Julian Assange is in the news again today and until such time as British cops storm the embassy, it all seems like more of the same.

Assange… Julian Assange

The thing is, if you take a step or two back and look at the Assange saga with fresh eyes, this ongoing epic has all the elements of the most fantastical story ever penned.

Imagine a movie script about a rogue Australian website editor and Russian talk show host descended from Taiwanese pirates who flees Scandinavian sex charges by holing himself up in a South American embassy in Britain so the Americans can’t get him!

If you were a big movie studio, you’d either throw the scriptwriters out of your office and tell them to seek alternate work at Taco Bell, or you’d invest all kinds of crazy money in the project and tell Daniel Craig to dust off his tux.

The Wikileaks bunker emerges from the slime… on its quest for more slime

This thing could work. And unlike some recent Bond efforts, it’d have legs for the full two hours, not just the opening action sequence. This one would be more of a traditional spy thriller, as 007 closes in on the man who styles himself as as a latter day Robin Hood, stealing from the information rich and giving to the data poor.

In the most memorable scene, as Bond seduces a Scandinavian beauty, the buxom Swede would say “You put the sensual into consensual, Mr Bond”.

Competition to play supervillain Assange would be huge. Kevin Rudd, John Inman and Macaulay Culkin are just three who’d be perfect, although it is strongly rumoured at least two of them may be dead.

Leave this guy home alone with a bottle of grey hair colour and he's an instant Julian

The movie’s final sequence would obviously be dramatic, as Assange is revealed not to be a freedom fighter but a mercenary intent on publishing anything and everything for his own glorification.

Not that anyone needs James Bond to point that out.

@antsharwood

The man with the golden pun: Follow Chris Paine on Twitter because he thought of this headline. And he’s a good bloke.

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65 comments

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    • sunny says:

      03:12pm | 16/08/12

      Sean Connery was the best Assange.

    • n_dude says:

      12:30pm | 17/08/12

      No Roger Moore is

    • M says:

      03:17pm | 16/08/12

      He really does look like Kev.

    • ronny jonny says:

      04:02pm | 16/08/12

      With a little bit of Julia and perhaps a dash of Penny Wong.

    • James Bond says:

      03:17pm | 16/08/12

      I’ll have a vodka martini…shaken…not stirred.

    • SimpleSimon says:

      03:19pm | 16/08/12

      “You put the sensual into consensual, Mr Bond”.

      Lol. Best.

    • iansand says:

      03:31pm | 16/08/12

      Wouldn’t she say “You put the con into consensual”?

    • Brimstone says:

      03:35pm | 16/08/12

      Bill Maher, no contest.

    • Esteban says:

      04:02pm | 16/08/12

      Ant there actually has been a movie made about Assange.  “Underground - The Julian Assange story”  will premiere at the Toronto film festival later this year.

      The telemovie will then air on the ten network.

      What is this movie theme you are taking us on this week?

    • Swamp Thing says:

      04:05pm | 16/08/12

      Anyone else notice how much he looks like Gillard?
      Write that one into the plot, biological mum won’t help sonny boy escape the swedes!

    • ronny jonny says:

      04:06pm | 16/08/12

      The buxom Swede would say, ” You grubby little pervert, you said you had a condom!” and then spend her time terrified of HIV, pregancy, STDs. Not very sauve or cool Mr Assange. I bet they leave that part out of the movie.

    • Jay says:

      10:16pm | 16/08/12

      Of course. Who gives a stuff about the women’s perspective? Julian is the victim here. It says so on the Internet.

    • Helen says:

      10:36am | 17/08/12

      Ummmm, how does a woman not realise he isnt wearing a condom? And I dont understand Sweden’s laws re this - it takes two to tango, and it doesnt have to be up the man to provide the protection. If he doesnt have protection, and she is so concerned about HIV, pregnancy, STDs, there is that little word “no”. Or have I missed something here?

    • Steve says:

      04:20pm | 16/08/12

      If the British do “storm the embassy”  please, please be like the SAS taking the Iranian Embassy during the 1980 hostage siege.  None of the hostage takers survived.  One was shot trying to surrender.

      Don’t be half-hearted - Assange could be armed and desperate.

      Anything to stop the self-serving Assange whining…

    • Kevin says:

      05:02pm | 16/08/12

      You must work for the govt or you’re completely without intellegence, since you have absolutely no regard for the loss of freedoms and the decline in democracy around the world. This is not about Assange, it’s about government secrecy - mainly the US - they engage in lawless killing of innocent people around the world in their push to be the biggest bully and control all the oil. Assange simply leveraged an anonymous media platform which leakers could utilise to inform the people of what their govts are hiding and secretly planning. It’s obvious that Assange won’t be able to leave the UK but the information war will continue against all governments regardless of Assange’s fate. I just hope he doesn’t get into the hands of the US terrorists (sorry, government)!

    • ABC says:

      07:59pm | 16/08/12

      You shouldn’t be talking about intelligence if you cannot spell it.

    • thatmosis says:

      08:07am | 17/08/12

      They do not now have to storm the embassy as they can now just wait until he gets sick and tired of sitting on his arse doing nothing for the rest of his life. I’m wondering how long it is before the Poms block internet access to the embassy to stop this clown promoting himself. Sorry just a technical glitch.
        He has shown himself for what he really is a self opinionated clown who cant or wont take responsibility for his actions and unfortunately he is Australian. I hope that he is taken eventually by the US and tried as he should be and good riddance to bad rubbish.
      ABC, looking at the people who are supporting him the spelling of one word seems the least of their problems. I would like to know what the people who paid his bail now think of him now that they have lost that money?

    • I hate pies says:

      08:24am | 17/08/12

      The government are entitled to secrecy - you don’t need to know everything. Who on this earth tells everyone they know absolutely everything? Any Assange supporters who don’t are hypocrites.

    • MarkS says:

      08:56am | 17/08/12

      @ABC
      Why? Spelling & Intelligence are not directly related. Spelling Pissant.

    • Mark says:

      09:21am | 17/08/12

      I like to imagine what would happen if Ecuador got a helicopter to land on the top of the embassy- would the UK shoot it down? Could be the beginning of the end

    • Troy Flynn says:

      04:01pm | 17/08/12

      @Mark. That was my thought for an option too. Let’s face it. If they did storm the embassy, it would be considered an act of war, even more so it they shot down a diplomatic helicopter. I’m sure a lot of South American countries would side with Ecuador. Argentina would be a likely candidate as they still want the Falklands back. Columbia and Venezuela would likely support them against Britain too.

    • GYTIC says:

      04:25pm | 16/08/12

      What’s wrong with Daniel Craig?

      Must be that i’m a Gen Y’er. Or maybe I can appreciate all of the prior bond films as well as the new ones because i’m not ready to judge the entertainment based on the actor.

      I personally enjoy watching any kind of movie and dissecting my own messages and thoughts from it, regardless of how much I liked it.

    • Leonardo DiCaprio says:

      04:26pm | 16/08/12

      I want the part.

    • Matchofbris says:

      04:37pm | 16/08/12

      ROFL, can you bung an Aussie accent as much as you did a South African/Rhodesian accent, dear DeCaffe-prio?

    • DJ says:

      04:53pm | 16/08/12

      All comments here are made by complete dumbasses. Wake up.

    • sunny says:

      06:05pm | 16/08/12

      Welcome to the club DJ. You’re membership number is 0015.

    • GYTIC says:

      06:29pm | 16/08/12

      Sorry man, I have slightly better things to do then appraise the obvious satirical style or attempt to disect the motivation for posting this article in the first place. Most replies are based on the level of effort put into this article and whilst I appreciate the glib humor made by the author, I DO NOT APPRECIATE the ridicule of my boy, Daniel Craig.

      Good day, dumbass #15,

      Sincerely,

      Dumbass #13, fan of daniel craig.

    • David says:

      05:06pm | 16/08/12

      According to Julian Burnside on Twitter “the fact is the US does want him”.... wonder how he knows that? Did Wikileaks leak something?

    • Dugald says:

      05:10pm | 16/08/12

      No, No, No! not K Rudd…..he would throw a hissy fit at the first rehersal, a STRONG character needed here, how about J Howard, full of bombast and BS and signifying nothing….?

    • Josh says:

      06:08pm | 16/08/12

      Wow, trashy article with an even trashier throw-away line of ideological condemnation at the end! Does this count as journalism, surely not?

    • Mike says:

      10:17pm | 16/08/12

      No, it counts as an opinion. raspberry

    • thruthehaze says:

      06:10pm | 16/08/12

      I don’t recall that any of Bond’s adversaries were rapists.

    • Brad says:

      06:14pm | 16/08/12

      Julian Assange and Wikileaks have done the world a very great service.The British will be shooting themselves in the foot if they enter the Ecuadorian embassy and remove Julian forcibly.

    • ABC says:

      08:01pm | 16/08/12

      All Julian Assange is doing is promoting a vitriolic anti-US stance.  His stated aim (have a look at any interview he’s ever don) is to contribute to the destabilisation of the US government.  The guy is a hack.  Dressing it up in freedom of speech should not take away from this.

    • Warrenz says:

      09:08pm | 16/08/12

      I challenge you to name one of their great services to mankind.  You probably can’t.  Then think of the potential harm his leaks will have on informers doing great work to protect our freedom.  Assange and his money hungry cohorts wouldn’t blink an eye if they, for example, had confidential police files on Bikie gangs. They’d sell them to the highest bidder and undo years of painstaking work.  There are just some things we don’t need to know.  I hope he rots in that Ecaudorian “prison”.

    • Obviously says:

      09:55am | 17/08/12

      @ Warrenz - um the internet to start with.
      Providing safe harbour for Albert Einstein number 2 (given he might have gone elsewhere is the US wasn’t available, but in the end he went there).
      Actually come to think of it a number of really good and helpful ideas and inventions have come out of the USA.  Given that they might not always have beneficial effects, they can at times both in the past and present and dare I say future have beneficial things come out of them.  Just because 1 man (and a hack as well as a criminal (yes a criminal because he steals and deals in stole information - ie how would you like it is all of your dirty laundry was put on display for the whole world to see?) sees it differently doesn’t mean nothing good has come out of the country.  There have been many terrible things come out of Australia (JA for 1) does this mean we are a terible nation which should have ALL it’s secrets made public?

    • j says:

      06:20pm | 16/08/12

      you all make me sick and sorry tht i live in the same world as you stupid drones!!!!

    • Simon says:

      06:58pm | 16/08/12

      I have thought of a solution for you…

    • Andrew says:

      10:41pm | 16/08/12

      You would think supporters of someone so big on freedom of speech and infomation would have a bit more sense of humor wouldnt you. Funny your sorry to live in a world with the above comments, but your happy to live in a world were someone who is accused of rape doesnt have to answer the charge, happy to live in a world were someone thinks it important that we know everything about everything but the same person can refuse to answer questions about his own life. Its good to see that it isnt only Assange that is a hyprocritical a%$#@#$% but most of his supporters as well

    • fml says:

      08:31am | 17/08/12

      Andrew,

      As long as you can garauntee he wont be extradited to the U.S. the swedes can have him.

    • Shane From Melbourne says:

      07:10pm | 16/08/12

      Austin Powers movie maybe, but probably not Bond unless it was something like the godawful Moonraker movie

    • Steve says:

      07:33pm | 16/08/12

      What charges is he fleeing? None… because he hasn’t been charged with anything! This is just another MainStreamMedia fantasy report with half truths & misinformation… the author either has no clue… or no cojones.

    • Tony says:

      07:48pm | 16/08/12

      What I always liked about James Bond was that he stood up to evil governments and maniacal individuals bent on world domination. He had the courage to step outside the restrictions of his own rule-bound government and fight for wider principles of decency. This sounds like Julian Assange and so I don’t know why he would be framed as the villain. If any of us really tried to challenge the vested interests of the US government we would need the courage of Mr Bond or at least half the courage of Mr Assange.

    • Dead Iraqi says:

      09:46pm | 16/08/12

      Even if he got asylum and somehow got to Ecuador he won’t escape. In fact, it would be easy for the CIA to send someone to kill him. That’s the cost of pissing off the unquestionable USA. He would just ‘disappear’ and nobody would know why and that’s that, no explantion needed. Oh, but they wouldn’t do a thing like that…...

    • Stephen says:

      08:40am | 17/08/12

      I’m surprised they didn’t just poisen him or blow up his car like the Brits did to Princess Di. (yes the Brits did need her gone)

      He’s a dumb ass either way you don’t piss off the biggest dog in the yard and not expect to get bitten hard.  He should of moved to Russia permanently instead of flying around Europe getting his end away.

    • Ros says:

      10:47pm | 16/08/12

      Not quite sure what the message here is. You seem to have some idea that legal actions taken out against an alleged common criminal, for whom the agreement amongst the Latin states is there is no right to diplomatic asylum, should be enforced, or do you.
      Assange and his grubby mate, the corrupt supressor of freedom of the press, the burgeoning tyrant Correa, may between them, and because they view the US as the devil incarnate (can they to smell sulpur) bring to an end the basically global principles for a state’s mission to provide diplomatic asylum to POLITICAL VICTIMS.

      Assange certainly worthy of his place in history, that one narvissistic sleaze should cause so many of the chattering classes to come to the aid of an unbalanced serial abuser of women. But then there was Polanski, what could be his role in this saga.

      But 2 narcissists are certainly getting their 15 moments of fame.

      It would be nice if just a few more of our journalists would educate themselves rather than always coming out on the side of such unappealing characters. Heard ABC asking British ambassador if Britain was worried about doing harm to embassies around the world. Not a sign that the ABC was aware of the possibilities of the immense harm that could be done by the UK giving into the ambitions of a grub and a less than respectable state to use international law to protect a Common Criminal from facing the law

    • GYTIC says:

      03:35pm | 17/08/12

      Your bias is unbelievable.

      I’m not going to take the time to deconstruct your argument because it’s entirely full of emotional fallacies but I will say that the attention of the world’s media has granted Assange a victory for his own goals, being that many people now know of and have searched for wikileaks.

      Intelligent enough people would sift through the information he’s released and find out revelations and insights into the way the world actually works. I suggest you do the same and prepare to have your closed-minded perspective changed.

    • Ros says:

      10:56pm | 16/08/12

      The underlying theme of the movie could be a demonstration of the power of the celebrity in our times. That the rule of law applies to us plebs but not celebrities.

      Initially it was only other celebrities shouting that Assange was special and above the law. Who are these idiots now outside the embassy demonstrating for Assange and a nothing little emerging tyrant (problem with that, adk the newspaer editors he is trying to put in goal for talking about corruption).

    • Lil says:

      10:55pm | 16/08/12

      Who will play the conspiratorial, sycophantic, leftist, hipster fanboys who get arrested in dramatic fashion outside the Ecuadorean embassy in their hero’s honour? You know, the ones who believe in freedom and democracy and justice for all - except if you’re a woman of course.

    • Tony says:

      12:05am | 17/08/12

      In “Tomorrow Never Dies” the villain is Elliot Carver, a media mogul often analysed as a satire on Rupert Murdoch. The Punch is an Australian opinion and news website owned and run by News Limited, the Australian holding of Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation. Is Mr Assange the villain or the victim?

    • Lee says:

      06:32am | 17/08/12

      The title could be Narcissistic Tossers INC

    • count says:

      07:56am | 17/08/12

      We need an actor willing to play a rapist that will do anything to avoid facing justice.

    • JTZ says:

      08:34am | 17/08/12

      Assange, Assange, Assange. Funny how so many people stick up for this guy while all along forgetting Assange would be nothing with Bradley Manning who at the moment is in a US military prison.

      Wikileaks has spent billions on stopping Assange from being sent to Sweden yet has not given one sent to Mannings legal team, even after Assange promised to pay it.

      Glad to see these people have the right perspective. With out Manning there is no Wikileaks.

    • Dave says:

      08:43am | 17/08/12

      I would suggest that he could play one of the knights in Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail. After all didn’t they run away from danger like Assange has been doing for the past 24 months.

    • Andrew says:

      09:00am | 17/08/12

      I’m hoping the British storm the embassy take him off to Sweden where he spends the next ten years in prison. Then when he thinks it is finally all over the US takes him and puts him in their prisons for the rest of his life. He wakes up every morning to a big man named bubba and has to service his every need!

      Now if that movie came out I would watch it!

      Go Britain, Assange can burn in hell!

    • J says:

      09:15am | 17/08/12

      I think Neil Patrick Harris should play him.  I’m pretty sure he’s his secret love-child anyway.

    • Matt says:

      10:10am | 17/08/12

      Personally I don’t even think the US government gives that much of a crap on this guy.  I think it’s been a ploy on JA’s and his team of hacks to drum up attention and controversy to take away from the real story and charges that face him in Sweden for sexual assult which he obviously knows are true otherwise he wouldn’t have spent this much time, money and effort in trying to dodge the bullet.  I say replace all the outside areas with a fake ground so that when he heads outside into the court yard that would be there he can just be lift off the ground via helicopter and taken away - now there’s a perfect movie story plot line!

    • Lee says:

      10:25am | 17/08/12

      He knew what he was doing and what the consequences would be. He chose to release confidential Governement information because he is so narcissistic he believes he knows best and noone can tell him no and cannot understand why people are out to get him. Sam,e goes for the rape case he broke the law and should go back to Sweden to face the courts and they can decide his guilt. Maybe he is Gen Y lol.  If he after going to Sweden he is extradited to face the US then people should jump up if they feel they must.

    • Peter says:

      12:20pm | 17/08/12

      I agree Lee. It’s funny how he insists that everyone be accountable for their past actions except himself.

    • GYTIC says:

      10:45am | 17/08/12

      I actually think I should put some serious thought into this debacle and the impact it’s going to have on a lot of things we take for granted.

      At a surface level, the curious question to ask is that will it end with a bang or will the powers that be try and sweep it under the table. There are immeasurably complex layers to delve into beyond this.

      My uneducated and uninformed opinion is thus;

      We need to understand what assange has done to attract such media attention and the attention of multiple international law enforcement agencies. We need to understand and question the kind of suffering and punishment that people who get caught leaking information to his platform will receive and if they were manipulated or they released the information out of an honest dislike of the current status quo.

      Furthermore, we need to understand who Julian Assange is and why his stance is anti-american. We also need a valid understanding of the American culture and what kind of impacts some of the leaks that have been posted have on their military efforts and national security.

      Think critically about every piece of information you’re given, be it from the punch, wikipedia or people you know every day. Do your own research and compare it with your values before you engage in a debate that you intend to take seriously because it will more often than not descend into name calling and bravado (as demonstrated in parliament this week).

    • Noely says:

      01:39pm | 17/08/12

      I agree.  Personally the guy seems an egomaniac to me, BUT, having said that, we don’t have human rights just for ‘likeable’ people.  The facts that we do know are, he is being accused of rape, but, no yet charged and the Swedish are going to bizairre lengths to get him to Sweden, when in fact as per Interpol protocol, they could have have just interviewed him in a british police station?  The other bizaire thing is how the Swedes have been asked numerous times to guarantee they will not extradite him to a 3rd country if he does got to Sweden to face questioning and they will not do that?  Why?  If there is no deal in place in the US, how hard can it be to guarantee that?  Sorry, but something here is really really suss, a few Swedish papers are actually questioning this themselves, talking about the unprecedented steps the authorities are taking with Assange?  The guy may not be likeable and what he has done may not be as wonderful as he himself believes, BUT at the end of the day, he deserves the same human rights as the rest of us, and I am pretty ashamed of our Government that he had to go to another Countries embassy for refuge :(

    • Robinoz says:

      12:11pm | 17/08/12

      Assange pissed off a heap of people and now he’s trying to avoid the consequences. It may well be that he committed espionage offences against the USA and in so doing apparently endangered numerous covert ops employees of US military and intelligence agencies. There are allegations against him relating to sex offences in Sweden that he needs to address. If he has the courage to proliferate government and private classified media in the reckless fashion he did, he should have the courage to man up and face the music.

    • ron says:

      01:40pm | 17/08/12

      the thing most people dont realise is that the americans are lying bastards,colon powell and the worst ever ariel photo of weapons of mass destruction ,and tony blair lying in his teeth giving support,and what about the helicopter gunning down innocent people in iraq,should that not be shown to the world

    • Kat says:

      09:15am | 18/08/12

      I have an idea for the movie’s title :

      ‘Julian Assange and the Liberal Left: Bros Before Hos’

 

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