The bad stuff on the internet must be blocked
You may be surprised to learn that I’m in favour of an internet filter.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m a pretty wild kind of guy - I don’t always tuck my shirt in, cross one-way streets without looking both ways and occasionally don’t bother pre-heating the oven.
But despite my roguish charm, frequent viewings of Black Hawk Down and awkward attempts at skateboarding, I just can’t bring myself to support internet freedoms.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy, at this week’s e-G8 summit, called on leaders to consider heavier internet regulation.
Sarkozy said the digital revolution shouldn’t “threaten everyone’s basic right to a private life and full autonomy”.
Many of the delegates present reportedly then imagined a giant thought bubble above his head that said something along the lines of: “Yeah, and also, there should be heaps more sex on the net. Like, loads more. Hey Zuck, can I borrow your iPad real quick please bro?”
The internet filter I’m proposing, however, would have nothing to do with privacy rights, copyright or basic morality. It would purely be based on things that piss me off. Isn’t that what all internet filters are about anyway?
Never, in the history of the universe, have there been more things on the web that mildly irritate me – and it’s time our government did something about my minor grievance.
I can already hear some of you typing “Nanny State” in caps-lock and following it with not three, but four (four!) exclamation marks. Well, kindly remove yourself from the interwebs, sir or madam, because people who use that phrase are right at the top of my list.
Also on my list is anyone who has ever created a Facebook page that begins with “If this page gets (insert ridiculous number) ‘Likes’ such-and-such will happen”. Nobody cares. There is nothing you could promise to do that would warrant me boosting your online ego.
The only way you will ever get me to like your stupid page is if it ends with: “I will delete my Facebook profile, retreat to a cabin in the Siberian wastelands and spend the rest of my life hunting and destroying any remaining trace of my internet presence”.
Viral marketing for movies still in pre-production, politicians on Twitter, footage of parties, festivals or hipster gatherings set to Adrian Lux’s “Teenage Crime”, and Sean “P. Diddy aka Swag” Combs will also be filtered out.
Some of you may be concerned that public interest doesn’t factor into my filter – but that’s certainly not the case. Members of the public whom I find interesting will be allowed to remain on the web – unless, of course, I get sick of them or something.
What I won’t tolerate, however, are animals with Facebook pages. These arrogant Labradors, Siamese cats and Beagles blatantly flout Facebook’s 13-plus rule by entering their age in canine or feline years, making fools of us all in the process.
In this age of rapid digital progression (RDP), Web 2.0 innovation (W2I) and other made-up tech-related buzz words, we can’t afford not to block certain parts of the internet.
Why should corporations like Facebook and Google be allowed to operate unhindered like any other businesses, when there’s a risk that I might accidentally post a sex tape or allow my four-year-old child to create an account?
Come to think of it, I think I’ll filter out Google, too.
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