The 10 worst things Aussies do when ordering wine

Michelle says:

06:23am | 16/10/09

“The waiter pours a taste and awaits your answer to whether the wine is good or faulty. A two-minute description of the sample is best saved for your friends not the waiter.”
People actually do this?  FUNNY!
Enjoyed the article - thanks.

RT says:

07:46am | 16/10/09

11. Beyond communication or reason: when the waiter turns up to take another order, the customer spends several moments trying to focus his gaze, before throwing up on the waiter’s shoes and then saying ‘another bottle of the shiraz, please, mate’.

snap says:

07:46am | 16/10/09

Coming down from the Mr Hillery’s obnoxiouly-populated stratosphere, most people will encounter waiters and wine in ordinary (yet good) restaurants and bistros.

Here, the waiter will almost certainly be some 18 to 20 yr old in a black apron, and pleasant if you’re lucky, with attitood if you’re not. Smile anyway. 

You’ll know as much about the wine as they do.  If you ask for muscat from such a person, you may well get offered moscato, in which case you may learn something.  Then again, you may get asked “Campari? What’s that?” when there’s a serried rank of full-uns at the bar. 

And if the wine arrives in a modern screw-seal, as it almost certainly will,  the odds of it being “faulty” are about the same odds as winning Lotto. Taste it and smile again. And enjoy your feed.

Kym Durance says:

08:05am | 16/10/09

Crime?? By what measure? they are paying for the experience, the wine the food - if those are things Clint and his colleagues giggle about at the expense of their patrons so be it - but to think that sort of school yard trivia needs to be broadcast to a woder audience as some kind of patronly advice is tiresome. I guess it might give rise to a few titters here and there - but for the main it was a yawn.

Bec says:

08:07am | 16/10/09

Right about the Hunter Valley being the place for wine wankers to gather. One visit I was there, eating lunch at one of the many vineyards, when a family group pulled up in a porsche four wheel drive, which already got my attention as being a candidate for wine wanker of the year. This was further confirmed when they insisted on parking in the turning bay so that everybody in the restaurant could watch them walk up, then when the mother walked back to the car, pulling her shirt up so we could see the ‘dolce and gabbana’  label on the back of her pants, to grab her handback and then yell across the lawn “How silly of me to leave my birkin in the car” (designer handbag). What was funny, after the family went inside, is that a delivery truck turned up, and obviously, thanks to the inconsideration of said family parking in the turning bay, had great difficulty making their delivery. When the truck was turning, you heard a whole heap of disappointed sighs when he managed to safely avoid their precious four wheel drive!

Lexi says:

08:11am | 16/10/09

An extra rule - people who read that a certain clean skin is a good buy… They translate this into “clean skins are a good buy” and then go into any random bottle shop advertising a dozen clean skins for $50.  NO!  If you’re going to buy a case of anything, you must, must, must taste it first.

And if you want to buy clean skins, go to the cellar doors.  Yes, you may get some bargains, but you’ll also avoid the vinegars.

Also, don’t think a trend in regions must be followed - look for boutique wineries in other regions to find something special.

Tim says:

08:24am | 16/10/09

Bec,
i was in the Hunter last weekend and I could not have described some of the absolute tools who were there any better.
Thanks.

Joel B1 says:

08:26am | 16/10/09

Watch “Posh Nosh (BBC)”, that’ll learn ya all bout girl drinks

shabangabang says:

08:55am | 16/10/09

10 things we do wrong and one simple solution; order a beer. Problem(s) solved.

Zeta says:

09:09am | 16/10/09

I couldn’t stand being a sommelier. I consider them like nurses, or school teachers; they’re one of those vital professions that I lack the compassion and aptitude to perform.

I couldn’t spend my life learning every intricate detail about wine manufacture, tasting, and quality, only to have some spiv sit down and try to lecture me on it. I’d end up stabbing someone with a waiter’s friend.

Glenn says:

09:36am | 16/10/09

Wake up to yourself mate. Wine is just a drink until transformed by the Jargon you descibe and in fact if wine did not have the emotion with the drink we wouldn’t need sommelliers and wine writers would we!

Liz says:

09:57am | 16/10/09

Gosh do Porsche do a 4x4? dos ‘TopGear’ know? Wine wankery is rife,just ask the experts, there’s always something to learn.

iansand says:

10:01am | 16/10/09

In the immortal words of someone with whom I was at university - “There’s two sorts of wine, mate - red piss and white piss”.  He now runs a highly successful bottle shop specialising in boutique wines, but I have always liked his attitude to wine.  It is something to be drunk and enjoyed.  A good wine is one you like the taste of.  That’s all there is.  There is no more.

hoofman says:

11:05am | 16/10/09

Liz, yes Porsche do a 4wd, a particularly fat and ugly one, designed to carry the sort of fat ugly people who are often seen in them. It goes by the pretentious name of ‘Cayenne’. Just like the spicy pepper? No, just like something bland instead.

H says:

11:25am | 16/10/09

Seems like a general rule applies for wine tasting as with many other things in life, humility and politness are more impressive than dominating the conversation

Jugger says:

11:38am | 16/10/09

@Zeta -give me a break, a wine waiter is like a teacher or a nurse, you’ve got to be joking.

Society couldn’t survive without nurses and teachers, but we would be better off without sommeliers.

Clint, have you ever heard of the phrase “The customer is always right’?  It doesn’t matter whether they know about wine or not, if they’re paying customers your job is to serve them.  If you don’t like wine wankers then you’re in the wrong job mate.

charles says:

12:04pm | 16/10/09

Oh to find a sommelier that can help, let alone have one in every restaurant - ‘twould be bliss, especially for thos eof us who enjoy are drop and are not fortunate enough to get the opportunity to have free tastings from all the wine reps trying to make a sale.

I’m sure there are many, many good wines out there the names of which the ink has bareky dried on the bottle, yet warrant drinking before some of the more ‘reputed’ labels and varieties.

Great read, enjoy your job.

PB says:

12:24pm | 16/10/09

For the Vampire wine Wa*&^%$s just feed them opposites. Its my favourite thing to do. for example
this wine is:
dry yet fruity
lean yet full bodied
crisp but creamy
fruity but savoury
subtle yet powerful
you get the idea….

papachango says:

12:32pm | 16/10/09

Re no 7 - my favourite wine wanker thing to say is “it’s an impudent little wine, but I think you’ll be amused by its presumtions” - works a treat with a heavy dose of irony.

I’ve always wondered what the point of a the Porsche cayenne station wagon is. Each to their own, but if you’ve got that much money get a BMW or Merc wagon instead.

Re the Hunter Valley - this is probably my Victorian bias - but I’ve heard that the wines aren’t all that flash - the whole region merely panders to the parochialism of Sydneysiders too snobby to drink anything from SA or VIC

Keith says:

02:01pm | 16/10/09

I’ve seldom had a relationship with wine, from the day I first bought a bottle of Woodley’s Rose’ medicinal wine of course, at age 16 from the chemists’ shop on a Sunday, before civilization began; and the wine saloons which sold “fourpenny darkies”, and upon entering the establishment, confronted with the darkened interior, and almost silouhetted cigarette smoking figures, mumbling their domestic misfortunes in a quiet way, always afraid of being ejected in case of trouble.My mate and I decided to partake, as an experiment, and soon found that indeed it was “plonk”, not of the Penfolds variety, of the flashing neon signs of the time, an enticement to the joy of Purple Para Port. Not having imbibed until recently, having taken note of health officials, in the benefits of (wine), I’ve come to the conclusion that wine ‘aficionados’ is a euphamism for the wank sychopantic social class, who in their wisdom, ought take notice of the dangers of over imbibing in the slurry trampled by hundreds of sweaty tinea ridden feet of various countries, in their quest for the fine drop. Otherwise, I have no real concern, do what you will,  I’ll have a frosty ale, thankyou,  it’s summer already, at least, beer o’clock.

nic says:

02:07pm | 16/10/09

I think the artice is balanced and fair.
The best wine waiter I have ever had was at Tetsuya’s in Sydney. The fellow was friendly, knowledgable and you never felt inferior ordering a cheaper bottle, quite the opposite.

The worst I ever had was in Banff in Canada. The sommelier produced some contraption that looked like some sort of wine bong and had a glass herself before we even tried it (it was a decent bottle).

bruno says:

02:18pm | 16/10/09

Good to see that wankers aren’t limited solely to those that Clint takes to with such ‘verve’. Tip No. 11 - don’t try to use words when describing wines that are the reserve of the wine snob.  Only the wine snob has the right to do that.  Being pretentious is one of their better known traits.  It is an elite club you know, we don’t want any sort of riff raff proclaiming knowledge on anything.

Michael says:

02:51pm | 16/10/09

Kym Durance, yes they are paying for the experience, wine and food but waiting staff and sommeliers are paid for a specific service, NOT to listen to people waste their time (better spent on the service of other PAYING customers) self-indulging and glorifying themselves. These same inconsiderate wankers would be clicking their fingers impatiently if THEY were made to wait for service due to some other idiot gloating and twittering rhetoric and making a smart-arse of themselves.

papachango says:

02:52pm | 16/10/09

There used to be a good tip that if you didn’t really know what to get, order the second-cheapest bottle.

Restaurants have clued on to that, and put the heaviest mark-up on it.

Michael says:

03:42pm | 16/10/09

Jugger, that phrase “The customer is always right” is the biggest myth out there, and it’s about time people started realising that. Just because they pay a nominal amount for a certain service, does not make them royalty. The establishment is always right, and if they aren’t then the good people can spend their disposable income elsewhere which better caters to their whims. Repeat after me: The Establishment Is Always Right…Customers Get What They Are Given Until They Choose To Nick Off!

Jeff Mueller says:

03:58pm | 16/10/09

The idea that someone else knows sonething you don’t seems to irk Australians more than anything else.  The defensive posture of calling anyone who might know about wine, or be more articulate than you about a wanker speaks volumes about one of our national anxieties.  If you were as confident about yourself as many bloggers pretend it would be no more cause for comment than noticing that Gary Ablett Jr could play footbal a bit better than you.

stephen says:

10:56pm | 16/10/09

Drink beer. (It’s a hard earned thirst.)

Christopher says:

05:32am | 17/10/09

Just pick the second cheapest unless you’re on a date ... in that case, take a few moments and then pick the second cheapest.

Benni Colgan says:

12:18pm | 18/10/09

Wine is bottled poetry.
Robert Louis Stevenson

Great article, I’m a wine waiter/w%anker! I can’t get enough of the stuff! The joy of wine is drinking it of course but every once in a while u “stumble” across a wine that u can’t stop thinking about. That’s what got me hooked. Drink a lot, read a little a and talk no sh1t!

Here’s a tip on fortified wines: Light dessert wines with blue cheese, crisp acidic sauvingon with goats cheese and a tawny port with chocolate. Yummy!

He who loves not wine, women and song remains a fool his whole life long.
Martin Luther, 1777