Prev
Next

The Punch answers the questions of confused MPs

Leo Shanahan

by Leo Shanahan

29 Oct 05:59am

Must Reads

The Punch is moving house - this is a caption

The Punch is moving house

385

Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this? - this is a caption

Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?

122

Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming” - this is a caption

Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”

251

Filed under: Adam Bandt, Chris Pyne, Parliament, Peter Garrett, Politicians, Rob Oakeshott, Satire, Scott Morrison, Voting

54 comments

The new paradigm has begun to play mind games with our federal MPs. Yesterday nobody was quite sure what was expected of them. At times it was a little embarrassing to watch, like some awkward kid consistently dancing out of time at the Rock Eisteddfod

Hilarious. Gillard and Rudd share a laugh during a division yesterday. Picture: Ray Strange

Manager of Opposition Business and chief prosecutor in the case of Gillard v the BER Christopher Pyne copped the worst of it. Pyne didn’t ask for a division on a vote that would have forced a judicial inquiry into the Government’s BER spending. A vote the Coalition lost. Awkward.

No matter, Pyne plans to introduce his bill into the Senate after a session with the choreographer on Thursday afternoon.

Politicians shouldn’t feel bad though. Journalists have also been finding this all very confusing. See if you can read this news story and decipher what the hell happened yesterday. This is not indictment upon its authors; it’s just an indication of the bizarre barn dance that voting in the House of Reps has become.

In an effort to ease the strain on our politicians The Punch presents some answers to commonly asked questions about procedure and voting in the new parliament.

Hi Punch, I’m confused, what party do I belong to?

This is an important question when considering how to vote. You could be a member of the ALP, the Liberals, the Nationals or the Greens. Unless of course you’re Andrew Wilkie and have been a member of almost all of them.

But I don’t belong to any of these parties anymore, what am I now?

Hi Andrew, you’re called an independent now. You will join Rob Oakeshott, Tony Windsor and Bob Katter on what’s called the “cross bench” in political parlance. They, like you, used to belong to a party. It was called the Nationals and is currently on display at the National Museum.

Hold on, if I’m an independent who do I vote for?

This is really tricky and a personal decision. Mostly it depends on how much money Julia Gillard or Tony Abbott offered to pump into the multi-billion dollar Death Star currently being built in your electorate. But we suggest you mix it up, bring in ‘wildcards’ to dictate your decision, like tariffs on bananas and personal vendettas dating back to the days when your band toured with MotorHead, only to have the t-shirt money lost by Warren Truss after one of his wild wagers* on how much Jim Bean he could skull.


Hi I’m Adam Bandt, I’m an MP with the Greens. I’m in a party but I’m all alone, should I hang out with the other parties, or will they try and get me to vote for them?

Nice suit Adam.

Thanks

Actually nice glasses too.

Thanks again.

What are you earning as a Green MP to put together a hip outfit like that?

We at the Greens believe that the price of a hip suit and thick rimmed glasses is between the individual and the state which pays him to wear it. Although I refuse to wear anything made in Singapore because of the brutal use of the death penalty in that country. 

What about China?

The quality and competitive prices of Chinese tailors outweighs their brutal use of the death penalty.

Makes sense. Look Adam you can hang out with the major parties all you want, just don’t expect the Liberals to take anything you say seriously because they know deep down you’d like to have them all shipped off to Singapore. Don’t worry the feeling is mutual. And if Cheryl Kernot has taught us anything, it’s that prominent minor party MPs shouldn’t hang out too much with the Foreign Minister. So if Kevin Rudd invites you to “burn the midnight oil” on APEC preparations, politely decline.

Hi my name is Peter Garrett, what am I doing here?

We don’t know Peter. Look busy.

Okay smart guy my name is Scott Morrison and I’ve got a question for you. How are you going to stop the boats?

What? Sorry Scott I didn’t mention boats.

Yes you did, just then, how you going to stop them?

I dunno.

Ha! no answers. Typical. How would you like a detention centre on your website?

Not sure. Can they write opinion pieces?

Hi my name is Peter Slipper. I became deputy-speaker contrary to the wishes of my leader Tony Abbott. Will I always have to vote for the Liberals now?

Peter there’s an old Sicilian proverb which roughly translates as: if you dare cross the floor Tony Abbott will track you down and break you in two with his bare hands.

Thanks Punch. Those wise but cryptic Sicilians aye.

Don’t miss: Get The Punch in your inbox every day

Get The Punch on Facebook

Most commented

54 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • Against the Man says:

      06:28am | 29/10/10

      I ‘m confused. Why is KRudd around? Didn’t he get fired? Why is Gillard PM? Her party didn’t win the majority. Legacy of shame indeed.

      Reply

    • MarK says:

      06:59am | 29/10/10

      Its the new paradigm don’t ya know.

      Can’t ya feel the vibe?

      I personally love the new government run by Windsor and Brandt.

      It is sooooo awesome and cool. I feel good. I knew that i would.

    • iansand says:

      07:12am | 29/10/10

      Would it help if we drew pictures?

    • Joan says:

      08:54am | 29/10/10

      And why does Rudd sound like he is the PM and Gillard doesn’t.? This morning on RN Rudd was in top PM form.  Meanwhile Gillard `s old school marm talk style and her admission that she would rather rule the schoolyard - has convinced nobody that she is PM - so we have Greens and Independents running amok. Who knows what sugar sweet promises and deals she made to get her in power…. but rendered herself powerless.

    • Sammy says:

      09:03am | 29/10/10

      Yeah good point. Why is Gillard PM? Is this all legit?

    • dovif says:

      12:35pm | 29/10/10

      Kevin Rudd is thinking, you mean biatch, I am just bidding my time to backstabb you back

      Gillard: Kevin is giving me that look, where he look like he is going to backstab me.

    • Jacki says:

      01:19pm | 29/10/10

      I agree
      JG was not voted in by the people just two bloody minded indies voted her for a “stable” government, to highlight their profile in the media.
      Oakeshott took over 17 minutes to deliver his verdict????

    • lucy says:

      07:20pm | 29/10/10

      Your comment is just why TAbbott was so able to manipulate the ignorant masses with simplistic slogans.  Apologies if you were being ironic and just continuing the article’s theme of confusion

    • Dan says:

      11:26am | 30/10/10

      ATM, Sammi, Jacki ,  ALP won the election fair and square. They are perfectly legitimate, and perhaps you could do some research on the electoral system we employ, before you write such silly comments!

    • Virgil says:

      09:26am | 31/10/10

      Drawing pictures wont help, iansand, though it is a good idea. But even pictures require a degree of semiotic literacy and an engaged brain that can draw differences.

    • Lance says:

      07:01am | 29/10/10

      I’m confused Rudd still comes our looking and sounding like he’s the PM. Gillard gets around looking and sounding like a school Mistress with a bad attitude who’s in charge of the school debating team.

      Reply

    • marley says:

      08:21am | 29/10/10

      But Lance - surely that’s exactly what Gillard is?!

    • Charlie says:

      12:35pm | 29/10/10

      because he’‘ll take it back in 2 years time.

    • James P says:

      07:18am | 29/10/10

      That photo is a bewdy.

      Can’t you just “feel the love” passing between them.

      Reply

    • Blind Freddy says:

      11:05am | 29/10/10

      Yeah, it reminds me of all those lovely pics of the great mates Howard and Costello.

    • Jane says:

      07:24am | 29/10/10

      Share a laugh together? Gillard looks like my cockatoo about to peck him in the face if he sits any closer to her and fits into the same camera shot.

      Reply

    • Fiddlesticks says:

      07:46am | 29/10/10

      AGM isn’t confused. He’s just trying to be too clever.  Trouble is, he doesn’t really get democracy and he doesn’t like facts.

      Why is Rudd around?
      The good electors of Queensland returned him to Parliament at the last election.

      Didn’t he get fired?
      Err, no he wasn’t. Plainly AGM wasn’t paying attention. By not putting his name forward to the Labor Party room vote, Rudd effectively resigned as PM before he got fired. The Party and the Party Leader on return to office have chosen to continue make use of his skills and experience. For an exactly parallel case, see eg Turnbull MP.

      Why is Gillard PM?
      Ms Gillard won the Labor Party room vote pre-election as PM. She was returned to her seat by the good electors of Victoria. She is the Leader of the Labor Party in government and hence Prime Minister. See below.

      Her party didn’t win the majority.
      Err, no Party won a majority of seats in its own right. Labor did narrowly won the 2 Party Preferred result. More importantly in a stable Westminster democracy, Labor was better able to negotiate a stable minority government in negotiation with Greens and Independents.

      So as endorsed Leader of the federal Labor Party, we have Prime Minister Gillard.

      AGM may well not like it. But he needs to learn not to be quite so cute spinning the facts. Does AGM and his Party no good at all. None whatsoever.

      Reply

    • MarK says:

      08:39am | 29/10/10

      “By not putting his name forward to the Labor Party room vote, Rudd effectively resigned as PM before he got fired.”

      You will go a long way over the next 12 months to find a more disingenuous, false, leading, incorrect and lets all face HILARIOUS statement than that above.

      Kudos.

      For me the real kicker was at the end.

      “AGM may well not like it. But he needs to learn not to be quite so cute spinning the facts”

      Talk about a thigh slapper!!!!

      Accusations of others spinning the facts….bruhahahahahahahaha

      Awesome work. I eagerly await the next piece from you when you will outline the enormous contribution of the Rudd and Gillard government to date along with the glorification of their huge reform programme which has really done wonders for the nation.

      Please write. Please.

    • Luke says:

      09:01am | 29/10/10

      You took the words right out of my mouth MarkK. Exactly what I was thinking as I read this article.

    • Straw Man says:

      10:02am | 29/10/10

      As I was watching Kevin’s ‘resignation’ speech outside the parliament I was thinking; If it upsets him so much why not stay in the job?
      One of life’s mysteries I guess.
      I think you may be fiddling with the schtick here, hmmm?

    • lucy says:

      07:22pm | 29/10/10

      Yes, TAbbott played and manipulated the ignorant masses like a master.  Almost as well as KRudd did in 07.

    • Fiddlesticks says:

      07:17am | 30/10/10

      Mmm, entirely expected result. You people are pathologically loose with the facts. Your loss, but no surprise.

      Start with the tears. Part of the whole problem really, about which he must have been told.  Take that day for example.

      He kept the Press waiting an unconscionable time. Why? Well, he was still writing his own valedictory. One that was far far too long, for the circumstances and for his own composure. 

      A man not without talent, but with misdirected attention to detail and no idea of delegation. He was either going to implode from overwork, or be pushed. 

      He thought it could all be fixed just by working harder, harder, harder, but the In Tray overflowed with all the reviews and briefs he’d demanded and couldn’t bear to pass back till he’d had a look, a worry, and a scribble.

      The trail of really senior people kept waiting for hour upon hour in the corridors,  though he’d already scurried off to worry over the next “urgent” thing, is a matter of legend. Repeated week upon week, at the most senior levels. Utterly wasteful of time, talent and ultimately good will.

      And the indisputable fact is, when it came to the spill motion and the Party Room, he chose not to stand. Indisputable fact. He chose not to stand.

      The Party was right to give him the shoulder tap - the jig was up. They had the numbers, he knew they had the numbers. And he chose not to stand. It was quite a decent thing to do.

      He’s not without skill.  He may well make a better fist of Foreign Affairs, if he can learn to work smarter, to delegate, and simply to listen. He’ll need a Chief of Staff with some serious experience and serious spine - and who wont be such a total dill as to go dribbling nasty leaks to Oakes et al.

    • MarK says:

      09:22pm | 30/10/10

      “And the indisputable fact is, when it came to the spill motion and the Party Room, he chose not to stand. Indisputable fact. He chose not to stand. “

      and

      “earn not to be quite so cute spinning the facts””

      The rest you spin into the narrative as you want to see it.

      He was a talentless egomaniac that will be remembered as the first serving PM not to run full term. History will also record the abysmal performance and record of his government and rightfully judge whether his, Whitlams or Gillards was the most meaningless.

      Really get a grip. He was shafted. He was knifed. If he thought he had a chance he would have run.

      You live in a fantasy land. Read Oakes inside account. It is so far from what you think happened factually it is a joke.

      He didn’t resign. Dream on.

    • Tripper Smurf says:

      10:41pm | 03/11/10

      MarkK, although I agree with you and say that Rudd was pushed and didnt resign, on paper thats what happened because of the way it went down and the fact he didnt stand.

      Therefore both your arguments do have merit.

      However, please look up the history of all the Prime Minister of Australia.  I am sure you will discover that the quite a few of them did not serve out their first terms, let alone stop serving mid-term, even Menzies didnt serve out his first full term.

      Admittedly yes the Rudd fall will be remembered because it was engineered from within his own party and not outside of it and also of the relatively short timeframe in which the actual challenge to the leadership occured.

    • Bob H says:

      07:46am | 29/10/10

      He is a smart one that Mr Pyne, can’t even schedule when he is supposed to be there, even if it is just to vote because he is either too lazy or can’t follow the discussions.

      Reply

    • Nicole says:

      10:02am | 29/10/10

      Excuse me!!! Do not dis Christopher Pyne.

    • Andrew says:

      07:47am | 29/10/10

      Funny watching how pissed off Pyne made Albo.. Everythings either wrecking or a stunt to Albo and Gillard.

      Reply

    • Phillip Officer says:

      09:00am | 29/10/10

      Did albo have a note of hysteria in his voice or is that his normal tone?  The ALP are acting more like an opposition than a government.  Just get on with doing a proper job of it this time.

    • Ben81 says:

      12:09pm | 29/10/10

      I love hearing the term “wrecker” from the Labor and Greens mob lately, it basically means “waaah, Liberal party members aren’t defecting and promising unconditional support to the Labor party, it’s not fair!  New paradigm!”.

    • Dani says:

      07:54am | 29/10/10

      Scott Morrison stuff was brilliant! Thanks for the laugh.

      Reply

    • Eno The Wonderdog says:

      07:57am | 29/10/10

      Ahh thank you for clearing that up Leo S - i thought it sounded odd since most of the argument is about stuff that hasn’t happened yet.

      I reckon Julia’s keeping the screws on the opposition to see if Tone “The Wrecker” Abbot has a brain implosion, but they’ll be timing the passage of bills so they don’t go through until the “Wrecker” no longer has control of the Senate in June. This is a good thing.

      Bob “The Ultimate NIMBY” Brown’s lot will have control then. This is a bad thing.

      Reply

    • Jim says:

      09:18am | 29/10/10

      It’s cute how the Labor side can devise funky nick-names for the opposition…‘Wrecker’ indeed. If someone tries to wreck a hair-brained plan that will wreck our country if let loose…who is the wrecker? That’s like having a car speeding dangerously out of control hitting a speed bump, then blaming the speed bump, not the driver, for any damage done.
      Shoudl we stoop to the governments level of sarcasm and pettiness and refer to Gillard as the leader of the Lober Party?

    • Ben81 says:

      12:18pm | 29/10/10

      Jim, it’s the new paradigm, the opposition is only supposed to be a rubber stamp now and adopt all of Labor’s policies apparently!  Even the ones Julia Gillard lied about like the carbon tax. 
      Hey Eno, are the Libs also “wreckers” if they don’t support the internet filter?  Would you like a few more examples?

    • The Badger says:

      01:23pm | 29/10/10

      I heard the conservatives were going to re-brand and are tossing up new names for their party (which has never ever been liberal).

      I have a friend who has a friend who was working in information bay on the coast of far north NSW, who overheard someone telling someone else about the names they were considering that could represent their aspirations in a truer light.

      Some of the names they were considering included:
      The wrecking party
      The no party party
      The party of the far right
      The xenophobic action party
      The Fascist Party
      The Party of Gecko.

      Not sure which is in the lead at this point.
      stand by for an update from Information bay

    • MarK says:

      02:40pm | 29/10/10

      Badgers post was extraordinarily funny except for all it.

    • Mr Pod says:

      08:02am | 29/10/10

      Not a flattering photo but Joolz had just caught Kev peeking down her top.

      Reply

    • Jim says:

      09:19am | 29/10/10

      I always thought he was a sick and twisted individual, that confirms it Mr Pod!

    • Greg says:

      08:23am | 29/10/10

      Re - Pyne “a vote the Coalition lost”  I didn’t think they had a vote.

      Reply

    • Marilyn says:

      02:29pm | 29/10/10

      He didn’t even turn up.  And after two independent inquiries found bugger all problems with the BER and buildings all over Australia being used by kids what on earth is he doing flogging the dead horse still anyway?

      The schools sure hate his guts for it.

      As for Morrison and co.  What the fuck is wrong with them?  it is 100% legal to arrive here on boats, on planes, fired from cannons, swimming in shark cages, hot air balloons or any other way possible and it is 100% ILLEGAL to send them away if they ask for our protection.

      The media who report on this never say that.

    • Nicole says:

      05:54pm | 29/10/10

      Oh Marilyn, you’ve got a mouth dirtier that a wicker toilet seat.

    • Daniel says:

      09:12am | 29/10/10

      Cool article on greens.

      Reply

    • mark says:

      09:18am | 29/10/10

      could be worse,we could have abbott as PM

      Reply

    • Penny says:

      09:55am | 29/10/10

      mark - thought I would help you out, you miss placed a few letters. couldn’t be worse, we should have Abbott as PM.

    • Nicole says:

      10:35am | 29/10/10

      Thank you Penny. My thoughts precisely.

    • Mike T says:

      09:52am | 29/10/10

      Sort of looks like Kev just cut the cheese and was caught out by the PM. “Sorry Jules, i didnt think it would be that bad”

      Reply

    • Peter says:

      10:07am | 29/10/10

      Is it true Gillard is taking 4 “Ministers” with her overseas to help her?

      Reply

    • olbat says:

      10:38am | 29/10/10

      “one of his wild wages on how much Jim Bean he could skull.”
      ???  Assume you mean “wagers”?

      Mebbe not - ?  Maybe, there are “wild Wages” in Parliament! 

      Gosh and Gee Whillikers!

      Reply

    • Amy says:

      10:46am | 29/10/10

      In fairness, you knew this was coming…  The best part about that ABC article is the zoomed in shot of the fabulous Mr Pyne.  I’d never noticed those eyebrows before.  Win.

      (Not a bourbon drinker, Leo?)

      Reply

    • nosthow says:

      11:50am | 29/10/10

      You know I am trying hard to love the Coalition Leo but just when i come close an event like that of yesterday with silly Pyne comes along. What a prat ! He submits a private members bill then doesnt even come along to vote on it. Hollowman stuff big time. Then we have gaff prone Hockey who just is no good at numbers, poor Julie Bishop who doesnt know the difference between Nauru and Vanawatu and so the list goes on - right to the top where good old Tones sits uncomfortably waiting to be knifed by Mr13% Turnbull. Yes we all know you are good at emails Malcolm - heard from Grechy lately ! hahahh

      Reply

    • Jack says:

      12:22pm | 29/10/10

      What about “wrecker” “economic hansonism”“stunt” you must use these terms if your going to parrott lines and media slogans for the Rudd/Gillard Government.  I’m pleased you mentioned Malcolm and e-mails wow, I almost forgot about that. And also “knifed” is a term reserved for what Gillard and her union mates did to Rudd. You have used it wrongly here. Nice try, but must try harder. 1/10

    • nosthow says:

      05:32pm | 29/10/10

      @Jack aww cmon jack - MarK would have given me at least 3 out of 10 fella !

    • Ryan says:

      02:18pm | 29/10/10

      I’m confused? Which of those promises Julia Gillard said we were going to get are we or are we not going to get and which of those promises she promised we weren’t going to get are we or are we not going to get?

      Reply

    • MarK says:

      05:35pm | 29/10/10

      Slow down there Ryan ffs

      She has only enacted the committee to give a guide to the draft of a plan so far.

      By this time next year the draft of the draft should be ready.

      Stop getting ahead yourself mate.

    • Ryan says:

      09:53am | 01/11/10

      @MarK: oh right, I guess I am still confused then because didn’t she tell us she isn’t going to deliver any of her promises but is going to deliver us something she told us she wasn’t going to deliver.. the carbon tax.

 
Sorry, comments are now closed for this article.

Facebook Recommendations

Read all about it

Punch live

Up to the minute Twitter chatter

See all tweets

Recent posts

The latest and greatest

The Punch is moving house

by The Punch Team

385

The Punch is moving house

Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…

Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?

by Hannah Harborow

122

Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?

I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…

Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”

by Sarrah Le Marquand

251

Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”

In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…

Nosebleed Section

choice ringside rantings

From: Hasbro, go straight to gaol, do not pass go

Tim says:

They should update other things in the game too. Instead of a get out of jail free card, they should have a Dodgy Lawyer card that not only gets you out of jail straight away but also gives you a fat payout in compensation for daring to arrest you in the first place. Instead of getting a hotel when you… [read more]

From: A guide to summer festivals especially if you wouldn’t go

Kel says:

If you want a festival for older people or for families alike, get amongst the respectable punters at Bluesfest. A truly amazing festival experience to be had of ALL AGES. And all the young "festivalgoers" usually write themselves off on the first night, only to never hear from them again the rest of… [read more]

Light weight

Gentle jabs to the ribs

Superman needs saving

Superman needs saving

Can somebody please save Superman? He seems to be going through a bit of a crisis. Eighteen months ago,… Read more

28 comments

Newsletter

Read all about it

Sign up to the free News.com.au newsletter