Britain’s Royal Family is now officially a very old, very profitable freak show.

The proof lies in the sheer scale of outrageous memorabilia being flogged by even the most respectable of merchants and the simply silly stories making news in the lead-up to the royal nuptials.
They’re certainly a cute couple, and through a long tawdry process of elimination William and Kate actually seem fairly functional for royal folk. But is anyone taking this circus seriously – other than an opportunity to seriously cash in?
In the UK you can now buy a 1.75m life-size likeness of Kate and Wills on a fridge emblazoned with the couple’s official engagement photo. As General Electric’s distributor in the UK says: “Commemorative tea towels are so 1981.”
London’s National Gallery, which since the early 1800s has housed one of the world’s greatest collections of Western European paintings, is selling a Knit your own royal wedding book, complete with little knitted dolls of Kate and Wills, Charles and Camilla and even the corgis. (Actually, I think I might order one of those.)
You can buy Wills and Kate Pez dispensers, Wills and Kate nail transfers (imagine their beaming mini faces on all 10 fingers!) Kiss me Kate beer, mobile phones, mobile phone apps, USB sticks, even a new Little Miss Princess from Mr Men books.
There are the failsafe shortbread biscuit tins, the tea towels, the mugs and the plates. And for safe sex, there are commemorative condoms. “Combining the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be, Crown Jewels condoms promise a royal union of pleasure. Truly a King amongst Condoms.”
Now that’s a sales pitch – and quite apt given the company run by Kate’s own parents has been selling hen’s night accessories including pillows which read “one last fling before the ring”. (And how very odd that Michael and Carole Middleton only met the Queen for the first time last week?)
In a former life I spent six weeks at a seedy freelance news agency in London, knocking on the door of B-list celebrities to ask if they still loved their unfaithful wives and chasing pathetic animal yarns like ‘Terry the turtle lost down the loo’. Our B-list ideas would then be sold to the major newspapers.
So it’s with some sympathy that I’ve read the wacky news stories most likely generated by underpaid, eager reporters ordered to find something (anything) to feed the hunger for royal news ahead of April 29.
There was that one about the young Somerset accountant who discovered an image of Kate’s face on a yellow mango-flavoured jelly bean. “She was literally lying there staring back at me,” gasped sweet-tooth Wesley, who (surprise, surprise) is auctioning his now famous bean on eBay.
Could the wedding be out of this world? Totally plausible, according to Major George Filer who runs the National UFO Centre in the US and told The Sun that alien craft are often spotted during big national events.
And of course there’s the roll call of Kate’s rellies dragged out from obscurity, from her burlesque dancing cousin Katrina who performs God Save the Queen in nipple tassels and g-string, to her tattoo-toting uncle Gary who once offered cocaine and high-class prostitutes to undercover reporters.
Peek back into history and this royal show has always been rather freakish. Thankfully, their highnesses now yield little power in the political sense, have lots to give in a charitable sense and regularly keep us amused with their lack of common sense.
Friday’s wedding will be exactly what it should be to a country that should be a republic: light entertainment.
And if life is too short for another second of this right royal circus, can I suggest the “Thanks for the free day off: 4-day bender” plate, the “I’m not a royal wedding mug” mug or my personal favourite – the commemorative “Throne Up” sick bag.
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