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The real life rules for buying a swimsuit

Eleanor Miller

by Eleanor Miller

05 Oct 04:45am

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Filed under: Bathers, Fashion, Style, Swimwear

45 comments

I have a sorry number of gorgeous, accomplished thirty-something girlfriends who no longer “do” swimming in public.

Jen Hawkins doesn't need to worry, she has her own range. Pic: Jeff Rayner

The backyard pool of a very close friend (preferably one who’s no oil painting) is a maybe, but only on a very hot day, with lots of encouragement and a glass of champagne.

It’s sad.  Swimming is one of life’s great pleasures. But somewhere between the ages of 0 and 40 we have this tendency to morph from beach-loving babes to ladies (mothers in many cases) who feel totally inadequate about our imperfect bodies. As for swimsuit shopping, mention it at your peril.

I quizzed a few girlfriends on how they felt about buying bathers recently and got these responses among others:

“Simple, hate it. I put if off for as long as possible, then when I have to go, I go with no budget and would quite happily pay more than I would for other garments, if the bathers pushed me up and held me in, in the right places.” – Rachel

“I hate bathers shopping! Fortunately I don’t go swimming as often as I used to - so they last longer.” – Jemille

“I have had my bathers longer than I have had my husband (that’s over 5 years). I just can’t quite bring myself to go bathers shopping even though I know I need to. I want to buy a two- piece, but a tankini not a bikini.  With boyleg bottoms.  Sigh.  It’s very difficult. Maybe there is a niche market out there for bathers for ‘modest’ ladies.  But not with those little frilly skirt things.” – Claire

“If you think buying a pair of bathers is confronting, try buying a wetsuit in a surfshop staffed by cool young dudes!” – Mary

Of course it doesn’t help that many retailers provide ‘’inspirational’’ catalogues and posters of perfect young models in their swimsuits around their counters and changerooms.

It also doesn’t help that the glossy magazines provide the same blindingly obvious pieces of advice for finding your perfect pair of bathers year in, year out, alongside more pictures of similarly dazzling bikini girls. These include:

  • Ensure you shave/wax your legs and bikini line before heading to the stores (well, der);
  • Apply a fake tan the night before you go shopping (sure, if you’re a fake tan person ... not everyone looks good in orange);
  • Look for two-piece halterneck styles if you’re big chested (OK, this will address the boobs issue, but not the corresponding wobbly tum);
  • Look for one-pieces if you’re self-conscious about your mid-section (can’t fault this one, even if it’s a bit obvious); and
  • Create curves by looking for styles with details such as frills and raunching (OK again ... but are ruffles really such a great option for anyone over 25?).

None of this really cuts the mustard when you’re confronted with yourself still pasty from winter, with more than enough curves and a few stray hairs in a bright changeroom mirror.

I’d therefore like to offer some alternative tips for over 30s for trying on or wearing bathers:

  • Remember that all grown women have cellulite, regardless of size (I’m reliably told this by someone who’s done a lot of life drawing);
  • Teen and 20-something boys are no longer going to wolf whistle you on the beach. Hell, men your own age probably won’t look at you twice – but neither will they run screaming from the foreshore.
  • Your wobbly tummy and imperfect thighs are a delight to your friends. (OK, I shouldn’t say this but it’s good to know that your friends are less than perfect and it’s not just you. Nothing makes a girl happier than seeing that her pal’s stacked on a couple of kilos);
  • Don’t go bathers shopping on your birthday – this is one from experience;
  • Don’t write off two-pieces just because you’re over 30.. or 40…or 70 for that matter ... They feel so much better to swim in than one-pieces. Just invest in a cover-up for when you get out of the water;
  • Buy your bathers, go home and have a stiff drink (thanks for that one, mum).

**

Looking for something on-trend? Westfield stylist Kylie Crabtree says: “Colour is a dominant trend with jewel tones still strong for spring/summer bathers. Frills are carrying over from clothing to swimsuits; perfect for small busted women. Complete your swimwear look for the season teaming bathers with complimentary cover-up options. There are some fabulous kaftans and beach dresses available that will ensure you are looking as hot as possible.”

Most commented

45 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • thatmosis says:

      05:47am | 05/10/10

      It sounds to me as though the problem is not the swim suit but the fact that most of the “ladies” have let themselves go a bit. I know your answer already,“he’s a man what would he know” but my lady has had 2 children, some years ago and still looks great in a bikini because she keeps herself fit, lays off the treats and has a measure of self pride that seems to be missing in todays women and for that matter men. Stop blaming the swimsuit and get yourselves into shape.

      Reply

    • Paul says:

      07:13am | 05/10/10

      ah, the first angry, self-righteous post of the day - and at an agreeably self-righteously early time, probably in between spotting your “lady’s” ab crunches and bench pressing toddlers on a broom handle - bravo.  As for swimming, meh.

    • Emma says:

      09:31am | 05/10/10

      As an over 30 with two kids and a killer body. You meanie. You say your wife is hot but what about you. I can really see how you are helping others with a mental not physical problem. Providing that someone is reasonably healthy, who cares how they look.

      To all of those chicks who arn’t so lucky. Honestly the rest of us are thinking… We don’t care what you look like on the beach because hot or not we are all worried about ourselves, men included. 
      I would like to add, two peice all the way… nothing worse than needing a pee with a one peice on. Ick.

    • HB says:

      10:08am | 05/10/10

      You assume that this article relates to the fact that theses women have ‘let themselves go’ and that is why they dread shopping for bathers.  Wobbly bits and cellulite can occur whether you are ‘fit’ or not.  Having children effects each body differently and some bounce back to almost exaclty what they were before and some do not. Regardless shopping for bathers is confronting as it the one time you are seen in public in basically your underwear and for most this is shown only to your nearest and dearest who love you regardless.

    • two cents worth says:

      10:36am | 05/10/10

      I haven’t “let myself go”.  I do exactly as I did 25 years ago - well maybe a bit more gym and a bit less dancing.  It just has a different result now i.e. none or cellulite, fat and overall lack of muscle tone.  However when I find the time to do 3 times more exercise, eat 1/2 the amount of food I did and cut out the treats I enjoy in life then I am sure I will look fab in a bikini. Bit of plastic surgery to cut off some wobbly bits from having children later in life wouldn’t go astray either.  @ Paul.  LOL.

    • Full time working mum says:

      11:32am | 05/10/10

      Well sunshine, maybe your lady is as skinny as a rake, put hardly any weight on with her 2 kids & eats lettuce leaves & doesn’t work full time. Also she might have the genetics & metabolism that allows her to be in great shape. Get off your pedal before someone knocks you off it.

    • Maxie says:

      12:21am | 06/10/10

      sorry full-time working mum, being a full-time working mum shouldn’t prevent you from exercising and eating well. every single human being needs exercise, proper, heart-thumping exercise, several times a week, and good nutrition to maintain a healthy body. and by ‘healthy body’ i don’t mean killer abs and a pert bum, i’m talking about healthy heart and lungs, you know? the important bits.
      Got kids? exercise with them after work instead of sitting on the sofa every night watching Two And A Half Men. If you can’t leave them alone, buy an aerobic workout DVD. Stop feeding yourself garbabge and stop making excuses.
      And it’s “pedestal” not “pedal”.

    • T.Chong says:

      07:18am | 05/10/10

      Oh Elanor what a quaint bunch of gal pals you have. Curiosly enough , in all the direct “quotes"you site, every one of the gals calls the cozzies “bathers”-
      all went to the same boarding school together ? or was this a reunion of June Dally Watkins grads ?
      Very few of us are oil painting worthy, so ,Try getting over yourselves a bit, and enjoy life, including swimming.

      Reply

    • Josie says:

      08:19am | 05/10/10

      T Chong…“In all the direct quotes you site (or cite), every one of the gals calls the cossies bathers”......

      That gave me a smile, no-one I know has called bathers cossies for years.  Everytime I hear that word it makes me think of the ‘AuStralian’ language used in the movie Strictly Ballroom . 

      I guess we can all enjoy our individual choices whether it be what we wear if we choose to swim, but I certainly prefer to wear ‘bathers’....even without the boarding school education mentioned above.

      I too am not oil painting worthy, but agree that we should just enjoy life!

    • Brian says:

      09:19am | 05/10/10

      Hmm… don’t think I’ve ever heard the word cozzy actually used in a conversation. It’s one of those words you know what they mean, but never hear used. Like personal responsibility, good government and existential quandary (Ok, they’re all phrases). I seriously cannot ever recall someone calling them anything other than bathers, boardies, bikini or swimmers, or a variation on those (including budgie smugglers…).

    • T.Chong says:

      10:20am | 05/10/10

      Maybe an example ofregional dialect in diferent parts of our great land.

    • Sida says:

      10:23am | 05/10/10

      I thought we called them “togs”!

    • majority says:

      10:53am | 05/10/10

      cozzies is a Sideny thing?

    • Jason says:

      04:57pm | 05/10/10

      Cozzies is a Sydney thing, Bathers Melbourne.  Such well traveled people here…no wonder the political arguments are so infantile.

    • Cate P says:

      11:18pm | 05/10/10

      Bathers = WA, cossies = NSW, swimmers = Qld, togs = Victoria.  I can guarantee it isn’t anything to do with the school you went to, only the state that school was in!  After my 5 kids I just regard my baby tum as a built-in flotation aid and swim on regardless in my trendy $15 Millers bathing suit.  And I do the best bombies, maximum splash factor.

    • Sara says:

      07:46am | 05/10/10

      Why do so many women refer to the friends as “gorgeous” or “beautiful” or “successful”.

      If they were any of those things they’d look like Jennifer Hawkins in a bikini and Warren Buffett would be calling them for investment and business advice.

      Putting lipstick on a big doesn’t make it a supermodel.

      Reply

    • Laura says:

      09:46am | 05/10/10

      because it is possible to be gorgeous/beautiful/succesful without being jennifer hawkins/a supermodel. and to us, our friends ARE beautiful and succesful.

      wonderful attitude you’ve got sara. glad you’re not my friend.

    • Sara says:

      10:27am | 05/10/10

      Laura it’s impossible to be gorgeous and beautiful and not look like a model. The vast majority of us are ordinary or less. The successful ones are those at the top of their professions and known within their industry.

      You sound like the type of empty person that seeks constant validation. Your type is very boring and inane. Glad you’re not my friend.

    • Toni says:

      11:41am | 05/10/10

      Sorry but I agree with Laura on this one. I have some wonderful gorgeous, beautiful and successful friends. Not to mention talented, crazy, exciting etc. Your definition of those 3 words obviously is very different to mine. I think all my friends are supermodels in their own way, besides I think Jennifer Hawkins needs a good feed, getting too skinny for her own good.

    • Budz says:

      12:46pm | 05/10/10

      Sara, all those adjectives you used such as gorgeous, beautiful and sucessful are complete subjective! My definition of gorgeous, beautiful and successful could be far different to you. My definition of sucessful could be someone running their own small business and earning $60,000 p.a. but has enough time to spend with their family, while you may think this is a failure.

    • Sara says:

      12:54pm | 05/10/10

      Definition from dictionary.com

      Gorgeous:
      “–adjective
      1. splendid or sumptuous in appearance, coloring, etc.; magnificent: a gorgeous gown; a gorgeous sunset.”

      “—Synonyms
      1.  rich, superb, grand; brilliant, resplendent, glittering, dazzling. “

      You must have very low standards if you think your friends fit this description. Either that or your friends are supermodels.

      Trying to overstate things just makes you seem desperate and sycophantic. Not attractive.

      Jennifer has a great body.

    • ?? says:

      01:39pm | 05/10/10

      by the way, sara.  are you all those things?? or are you another one of the ‘plebs’ commenting?. i was a personal assistant to a model who was only know by her first name and ruled the catwalk for 16 years..  not once in the 11 years i worked for her, did i ever hear her ever ‘bag out’ any other women, cilivan or not.

    • Laura says:

      01:52pm | 05/10/10

      I’m quite happy being able to form my own opinions on what constitutes beauty and success.

    • Rob says:

      07:48am | 05/10/10

      The obvious solution is to get down to your nearest clothing optional beach - no need to worry about how your swim-suit distorts you; save on the cost of buying swimwear; and sand won’t get trapped in all those awkward places!

      I know it takes a leap of faith for first-timers, but I have honestly never seen more relaxed people at the beach than I see at any of the great nudey beaches around the country!

      Reply

    • James says:

      08:48am | 05/10/10

      Go to a nudist beach, problem solved. smile

      Reply

    • mary says:

      09:08am | 05/10/10

      Such a true life piece. Just one problem… in an article designed to keep it real, please, please don’t make me look at Jen Hawkins. *self esteem slowing ebbing away*

      Reply

    • TheRealDave says:

      09:23am | 05/10/10

      I was curious as to why with this article about ‘real women’ complete with wobbly bits etc you go and use a pic of Jen Hawkins in it?

      Kinda self defeating isn’t it?

      You shiela’s are your own worst enemy wink

      Reply

    • Clare says:

      10:09am | 05/10/10

      This makes me so mad.  Men don’t give a toss what they look like in a pair of trunks so why should be care? Yet we are so self conscious and terrified of our own bodies that we refuse one of life’s pleasures. Just take a look at the change room at your local gym or the pool or beach at an overseas holiday resort - nobody is any different to you. We all have cellulite and we all have other wobbly bits. Support each other instead of bitching about each other. And as for the those ridiculous magazine articles about what type of bathers will make you look a million dollars - absolutely nothing will fix the problem if it is your legs and not your body. I am a slim size 10 who works out at the gym 3 times a week but have legs like tree trunks.  However, after years of eating disorders and pain, I don’t care any more and have just learned to live with them. They are genetic and there is nothing I can do about it!  So get out there and swim !

      Reply

    • Smidgeling says:

      09:10am | 06/10/10

      Yes they do. Unless they are deluded guys care everytime women fawn over a buff guy at the beach for this exact reason.

      Some of us go and do something about it so we can be that buff guy, some don’t.

    • Speedy says:

      10:20am | 05/10/10

      Oil paintings?  You mean healthy sized women who do not mind being naked? (The masters painted women who could be considered fat nowdays by magazines).

      So, if you are not “Oil painting” standard, does that mean you are too thin then?  Not wanting to be seen on the beach when so thin makes sense… all the life guards and public there would be trying to feed you so you put on a healthy weight…

      Also, why do you care what other people think of your clothes? Are you that insecure?

      Reply

    • MsRAMHY says:

      10:31am | 05/10/10

      Why are women so self concious when we are all in the same boat? Cus we are all bitches! We ourselves will sit down at the beach poking fun and the chick with the wobbly tummy splashing about in her ‘kini. Face it ladies - we really are our own worst enemy. That said - I hate shopping for togs - blurgh. Not because I’m unhappy with my body, but because I’m unhappy that I lack the motivation to do anything about it - it’s just another thing to feel guilty about. If anyone know’s of a swimming MooMoo can you please post the store details.

      Reply

    • two cents worth says:

      08:28pm | 05/10/10

      I take offense to that.  I don’t believe we are all bitches.  In fact I take my hat off to women that don’t give a toss and bare their wobbly bits and I know many other women that do too.

    • Me says:

      10:59am | 05/10/10

      The issue here is women putting other women under rediculous pressure.  it does not come from men.  Wouldn’t it great if a middle aged women could whip on a bikini and not have all the snide remarks made behind her back by her friends?

      Reply

    • bigbutbeaufitul says:

      12:02pm | 05/10/10

      I swear most normal sized woman are paranoid about their bodies. I am a size 24 and every year I buy bathers, but I do wear board shorts with them.
      There is no way in hell I will let my size stop me from enjoying a swim and getting in the water with my daughter.
      And to all the people who judge me by my size, I say suck it up. I am out there having fun and enjoying time with my family whilst you are sitting on the beach whingeing about your body and passing your self image problems onto your children.
      So who at the end of the day has it better?

      Reply

    • Gomez12 says:

      12:39pm | 05/10/10

      Always have to have a laugh when this topic comes up!

      Ladies, this really is your issue, created by you, maintained by you, and affecting only you.

      Maybe you could decide to give it a rest for a week or two and see how that works out?

      After all, this has absolutely nothing to do with men, there are a couple of places on earth where men can control what women wear, and despite the common perseption (That we’d have you all cavorting in your nothings) the blokes seem to have gone for the top to toe covering, including veil.

      Although I would have one request, If the bottoms of your bathers look like a g-string, and it’s not meant to, please, for the love of god, buy a larger one!

      Reply

    • Les Sutton says:

      01:08pm | 05/10/10

      As I get older (50 this Hallo’een) I find that my eye is drawn to woman who feel they don’t have to conform and are proud of what they have (however they got it, usually children). To me that screams perfect woman, one who has gone through all that she can as a woman and has come out the other side of it all with a “love me as I am, or p*** off” kind of calmness. I just have to look across the couch to my wife for confirmation of that.

      Reply

    • mary wide bay says:

      01:46pm | 05/10/10

      What is it that makes women think that they have to expose all their fleshy bits when they go swimming? As far as my family is concerned; anything goes.
      What with the ozone layer depletion and all that? I’m not exposing any of my fleshy bits to the raging sun or unkind friends or strangers any longer. Forget about poisonous slipslapslops, it’s cover-ups for me and my kids. Top to bottom, in the salty wet,  in whatever we fancy.
      Why pay top dollar for two square inches of material when any marked down top and pair of three quarter bottoms will have us looking smart and fashionable whilst protecting us from searing rays as well as piercing eyes. Works for us. I dare all girls to wear what they’re comfortable in when they go swimming instead of reluctantly submitting to whatever fashion dictates.

      Reply

    • Angela says:

      02:22pm | 05/10/10

      Or buy online.

      I’m a plus-size girl (in my twenties, but hey, I have the same body image issues as a lot of women considerably older than me) and last summer I bought myself a Sue Rice swimsuit online(http://www.suerice.com.au/). It’s wonderful, and I swam more last summer than I have in a lot of years. The secret, I think, is just finding that one that;s right for your body shape. And it’s far less demoralising to do that from your computer than it is to go trawling for hours through store after store, and not find anything you like or that fits you. Online is the way to go, IMO.

      Reply

    • eva says:

      03:27pm | 05/10/10

      Coincidentally I bought bathers yesterday for the first time in many years. It is something I loathe doing as it is hard to find colours that suit my white skin and fair colouring. But I tried on a variety of colours and styles and found a turquoise one piece that looked very good on me.


      One piece of advice I would like to give is that if you have a small bust then celebrate it and stay away from the fancy bust details that might make the bust look bigger but made me look silly instead.

      Reply

    • Emma says:

      11:30pm | 05/10/10

      I am very pale and turquoise is my colour of choice for my swim wear… surprisingly white also looks good… even though my legs are as white as the bikini lol

    • Beach Lover says:

      04:28pm | 05/10/10

      My advice is this: do the best you can with eating well, exercising regularly, and try to be a positive person who does what she enjoys.
      If you like swimming or the beach, be sure to buy the best swimsuit your money can buy. Buy a new one every season. You will need heaps of time and a helpful sales assistant. And you will need to focus on which suit makes you look as good as you can look. Remember: You won’t be there to bemoan your wobbly bits or to lament that you don’t have a bikini body. You will be there to hunt down and buy the swimsuit that makes you look and feel the best.

      Reply

    • Girl says:

      07:24pm | 05/10/10

      I am a healthy weight (BMI 21) and yet feel extremely self conscious at the beach. I think it is because models (who usually have a BMI of 18) are so unrealistic a representation of women (they have the genetics, metabolism and therefore figures of only 1-2% of the population) that most normal sized women (lets say 80%) feel completely ashamed of our bodies because we are deemed “fat”. It is sad. I wish I could get over it but I just can’t. Its like going out in public naked and having everyone judge you. Why do you we have to wear bikinis anyway?

      Reply

    • Patricia Kemp says:

      08:08pm | 05/10/10

      I would like to see swim wear for older ladies who swim all the time as I do.
      I would gladly buy a swim suit from a web site if they were chlorine resistant, cover me properly and looks neat.  I am a larger lady but that doesn’t matter its just finding a swim suit I like the looks of and there are plenty of other women like me who are looking for this type of suit.

      Reply

    • Emma says:

      11:27pm | 05/10/10

      Do what I do and find and empty beach (yes they exist) or take the dog to a dog beach (I dont even have a dog and I go to them!). No posers, usually no waves (most dog beaches are pretty flat) and best of all, no crowds. I have no issues whipping of my sarong and frolicking about the beach when the only people for company are pensioners, families and a couple of pooches. (and for those who may be afraid, I have never once come across a doggie doodoo)

      Reply

    • lilu says:

      02:21am | 06/10/10

      Togs!

      Reply
 
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