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The Punch @ the SCG, Day 2: Among the Barmy Army

Anthony Sharwood

by Anthony Sharwood

04 Jan 06:36pm

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Filed under: Barmy Army, Cricket, England, Sport, The Ashes

40 comments

Leaving aside the air-conditioned comfort and excellent lamingtons of the media centre, your intrepid Punch correspondent journeys to the other side of the SCG to mingle with the Barmy Army.

The batsman is blurred because the real stars are these guys in the crowd. Pic: Gregg Porteous

So here we are, at ground level on the far side of the ground, on what used to be the hill but is now a mass of concrete called the Victor Trumper Stand. How very quaint.

It’s little England down here. Barmy Army HQ. Wet your whistles everybody. It’s singin’ time. Let’s begin with a Barmy Army standard, to the tune of Yellow Submarine.

“You all live in a convict colony, a convict colony, a convict colony.”

Yeah, guess we do. But at least there are decent beaches.

No. Best not to get into a slanging match with the Army. As Punch editor-in-chief David Penberthy pointed out recently in this piece, they are too organised and too clever. Comebacks we have none to their witticisms.

The question is why? Why are the English so bloody good at cheering en masse compared to us?

To answer this question, I approach two men in red Queen’s Guards jackets. They are Laurence Blainey, 50, a broker from Leigh-on-Sea, 90 minutes from London. His mate “Sesh”, 49, is a Pom now based in Australia.

The duo are “fringe members” of the Barmy Army and are cricket nuts. In fact, it’s reasonably safe to say they’re just nuts, with their straggly Monty Python hair, authentic pre-loved red coats, plastic bobby’s helmets and thongs.

We’re about to discuss, life, the universe and England’s chanting superiority when evidence of same is provided by the Army chanting “Are You Johnson in Disguise?” to a disgruntled Ben Hilfenhaus fielding on the fence.

The Barmy Army loves taunting Johnson, directly or indirectly. And when the big paceman bowls some of his customary legside longhops early (before recovering brilliantly with two wickets) they sing:

“He dives to the left, he dives to the right… Mitchell Johnson’s bowling is shite”.

But back to Sesh and Laurie. I want them to tell me why we Australians are so hopelessly inferior in both cricket and cheering. Especially cheering.

My theory (about the cheering), which I put to them, is that as a nation of staunch individualists carving our niches in wide open spaces, we don’t have, or need, the mob mentality of English football or cricket crowds.

There’s also the fact that our preferred football codes (AFL and rugby league) have action that flows fast and furiously. There’s literally not enough time to sit back and cheer in an organised way, as there is in soccer and cricket.

Laurie listens, but he reckons I’m overthinking it.

“I think it’s as basic as the fact that wherever we play in the world, there are always English fans,” he says

“I think there’s a lot of envy for the Barmy Army in Australia. I think you guys would like to have something like this to latch onto.”

He’s right. And the Army chants “four more, to the Eng-er-land” to the tune of “Go West”, as though to ram home the point.

We’d love nothing better than some decent chants. The odd boundary to chant about would be nice too.

LATE BREAKING NEWS: Michael Beer was robbed. Yes, his “wicket” came from a no-ball. But if you’re going to go to the third ump on a possible no-ball call when there’s a wicket, you should check for no-balls every single ball. Apples and apples, and all that.

Speaking of apples, that Apple Islander Ben Hilfenhaus is a genius. I predict he rips England apart tomorrow.

Most commented

40 comments

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    • Adrian says:

      05:47pm | 04/01/11

      That’s the best punch article I’ve read I think. Actual journalism!

      I have always suggested that the barmy army are so good at cheering because they have been thumped for so long that they have to do something to entertain themselves. Just a theory. Though I think the football theory is better.

      As for Beer, I don’t understand the anger directed at the umpries by the commentators and to a lesser extent, Mr Sharwood. There is absolutely no excuse for a spinner to be overstepping and it was Michael Beer that in fact robbed Australia of a wicket. Afterwards, Cook played in a much more cautious manner and has me quite worried at the moment.
      If Bowden incorrectly calls a no-ball then it affects the batsman’s shot, so if he is in some doubt (and it was a close one) then by all means he should let the play unfold and check later if required. If the catch was dropped I doubt he would have asked if Beer had overstepped.

      Reply

    • Gerard says:

      06:32pm | 04/01/11

      Can someone tell me (Anthony if possible) if that “He dives to the left, he dives to the right” chant is to the tune of “The Prisoner” by The Clash? It pretty much matches syllable for syllable.

      As for the no ball, overstepping the crease alters the ball’s trajectory and/or where it pitches. This is what a batsman relies on when tracking the ball through the air and so determines his shot. Had Beer delivered the ball from behind the crease, Cook’s shot could well have been different. A rare good call from Billy Bowden in this case.

      Reply
    • Anthony Sharwood

      Anthony Sharwood says:

      06:46pm | 04/01/11

      Not sure, sorry Gerard. More of a Stranglers man than a Clash man myself.

      Reply

    • too true says:

      07:03pm | 04/01/11

      “(AFL) have action that flows fast and furiously”. You must be having a laugh,this nothing game out of Melbourne stops every 25 seconds.

      Reply

    • Davo from St Kilda says:

      06:55am | 05/01/11

      You must be thinking of rugby pal. Throw the ball backwards, run forwards, stop. Repeat ad nauseum…The action in AFL never stops for each entire 30 minute quarter. The pace is frantic, unlike that great cure for insomnia (aka rugby). That’s why more than 7 million people all over the country go to an AFL game every year, compared to less than 3 million for rugby. People vote with their feet, mate. Get on board or stay at home.

    • Daryl says:

      07:40am | 05/01/11

      Is that why the AFL are able to get crowd attendences three times the size of the NRL too true? I think you must have it confused with Rugby Union.

      AFL is the most attacking and flowing code in the country. The AFL are swimming in money because the turnstiles are clicking and its popularity drives the largest TV rights. It is truely national whereas the NRL is a poor pretender. Adelaide Rams anyone?? Even State of Origin was stolen from Australian Football.

      If it wasn’t for News Limited, it’s relentless press coverage and money, Rugby League wouldn’t exist! 5 hit ups by the forwards followed by a kick is BORING and predictable. The commentators endlessly call it tough but where’s the toughness in flying in with the forearm whilst two of your team mates hold a bloke down. Knees to the head and cheap highshots on a bloke already tackled is not tough, it’s just unattractive thuggery! And what mother wants her sons to be bashed by Pacific Islander kids three times their size every weekend? It’s the dying code.

      The “nothing game” is here to stay, it has more history, more support, more money generated directly from the game, more bums on seats, better facilities, better youth training programs, and it’s half the price for kids to play due to the AFL subsidies. The NRL needs News Ltds cash and Leagues club pokies to survive! When the Kiwis are the strongest league players around, you know the game’s in trouble locally.

      With the AFL expanding further into Qld and NSW, and strong local historical competitions in Canberra, NT and Tasmania, the NRL have a huge battle on their hands to survive. Perhaps an expansion back into Newtown is in order.

    • Cheese Roller says:

      08:12am | 05/01/11

      I am always impressed by Melbournians loyalty and passion for their minnow of a game.  To maintain enthusiasm year after year for a sport where the biggest game is a suburb of Melbourne playing a suburb of Melbourne shows something but it may be that Melbourne has little going for it during winter.  The game has never spread and never will, but is a charming tourist option when visiting Melbourne but just one quarter as the crowds are quiet and the game dull.

    • Greg says:

      09:40am | 05/01/11

      Cheese Roller, ha ha the NRL would love to be as big a minnow as the AFL. As would Soccer Australia, the ARU and Cricket Australia. Btw, there is plenty of enthusiasm, loyalty and passion being maintained outside of Melbourne. Gelic football and hurling haven’t spread either but I don’t think the Irish care and both are great games!

      Gee can’t wait for the next Kangaroos vs PNG game.

    • Richard M says:

      09:44am | 05/01/11

      It is a constant claim by rugby-ites (either version) that AFL is purely a Melbourne game, played between Melbourne suburbs.  A few facts: AFL is the dominant sport (by a long way) in 4 of the 6 States.  Both rugby codes are played at any serious level in just 2, and even there they are getting worried about the “threat” from AFL.  As far as the teams are concerned, unlike either rugby code, there are teams based in every State except Tas.  On any measure you like to nominate, AFL is by a long way the most popular sport in this country.

    • Davo from St Kilda says:

      10:23am | 05/01/11

      @Cheeseroller. ‘Minnow of a game’? The nation’s largest and most popular sport is hardly a minnow. You must be thinking about rugby, a game with zero support outside two states. To say that football is one Melbourne suburb playing another shows just how ignorant you are. Seven non-Victorian teams this year in the league and 8 next year (we’re coming for you, west sydney) proves that the game actually has spread nation-wide, unlike rugby which has only one side beyond its traditional supporter base. ‘The crowds are quiet’? Really!? Ever been to a game with 90,000 other fans, cheesehead? Never in rugby where you often have crowds less than 10,000. The only area rugby beats football is fan comfort - every patron gets a whole section of grandstand to himself…

    • Cheese Roller says:

      01:36pm | 05/01/11

      AFL may have a presence in other states but it is a hollow shop front in order to claim other areas are interested and the hope of it spreading.  The expansion does not appear to be working, as thise teams are financed from Melbourne (much to the horror of Melbourne AFL fans). Non Melbourne teams cannot stand on their own and require access to the revenue generated in Melbourne from Melbourne TV and Melbourne based sponsorships, Victorian government departments sponsor teams for goodness sake.  The large attendances for ‘occasional’ matches (the ones I attended were very quiet) is a credit to AFL marketing and the locals compliance for glossy and persistent marketing.  If national presence is the metric for then forget AFL, Lawn Bowls and netball are the go.  Like I say, I admire the passion for such a quaint game,  but its like Cheese Rolling without the international interest.

    • Notovfl says:

      07:49pm | 05/01/11

      Cheese Roller says:  you tell the truth mate, no one north of the Murray cares about the game from Melbourne,and that’s forever.

    • NicoleG says:

      07:19pm | 04/01/11

      It was absolutely nauseating for me today and it had nothing to do with play, being bowled out or even Puss, I mean Clarke. It was all to do with the camera constantly being focused on ‘The Hoff’. I saw him on the news last night and found myself suddenly left with no appetite. Today, I was left frantically looking for the bucket.

      Reply

    • Aitch B says:

      08:36pm | 04/01/11

      @NicoleG

      I’m with you, Nicole. Obviously channel 9 thought that fawning over a D grade celebrity was of more value to them than commentating on a B grade cricket match (as it currently stands IMO).

    • AnthonyG says:

      06:33am | 05/01/11

      The Hoffs a Legend

    • NicoleG says:

      07:25pm | 05/01/11

      Well you two have something in common then dont cha Anthony. Legend in your own minds. Now go and cook your own dinner!

    • Michelle says:

      08:01pm | 04/01/11

      Singing good. Trumpet bad. Drums bad. Vuvuzela very bad.

      Reply

    • Drew(Darlinghurst) says:

      05:59am | 05/01/11

      “To be British is to win first prize in the lottery of life”

      - Cecil Rhodes-

      suck it up Aussies. LOL

      Reply

    • Greg says:

      08:52am | 05/01/11

      Drew, Cecil Rhodes was English born and a mining boss who ripped the wealth out of South Africa! He profitted from the British control of the country. It’s no onder he felt like winning the lottery. I’m sure he viewed the concentration camps in South Africa as a good thing!

      The English should be regularly reminded of Dunkirk, Singapore, Isandhlwana, Castlebar, Saratoga, Yorktown, Orleans, Bordeaux, Medway and The Battle of Cartegena de las Indias.

      I lived in London and I’ve seen what being British means.

      Warm flat beer called ‘London Pride’. Summer lasts a week if you’re lucky. Trains don’t run because of leaves on the track (never quite worked that one out). Cold. Dark. Damp. Replica shirts from the soccer world cup of 1964? “Two world wars and one world cup Doo Dah”, Endless monologues on TV of ‘we once ruled the world’, 5quid for a ham sandwich. The drain from Waterloo to Bank! Lime scale, recycled water, power showers, brick lane bombings, race riots, hereditary peers, Glen Hoddle’s mystic adventures, Spice Girls, Prince Charles, Tim Henman at Wimbeldon AGAIN (Ahhhhh), public school boys, the class structure, Blackpool considered a summer holiday!!! The Millennium Dome and the river of fire????

      If that’s winning the lottery and living here isn’t, I’m happy to lose thanks mate.

      Enjoy your moment in the sun, as history would suggest it wont last long. You have to give the pommies something every 24 years to keep them interested.

    • Alan says:

      01:35pm | 05/01/11

      Cecil Rhodes also had a nasty habit of buggering little boys. Is this an English thing?

    • DocBud says:

      02:19pm | 05/01/11

      Got a reference for that assertion, Alan?

    • thatmosis says:

      06:24am | 05/01/11

      You know the best thing about the Barmy Army, most of them will go home after the tests to their delightful little island where the most popular name for a boy is Mohamed, hahahahahahahahaha, where their English Soccerl League has more foreigners than poms sort of like their Cricket team, and the Government is to scared to float the Pound as they know it would be next to worthless. We may have lost the test but we have the greatest country to live in bar none except of course for the whinging Pom .

      Reply

    • Cheese Roller says:

      08:15am | 05/01/11

      The pound isn’t floated, which “back to the future” episode are you from?

    • No comprehendo says:

      01:49pm | 05/01/11

      Cheese man
      You shouldn’t have smoked that last bong. It appears to have made your reading a bit dyslexic.
      Read the post to which you just replied when you “sober” up.

    • Steve Putnam says:

      06:12pm | 05/01/11

      Do you always laugh at your own jokes? To judge by yours and other posts we seem to have our fair share of whingers also. Mind you, racism, sarcasm and mean- spiritedness are characteristic of imbeciles in the Tony Abbott cheer squad such as yourself.

    • get real says:

      08:00pm | 05/01/11

      thatmosis says..well well well..is not a Pakistani born guy playing for you now…oh but like a typical whinging Ozzie you will not whinge about that one.

    • Phil says:

      07:00am | 05/01/11

      Fascinating to see that Michael Beer is the first bowler in history to bowl a no-ball whilst taking a wicket.

      Usual complete over-reaction, making life difficult for a young bloke trying to earn a permanent spot.

      Reply

    • BTS says:

      07:07am | 05/01/11

      Australian Cricket:

      Down at the Academy, have blokes training:

      5 Bowlers
      5 Batsmen

      Start them young, around 17 years of age, pay them a salary of say $50K to train.  They train five days a week.  Whenever a frontline player goes down, replace him with the best batsman or bowler on the list.

      Of course let those players, play for their State teams, but when they are out of the competition or there is no play, they train at the Academy.

      If they get too old, release them back to their States.

      When a new bloke comes in such as Khawaja or Beer tell them ahead of time that unless they are getting flogged, they will play ten games automatically.  Allow them to understand Test level cricket without fear of penalty, let them get comfortable and ply their trade.

      Reply

    • Jim the Pom says:

      07:08am | 05/01/11

      “There’s also the fact that our preferred football codes (AFL and rugby league) have action that flows fast and furiously. There’s literally not enough time to sit back and cheer in an organised way, as there is in soccer and cricket”

      I’ve heard plenty of organised singing at Rugby League games in the North of England, so you’re well off the mark there, Anthony.

      Reply

    • Macka says:

      08:31am | 05/01/11

      Jim, that’s because Rugby League is such a boring, nauseating game, the English have resorted to singing just to stay awake.

      Quick, let’s see how many fat, useless, dumb blokes we can fit on a field to throw elbows at each other for 80 minutes…welcome to Rugby League! And given 90% of Austraian Rugby League supporters wear Jim Beam shirts, drive 1980’s Holden Commodores and have kids named Darren and Sharon, does it really surprise you that they don’t sing here!? They have trouble remembering their names most of the time…

    • Bob H says:

      08:04am | 05/01/11

      “AFL and League flows fast and furiously” that ones news to me as was “[Australia] is a nation of staunch individualists carving our niches in wide open spaces” .... eh?  the most surburban and consensual nation in the world claiming to be outback warriors is ridiculous.  This article maybe a good example of why sports journalists should not stray from the scores and regurgitated press conferences.  Why can’t we chant like the Poms? because we can’t and we don’t. England has a singing and a vast culture of songs to sing (ever tried to chant a John Farnham number?)  We have the quietest sports crowds in the world because we are suburban and consensual a drawback from being so very comfortable.

      Reply

    • Sporting spectator selfish loud mouths says:

      08:09am | 05/01/11

      Australian sport doesn’t need chanters, vuvuzelas, music-makers and artificially generated noise that wrecks spectator enjoyment.
      Ever sat behind someone at a cricket or tennis game, constantly brandishing some unwanted noise-making device ? Well that’s the barmy army - their noisemaking devices are their big mouths, all tuned together to spoil a nice day for every paying spectator in their vicinity.
      Little kids’ ears are not capable of withstanding loud, loud adult imposed racket from every direction,  bellowing into their immature eardrums. It’s pure hell for the young ones, although they are unlikely to object.
      Cricket is supposed to be a game for everyone, but the spectator environment is regularly taken over by a selfish, loud few who dictate the acoustic comfort of everyone around, having no consideration for anyone other than themselves.

      Typical English football mentality.  I wish their loud behaviour would stay in England where it belongs.

      Reply

    • rudy says:

      08:27am | 05/01/11

      I like it. It adds colour and fun. Apart from a few who wear fancy-dress or get drunk, most Australian cricket patrons are as dull as dishwater

    • Paul says:

      09:05am | 05/01/11

      The atmosphere is good, but I don’t need my children to hear “I shagged Matilda and so did my mate” to the tune of Waltzing Matilda. By all means support your team and have fun, but the army is largely a pack of gloating pisstakers more suited to the segregated neo-nazi crowds of the English premiership.

      I hate to think what would be said in the English media if thousands of Australians defaced the English anthem at Lords or the Oval.

      BTW, when will England turn up with English players. A South African Captain (again) and four South African players, it’s more like playing the united Nations when you play England these days!

    • DocBud says:

      11:11am | 05/01/11

      Yawn, Paul. Of course, Australian sport has never fielded a player born overseas (remind me, where in NSW is Islamabad?). Strauss moved to England when he was 6. Trott qualified automatically for a British passport so at least must have British grandparents. Both Pietersen (mother) and Prior (father) have an English parent.

      But, if it makes those sour grapes taste sweeter, carry on.

    • Paul says:

      09:41am | 06/01/11

      @DocBud, It’s just the first time I’ve seen England successful in Australia during my lifetime. I guess I’m just not use to it and I thought there may be something about learning to play elsewhere.

      I wonder what Mr Botham thinks about dirt in the pocket or Murrays mints on the ball???

    • iansand says:

      09:53am | 05/01/11

      The reason that the Poms have good chants and songs is scriptwriters. They have songbooks.  So there are one or two clever Poms, one decent trumpeter and a whole lot of sheep.

      A few centimetres of snow today.  Good day.  Off to the hockey tonight.  Go the mighty Blazers!!!!  Boo to Moose Jaw.

      Reply

    • Ant Sharwood says:

      11:15am | 05/01/11

      Ian, I am wearing my Fernie Ghostriders T-shirt today. Great little hockey team out of said British Columbia ski town. Where are you and who are the Blazers?

    • Dave says:

      11:33am | 05/01/11

      It has nothing to do with the Australian codes; Aussie fans are unorganised no matter what sport they’re watching.

      The English singing stems from the community spirit that used to be part of supporting your local football club, a tradition now so inbuilt it’s a built in part of supporting England in any sport, regardless of whether your team is winning or not.

      The first time I went to an AFL game and an NRL game I was blown away by how quiet it was. Australians only respond to success; they only cheer when a point is scored and they only turn up when their team is winning. (See the desertion of the MCG on Boxing Day.)

      Reply

    • Jeff says:

      01:47pm | 05/01/11

      Lots of theories here about why the poms chant/sing so well - can I add my own?  When I get drunk(ish) I like a good sing.  I’m very Australian but must be in touch with my (three generations back) Celtic roots to enjoy singing when drunk like this. 
      However few if any of my mates like a good sing when they’ve had a few (SHOUTING Khe Sahn doesn’t count - even if you know all the words) whereas most of the poms I’ve met love a good sing - and most of them are in tune.
      Perhaps the Barmy Army are just playing on that strength and with the Aussie fans it’s not a matter of whether they are organised enough - it’s the fact that most of us Aussies can’t sing in tune.

      Reply
 
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