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This is one of the hardest columns I’ve ever written

Lainie Anderson

by Lainie Anderson

04 Sep 05:55am

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Filed under: Books, Justice, Malcolm Fox, Mem Fox

30 comments

“Good grief!” said the goose.
“Well, well!” said the pig.

“Who cares?” said the sheep.
“So what?” said the horse.
“What next?” said the cow.

This is the hardest column I’ve tackled in a long time. For days, I’ve taken different angles.

I started with the court case. Then I tried an open letter. Then I began with a few lines of a children’s book, dog-eared from the days when the kids were little and wanted just one more story before going to sleep.

But I think the best thing to do will be to say upfront why I’m writing it at all.

It’s because for months I’ve felt for children’s author Mem Fox.

Tricky one, I know.

Many will say I should be empathising with the victims of sexual abuse.

Victims such as Craig who, in the 1980s, was a 17-year-old student of Malcolm Arthur Fox when the pair had unlawful sexual intercourse.

Many will say I should be crying foul for the lack of justice meted out when people such as Malcolm Fox are found guilty of sex abuse, but spared jail. I understand and accept those views.

But this column is not about Malcolm Fox, or his former drama student, or the court case that has made headlines across Australia.

It’s about a woman who has been prepared to give up everything - including her reputation, but most importantly, her pride - for family.

The question I keep asking myself is this: Could I do it?

Could you? Could you jeopardise a well-earned international reputation as a children’s writer to stand by your husband if he was charged with sexual offences?

Could you cop the scorn, perceived or real, of people you’ve never met?

Could you repeatedly front the cameras, knowing they were focused more on you than the accused?

I’m not sure I could.

I’ve only met Mem Fox once - at a writers’ festival in Perth in early 2005. I was also briefly in a book club with her daughter Chloe, before she was a politician, but haven’t spoken to her in years. I don’t know anything about this family dynamic, but I know that everyone has a view on it and that the rumours circulating are about as contradictory as you can get.

In recent weeks it’s been suggested to me that Mem Fox’s appearance at court may have been a deliberate ploy to create the media circus that ultimately played a part in sentencing. Of course, others say that a more likely explanation is that she just believes he’s innocent.

I’ve been told that Mem and her husband are not particularly close. I’ve also been told that the two are utterly devoted.

What’s certain, to me at least, is that the woman was willing to put herself in the dock in the court of public opinion for this man.  It was an act of selfless devotion if I’ve ever seen one, not just for Malcolm Fox but for their daughter, also in the public eye, who adopted a low profile throughout the trial. Interestingly, when I spoke to one bookshop owner, she said Mem Fox’s reputation had been undeniably damaged by the headlines surrounding the case.

But she also believed the public would rally around her by continuing to buy her books “and Mem deserves that”.

For decades, Mem Fox has used words for the greatest of ends - to foster a love of reading in bug-eyed kids, even those infants who are only old to absorb her sublime sounds and rhythms.

She’s written silly books about farmyard animals. And she’s written serious books about tolerance, drawing on her own experiences as the only white girl in a Zimbabwean school.

Now she finds herself assaulted by words that are not of her own making.

“Husband of children’s author guilty of sex with pupil”; “Husband’s guilt weighs heavily on Mem Fox”, “Husband of children’s author Mem Fox had sex with student”. This is, of course, the media dutifully
serving our vicarious interest in all things famous.

But you’d think she was the one on trial.

That’s why I’ve felt for her all these months. That’s why I felt the need to write this column.

She’s not on trial. Whatever you think about the court case and its outcome, Mem Fox is guilty only of being a wife, mother and devoted friend.

And they were all so surprised that no one said anything for a very long time. (From Mem Fox’s book, Hattie and the Fox).

NB: This column is about Mem Fox. Please feel free to discuss Mem’s role and work and support of her husband but in the spirit of the column we won’t publish comments about Malcolm Fox’s sentencing.

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30 comments

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    • jmk says:

      06:38am | 04/09/11

      beautifully written

      Reply

    • Super D says:

      08:26am | 04/09/11

      So we’re to admire Mem Fox for standing by her man even though her man is clearly a deeply flawed individual?  Perhaps he has cast the same spell over Mem that he did over that young lad so many years before.  I’m not sure exactly what you are supposed to admire about a woman who stands by her man in spite of him breaching his marriage oaths.

      Reply

    • dw says:

      11:43am | 04/09/11

      i think the concept is unconditional love…

    • Condor says:

      01:05pm | 04/09/11

      It’s called “love, honour and obey ‘til death do us part”

      Unfortunately, for most people these days it’s “I’ll hang around for as long as it suits me or until I find something that might be better”

    • Richard says:

      08:46am | 04/09/11

      I don’t think we should presume to know what is going on in Mem Fox’s head.  On the face of it, yes someone who has devoted so much of their time to children must be pretty upset.

      As a more general principle I don’t find it particularly commendable or otherwise when women stand behind badly behaved men - it suppose it can arise because they feel other aspects of the man offset the bad behaviour, because they are in denial, because they have personal beliefs about marriage, because they simply don’t believe the behaviour has occurred or was particularly bad in the first place, because they had an implicit or explicit understanding that the relationship was open etc etc.  Sometimes the fall out in the relationship comes months or years later, sometimes it would appear not at all to the eyes of an outsider.  Who knows, or cares really, what will happen here.

      What I don’t understand is people who say they will never buy or read one of Mem Fox’s books again - firstly it wasn’t her who was in court, regardless, the language of the book is what counts and not the life of the author themselves.  In fact many of my favourite authors are people whom I have absolutely no desire to have met - I extract the story that is relevant to me and my life.  In the case of Mem Fox it is the influence of the books on my children’s love of language that I think is so special.

      Reply

    • Joan says:

      10:40am | 04/09/11

      For me Mem Fox books are all about the illustrations. The illustrator gives real character and visual life to Mem Fox simple words- the story words boring without the illustration. - I usually expand, the reading experience when I read out loud. However Mem Fox takes the credit for the package and I am one of those that won’t be buying more or reading out loud to toddler- her books. Why? The dark cloud of a dirty old man would hang over as I read. We warn children of Stranger danger - the stranger is someones husband, father, son, - I don’t need to make him a part of what should be pleasurable experience.  There are millions of beautiful books to chose from- - rightly or wrongly Mem Fox is off my list of toddler reads. As for standing by her man - I guess that is the good old fashion `for better or worse` marriage vows- some people still take them seriously,. nothing wrong with that.

    • Erick says:

      01:17pm | 04/09/11

      @Joan - “We warn children of Stranger danger - the stranger is someones husband, father, son, -”

      And there you reveal your sexism. The “stranger” is also often a woman - but you only mention men as possible predators.

      This is one of the reasons why men are withdrawing from society.

    • gra gra says:

      03:39pm | 04/09/11

      @erick. Even a self-opionated bigot like you, with your broad statements that tend to indicate that you are somehow qualified to speak on my behalf, knows without a shadow of a doubt that one, the vast majority of child molesters are male, and two, that most offenders are not, (!), strangers.
      I am a man, and I have no intention, or desire to withdraw from the society of others, of either sex. Interestingly it appears that society does not want me to leave. And therein lies the difference between thee and me. You are the sexist you accuse Joan of being, and of course as with your other glaring failures you choose to excuse youself by demonising women. I love women, I think they make far more intelligent company than men. You’ve obviously been discarded at some time, and like your idol JWH, you can’t believe that it could happen.
      Accept. Move on. But first look inside yourself for a while and you’ll soon become a forgiver. Then you can apply that learned trait to others.
      Lainie, I also write books for children of all ages and realise the enormous importance of being very careful of what I write. I would not care to think what I would do if a close, loved member of my family was found to have committed a heinous crime. I couldn’t turn my back, I don’t think. That’s because I am not perfect by a longshot. Some of the people on here apparently are, but that only makes me want to settle for a few imperfections.
      Lovvely piece of writing, Lainie. Thank you.

    • Erick says:

      04:55pm | 04/09/11

      @gra gra - “I love women, I think they make far more intelligent company than men.”

      There is your bigotry writ large. How does this sound: “I love whites, I think they make far more intelligent company than blacks.”

      It’s exactly the same statement - but it throws your prejudice into relief.

      You are in no position to offer moral advice to anyone.

    • Robert Smissen of country SA says:

      05:57pm | 04/09/11

      I know Eric The Bold is a bit of an excrement agitator, but gra gra your dismissal of Eric’s post is WRONG, having been heavily involved in the protection of children, the reality of female abuse is far higher than the public realize. Even when the woman is not the abuser, they often are the facilitator & also even when they are aware of the abuse by the “uncle” or the “boyfriend” will turn a blind eye to the abuse. Remember that often the abuse isn’t just sexual.

    • marley says:

      07:24pm | 04/09/11

      @RobertSmisson - are you seriously trying to argue that, even if the abuser is a male, be he “uncle” or “boyfriend,” it’s still the woman’s fault?

    • David says:

      09:27am | 04/09/11

      I have always been a big fan of Mem’s books and what she has contributed. It is sad for all concerned but Mem is standing by someone who went so far as to admit that this ‘troubled teen’ had tried to have sex with him years ago in their home, twice, but never even told his wife?

      She’s only trying to protect the reputation of her family and I don’t blame her for that but it must take a hell of a lot of effort to sustain that level of denial and disbelief. Poor woman - you wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy.

      Reply

    • Zaf says:

      10:14am | 04/09/11

      Sounds a bit (co?)dependent, actually.

      Reply

    • Govt@FauxCitizen says:

      10:16am | 04/09/11

      To put it bluntly Laine you are right about Mem putting herself under public scrutiny and standing by her MAN forsaking her pride and public standing in the community in the name of loyalty and devotion.  BUT, have a look at your colleagues and profession.
      The media reporting tactics are the question, sensationalise at the expense of the story, IE: Ita Buttroses’ nephew, Kevin Rudds’ nephew,  “Norwegian Gunman” (forgetting bomber or lunatic murderer). Anders who?
      Todays society has become conditioned to the famous or infamous headline.
      Journalists, Editors and Publishers use it well and will stoop to the darkest and dirtyest depths to get that headline,,News of The World ring a bell????

      Unfortunately there is a real story here of criminal and victim,  elements of the media are clearly not focused on that ...

      Reply

    • wearestardust says:

      10:38am | 04/09/11

      Thoughtful column thankfully not giving in to the current trend of organising the world into false dichotomies.

      Reply

    • Kate says:

      12:25pm | 04/09/11

      Sadly, the court case has made me feel differently about Mem Fox, whose books I loved as a child. I don’t respect people (women or men) who stay with a partner who has not only been unfaithful, but also committed a crime in doing so. I didn’t admire Hillary Clinton back when the Monica Lewinsky scandal occurred and I don’t admire Mem Fox now.

      Reply

    • Brian says:

      02:57pm | 04/09/11

      So what you’re saying is ‘I don’t respect people who are able to find a way to support someone, at least in public, with whom they have spent several decades when that person has behaved poorly.’ I don’t doubt that she is furious, but she has done the correct and appropriate thing and kept it where it belongs - between a husband and wife.

      The crime is between the state, Malcolm Fox and the victim. The unfaithfulness is between Mem and Malcolm Fox - it’s entirely reasonable for her to be able to forgive the offense against her and support the man who has supported (and been supported by) her for decades as he deals with the consequences of his actions.

    • Austin 3:16 says:

      12:57pm | 04/09/11

      There’s a difference between justice and retribution.

      Reply

    • St. Michael says:

      01:43pm | 04/09/11

      Pity most people on this site don’t know the difference.

    • marley says:

      02:26pm | 04/09/11

      I don’t think this article has to do with either of them.  It’s about loyalty, guilt, perhaps love, possibly dependence - but not about justice or retribution.

    • baal says:

      05:01pm | 04/09/11

      Retribution is a part of the overall concept of justice in many traditions including our own.

    • Austin 3:16 says:

      05:13pm | 04/09/11

      @marley,

      The issue ins’t the main thrust of the article, but it is mentioned in passing.

    • dancan says:

      12:57pm | 04/09/11

      “an act of selfless devotion” or just “blind devoation”

      Reply

    • Steve says:

      03:26pm | 04/09/11

      The more interesting question is why so many women continue to stay in relationships with closeted gay men.  I don’t get that at all.

      Reply

    • Cassandra says:

      04:28pm | 04/09/11

      Steve, the key word there is “closeted”.
      As the old saying goes, the wife is usually the last to know, has often been too naive to see it, and will have trouble believing it.
      Depends how badly her self esteem is damaged from being with someone who makes her continually feel she doesn’t measure up to his (usually hypocritical) standards.

    • Cassandra says:

      03:33pm | 04/09/11

      Another case of “man is a bad lot so let’s throw mud at his wife/girlfriend/ex.

      Sounds a lot like this week’s hysteria against one J. Gillard.

      A man’s actions are his alone.  The same people who are criticizing Mem Fox for staying would have thrown mud at her if she’d left.

      Reply

    • Marilyn Shepherd says:

      03:55pm | 04/09/11

      I don’t know, I always find it rather pathetic that some women stand by convicted losers when the crime is against children in particular.

      I prefer the rather robust ‘piss off” by Maria Shriver when she found out Arnie couldn’t keep it in his pants.

      I don’t know if Malcolm Fox is guilty or if he will be cleared on appeal or what but my sense as an abused child always errs on the side of the child.

      Reply

    • Robert Smissen of country SA says:

      05:50pm | 04/09/11

      Hell just froze over! ! ! I can’t believe that I agree with Marilyn Shepherd! ! Now that the court case is over, let’s see how long it lasts

    • Cynicised says:

      04:34pm | 04/09/11

      Call me an A grade cynic, but this is all free publicity for Mem Fox. Just look at the lovely cover of Possum Magic in the article..and i’l say it again, the author’s name is Mem Fox. Gawd, if I were her publisher I’d be skipping with glee. O obviously I think more people will be prompted to seek out her work right now than those who will be prompted to cross her books off their children/grandchildrens’ reading list…and that bothers the hell out of me.*siiigh*

      I’m personally ambivalent towards anyone who stands by someone convicted of a shameful crime. I know damn well that I wouldn’t be doing so, I would feel so horribly betrayed and ashamed if he were my husband. Like it or not, her public appearances are going to be interpreted as tacit approval of his actions,or if not that far, a reluctance to condemn his behavior. Only minor degrees of support separate the two. Forgiveness is divine,but what about empathy for the victim?
      I really dislike too that I’ve had my initial thought re future book sales.  It’s this naty old commercially cynical world we live in. No publicity is bad publicity. Ewww, I feel dirty now.

      Reply

    • Badboy says:

      06:24pm | 04/09/11

      Why sympathetic stories about this family? The husband was charged with a serious crime. Why do we need feel anything but disgust?

      Reply
 
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