Sarah Palin said goodbye overnight to the governor’s mansion (barely halfway through her first term) with a picnic in an Alaskan park. Hello, to what? Well, who knows?
The self-described moose-hunting Rottweiler with lipstick didn’t want Alaska, or Russia’s ‘close neighbour’, to be stuck with a “lame duck” chief executive. So, she flew out of office, and into private citizenship.
The decision has left America largely confused. Critics interpret the hockey mum’s resignation as an antecedent to a move from Wasilla to Washington DC to take on Obama in 2012.
For their part, Palin’s allies are sticking to the script. She has, they say, a desire to “effect change” from outside government. As a spokeswoman said: “The world is literally her oyster.”
Wildlife metaphors aside, and now that the political maverick/punchline has made her noble sacrifice, it’s time to consider what’s next. After all, only dead fish, as she declared, go with the flow.
Here’s out list of possible private sector jobs for the almost veep, delivered in a fitting David Letterman style top-ten.
Speechwriter:
She’s a wordsmith, Sarah.
Her resignation statement used 2,549 words—and 18 exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As one political observer noted, Nixon resigned the presidency in a scant 1,796 words and without even one exclamation point!
PLUS, Sarah capitalised words at random - whole words too. Like ‘HELP,’ and ‘AND,’ and the first letter of ‘Troops.’
Read the text here.
Plumber:
Sarah has the skills: how to flush political campaign down the toilet.
Teacher:
Sarah knows her stuff, as she proved during the ’08 campaign.
When asked by a third grader about the role of the vice-president in an administration, she offered this: “They’re in charge of the U.S. Senate so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes.”
With knowledge like this, Sarah should be teaching legal studies.
While the Vice President does serve as president of the Senate, according to the U.S. Constitution, the vice president’s role is fairly limited to casting tie-breaking votes.
Political pundit:
To make informed comments, you need to consume.
Sarah devours newspapers and magazines, as she told journalist Katie Couric who asked what she reads: “All of ‘em, any of ‘em that have been in front of me over all these years.”
Movie star:
She could take the reverse rite-of-passage of her gubernatorial cohorts, Arnold ‘The Governator’ Schwarzenegger and one-time wrestler Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura.
Sarah is a maverick, after all.
TV star:
We hear there’s a gig going at Saturday Night Live, as a Tina Fey impersonator.
Saleswoman:
The Palins need some moolah, after spending more than $500K on legal fees defending “frivolous ethics violations.”
Sarah could make billions by officially licensing (1) the rimless spectacle and (2) a line of Palin branded fishing gear she has become so accustomed to wearing in interviews.
President (not that kind):
The National Rifle Association is looking for a gun totin’ celebrity trigger spokesperson, after the death of Charlton Heston. End the search now.
The association has already named an assault rifle after her—the ‘Alaskan Hunter’. It’s a civilian version of a modified M-4 rifle carried by U.S. troops overseas, which, according to its makers, can take down big game, and in war zones “can disable both motor vehicles and assailants with body armour.”
Or big-mouthed-almost-son-in-laws.
Gun for hire:
Palin won’t disappear from the public eye as long as Levi Johnston remains alive—and on television.
Levi, you will remember, is the 19-year-old high school dropout who knocked up Palin’s daughter Bristol.
Soon after welcoming baby Tripp into the world, the couple split. He then stripped for a women’s magazine, and lately, has been turning up TV, as a Palin pundit: after his baby’s grandmother quit, Levi declared she couldn’t take the heat.
He’s now shopping around a tell-all book about life inside the Palin camp. Chk Chk Boom.
President (that kind):
It’s Obama versus Palin – and it appears as if Sarah really does have intentions of running for the Oval Office in 2012.
The Internet domain names - sarahpalinforpresident.com and sarahpalin2012.com – have both been registered by someone who goes by the name of Jay Griffin.
The same Jay Griffin who is on the Alaska Republican Party Central Committee with Sarah Palin.
What are some of the other options for Palin after Alaska?
Facebook Recommendations
Read all about it
Punch live
Up to the minute Twitter chatter
“@markatextor: View from my new Crosby|Textor office. http://t.co/mTMUkovBal” Those blinds have got to go.
RT @HeatherSmithAU: Can living in another country change your life for the better? by @lucyjk on @newscomau f. moi http://t.co/E5Ma3kBut2
Recent posts
The latest and greatest
The Punch is moving house
Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…
Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?
I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…
Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”
In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…
Nosebleed Section
choice ringside rantings
From: Hasbro, go straight to gaol, do not pass go
Tim says:
They should update other things in the game too. Instead of a get out of jail free card, they should have a Dodgy Lawyer card that not only gets you out of jail straight away but also gives you a fat payout in compensation for daring to arrest you in the first place. Instead of getting a hotel when you… [read more]From: A guide to summer festivals especially if you wouldn’t go
Kel says:
If you want a festival for older people or for families alike, get amongst the respectable punters at Bluesfest. A truly amazing festival experience to be had of ALL AGES. And all the young "festivalgoers" usually write themselves off on the first night, only to never hear from them again the rest of… [read more]Gentle jabs to the ribs
Superman needs saving
Can somebody please save Superman? He seems to be going through a bit of a crisis. Eighteen months ago,… Read more
Most commented