The indies should be asking about the WeetBix
I don’t know about you, but I feel beaten over the head by the demands of the four Independents.
What about our demands?
Here are some of issues plaguing Australians. Feel free to add your own.
1. Who shrunk the Weet-bix? Is it an evil ploy by the Seventh Day Adventists at Sanitarium to slowly starve us until – low on carbs and high on delirium – we agree to join their religion? And who decided that Sultana Bran shouldn’t have as many sultanas? Discuss.
2. Truth in entertainment reporting. Matthew Newton is not “troubled” he’s a mentally ill, substance abusing bully (allegedly). Ben Cousins is not a “glamorous football star” he’s a smug, spoiled drug addict.
3. No more socks with sandals. Admittedly, this might cause consternation at the Mt. Isa RSL. But this trend on the catwalk during the Rosemount Australian Fashion Week should have been reported to the fashion police. Blame the Romans: Archeologists have discovered fibres on a 2,000 year old sandal.
4. Over-sharing on social media. I don’t want a blow-by-blow description of your miscarriage/divorce/family tragedy via Twitter or Facebook. Just pick up the phone, you social pygmy.
5. Mandatory smacking. Parents should be encouraged to smack their kids as often as possible. Positive parenting should be banned. “Now Lachlan, it’s not very nice to kick granddad in the shins. Darling, this is your last warning. I’m going to count to three. That stick’s not a toy, he needs it to walk. Look, he’s fallen over and broken his hip. Would you like it if someone did that to you? That’s it. Only one scoop of ice-cream for dessert tonight!”
6. Permission to harm ourselves. It’s a free country. Laws pertaining to bicycle helmets, seatbelts and child car capsules should be abolished. The desire to smoke, eat and drink excessively should be indulged at all times.
7. Poker machines on every corner. Why should we waste time travelling to a pub or club to lose our hard-earned cash? In fact, how about gaming machines on public transport? Or for that matter, along Sydney’s M5? What a perfect way to while away the hours.
8. What the hell is aigre-doux anyway? Restaurateurs should be forced to include a glossary at the end of the menu. “Erm, excuse me, so sorry, what is a Meunière? Oh, I see, and what exactly was the style of a miller’s wife? Silly me. I guess I should remember that from my master’s degree in Cooking Techniques Favoured by Spouses of the Middle Ages.”
9. Fair dinkum food labelling. For example, at Woolies: “These apples have been sitting in cold storage for 11 months. They taste like crap.” Or at McDonald’s: “Some of these chips may have been dropped on the floor by a trainee staff member. A three second rule applies.”
10. IQ tests for the commentariat. Almost anyone can be a media commentator these days. Even newsreaders. What is the world coming to?
Tracey Spicer is a 2ue broadcaster, Sky newsreader, Daily Telegraph columnist, Holidays with Kids Ambassador, MC and keynote speaker.
Don’t miss: Get The Punch in your inbox every day
Get The Punch on Facebook