These movie producers are getting a bit too Footloose
Dear big Hollywood cigar-smoking guys: If you make a cake and everyone likes it, you can make it again. Nobody minds if you use exactly the same ingredients, the same oven, and the same hilarious apron with ‘Kiss The Cook’ printed on it. You could even say that it’s a cake ‘remake’.
Now, this is the important part, so I want you to put down your cigar and read this very carefully:
MOVIES ARE NOT CAKE.
They’re not. I can’t stress that enough. There’s not even any flour in movies, unless you count Scarface. That was a big pile of flour on Tony Montana’s desk, right?
But I digress. I heard a rumour that you’ve remade Footloose and you’re about to remake Dirty Dancing. I even got wind of some scuttlebutt that you’re fiddling around with Bladerunner. That’s like rebuilding the Taj Mahal right next door to the original or, for the lowbrow amongst you, like making a second Britney Spears or Miley Cyrus. There’s just no fathomable reason for it.
These movies represent our childhood, and we prefer our childhood to be left where it is. You can’t drag our childhood kicking and screaming into the present – the red corduroy overalls won’t fit. Can you recreate the smell of afternoon rain on a hot road in Summertime? No. Can you recreate the desperate air of disappointment when you realise there are no Fruit Rollups left in the packet? No. Can you watch cartoons and music videos on Saturday morning in your underwear? Probably. Okay, that last one’s a bad example.
Can you remake the films that we grew up with and not ruin them? No more than you can put Baby in a corner.
Don’t try to tell us that you’re ‘re-fashioning the classics for a new generation’ either. We’re only three or four technological advances away from being able to download any movie we like directly into our eyeballs, so if the kids want to watch Footloose, I’m pretty sure they’ll be able to access the Kevin Bacon version quite easily. I think we’re down to about two and a half degrees of separation there anyway, so there’s no need to start the tally again from scratch.
We understand that you have to make money and haven’t had an original idea since the 90s. We do. We know that you’ve milked almost all the sequels and prequels possible, and that coming up with subtitles better than ‘Two’, ‘Again’, ‘Revisited’ or ‘Electric Boogaloo’ is a creative struggle. We know you’re running out of comic-book superheroes to pillage. We get it. But despite their proven success and popularity, Ren McCormack and Johnny Castle can’t dance any more. They’re tired.
We accept that a little innovation is a little too much to ask when it comes to Hollywood blockbusters, especially when sometimes, innovation results in things like Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo and Big Momma’s House.
Of course, innovation clearly has a pretty short shelf life, as evinced by such celluloid juggernauts as Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo and Big Momma’s House 2. But you can’t honestly expect us to believe that there are no new ideas out there, or at least none you can afford to pay for. If the makers of PajamaJeans can produce something innovative and low-cost, then surely you can.
Mind you, I suppose if one argues that the ‘Pajama’ part is like Alien and the ‘Jeans’ part is like Predator, then perhaps it’s true – there’s nothing new. We’ve not only told every story, we’re now getting the old stories to fight each other, mano e mano, or, more accurately, alieno e alieno.
Okay, so if you must scrape all the icing sugar out of our nostalgic cinematic Wizz Fizz, then at least add something new. We need more changes than just a hairstyle, a new wardrobe, an updated car and an iPad instead of a Rubik’s Cube. If you need ideas, I’d be happy to come up with some for just what, two or three million dollars. I’ll jot a few down to get you started, because it’s the very least I can do. Actually, the very least I could do would be to just remake old movies, so it’s the second least I could do:
Feng Shui Dirty Dancing: In which a young girl secretly learns from an older, more experienced man how to arrange furniture for the most effective energy flow, and discovers that nobody puts a table in the corner. They fall in love.
TweetLoose: In which a teenager named @RenMcCormack moves to a town where the local minister has banned Tweeting. His girlfriend wears a t-shirt emblazoned with the slogan ‘Microblog Your Ass Off!’ at the town meeting. They fall in love.
The Boat People Breakfast Club: A rag-tag bunch of illegal immigrants spend a day in mandatory detention and learn to get along. One gets a makeover, and two fall in love.
Even Weirder Science: Two lovable nerds claim that the world is getting warmer, and try to create the perfect woman to fight it! She has big boobs though, because come on, they’re nerds.
Only Sixteen Candles Left: In a futuristic world drained of all non-renewable sources of energy, candles are a rare commodity that people will fight to the death for. Also, a teenage girl’s family forgets her birthday. She falls in love.
i.T: An alien based on an original concept by Steven Spielberg and Steve Jobs strikes up a friendship with a young boy and tries to phone home. Unfortunately the reception is terrible, so he has to buy a new phone every six months or so.
So I Married A Prime Minister: An enchanting but entirely fictional tale of a hairdresser who marries the parliamentarian of his dreams. His hairdresser friends, Sebastian and Rory, also marry each other. Nothing bad happens.
Less Than Zero Point Four: A bleak tale and horribly graphic film in which Robert Downey Junior can’t stop comparing the Australian Dollar to the US Dollar.
Back To Back To The Future: A teenager goes backwards and forwards in time, only to find that his ancestors and his future offspring all spend all their time watching Back To The Future movies.
Arts Funding Flashdance: A young dancer, unable to make a living as a ballerina, moonlights as a welder to make ends meet. She also works at McDonald’s, and for a short time as a stripper.
Police Academy Eight Hundred and Sixty Four, The Antipodes: Underbelly Razor.
Interview With A Twilight Lost Boys Blade: Vampires. That’s it. Just vampires. They have to be hot and sulky, but otherwise nobody can tell the difference. Go for it.
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