There’s no way Barry can lose this election. Or is there?
Tomorrow Barry O’Farrell assumes the mantle of the Premier of NSW. That’s not a prediction from a well-informed insider, by the way. It’s a stone-cold fact, hewn from the knowledge that there hasn’t been a conclusion this foregone since Ricky Martin turned out to be a bit light in the loafers.
Which leads us to the question - what could Fatty possibly do to balls up this one horse race? With one day left on the campaign trail shot clock, what catastrophic cock-ups could the man cook up to fall short of the biggest sure thing since hipster douchebags queuing up for Apple products? You know it, I know it, and you can be sure as shit old Barry knows it.
So with that, Barry, we dare ya. We double dare you to take The Punch Policy Pepsi Challenge, and pepper a few of these zingers into the ears of your electorates. We honestly doubt it’ll make one iota of difference…
1. “Dear citizens, I’ve just converted to Scientology. We’re turning St Mary’s Cathedral into a celebrity centre. Entry on gold bullion donation only. ALL HAIL CTHULU.”
2. “My cabinet and I have decided to secede from the Commonwealth. We’ll need everybody’s help to push NSW 12 nautical miles out to sea and into international waters.”
3. “Hey kids, who wants to see my FOURTH NIPPLE?”
4. “Tomorrow I introduce legislation to change the state of NSW to Barrytown, and as is my divine right, I will mate with all suitable females of breeding age to help populate our newly-formed Baztopia”.
5. “Look, I’ve held my tongue for long enough and I just need to get this off my chest. Vegemite is for spastics.”
6. “Yes I am aware about the traffic congestion in Sydney and believe me, the O’Farrell government will be fully committed to SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU’RE NOT REAL GET OUT OF MY HEAD PARSLEY PARSLEY doing the right thing by the good people of this state.”
7. “OK Computer is over-rated. There, I said it.”
8. “I’ll be outsourcing a lot of public service jobs. For example, we’ll be setting up call centres in India to clear the backlog of elective surgery in NSW hospitals. Say, what do you guys know about Skype operations?”
9. “Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path. Because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and adonis DNA. I’m on a drug, and it’s called Barry O’Farrell.”
10. “Gee that Ben Elton show was good. Mark my words – that’s coming back”.
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