The joy of autosex, I mean autolicks, I mean autocorrect
Terrible news. The word on the e-street is that Apple’s super-secretive tech-heads aren’t just slaving away on a new flat screen iDiotBox. They’re also attempting to kill off a wonderfully slapstick glitch in the company’s existing devices.
‘Autocorrect’ is an iPhone function designed to correct spelling mistakes and complete par-finished words. Often, however, it demonstrates a delightfully human tendency to stuff up.
Over the past year, it has become infamous for transforming innocuous missives about holiday plans and office schedules into surreal ejaculations about Pussy Hats (instead of Pizza Huts), stroking offs (instead of stroganoffs), backyard transsexuals (instead of trampolines) and earthquake titty scales (instead of the usual Richter models).
Particularly embarrassing autoincorrects are achieving viral status on the internet, and are responsible for the success of highly entertaining web sites such as damnyouautocorrect.com.
The latter presents the case of young Michelle who sends an SMS to her Aunt Liz to see if they’re still on for a movie date.
“Yes!” Aunt Liz texts back. “I’m just heating up some ladybits for your father.” The disappointing news for dad is that Aunt Liz actually meant “leftovers”.
Damn You Autocorrect also offers iPhone screen shots of:
A SERIOUS business exchange which ends less seriously when a superior instructs a subordinate to “just let Kara run the SHOWMEYOURTITS” (instead of “the show”);
AN ANNOUNCEMENT that someone’s mum is about to receive the “Touched by an Asian” (instead of the “Touched by an Angel”) box set; and
AN ATTEMPT to quote Ralph Waldo Emerson which reads: “It’s not the journey but the dusty jockitch that counts”.
Some of the funniest entries on Damn You Autocorrect involve texters whose panicked scrabbles to remedy previous errors serve only to produce multiple others.
One iPhoner asks how to use “cocks slap” on his phone, re-sending this as “cocks lap” and then “cap licks” before finally arriving – mortified - at “caps lock”.
Then there’s the poor soul who – asked if he is involved in a school Nutcracker performance – replies that he is “auctioning kids” tomorrow. His next attempt reads “suctioning kids” followed by a desperate “Ridiculous auto cat rectal Birdseed!”.
Even efforts to blame autocorrect for mistakes result in yet more sublime errors as SMS abuse is hurled at autocortexes, autocrotches and even fridge autocucumbers.
So please, Apple: Leave this wonderful word salad-maker in peace so that it can continue touching our Asians and dusting off our jock itches forever.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have to hump a friend heat up some strokingoff ladybits for tea. I may be some time.
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