The alien war, Moon-bombing peace prize ‘cover-up’

But whereas explanations for Lincoln’s untimely demise were almost elegant in their simplicity (e.g. Vice President Johnson was behind it, it was a plot by the Confederates, a cabal of international bankers, or the Catholic Church), nowadays conspiracy theories are becoming more complex and obscure (not to mention entertaining) by the minute.

A significant factor driving this new generation of Jerry Bruckheimer-esque conspiracy theories is that up until the mid 80s it was much easier to take pot shots at politicians. Fact is, all yesterday’s budding theorist had to do to gain public attention was create a compelling story alleging the “real” method and motivation for a politician’s death (hence the Robert F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X assassinations were all at some point attributed to popular Manchurian Candidate-style plots). But today, thanks in part to increased security, political leaders aren’t being shot as often, so zealous conspiracy theorists have had to shift their focus and begin crafting incredibly specific yet convoluted stories that allegedly “shed light” on clandestine activity just to get attention.

It was one of this new generation of conspiracy theorists that unexpectedly caught (and held) my attention at dinner earlier this week. For what previous generations of stereotypical truth-spinners had lacked, the new theorists seem to have in spades. Mr. X (I shall protect his identity) was a well kempt, well spoken, professional raconteur who convincingly intertwined fact with fiction to the point that he had half of the table nodding in agreement with his tale before we knew it. For had I not been seated beside Mr. X, I may well have gone to my grave without knowing the truth behind Bill Clinton’s career success and Barrack Obama’s controversial laureate win.

The Clinton Body Count conspiracy theory was recounted to us by Mr. X with just the right amount of casual confidence and condescension to convince us all that we were fools for not having known this before, and we would be even more foolish to openly question a story presented so truthfully. We sat in stunned silence and listened to how Bill Clinton during his time as president had quietly assassinated anyone who got in the way of his career, leading to a total body count of between 50-60 people. Mr X spoke convincingly on how each death was carefully constructed to look like natural causes or an accident so as now to arouse suspicion, and he named names (e.g. Vince Foster) with such honesty that by the end of the story I had recounted my obviously uninformed allegiance to Big Willy (Please note: my respect for you has now returned former president Clinton, so please don’t have me whacked!).

The, when a colleague seated across the table cockily commented that this kind of thing would never happen with president Obama at the helm, Mr. X wasted no time in proving just how inferior our intellects were by revealing the story behind Obama’s laureate win. What follows is a summary of Mr. X’s remarkably detailed explanation for Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize win, that I have subtly titled the Obama Bombing a Moon Again (O.B.A.M.A.) theory, linking NASA’s recent LCROSS mission to a closed down lunar monitoring facility and Star Wars research lab at Area 41, then across the ocean to Norway and back to the Oval Office with such intricate detail and deftness that I almost didn’t sleep that night for fear of my imminent death.

Here’s how the facts play out…

1. NASA’s $600m LCROSS Mission came to an end early Saturday morning when they successful crashed a 2 tonne Centaur missile into the surface of the Moon.

2. The “publicly stated” objective of the 113 day LCROSS mission was to locate traces of water on the permanently dark southern side of the Moon.

3. Locating a water source on the Moon would be a crucial first step towards NASA achieving George W. Bush’s challenge of returning man there by 2020.

4. The Centaur missile struck the lunar surface at 4000 miles per hour, generating a massive plume of debris that a trailing satellite flew through to measure for traces of water vapour.

5. NASA claims the impact would not affect the Moon’s rotation or destabilize it in any way, claiming that the speed was necessary to raise a debris cloud high enough off the lunar surface for the second satellite to fly through.

6. Back on earth, a “reliable source” claimed that the sole Lunar Monitoring facility was officially decommissioned just before the LCROSS Mission launched.

7. The Lunar Monitoring facility, requiring only $150,000 in funding, utilises an array of sophisticated lasers aimed at mirrors on the lunar surface (placed there by Apollo astronauts) to measure planetary spin etc.

8. The “reliable source” questioned NASA’s certainty that their “bombing” of the Moon would have no impact on its rotation or stability, asking why then would they cease funding such a paltry sum for the Lunar Monitoring facility just days before the LCROSS Mission started.

9. The reliable source has claimed that the reason the facility was closed was because the entire LCROSS Mission was a cover up for a Star Wars weapons program test fire of a nuclear weapon on the lunar surface, a test which would definitely shift the Moon’s alignment, and which would be noticed by the Lunar Monitoring facility.

10. Further, the reliable source claims that the LCROSS / Star Wars mission was a strategic exercise designed to showcase the US’s might to “Santa Claus”.

11. Well informed conspiracy theorists know that “Santa Claus” is the codename Apollo astronauts gave to alien space craft sightings, most of which were situated around the Moon’s southern pole.

12. The implied suggestion is that NASA accurately targeting and “bombing” the Lunar South Pole was their way of “firing a shot across the bow” to warn any extraterrestrial life forms that the US has the capacity to accurately target the Moon with weapons if need be.

13. As such, if the LCROSS Mission was in fact a weapons test then it is a blatant breach of the Outer Space Treaty which prohibits the Moon being used for weapons test or acts of war. Breaches of this magnitude could mean presidential impeachment.

14. Evidence that this was a conspiracy long in the planning; Obama’s nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize was submitted 11 days after he commenced office and the funding to the Lunar Monitoring facility was axed 10 months prior to the LCROSS Mission officially being publicised.

15. Meaning that the five-person Nobel committees decision to award president Obama the Nobel Peace Prize (ironically for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples”) was nothing more that a carefully planned ruse designed to bolster president Obama’s popularity, distracting the planets and media’s attention away from his act of war against our lunar neighbours simply to protect his job.

So irrespective of wether you believe we landed on the Moon in the 60s, that aliens may or may not exist, or that the lunar “bombing” was really about finding water or for a hidden agenda, TWO FACTS ARE CLEAR; Obama hasn’t had his job long enough to have a real impact worthy of the laureate, and UFO’s appeared above Russia days after the lunar “bombing”.

Coincidence? I think not.

Now you know.

P.S. On a positive note, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said Mr Obama would give the laureate prize money to charity.