The first rule of calling a black arsehole a black arsehole is that only another black arsehole can call a black arsehole a black arsehole.
The second rule of calling a black arsehole a black arsehole is that if a white arsehole calls a black arsehole a black arsehole, that white arsehole should be kicked very hard in exactly that location.
In short, Steve Williams, the glorified bouncer who carries other people’s sporting equipment for a living, should be bounced from the golf course for good for his comments about his former boss Tiger Woods in Shanghai last week.
Ah, but actually doing about that would require action, wouldn’t it. And the sport of golf is particularly adept at doing absolutely nothing in the face of controversy or crisis.
Remember the delightfully-named Martha Burk? She’s the rad fem who in 2002 took on Augusta National Golf Club, home of America’s prestigious Masters tournament, for its failure to admit female members.
Club chairman Hootie Johnson pretty much fended off Burk by doing nothing. He even compared his club to such single-sex organisations as the girl scouts, in order to protect his indefensibly sexist club policy. He probably even sold the journalists who bought that line some cookies.
The thing is, Johnson’s head in the pristine white bunker sand trick worked perfectly. Eventually, the issue just kind of fizzled out. Augusta National still admits only males. Seems those ostriches out Africa way aren’t as dumb as they seem.
So here we have the Australian Open about to start in Sydney this week – in a dazzling location beside the airport freeway which is sure to showcase the Harbour City’s wonders to the world.
And guess who’s in town? Steve Williams, of course, caddying for his new boss Adam Scott, the World Number 8 who won this tournament two years ago. Greg Norman is also around, no doubt primed to tell us what’s so right about his 11th wife and why she’s better than the other 10. Or are we up to 12 now?
And then there’s some dude called Tiger who also doesn’t mind the birdies, even if they hit him more often than he scores them nowadays.
No matter what happens out there at The Lakes Golf Club, course, all the talk will be on Tiger Woods and Steve Williams, who famously parted ways earlier this year after a decade and 13 Major wins together.
Williams had two little snipes at Woods after leaving. The first came when he won a tournament with Adam Scott (yes, Williams really does think “he” won it), and he said it was his best win ever. Oof! Take that, Tiger!
The other one came at a caddies’ do last week in China, where he called Tiger Woods a black arsehole. Williams said he thought the comments would go no further than the room, which really does underline how spectacularly well suited he is to an intellectually undemanding career in, say, nightclub bouncing.
Indeed, if you ever follow Williams around a golf course, you’ll see that crowd control is quite his thing. Look, he probably plucks a mean eight iron from the bag and polishes a sandy wedge or a grassy wood with impeccable attention to detail, but the fact is, Woods never employed him for any of that.
Williams is a big imposing Kiwi with long tanned legs and a mean grimace, which he uses as a weapon to ward off those who would wander too close. Sometimes he uses words too. He is, in effect, a human haka. Hi, I’m Steve. Come any closer and I’ll clock you.
How ironic that a bloke who has forged a career of preventing golfing patrons overstep boundaries should cross an unacceptable boundary himself. You don’t call someone a black arsehole unless it’s a racist slur. Just ask Nicky Winmar.
What to do, then, with Williams? Sack him of course. Problem is, Adam Scott is not the kind of guy to do anything bolder than lend his name to a new salmon pink argyle sweater.
Everything is so very, very Burberry in Scott’s world (or whatever his sponsor is now that the chavs have totally hijacked the Burberry brand and turned it into Brit-Bogan wear).
Scott is likeable. He once saved his Dad from drowning in the surf by running miles for help on a remote beach. True story. But Scott is also drab. Indeed, the whole sport of golf is drab to all but its most diehard followers.
Let’s face it. There’s only one reason golf has been in the headlines in the last year or so, and that’s sex and racism.
Aha, but now Adam Scott has the chance to be a hero. He can put golf in the headlines for a most excellent reason indeed. He can sack the schmuck who has long been rumoured to be New Zealand’s richest sportsman, even though he doesn’t actually play a sport himself.
Instead of being the raffish dude famous for hot tennis girlfriends and burning the pages of magazines with his smoulder, Adam Scott could be the man who slashes and burns Steve Williams.
Gee, but there’s just so much sand out there at The Lakes this week. All those bunkers, so much room to bury your head.
Twitter: @antsharwood
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