For anyone who missed the Governor General’s speech opening Parliament yesterday we might be able to source you a copy, but the North Koreans are rumoured to have snapped them all up and are attempting to weaponise the material.
The Punch counted at least five people asleep in the public galleries of the Senate during Quentin Bryce’s speech, and that’s not counting some esteemed members of the press gallery.
The Governor General’s speech is written by the Prime Minister and intends to outline the Government’s new term agenda. Besides being very dull, the speech was also an extremely rosy view of how the Gillard Government will negotiate its policy through the new paradigm Parliament. Here’s a more realistic account version of the Governor General’s speech:
Broadband:
The Government intends to roll out a national broadband network. This will be popular as the interwebs will be more available to everyone, as will the hot males, or such is my understanding of the workings of the interweb. This will cost the tax payer an estimated $43 billion. We say estimated because we don’t have a business plan. Plus the Opposition will be blocking it with Malcolm Turnbull leading charge so expect a lot of censure motions. By more realistic calculations this thing will be finished in 2024 when broadband will be made redundant by internet linked via eyebrow wiggles.
Foreign Affairs:
Look, at this point the Government’s Foreign Affairs policy is pretty much to send Kevin Rudd over to East Timor to ask one of the poorest countries in the world to take our boat people. This is also pretty awkward because Kevin said he wasn’t very keen on this the night Julia stabbed him the back. Julia has a whole series of cool trips planned, it’s just that Tony has now said that he won’t let her go anywhere otherwise she could lose Government.
Climate change:
Yea well, during the election Julia said they’d be a people’s assembly to decide on climate change. Then we all accepted that was a pretty dumb idea. Now we’re going to have a climate committee, which Julia’s going to head up and Bob Brown is also going to sit in on it. Continuing his tradition of making Julia’s life hell, Tony has decided that he won’t turn up. Tony is secretly hoping that Bob will ban electricity after 9 pm and require everyone to wear hats fitted with electricity generating windmills. This could get wacky for all of us, especially the Government trying to hold it together.
Regional Australia:
The Government is just going to dump money on these guys in the hope that voters in the rural independents electorates remain happy enough their members backed a Labor government - because they certainly didn’t vote for one. Simon Crean has accused Tony Abbott of being a wrecker, by not allowing him to be absent so he could give an address to the National Press Club on his plans for rural Austrakua. So Abbott’s wrecking tactics can’t be all that bad I suppose.
Mining tax:
The Government intends to introduce a Minerals Resource Rent Tax, otherwise known as the mining tax, or “great big new mining tax” depending on who you ask. We’d like to go into more detail but really I may as well say the Government has a policy for some kinda tax thingy on the mines at some stage. The Government already changed their minds once on this thing and now the new parliament wants more changes. This means it will be more or less the same, but instead of taxing mining profits it may only apply to bananas from Costa Rica.
In conclusion, the only sure thing about the Government’s new parliament agenda is that we dont’ know what will happen, and if you thinks all of this sounds crazy and unstable wait until those new Greens Senators and the guy from the DLP turn up.
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In my sports column on The Punch tomorrow: why Eurovision was easily the best game on the weekend. Mummy bloggers, you'll like this one!
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