. The worst it could do is annoy Gerry Harvey and, frankly, I’d still count that as a win.

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41 comments

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    • Mahhrat says:

      06:10am | 27/12/11

      Yeah, against you on the sandwich toaster - those things are fantastic, especially when you have kids.

      No such thing exists as a child who doesn’t like at least one variant on the classic “toastie”, they are super easy and while not especially healthy are a better alternative to take away.

      Reply

    • Innocent says:

      05:32pm | 27/12/11

      Sandwich makers yes (the sort that you shove two sandwiches worth in and it produces delicious golden brown cut-into-triangles cheesy delights) absolutely rock when you have kids but sandwich presses and other things that squish your toastie beyond recognition irritate me. Do people actually *like* flat sandwiches?

    • Jade says:

      06:21pm | 27/12/11

      They are also brilliant when you get home after a big night too :D

    • Wil Wallace says:

      06:40pm | 27/12/11

      I’ll admit to having a sandwich toaster, but I do rather enjoy sandwiches. I was lucky enough to get my hands on our old one that does as Innocent says, “produces delicious golden brown cut-into-triangles cheesy delights”, and will never give it up!

    • mick says:

      06:53am | 27/12/11

      Spot on the money. 

      There is a heap of junk out there which many of us buy, use once and then store in cupboards for decades before decluttering and throwing out some 30 years latter.  I have developed a philosophy that if it doesn’t have a good use then don’t buy it.  Having said that the occasional one gets through to the keeper.

      With regard to gifts be happy that people buy you a gift of any sort as this normally means that you are in their thoughts.  The alternative is to ask for a donation to charity and to give you the receipt in place of a gift.  No junk and a good cause!

      Reply

    • ronny jonny says:

      07:00am | 27/12/11

      My children recently recieved a fairy floss machine, used once while the giver was there then sent to the back of the cupboard, never to be seen again. Both my mother and my father are buyers of this sort of junk and seem to think I need it too. Pie machine, bread machine, George Foreman grill, turbo oven, rotissarie, pancake machine, coffee machine, fruit and veggie juicer, fruit and veggie dryer, a myriad of chopping/slicing/dicing machines, etc etc it drives me nuts. Two good knives, one frying pan, some pots and a bowl are all any kitchen needs.

      Reply

    • acotrel says:

      07:09am | 27/12/11

      Why don’t you ask them for pack of a thousand condoms, just to express your concern for the future of the human race ?

      Reply

    • handjive says:

      07:40am | 28/12/11

      If you had the courage of your convictions you would finalise your will, sell all evidence of your consumerism, and lead the way in depopulation for the future of the human race.
      But, day after day, you turn up here, consuming electricity, burning fossil fuels, telling other people to do what you dare not.
      A fine example of what you ‘believe’ in. Spare us.

    • nihonin says:

      08:11am | 27/12/11

      Will, great article.  Now I know there is an avocado saver, I’m getting one.  But seriously, gift buying is always hard, you’re never going to give the recipient what they actually want.  Easiest way I’ve found is give them money, seems to work in Mediterranean countries, I give my kids cash for Christmas and their birthdays.  nasty I know, but they then get what they really want, not what they think, I want to buy them.  Works for others situations as well.

      Reply

    • Wil Wallace says:

      06:42pm | 27/12/11

      You can also get a tomato saver!

    • Sandle says:

      09:11am | 28/12/11

      And an onion saver….

    • Radha says:

      11:06am | 29/12/11

      And a banana saver…

    • Classic says:

      11:23am | 04/01/12

      We bought an avocado saver. Best thing since sliced bread.

    • Classic says:

      11:23am | 04/01/12

      We bought an avocado saver. Best thing since sliced bread.

    • C1 says:

      09:05am | 27/12/11

      We have an avocado saver and is used all the time- I would encourage all Punch readers to get one.

      Useless gift for me this year is the spray on tattoo machine!!!!! I think it came from either Grandma or Aunty. Both my daughters received the same gift. Principle is easy- a range of coloured pens that are inserted in tattoo gun and then sprayed on to a cut out template. Slight delay as Dad did not have specific batteries ( obtained on next round of dog walking).
      To say it was useless was an understatement. The spray was a fine mist that went everywhere except where you wanted it. Half of my hand is still blue. The template will not work on bumpy surfaces ( eg the human body) and it left a blue bob on my 7 year old daughters lower leg (thankfully washed off).
      Both will be quietly retired in coming days.
      I think I will leave tattooing to the experts or those in prison.

      Reply

    • Fred says:

      09:28am | 27/12/11

      Like crunchy rice? Get a rice cooker. I still boil it so it’s nice and fluffy.

      However I do want something to make carrot sticks because it’s a pain cutting a carrot into little sticks and I’m not going to spend a year getting chef level knife skills.

      Reply

    • Jo says:

      09:59am | 27/12/11

      I agree on the carrot sticks! Funny, the best thing I’ve bought this year is a Tupperware slicer thingy. I agreed to attend a Tupperware party mostly because I had some containers with broken lids and I know they replace them (thankyou lifetime warranty). But this small container chopper that has a pull thing like a lawnmower is great! I’ve used it to dice onions without tears and cut fingers and it does the same with tomato.
      I won’t tell hubby how much it cost, but even he is impressed! He’s also impressed that I got brand new tupperware for nothing!

    • Alicia says:

      10:20am | 27/12/11

      The vegie slicer machines are actually pretty good. I was trying to slice some veggies with just a knife and it was a pain in the butt. My aunt pulled out her slicer thing and I was done in minutes! I’m thinking of getting one for myself actually.

    • ken says:

      10:23am | 27/12/11

      The reason you get crunchy rice from a rice cooker is because you are not using it correctly. If used correctly, it will give you fluffy rice every time!
      The rice cooker is one of the best inventions as it saves time and effort when cooking rice - that is why nearly every household in SE Asia own a rice cooker.

    • ronny jonny says:

      10:42am | 27/12/11

      One thing with a special purpose that I do like is the plastic bowl/pot with lid that goes in the microwave for cooking rice, excellent rice in 10mins, no fuss, nice and fluffy. I had dismissed this piece of equipment as another useless plastic bowl but it has proven to be one of the best things ever. Good one wifey!

    • marley says:

      10:49am | 27/12/11

      @Fred - get a mandoline.  They’re cheap and useful.  And they don’t take up much space.

    • Paul Murray says:

      01:37pm | 27/12/11

      a) use enough water
      b) after the “cook” light goes out, let the rice sit for 5 minutes like it says to do in the instructions.

      It’s probably step b that’s your problem. Don’t complain that your rice cooker isn’t working unless you have actually read and followed the instructions that come with it.

    • bec says:

      02:27pm | 27/12/11

      Rice cookers are the goods. You can use them to steam veges really quickly too if you get the little plastic strainer tray.

    • George says:

      03:05pm | 27/12/11

      C1. See that’s a gateway thing. Your kids will get real tattoos later on. Can’t fathom why adults think those kind of ‘toys’ are harmless fun.

    • Sarah says:

      07:47am | 28/12/11

      OOh that Tupperware appliance is called a happy chopper smile

    • Angry Fat Bitch says:

      06:58pm | 28/12/11

      @George - you’re probably right. My parents were only too happy to let me pay for temporary tattoos growing up. In the full knowledge that I intended to get a real one as soon as I turned 18.

      To be fair though, they both already had tattoos, and when I did turn 18 they bought me my first one as a christmas present.

      Now there’s a present you won’t see on eBay later on!

    • marley says:

      10:53am | 27/12/11

      Well, I consider an espresso machine a kitchen essential.  Ours is in use every day (can’t get going without a good cup of cappuccino).  I’m proud to say, though, that I didn’t buy ours from Gerry Harvey or any of the chains.  Oh, and the relatives all know that if they’re stuck for a gift, good quality coffee beans will always be welcome.

      Other than that, the kitchen “gadgets” that get used a lot are the slow-cooker and the blender.  The rest of the stuff mostly hides in the pantry for use once or twice a year.

      Reply

    • Frankie H says:

      03:00pm | 27/12/11

      I can cook anything with a pot and a pan. Rice Cooker? Hot dog machine, waffle maker, pffffft. You can’t even boil eggs anymore without a special gadget sheesh. You don’t need 100 different appliances to cook 100 different things.

      Reply

    • At Work says:

      07:34pm | 27/12/11

      You know, so can my Mum.

      But, she’s tried my rice cooker, and now borrows it once a week- it’s just quicker and easier (cleaning is a breeze!). And, I get half the fried rice she makes with it… best trade off ever!

    • James O says:

      05:57pm | 27/12/11

      Basic rules are that you get what you pay for. Budgets for token gifts can be variable but in general if they end up in the bin or more probably eBay the family political crisis will depend on the it’s emotional rather than the gifts material value. Lets face it, cheap plastic gifts may last only minutes before self destructing, basic kids gifts get abandoned after one hour if you’re lucky. The more expensive gifts are purchased because adults like to use them too, kids get to use them as a bribe to go to bed or during working hours on week days.Gift vouchers are not as good as cash as the recipient has to go to selected stores to spend it,it could end up in a drawer forgotten untill it almost expires. Of course cash,though desirable, could blow the budget if the total spend for the gifts is $50. Cheap plastic gifts are going to be around for a while.

      Reply

    • Jade says:

      06:31pm | 27/12/11

      The gadgets I use the most are the wok (great for spag bol), sometimes the george forman grill although its a pain in the ass to clean and recently a dutch pancake maker, I’ve used it twice so far and think its great!

      I prefer either money or vouchers for pressies!

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      09:03pm | 27/12/11

      Sunbeam sandwich maker’s a beauty.
      I got one for Chrissy when I was living in The Cross - and everyone in the Cross thought it was a swing-top barbeque ... and here’s a recipe :

      a big piece of turkish bread buttered, then you put on cooked chicken pieces,4 slices of hot salami, then add fresh spinach leaves, 2 sundried tomatoes, 2 sliced artichokes, (relax, I eat a lot) some sliced kalamata olives, then add 4 slices of jarlsberg cheese, (don’t skimp here), s&p to taste, drizzle over some Aussie olive oil, put on the t/bread cover, then toast it in the sandwich-maker till the cover is golden brown ... and eat it watching Summer on Ten at Six.
      Scrumptious, I say .... and the sanga ain’t bad either.

      Reply

    • Stinger says:

      01:01am | 28/12/11

      Say NO to Turkish Bread!  Bring back something SQUARE!

    • den says:

      11:49am | 28/12/11

      my grandparents and parents survived without all this gadgetry and from my memory TASTED A LOT BETTER or at least as good.

      Reply

    • iansand says:

      04:59pm | 28/12/11

      A gadget for cooking relatives does seem a little specialised, but if they tasted good it was probably worthwhile.

    • Catherine says:

      01:58pm | 28/12/11

      http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/

      The poster of this comment accepts no responsibility for monies spent by readers on this website…or foo foo valves that a burst from laughter. For those who are unfamiliar with the above website, it goes a little further than small kitchen appliances but is still along the lines of gifts to waste money on (although there are a few good ideas…IMHO).

      Reply

    • Nixanon says:

      07:05am | 01/01/12

      You have doomed me smile  Another site that I spend hours looking through and compiling lists of everything I want.  If I ever win lotto I’ll need a warehouse just to store all these things. 

      I’m such a shiney lover :D

    • Seline says:

      03:34pm | 28/12/11

      My mum is the buyer in your article.  she has to make sure everyone gets something.  I’m personally against consumerism from the point of view that its destroying out planet so I only buy things I NEED.  My mum buys things because they are CHEAP.  not because she needs them.  which often leads to arguments at Christmas and birthdays because I don’t want gifts but I usually get a box of crap anyways.  And consider she lives in NZ and it would cost close to $100 just to send the box of $2 shop and cheap and chips rejects to me in Australia.  She also fails to realize that my income is sufficient that if I really need it I will buy it so there isn’t a lot I need.  And asking that a donation to a charity like the RSPCA instead of gifts is like starting world war three in my family.  Mum has to give us stuff even though I tell her she is wasting her money ... like this years offerings of a calendar (there was a 2012 calendar on my wall when she was here a month ago), a bathmat (our bathroom is all tiled up so it is our shower and therefore bathmats and unnecessary) knitting patterns (I crochet not knit) and scales for the kitchen (um I had no idea I needed those but they will be filed away in a cupboard to collect dust). 

      gift buying shouldn’t be for the sake of giving.  It should be to make the recipient happy not yourself.

      Reply

    • Breeanna says:

      06:21pm | 28/12/11

      I’m a bit of an electronic gadget fan, I have a popcorn machine, sandwich toaster, pie maker, egg machine, rice cooker & deep fryer - all of which see regular use.  Of course most things cooked in these devices could be cooked using another method, but it’s not as convenient.
      I particuarly love the egg machine - I like eggs on toast for breakfast, and the machine makes it very simple to get perfectly cooked eggs that I don’t have to monitor.  Early in the morning, i’m not too good at monitoring things.

      A lot depends on what kind of size kitchen you have, as to whether these gadgets are useful or not.  My rice cooker and sandwich press are permanently sitting on my kitchen bench, because they are used several times a week.  If I had to get them out of a cupboard each use, it would be much less convenient. 
      The rest of the gadgets are in a large cabinet and easily accessible. If I had to continually shift things around to get to them, it would be a bit frustrating.

      Reply

    • Angry Fat Bitch says:

      06:24pm | 28/12/11

      I actually really love my Pie Magic. Seriously, I use it once a week. I’ve found pies are my kitchen kryptonite, I have tried and tried but they always come out mush. But my pie magic pies are really good.

      My vegetable steamer is a waste of space though. It’s tricky to use, and fiddly to clean, it just makes more sense to use the steamer basket in a saucepan.

      Some might think me nuts, but I really really want a waffle iron. Because you can do pancakes on the stove, but not waffles. And I really like waffles. But to my surprise I can’t find one anywhere in the after-xmas sales.

      Reply

    • Lawrence says:

      04:27pm | 31/12/11

      You say “Catalogue” but I say “Catalog”. We’re all good. It’s all English, right?

      Reply
 
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