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There’s more to marriage than cake and wedding bells

Angela Mollard

by Angela Mollard

06 Feb 05:55am

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Filed under: Marriage, Nigella Lawson, Social Issues, Weddings

74 comments

Many years ago, when I was living in London, the fabulous Nigella Lawson and her then-husband John Diamond held a party to celebrate their 10 years as a couple. It was also a goodbye of sorts, because John had terminal throat cancer, which left him unable to speak and – most cruelly – unable to eat his wife’s delicious food.

Mmm… delicious punctuation. Illustration: John Tiedemann.

Yet even without his voice, John was a gifted communicator and, that night – friends later told me – he used a pen and overhead projector to convey his feelings for his wife. “How proud I am of you and what you have become,” he scribbled, in front of family and friends. “The great thing about us is that we’ve made us who we are.”

For me, a girl in her late 20s, bruised by a failed marriage and calloused by career over-commitment, those words evoked a great longing: One day, I would have an enduring relationship to rejoice in.

You see, I’ve always thought we celebrate relationships the wrong way around. I love a wedding. But having wed twice, I feel uneasy celebrating what you hope to achieve, not what you actually accomplish. As my husband often says, “It’s not what you say that matters, it’s what you ultimately do.” (Hence why I’ve given up promising to stack the dishwasher properly.)

I don’t seek to diminish the importance of vows, and I love that marriage is both an ancient and evolving institution – at least in nations progressive enough to support same-sex unions. But for me – and Sex and the City’s Carrie and Mr Big – it’s disconcerting making such an intimate promise in a public manner. In the words of my friend Alison, “A wedding requires you to be the star in your own show but, in a marriage, there’s no room for stars.”

One friend and her husband jetted off to New York for their nuptials, eschewing family and friends for a registry office overlooking Brooklyn Bridge. “Getting married was about the two of us and the commitment we were making to each other,” she says.

My friend Sarah has the opposite view. She says sharing vows codified in the 16th century in a candlelit church in front of the people she loves was “profoundly intimate and sincere”. She and her husband also wanted to mark the passing of their independent lives with a “damn fine send-off”. Which it was.

Whatever wedding you choose, it’s rarely emblematic of the marriage that follows. I know it’s the height of suit and satin season, and there’s a royal shebang around the corner, but allow me a matron-of-dishonour speech.

Girls, there’s no correlation between the largesse of the wedding and the longevity of the marriage. Vows won’t keep you married. On the other hand, compromise, respect, saying sorry, liking (not just loving) each other, sex and avoiding renovations all help.

The average Australian wedding costs $50,000. But scrimp on the gerberas, knock a layer off the cake and make the bridesmaids pay for their dresses and you’ll save enough to pay a babysitter one night a week until your child is five. Trust me, that’s priceless.

Kiss. Not just at your wedding. But every day. Even when you don’t want to. Sorry, I’m not sure how I elevated myself to marriage counsellor, but if a Catholic priest can write a book called Whom Not to Marry, then surely I can give my five cents.

Especially since I just celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary. There’s a long way to go, I know, but forgive me for feeling just a teensy bit proud.

Catch Angela Mollard on Weekend Today, Sundays at 7am on the Nine Network.
Email angelamollard@sundaymagazine.com.au.

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74 comments

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    • Sarah says:

      05:52am | 06/02/11

      You will find that traditionally a wedding was not this massive, expensive, food gorging event that it has become. It used to be a very solemn occasion only experienced by the family. Not only that, you were never a ‘couple’ before you married. There was courtship, but until you actually were married you were still available. A wedding used to be serious because it was a serious contract and so it should be, as it is difficult to fulfill. Its important to remember that a wedding is about marriage and not about your time to be centre of attention.

      Reply

    • bec says:

      07:17am | 06/02/11

      Go you. Trying to convince my fiance for a registry-office wedding by pointing out that I could otherwise spend the money for a fancy wedding on a never-emptying freezer of porterhouse steak for the rest of our lives. Still not working, alas.

      Reply

    • Alex the commie gay feminist says:

      03:20pm | 06/02/11

      tell him that steak makes you horny (alot of space on top of a big chest freezer) and you should be able to seal the deal

    • Ket says:

      08:55am | 06/02/11

      I couldn’t imagine spending that much on a wedding… Sometimes the wedding becomes more important than the marriage. My parents were married in a registry office on the Central Coast one afternoon with just a few close friends as witnesses. They then had a bbq / party at their house that night in lieu of a big reception. They’ve been married for over 30 years. In contrast, my friend had the big Catholic wedding with six bridesmaids and groomsmen, huge reception, cost a fortune. Two years later they were divorced.

      But horses for courses.

      I dislike being the centre of attention, so for me a big wedding in front of lots of people would be too stressful to contemplate. I’d probably have a nervous breakdown. My fiance and I are getting married overseas soon - no family, no friends, just the two of us.

      Reply

    • Janey says:

      06:28pm | 06/02/11

      Ket you must be my twin sister.
      I did the same 17 years ago - still married.
      All the best to you xx

    • Kate says:

      07:31pm | 06/02/11

      My parents did pretty much the same thing - wedding in the registry office, ‘reception’ in a pub with family and friends after. They’ve been happily married 23 years.

      My boyfriend and I are going to do the same thing - small registry office wedding, reception in a pub or restaurant and a honeymoon holiday to the US. I don’t care about all the petty things some women seem to obsess over - what colour to make the invitations, flowers etc. - I just want a nice ceremony which is about my boyfriend and I, rather than having to cater to the wishes of family members (a lot of whom we don’t like anyway!).

    • Adele says:

      01:47pm | 07/02/11

      And my parents had a tiny wedding ceremony in a park, a small reception, and are happily divorced. I don’t think the nature of the wedding decides the success of the marriage.

    • love being married says:

      09:40am | 06/02/11

      the actual type of wedding itself isn’t important….what is important is:
      1. actually liking the person you are marrying
      2. laughing and being silly with each other
      3. not holding a grudge
      4. talking (so unbelivebaly important!!) about anything
      5. respect for each other, but also for each others families
      6. being able to say piss-off to each other and not taking offence
      7. intimacy (not just sex).  however without all of the above, you can’t be truly intimate

      been married 10 yrs.  after an argument, one of us always breaks the ice with “geez….your a cranky prick/bitch…give me a cuddle” we then talk about what happened and how to resolve the problem.  may not work for everyone, but it does for us.  love him to bits!  his not perfect (neither am I). his rough around the edges (a tradie), likes to swear , drink beer , but is also kind, considerate towards others, affectionate and a great Dad…what more can a wife want?

      this is what marriage is about, not how much was spent on the actual event.

      Reply

    • decko says:

      06:29pm | 06/02/11

      maybe someone who brings in heaps of cash and has a large donger?

    • AJ says:

      09:57am | 06/02/11

      Are you sure about $50000 figure? There’s been lots of weddings in my social group in past 2 years and some have been very lavish but $50000 doesn’t sound right. Maybe we just got lucky.

      Reply

    • Stephy says:

      08:38pm | 06/02/11

      AJ, some people go out of their way to have the biggest, most lavish wedding ever. We managed to keep our actual wedding at 8-9k, and that was sheer luck I think. 2 bridesmaids/groomsman, a boat cruise with finger food for the reception (which was a good bargain at $35/head, compared to a sit down meal in a restaraunt, averaging at $75/head in the average restaraunt), a 1963 jag for the car (to appease both our dads), a friend did the photography, mum did the flowers, we bought the cake undecorated and did the decorations ourselves, and both my bridesmaids did their own hair/makeup (I had my hair done, but hated it so pulled it out after leaving the hairdressers. And I did my own makeup). Plus a rack dress from a bridal shop. We cut corners where we could and it still ended up expensive.

      When you think about everythng that goes into a wedding - especially a lavish one - I can see $50k adding up quickly.

      ~ 5-6 bridesmaids/groomsmen. Take suit hire and bridesmaid dresses into account, plus buttonhole flowers for the men, hair/makeup/jewellery for the bridesmaids. Some people also buy new sets of shoes.

      ~ Bridal dress - Anywhere upwards of $2k for a custom made one, the more extravagant the more costly. Then count the accessories - shoes, jewellery, hair and makeup. Often more expensive than the bridesmaids. Some brides also fake tan, wax, manicure, day spa treatment, massage, etc. Oh, and teeth whitening.

      ~ Groomsman. Not really much for him, though suit will cost. My hubby and I splashed out on him a little - hired him an ivory suit, to match my dress. Since there was only one such suit that could be hired and it was a designer suit, that cost a bit.

      ~ Car. Depending on a limo or vintage car, it’s upwards of $350.

      ~ Flowers. Often more than $400 (1 bride, 2 bridesmaids) JUST for the boquets. Plus the buttonholes for the men, the flower decorations for the church, and any flowers you want on your cake.

      ~ Photographer. Average packages are around $1500, starters. Then there’s the videographer and the wedding album (often done by the photographer’s company).

      ~ Reception. This is where the big $$ come in. If you want a big, lavish, expensive wedding, then you could be looking at $150/head onwards. If you have 200 guests, that’s $30k. Then there’s table centrepieces, nameplates, bomboniere. Oh, also, music. If you’re hiring a live band… couple of thou there.

      ~ Invitations. Going through a professional company and having them made up will cost a couple of hundred. Depending on the amount of invites.

      ~ Hire of the church and marriage papers. Often the cheapest, can be $150 for the church and about the same for the papers. Well, it was for me, but I was a member of the church and it wasn’t a big one to begin with. It’s probably more for a whopping great big cathedral style thing.

      ~ Cake. $200 plain, undecorated. And that’s to serve 60.

      There are other points, but in my current pregnant-brain-late-night-befuddled state I can’t think of them. But $50k can be added up pretty quickly.
      And that’s before the honeymoon, and without the really extravagant stuff like wedding planner, live butterflies etc

      It’s a lot to pay for a day. I can think of several days (before and after) worth as much to me that didn’t cost even close. 3 1/2 years on and still married. Even after The Age (I can’t find the article on the net, but it was the 7th of October 2007, something like “The seven year itch is for the lucky ones”) gave us no more than 3 years, according to the article they wrote after catching us as we were walking back down the aisle and publishing it on the paper the next day.

    • Shifter says:

      02:22pm | 07/02/11

      We’re talking average here. Lets imagine there’s a few $200,000 ‘celebrity’ weddings out there. Whack on 4 ‘cheap’ $8,000 weddings and you’ve got your 50k average for 5 weddings.

      For those of us who can’t see what the fuss is about, there’s always a couple out there who needs the works, right down to the 18K gold lame lingerie.

    • nobody special says:

      10:26am | 06/02/11

      today’s world is full of people telling us what we need to be happy
      (when what they are really telling us is that they need our money)
      Just about every stage of life from cradle to grave is now covered.
      A big wedding is apparently one of those needs and people seem to believe that it has always been so.  Sad really.

      Reply

    • Lisa H. says:

      12:15pm | 07/02/11

      I guess it depends on who you hang with.
      Most of my social circle advised (very loudly) that any marriage, cheap or expensive, was not advisable.
      As a result, they are all unmarried, their de facto arrangements have fizzled, and many are still wondering if they’ll ever have kids or get their lives together.
      I have three kids, a financial future and a husband who loves me.
      Marriage is important!

      If you’re a shallow spend-a-holic or a spoilt brat and spend a fortune on your wedding, the marriage doesn’t fail because you spent a fortune on the wedding.
      It failed because you’re shallow, or a spoiled brat.

    • Bitten says:

      05:31pm | 07/02/11

      Wow Lisa H, you’ve got it all - children, husband, money. And self-righteous gloating genes. Sadly, there is no cure for smugness.

    • Miffed says:

      12:13pm | 06/02/11

      When I celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary I was also very proud and the mother of a beautiful 2 year old boy. Six years later I was ringing 000 in fear for my life…. my husband had bipolar disorder and had become extremely violent. I thought I had a keeper… all my friends were in awe of our ‘perfect’ marriage. How wrong we all were!!!

      Reply

    • K says:

      12:49pm | 06/02/11

      My husband and I got married 2 and a half years ago and spent about $20,000. However just under half of that was spent on our honeymoon; we’d never traveled overseas before and so a honeymoon was a good excuse to spend a lot of money on the trip we’d always wanted to take.

      We had the ceremony and reception in the gazebo at the hotel literally 30 secs down the road from our house and the main cost was the food for our families! We both come from families of 5 children!

      It was a simple, beautiful day without lots of fanfare and was a semi-public affirmation of the commitment we’d been making to each other every day for the past 6 years, and a way to say thank you to our families for all the love, help and support they’d given us over that time with a nice feed and free booze!

      I know people who have spent more than $50,000 and people who’ve spent less than $10,000 on their weddings. Some of them have lasted and some of them haven’t.  But the common theme that runs through the ones that have lasted, has not been about the importance of that one day, but the respect for and commitment they have to each other. And no amount of money is going to buy you that.

      Reply

    • mary monica roche says:

      12:57pm | 06/02/11

      Champion ALP Leader Mark Latham believes that unmarried people are unable to love and feel empathy for other people ( brisbane Today February 5 2011).

      Reply

    • Aasq says:

      02:59pm | 06/02/11

      Incorrect, mary.

      Latham makes no mention of marriage. His universally condemned article refers to parenting.

    • decko says:

      06:31pm | 06/02/11

      my experience in the workplace would suggest he’s got a point

    • Aasq says:

      06:37pm | 06/02/11

      For example, decko ?

    • decko says:

      08:38pm | 09/02/11

      For example working with childless women who when you tell them it’s your daughter’s birthday, they still expect you to stay at work until very late, talking about their dogs in the same way normal people talk abou their kids ( i like dogs too but it’s simply not the same), showing a general lack of appreciation for anything other than work, and i know it’s an assumption only, it justs gives you an impression there’s something missing in their life. And i realise there are people with kids who are like that, and i realise there’s a natural affirmation bias you apply, but my experience is that people without kids in the workplace have less empathy for others and their personal lives outside of work.

    • Cate P says:

      12:58pm | 06/02/11

      Congratulations on 10 years, well done!  But I’d not agree with the statement “Vows won’t keep you married.”    Everything you later say will keep you married is implicit in the traditional marriage vows; they will keep you married if you both take them seriously enough to wake up every day determined to keep them with love.

      Reply

    • Mayday says:

      02:00pm | 06/02/11

      I’m a bit lost as to the attraction of marriage, an ancient institution which in this modern age is well past its use by date, weddings are just another INDUSTRY worth many millions of dollars.

      The wedding ceremony and reception are often an overblown spend and cash grab, think of those disgusting gift registry’s and the price bracket of some gifts!

      Get your name changed by deed poll if that’s your thing then have a party and save yourself a lot of time and effort while still enjoying the commitment made to each other.

      Reply

    • Janey says:

      08:56pm | 06/02/11

      “The wedding ceremony and reception are often an overblown spend and cash grab, think of those disgusting gift registry’s and the price bracket of some gifts!”

      I now decline wedding invitations that state the happy couple are having a “wishing well” because they have been shacked up for years and already have kids.
      Been to 2 weddings with the well and have seen the blushing brides on facebook with all the cash fanned out bragging about how much they got.  It seems you pay to attend the wedding which then in turn pays for the wedding.
      Disgusting.

    • Bec says:

      05:38am | 07/02/11

      Wishing wells, Janey, are a wonderful opportunity to give cash to a newly wedded couple. So long as said cash is in another currency, comprised solely of the smallest coin denomination available.

    • Janey says:

      10:27am | 07/02/11

      Did your wedding have a wishing well Bec?

    • Rachel says:

      01:00pm | 07/02/11

      An acquaintence of mine had a wishing well at her wedding. She chucked a major temper tantrum because they “only” received $3000. Soon as I heard that, I ripped up the card I was going to give her and put the money back in my wallet. She is now doing the baby shower thing and she just falls short of putting her banking details on the invite - it was emphasised that “large gift” items had been included on the baby registry in case “family members wanted to all chip in for a bigger gift”. Disgraceful stuff.

    • bec says:

      03:38pm | 07/02/11

      Not married yet, but absolutely not having one, nor a registry. If people want to give gifts they can go to town, but to be honest we have everything we need. I just like knowing that a person tacky enough to put a gift request in their invitation will need to expend effort carting around $100 worth of American pennies to various currency exchanges to get their money.

    • southernX says:

      02:13pm | 06/02/11

      Marriage is a legal contract that benefits the less financially strong party. no more, no less. In most cases, therefore, it benefits women more than men (note I say most, not all).

      The huge amounts spent on the ceremony is a victory for the wedding and credit industries.  In time, people will realise how stupid it is to spend any money on a wedding. Have a great party for your family and friends, sure, but at your own desires and avoiding all the wedding industry price hikes.

      Reply

    • Melinda says:

      02:32pm | 06/02/11

      I actually find the selfish “it’s our day” approach to a cheap wedding, where all is lavished on the B&G at the expense of family, just as concerning as the large weddings. You have to recognise, that somewhere, a mother and a father, are also celebrating a milestone in their lives, so is a family, the family that supported and steered the couple to the point to which they have found themselves. I found my wedding as much about these people as it was about us, a sort of thank you for getting me here celebration. We didn’t have a big wedding, but we didn’t scrimp on the experience for those we loved. We have been married for nearly 13 years and have 5 children.

      Reply

    • Bilby says:

      11:54am | 07/02/11

      I completely agree. The day belongs to both the families that are being joined together by couple’s union. That’s why young relatives are used as flower girls and boys, why the parents are required to make a speech, and why family photos have to be taken. Family history has just been updated.

    • Steph says:

      06:32pm | 07/02/11

      The main reason we had a fair size wedding was more for a union of my two families that anything else. I was keen on a Fijian beach wedding but realised the damage I would have done if I had effectively excluded my family and in-laws from the celebration. Absolutely no regrets now as see that the union of these families has resulted in my kids.

    • Observer says:

      06:50pm | 11/02/11

      “The day belongs to both the families that are being joined together by couple’s union. “

      Sounds like words of a control freak.  I suspect that one of the many reasons why couples are choosing the registry wedding option is because of meddling relatives and in-laws who hold your position that the couple’s wedding day is an event that *must* include said nosey relatives’ precious offspring to be dressed as page boy/lower girl and a perverse power of veto over the guest list. The day belongs to the couple. It is not a family reunion, it is not a stage for some proud parent to show off their little angel. How dare someone impose themselves upon a couple! No, a wedding day is not for the couple’s families.  A wedding day is for the couple. How can anything else be “selfish”?

    • Elphaba - poofy dresses a no-no says:

      05:03pm | 06/02/11

      Yeah, I can’t say I understand spending a crapload of money just so you can have the perfect wedding.  If there is such a thing.  I’ve no objection to the standard wedding like what my brother had, (lovely ceremony, reception, photos, dress, suits etc etc) but when a friend of mine told me a few years ago she spent $5000 on her wedding dress alone, that she never plans to wear again, I balked.  Then I asked her was she going to sell it on eBay afterwards?

      Yeah… not my most sensitive moment.  I’m missing the bride gene, I think.

      I’d be less concerned about what the dress/flowers/food were doing, and more concerned about picking of the perfect soundtrack for the day/night, lol

      Reply

    • Stephy says:

      08:51pm | 06/02/11

      Nah, Elphaba, you’re not missing the gene, you’ve got the common sense gene overriding it. Big fluffy weddings are a great idea, but the money, oh gods, the money…. think of what it could go to! A nice deposit on a house! A car! A trip overseas! Put in the bank for kids schooling!

    • Elphaba says:

      08:08am | 07/02/11

      @Stephy, it is all about the overseas travel, lol

      I’d get married in a burlap sack if it meant there was more money in the travel kitty. wink

    • Kate says:

      11:55am | 07/02/11

      A woman after my own heart!

      My boyfriend and I plan to get married in a couple of years. It’ll be a registry office wedding with a pub reception but I already have the soundtrack all planned out, beginning with ‘Invincible’ by Muse and ‘Stand Inside Your Love’ by the Pumpkins.
      As for the dress - I’m thinking off the rack, simple white dress, $300 max. Must be able to withstand tear stains because I am a sooky la la and will probably cry through the entire thing.

    • Stephy says:

      12:33pm | 07/02/11

      With my previous comment, you can pretty much see my arms waving round in the air like garfield when he gets excited.

      El, enjoy the travel. If I had a travel fund, I’d give it to you. It’s a good thing to experience travel.

      I swear I will never willingly go overseas again. You cannot make me! 8 months in Canada against my will. Nope, never again. You can take my travel.

      By the time you rip the satin off the dress, you’ve got white tulle, which could pass as a burlap sack nicely smile

    • Shifter says:

      02:19pm | 07/02/11

      @Elphaba - don’t leave me in suspense, what’s on the soundtrack?

    • Elphaba says:

      02:52pm | 07/02/11

      @Shifter, lol, I’m not looking at getting married anytime soon, so I haven’t thought *that* much about it.  I hear songs and go “Hmmm, that’d sound cool…”.  I just always thought it would be the best part of planning a wedding. wink

      I think chicks who plan their wedding with no man on the horizon are weird.

    • Shifter says:

      03:48pm | 07/02/11

      @Stephy - 8 months in Canada? Sign me up eh smile

      @Elphaba - chicks are weird full stop *ducks for cover*. More so if they are planning non-existant weddings.

      I’m not ashamed to admit it: there has been so many things I’ve needed to google today from this thread and other things. Starting with tulle, which I now understand to be wearable mosquito nets.

    • Elphaba says:

      04:21pm | 07/02/11

      @Shifter - or choosing baby names.  Before they’ve met the man.

      Yikes! 

      I’ve always felt like an outsider within my own species…

    • Bilby says:

      05:37pm | 06/02/11

      The wedding is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things but still it’s a pretty special day. Why not go crazy. This April will mark 20 years since that first night that my now wife came home with me for coffee, and no that’s not a double entendre. The single most important thing that’s kept us going is romance, pure and simple. The wedding isn’t the *most* romantic day of your life but it’s right up there. Start the way you mean to continue I reckon.

      Reply

    • Mr Pod says:

      06:42pm | 06/02/11

      Blimey, I only spent $600 on restaurant bill for a few friends with a surprise celebrant visit.  Together 25 years, the only thing I’d say is be with someone who is your best friend and is as keen as yourself to get inside their knickers.

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      08:14pm | 06/02/11

      If she’s as keen to get inside her knickers as you are, I think, instead, I’d rather watch…and take notes.

    • Thomas says:

      08:03pm | 06/02/11

      My wife and I got married five years ago.. just me, her, and the registery office staff without any of our family knowing we were going to do it.. we spent maybe a couple hundred bucks on clothing, had chinese takeout for dinner and enjoyed playing video games and watching movies together for afew days before we both went back to work.

      The biggest thing I see people forgetting about marriage and weddings is the most obvious.. it is about two people, nobody else. It’s not about what your parents always dreamed it would be like. It’s not about oneupping your sister and her wedding. It’s not about going out the night before and getting drunk off your face and making stupid mistakes with your still single mates the night before.

      It’s about two people, saying that not only do they love each other, but that they are willing to enter into a.. theoretically lifetime long.. legally binding contract to say that they will stay dedicated to one another. It’s about these two people promising to care for and look after one another for the foreseable future. It’s a serious matter, and should be handled seriously.

      The best advice I’ve ever heard given about weddings is that it should be planned ONLY by the two people involved. Nobody else should have any input until the planning stages are done, and changes should not be made at the behest of anyone else. The planning is also a lesson in one of the most important skills in staying married.. compromise.. if a wedding is all what one person wants at the expense of the other, that doesn’t bode well for the future.

      I find it interesting that as the average price of weddings has risen.. the length of time that people remain married has fallen. Divorce rates are so high now, and yet so many people spend so much on this grand decleration of their love… treating it as nothing other than romantic and too often refusing to sit down and discuss real life issues such as how much debt they are going to be in… only to fall apart over the next few years.

      Reply

    • BrewsterMac says:

      07:54am | 07/02/11

      Some weddings appear to be just a rights of passage, a ritual for the tribally minded and a desire for acceptance into the tribe through ceremony, rather than a relationship.  Each to their own though.

    • Kerryn says:

      07:14am | 07/02/11

      I just want to be married and be Mrs B already.  The wedding my mother and his mother want me to have is causing me nothing but grief.  It looks like the only thing that I want that I’m actually going to get is kids at the wedding and reception (I love children, ok?).  The worst thing is is that my fiancé feels honour-bound to have a traditional wedding.  Screw tradition.  I hate dresses, I hate parties, and I hate the idea that the day when it’s supposed to be all about my fiancé and I will end up being all about the guests as we have to go around to each table and say hi instead of enjoying our evening.

      Reply

    • Janey says:

      10:32am | 07/02/11

      oh dear Kerryn, sounds like a nightmare.
      I eloped and I encourage my sons to do the same - especially if they end up with a scenario like you are facing!

    • Kate says:

      12:08pm | 07/02/11

      Family is the number one reason why my boyfriend and I are having a very small registry office wedding. We love our immediate families, but our extended families are very strange and we’d rather not have people there who have always been arseholes to us.

      My nanna is surely going to ask for an invite, but it’s been two years and she either ignores my boyfriend or refers to him by my ex’s name. Luckily his mother doesn’t mind what sort of wedding we have and my mother is a big fan of the registry office approach, given that she and my dad did the same when they were married.

    • Stephy says:

      12:37pm | 07/02/11

      Kerrynn sorry to hear that :( Remember it’s your day, and while generally it ends up appeasing guests, you can still sneak in things you want! Maybe a radical song to walk out of the church to (this is my first example because it’s the one I did. I had “The Great Escape” theme tune when I went out. People raised their eyebrows, but it’s my day, and I can smile when remembering). Or have your bridesmaids in costume. Sneak something in that YOU want, and when you remember your big day, you’ll have something to put a smile on your face. And keep in mind the wedding night. It’s something to look forward to!

    • Grumpy says:

      12:51pm | 07/02/11

      You sound pretty ungrateful to me…

    • Elphaba says:

      01:11pm | 07/02/11

      @Kerryn, my brother had a very difficult time getting his wedding happening because of a mother-in-law that was determied to break up the relationship, as well as his spirit.

      She picked the wrong guy to have a fight with, lol

      Point is, they considered eloping too, but realised that they didn’t want to let one person ruin the happiest day of their lives. Is it just the mothers that have gone a little loopy?  Have you asked your fiance to stop thinking about what he’s honour-bound to do and think about what he really wants?  My experience has been, that even if you kowtow to every request being made, the mothers will still find something to bitch about on the big day.  If you can live with it, fine (It’s one day, afterwards it doesn’t matter) - but if you’re going to piss them off anyway, you can always do it in style with an elopement.

      Nothing brings out people’s crazy like a wedding.  You should be able to isolate it and study it, because it brings out the freak in people.

      Good luck with it all. grin

    • Kerryn says:

      01:48pm | 07/02/11

      Thanks everyone.

      I’ve discussed elopement with my fiancé, but seeing as his mother isn’t too pleased with him at the moment anyway (not fond of him growing up and leaving home!) he doesn’t want to ruin his relationship with her.

      The fact is, I’m not too hung up on the wedding.  I just want a quick wedding and photos, and a really fun reception (hence the addition of children to the mix, they always seem to have fun), and then to forget about it.  I’m more looking forward to the day-to-day stuff of marriage, like doing the dishes together smile

    • Bilby says:

      02:11pm | 07/02/11

      Kerryn - Try not to think of any effort to appease your mother in law as a special effort for her. Try to think of it as a special effort for your future husband. He obviously cares about what his mum thinks, and he cares about his relationship with her (as he should) so if you fight it you are forcing him to make a choice between the two most important women in his life. In my experience, that never ends well.

      Just like any party, it pretty much is all about your guests. Sure there’s that bit where everyone looks at you, but that’s only a small part of it. Surely you’d take pleasure from seeing everyone gathered together enjoying themselves knowing that you made an effort on their behalf? As I wrote that it pinged into my head that that is exactly what we do as parents, so this might be good practice wink

    • Cate P says:

      05:44pm | 07/02/11

      Think carefully Kerryn, there might be other things he feels honour bound to do that you might hate too ...

    • PD says:

      08:27am | 07/02/11

      By all means, save on the wedding but don’t spend the savings on baby-sitters.

      Enjoy every moment of your kids while they are babies and never leave your baby with strangers. If you can’t see the value in that, or have the kind of life where you must have a night out without the kids at least once a week, what sort of life or marriage is that?

      Your wedding vow should include: ‘if we have kids, we’ll always put their needs ahead of ours at least until they’re adults’. If you’re not ready for that, you’re not ready for marriage and a family.

      PS   - I’ve been with my partner for 27 years, never married, raised our kids without ever hiring a baby-sitter.

      Reply

    • hot tub political machine says:

      09:22am | 07/02/11

      About time punchers knew I plan on asking someone to marry me later this year. The fact that the “marriage is more important than the wedding” has been on my mind lately.

      Reply

    • Bilby says:

      10:37am | 07/02/11

      The wedding is pretty important because if you do it right (in keeping with what you believe) then it can be one of the most special days of your life, but you’re right that in the end it’s just a blip on the continuum.

      Hope it all goes well, and don’t hold back. The plan is usually that you only do it once wink

    • PD says:

      11:02am | 07/02/11

      Why do we need to know that you’re planning to propose? Tell us when you’re engaged. At this stage it’s just a thought. What are you waiting for, anyway? Need to convince yourself, or sell your virtues to her some more first?

    • hot tub political machine says:

      11:14am | 07/02/11

      Thanks for the adivce Bilby, haha - yes that is definately the plan.

    • fairsfair says:

      12:10pm | 07/02/11

      Onya HTPM - thats great news. Put on that tight T-Shirt you mentioned the other day and she’ll be all over you like white on rice wink

    • hot tub political machine says:

      12:15pm | 07/02/11

      I’m guessing its a troll right PD? Just in case it isn’t I’ll answe faithfully. Question one, if you don’t wanna read about it - sorry for taking away that fraction of a second of your life. To the second,yhe choice has been made - the asking will happen, there is the matter of timing the question so its memorable.

    • Stephy says:

      12:40pm | 07/02/11

      Good luck, Hot tub! Let us know if it’s accepted!

    • hot tub political machine says:

      12:48pm | 07/02/11

      Cheers fairsfair,

      I reckon a Groom’s suit may have an even more powerful effect…:)

    • Elphaba says:

      12:55pm | 07/02/11

      Good luck Hot Tub.

      @PD… awww, that’s not very nice.  Does no one want to marry you, poor baby?

    • hot tub political machine says:

      01:15pm | 07/02/11

      Will do Stephy

    • Thommo says:

      09:28am | 07/02/11

      My wife is a celebrant in a small country town. She’s sone around 30 weddings in the last 18 months. Not one of them would have cost over $10,000. The average was about $7,000. Most people do try to scrimp and save and cut corners where possible. I think it’s only the out of touch city slickers who think the cost of a wedding is a reflection on your social status.

      Reply

    • Eleanor says:

      09:50am | 07/02/11

      Firstly - congratulations on your 10th anniversary Angela. I’ve gotta say, that made me ‘aww’ alound in the office.

      And I agree. My ex and I were at the stage of talking about marriage. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to invite interstate cousins who he only saw at weddings and funerals. I always said I wanted the ceremony to be just me, my prospective husband, and perhaps both our parents and a handful of lifelong friends. I never understood why people would want to make such a deeply personal and meaningful commitment in front of a roomful of veritable strangers.

      Then, I’d have a big party afterwards, where all the extended family can come along. I reckon a big spit roast on the beach, with a bonfire, limbo and plenty of sangria. Just like how your friend put it - a good send-off to independent living.

      Reply

    • Em says:

      11:47am | 07/02/11

      My parents wed in a marriage office with only my nan present and only for imigration/work perposes (my mum lived in brisbane and my dad from canada). It cost them about a whopping $20 in the 80s. 26 years later they are still happily married with 2 little 21/25 year olds running around.

      Reply

    • Rebecca says:

      12:15pm | 07/02/11

      Well said - my husband and I have been happily (well for the most part anyway) married for nearly 13 years and have just seen our daughter off to Uni so now it’s just the 2 of us and if he wasn’t my best friend and a person I enjoy spending my time with we would probably be divorcing in the very near future!! Don’t get me wrong I don’t think we need to live in each others pockets and do everything together but the fact we have different interests actually helps us to come back together and be us.

      Reply

    • Elizabeth says:

      12:29pm | 07/02/11

      Congrats on your 10 years!!!
      You give great advice for being happy in a marriage. All true especially the one about the spending the $ on a babysitter.

      Reply

    • Grumpy says:

      12:35pm | 07/02/11

      Was there a point to this article? i think i missed something…

      Reply
 
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