The dark heart of a suburban Christmas
‘Tis the season to pretend there’s nothing wrong with starting Christmas celebrations this early in December, as we wind our way through the shopping malls and homemaker centres of suburbia.
We start in the southeast corner of Melbourne, where one council has decided to change up its approach to the festive season. The Mordialloc Chelsea Leader reports that Kingston council, sick of squabbling over public liability insurance rates, has packed up the tinsel streamers and hanging fairy lights – safe in the knowledge that no plastic stars can fall on the heads of passers by.
Instead, they’ve chosen to cover rubbish bins in Christmas wrapping. For the price of $26,000, some 200 bins in the area get to be wrapped with reusable Australiana-themed livery.
We’re not sure whether the children of the Kingston area were consulted before the move, but we’re pretty sure we don’t want them peeking into that particular Christmas present. Or reaching in to find what’s inside for that matter.
Meanwhile the it’s time for the children of Adelaide’s Happy Valley to start getting nervous again. Last week, the Southern Times Messenger reported a troop of bovver boy geese had been forcibly removed from a local park because they were knocking over toddlers. Now, it seems, concerned residents have decided they weren’t bovvered enough by the geese, and have asked the authorities for a re-match. They have duly demanded to have the geese re-relocated. Geese 1 - Toddlers 1.
If you prefer your fauna a little more genteel, one store in Melbourne’s east may be able to help. Former bridezillas and bewildered grooms who want another marriage - without the mess or fuss of having actual humans involved - can rejoice. The Knox Leader reports that the Exclusive Pet Clothing Boutique can dress up your mutt in a tux or gown, and marry it off.
While we’ve sought comment from the RSPCA, we lamentably have yet to check with any religious denominations as to the legitimacy of such a union. We’ll get back to you on that one.
As some pets are starting their faux married lives together, another poor pet is fulfilling that last duty of a domestic animal - being stuffed, mounted and put on display. A year ago, a rare two-faced cat was born in a Perth vet clinic and Inmycommunity was there to beam the pictures around the world. Sadly the little champ didn’t last the distance and died just three days into life. Now, its owner has donated the body to a nearby museum under fears the animal could be stolen. Happily, the body has now been locked behind glass, ready to unnerve future generations of passers by.
Back on the eastern seaboard, one couple is having their own pet security nightmares. The Fairfield Advance reports a couple has had its pet miniature goat kidnapped twice in ten days. One-time street goat Rosie was adopted by Villawood couple Leane and Ron Stitzinger three months ago after it was unceremoniously tipped out of a car as Ron jogged by.
Now the hapless creature has found itself in more bother - secreted somewhere in Sydney. Hope is not lost however for the stocky quadruped. Last time it was nicked, it’s loud, high-pitched dog bark-like bleating revealed it’s location. If you’re in the area and hear such a noise, give the local coppers a yell and break the cycle of goat-stealing in your neighbourhood.
Now, in our first two journeys through the suburbs, we’ve manage to let some grime stick to our journalistic shoes. And this week is no different – if only to get the words ‘lap dance’ tracking this page in Google. Allow us to present Northcote, once the heartland of Melbourne’s homespun beanie and organic tea-drinking crowd. Now, the denizens of that good town have decided to put away their hemp clothing, and embrace the wonders of botox and teeth-whitening.
Gone is the Tupperware of old. Families, parties and hen’s nights are getting in on the cosmetic fun. According to the Northcote Leader, one such party even decided to break out the champagne and aforementioned lap dancers to spice up the evening. Each to his or her own of course, but we do hope the lap dancing, botoxing and teeth-whitening were not indulged in concurrently. We suspect that would probably just end in tears.
To sport news now, and all of southwest Sydney will be holding its collective breath this weekend, hoping for a teenage girl to fail.
The Macarthur Chronicle reports cricketing youngster Kirsty Perrin has so far failed to win the toss an almost comical 29 times. A trip to the friendly local neighbourhood mathematics professor reveals the lass has more chance to win the lotto. With any luck, Kirsty will continue her losing streak and power on past the 30 mark.
Lastly we turn to that staple of suburban news: local government.
The city elders of Logan in outer Brisbane have decided they need a top-down look at their domain to assess the city’s potential, according to the Albert and Logan News.
When you hear that members of your local council will pay $100 a minute to fly in a helicopter over your suburb to ‘assess it’s potential’, it tends to suggest your suburb may currently be not be performing at the top of its game economically. And if this is the case then perhaps:
a; flying over it may not be the most riveting ride
b; Given the circumstances, maybe it’s not quite the most prudent thing to do with ratepayer cash
c; It could be a tad redundant, as Google Maps has pretty much figured out that whole ‘see what stuff looks like from above your noggin’ thing anyway.
In fact, here and now, as a civic duty to help the council from having to perform similar aerial feats in the future, we humbly present a google view of the area.
Hopefully it will save the local administrators from spinning up the rotors again any time soon.
Read more tales of splendid suburbia and follow us at Twitter @suburbantales
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