The world has always been going to Hell in a handbasket
Margaret Court was right - we’re all going to Hell. But she wasn’t the first to tell us, we’ve been going to Hell for centuries. Here Simon J Green digs up the transcripts of the Margaret Courts of their day.
The state of the planet today makes me sick. Back in my day, children respected their elders. If you didn’t show the right amount of respect, you were given the strap. I got bamboo across my palm thrice in school and it did me the world of good. Something else that made me the sensible person I am today: a decent education. The corner stone of that education was maths. If more kids were taught mathematics in school, there’d be less drop outs, less teen pregnancies and more graduates going to university.
In my time, an education was paramount, but the amount of time children spend on the Internet today should terrify us all. We might have watched a bit of TV after school, but kids spend 25 hours a day in front of their computer screens, devouring pornography. It’s no wonder we see moral decay taking hold and destroying once sacred institutions like marriage. The growing acceptance of gay as a normal way of life challenges the very core of decent society, represented most keenly by the disintegration of marriage. We’ve given them civil unions, what more do they want? No need to worry, though, because our arrogance will soon doom us all. The hubris that is genetically modified crops will surely lead to our demise, as we play God with the most fundamental of forces: mother nature. Disgusting.
What’s wrong with this country? A bunch of heathen hippies, running around half naked, threatening our religion and our way of life!? I bet these free-spirited failures were never given ten strokes on the hand or a whip across the backside at school. The lack of respect these so-called flower children show their elders is nothing like what it was back in my day. They run around in the parks, committing lascivious acts in broad daylight, spreading their disgusting free love. These women dancing with their tops off would do well to receive a proper education in how to be a proper woman. Where’s cooking classes in school these days, eh? Instead of teaching kids how to smoke bongs and letting them read the violent pornography they call comic books (what’s so comical about them?), or invoking satan with their rock and roll, they should be learning how to keep a home and a man. These hippies have already taken over our music, what more do they want? If rock and roll doesn’t lead to a Sodom that ends us all, the bomb will do the job for us. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Ruskies and their pinko hippie friends weren’t colluding to start the war that wipes us off the Earth. Filthy.
What befalls the soul of this once great city? I recall a brighter past, whence our progeny treated their forebears with a tone of respect. What a formal education now lacks is the solid and terrifying pain of a walking stick or reed, wrapped two score across the palm. A bit of blood brings decency to a youngling. It is a great calamity that our headmasters’ resolve weakens, and nary a mark is left that lasts more than ten minutes. While I ruminate on the failings of the classroom, I must bring up the degradation of our ‘modern’ curriculum. What substitute is reading for the sedate and mannerly learning of the loom? Bring back the loom and needlework as a primary concern for our youth, and a more sturdy industry will be ours. Our productivity is already under threat, but on one front more, with women getting the absurd notion they can work in our factories. These delusions of progression lead to ego, and the Protestant notion that we should play God. We harness electricity as if we were the heretical Zeus. The lackluster enthusiasm of young men is sapped further by their idling in books, nonsense written only to indulge fantasy - it’s a short step from fantasy to insanity, at which point these absent minded youths will electrify us all to our graves. Horrific.
Harvest Fall, 1200
To where did the fiefdom of my memory vanish? I recall when a babe would respect the teat from which it suckled. Now there is back-talk and mere hitting with sticks. In my day, a wayward child would have his hand cleft from his arm, and the stump verily a reminder of past misdeeds. I should not wonder, for the mother circles teach our young the softest of lessons. Rather than lullabies, our children should be taught pugilism. Throw two milquetoasts in a pit, and he who emerges alive shall be a far stronger asset to our feudal realm. The blame for weakness of youth today should too be cast on their petty toys. A hoop and stick occupies a lad these days, a device clearly designed with carnal knowledge in mind. In my day, a rigidity of mind and body was necessary, but now the Lords seek to emancipate our young workers. We’ve given these boys of ten years good work in mines, what more do they want? I suspect that our village will seek aid soon anyway, as we play God with that most fundamental of forces: oscillation. This rocking chair device I spy in our Lord’s parlor will surely be the death of us all. Such evil.
Winter Solstice, 1
Me despair for this network of caves and shelters. Small peoples are so rude to we big peoples. They get treated too nice. In my day, if little child be naughty, we cut its head off and offer him to the gods. Bring back child sacrifice. It no surprise. Little ones not being taught properly by tribe shaman. Tribe shaman should not teach things like how to find berries; shaman should teach how to sacrifice children to the gods. Me suppose children becoming soft weaklings anyway, made worse by the way they play with rocks. Rocks are clearly pornography. It all because of this Jesus of Nazareth man. Jesus is number one threat to me religion. Me hear that tribe chief plan to let members of short-beard tribe in. Short-beards! We already give them west side of river, what more they want? Me should not be so shocked. We going to all die soon anyway, because me see Jebediah use stones to make walls, and me know that stones belong on ground, so the Gods will send flood and we all die.
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