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The 10 commandments of footy tipping

Anthony Sharwood

by Anthony Sharwood

12 Mar 05:56am

Filed under: Footy Tipping, Rugby League, Society, Sport

36 comments

Join The Punch’s tipping comp and tip against other Punchers! Sign up here and enter the league code 439453.

Rabbitohs nut and prophet Moses pictured here at Redfern Oval holding a large stick to ward off Bulldogs fans.

With the NRL and AFL seasons almost upon us, The Punch has fortuitously stumbled across an ancient parchment. Feasteth thine eyes upon it, and you too shall dwell in the promised land of tipping milk and honey… or some such.

1. Remember the Sabbath Day and keep it holy (well the Muslim Sabbath day of Friday, anyway)

Friday is the day upon which thy tips must be submitted. At the setting of the sun, thy tips shall be deemed inadmissible.

2. If in doubt, tippeth the home team

So how’s the US going with that war in modern day Mesopotamia anyway? That’s obviously a rhetorical question since this document was written by an omniscient being. Point is, home ground advantage is crucial in football, as in war.

3. Never tip against thine own team

Russell Crowe came about 77th out of 80 in an NRL tipping comp a few years ago when his team, the South Sydney Rabbitohs, came last. At least his conscience was clear. If your team’s going down, do the decent thing and go down with them.

4. Restraineth thyself from tipping gratuitous upsets

Don’t try miracle tips, even if you fall behind in your comp. The people who win tipping comps are the ones who get the 50/50 contests right.

5. Ignoreth the odds of those swine known as bookmakers

Many tipping sites now include odds, both as a guide and an enticement to bet. Ignore them. It’s amazing how often the odds can distract you and make you second guess your gut instinct.

6. Thou shalt not lamenteth thy outrageous fortune, nor gloateth around the water cooler on Monday morning

Had a good weekend on the tip? Had a shocker? Either way, go and tell someone who cares. In other words, just shut up.

7. Changeth thy tip and inviteth the cruel hand of fate

Never, ever change your tips after you’ve entered them. Nothing is more certain to make a meteorite crash into your star fullback three minutes into the game.

8. Tippeth a team the week after its coach has been sacked

By midseason, as the heads start to roll, smart tippers will tip the team playing under a new coach to win their first game. The week after, go back to tipping them to lose.

9. Refraineth from tipping only favourites

The Lord likes unpredictability. That’s why he invented weather. And Courtney Love.

10. Heedeth not the counsel of those villains known as “experts”

In tipping, no one is an expert. How else do vacuous FM radio hosts win tipping comps?

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36 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • Jack Gibson's ghost says:

      06:45am | 12/03/10

      “So how’s the US going with that war in modern day Mesopotamia anyway?” Er, it’s been more or less over for 18 months and they had a thumping victory.

      Reply

    • Matt says:

      08:28am | 12/03/10

      Yeah that Mesopotamian thing’s a bit like St George/Wests in ‘63 (without the end-of match captains’ cuddle).

      Wests might have claimed they played the better match and were robbed, but look at the scoreboard.

    • Wispy of windy hill says:

      11:49am | 12/03/10

      Paddy…. go the bomber, they will win the flog!! The Tiges are no good, they will win 1 game and finish last

    • Paddy Harrington says:

      06:58pm | 14/03/10

      Get your hand off it Wispy…..

    • Sam says:

      08:34am | 12/03/10

      @Jack Gibson…

      “victory” if the objective is “control oil supply” or “setup base to ensure Israel’s security” or “setup base to reassure Saudi concerns”

      “collosal failure” if the objective is “rid Middle East of WOMD” or “capture Osama Bin Laden” or “defeat Taliban” or “defeat Terrorists” or “bring democracy to Middle East” or “bring stability to Middle East” or “do the right thing for the people of Iraq” or “control radical Islam” or “exact punishment for 911 criminals”.

      thumping victory my arse, it’s just another Vietnam and the only winners have been Lockhead and Martin and Haliburton. The American people are now in deep economic strife, and there’s still nothing to stop 911 from happening again tomorrow.

      Wake up and smell the stench of 1,500,000 dead bodies… and counting.

      Reply

    • Macon Paine says:

      09:00am | 12/03/10

      Wow Sam you dont waste anytime nailing your colours to the mast do you! The article is about footy tipping and you want to start irrational raving about the Iraq war. I have a commandment for you “Put down the cool aid’!
      Sam, how about providing some sources for all of your assertions so we can verify what your saying. Your making the claims here so the burden of evidence is on you.
      By the way Sam, relax it’s friday!

      @ Jack Gibson’s ghost: Well you’ve done it now Gibbo, they are coming out of the woodwork!

    • Jack Gibson's ghost says:

      09:06am | 12/03/10

      Sam, you truly are an idiot, pushing a barrow that has long since been empty.

      Actually the real numbers are 110,000 dead (including civilians), 4000 of which are Coalition forces, the rest Iraqis (though admittedly a large number were killed by other Iraqis, whether they be suicide bombers, insurgents or soldiers fighting with the coalition). So 96% of casualties have been on one side of the war, 4% on the other. You could not have a more decisive victory if you tried.

      If you break it down further, the 110,000 deaths averages 43 deaths per day since the war began. In the 20-odd years Saddam was in charge he killed an average of 125 Iraqi’s a day for that entire period. On that basis alone, Iraq is better of to the tune of 82 people extra alive each day. That’s 29,930 a year. Yes, indeed, Iraq was much better off before this war began.

    • Sam says:

      09:57am | 12/03/10

      @Macon Paine,

      Yes you’re right, the article is about footy tipping but @Jack Gibson was the one who started “raving about the Iraq war”. I was trying to ‘reply’ to his comment, but for some reason my comment wasn’t grouped under his comment as a reply normally would be. When I started reading this article, I had a smile on my face and I found it a nice read, until I got to Jack Gibson’s comment which has ruined my life beyond repair!!! grin
      There is no more burden on me to prove anything than there is on the US to prove the war was necessary and justified. If the US can go on a murderous rampage with remote control weapons after not a single WOMD was found in 10 years, and still no sight of Bin Laden, then I grant myself license to do absolutely anything. Where’s your proof that your numbers aren’t doctored? I thought it was common knowledge that independent journalism has not been possible in Iraq (unlike Vietnam). Sounds like a formula for a cover up to me, or would you like proof that my brain has deemed that highly probable!

      @Jack Gibson, let the record indicate that you started the name calling. Since it is Friday, and it’s a particularly good Friday for me after winning some money on the Forex markets, I’ll let it slide. However, I will say that surviving Iraqis are not better off “yet” and the dead ones are never going to be better off. To measure the success of war according to the respective body counts is misleading (to be polite)... and the way you break it down to number of bodies per day is just sad (again, being polite).

      Have a good weekend, and don’t be surprised when terrorism rears it head again in a decade or two, after some Iraqi children who have lost their parents grow up full of hatred. I wonder why? I think everyone is a loser in this war.

      I tip the Hawks… are they playing?

    • Charles Kelly says:

      10:31am | 12/03/10

      Get your hand off it Sam.

    • Chris says:

      12:15pm | 12/03/10

      @Jack Gibson,

      Cannae was a thumping victory, Waterloo was a thumping Victory, Dien Bien Phu was a thumping Victory and so was Geelongs victory over the Power in the 2007 Grand Final (after all we do have a footy tipping theme). I think the war in Iraq was not a victory in any sense of the word particularly when you happen to measure it up against body counts. People who love using body counts to justify their arguements obviously have not had someone they know or love as one of those figures. Whether one million or one -someone has lost someone special and that is the perspective we should be applying.

    • Macon Paine says:

      12:19pm | 12/03/10

      @ Sam
      “There is no more burden on me to prove anything than there is on the US to prove the war was necessary and justified.”
      Absolutely pathetic argument. This is tantamount to saying “I dont need evidence, or be able to back up anything I say so just shut up and believe what I tell you”! If you believe this then your just as bad as the people you decry and the only difference between them and you is that they have power. Nice way to win people over to your side by the way.
      “If the US can go on a murderous rampage with remote control weapons after not a single WOMD was found in 10 years, and still no sight of Bin Laden, then I grant myself license to do absolutely anything.”
      Very disturbing statements. Murderous rampage? Do you think they went in killing men, women and children indiscriminatley? No WOMD in Iraq? Tell that to the thousands of Kurds that Saddam gassed. All available intelligence before and at the time of the Iraq war, including intelligence from the allies of the US, indicated Saddam had and was still attempting to obtain WOMD.
      Common knowledge that independant journalism has not been possible in Iraq? That is nothing more than pure hearsay considering your not prepared to back up anything you say but I should have expected it.
      “To measure the success of war according to the respective body counts is misleading ”
      You brought it up Einstein, you cant cry fowl about this now after you attempted to use the appeal to emotion fallacy (“Wake up and smell the stench of 1,500,000 dead bodies… and counting.”) that blew up in your face when Jack Gibson’s Ghost debunked your 1.5M deaths claim and then proceded to show that there has been less deaths per day under American occupation than under Saddams occupation!
      “don’t be surprised when terrorism rears it head again in a decade or two, after some Iraqi children who have lost their parents grow up full of hatred. I wonder why? I think everyone is a loser in this war.”
      Does not follow. You made the claim Iraq is like Vietnam, where is the Vietnamese terrorism against the US?
      “I think everyone is a loser in this war.”
      Wrong. The losers in this war are the terrorists and those who sympathise with them.

    • Sam says:

      02:20pm | 12/03/10

      Brain-dead footy tippers who can’t wait to be distracted by the next season of arbitrary random nonsense. You’d change your tune in a heartbeat if it was *your* family of innocent civilians dying in Iraq.

      99.99% of those killed were NOT terrorists. I sympathise and I’m deeply distressed by an idiot thinking that can be classified as a “thumping victory”. I’d like to thump someone right now just so I could be “victorious”!!! In a world of such filth who claim to be civilised human beings, who can blame anyone for going nuts. If you want to defeat terrorism, start by realising that dead bodies doesn’t translate to a victory in a civilised mind and you’d better start caring about others not just your own.

      Now this thread’s alive, pity it’ll be home time in a couple of hours!
      Carn the Hawks.

    • Sam says:

      03:15pm | 12/03/10

      I sympathise with :-
      (1) The innocent people of Iraq who had nothing to do with 911
      (2) The innocent Israeli families who can’t get a peaceful night’s sleep because we can’t solve problems without war
      (3) The brave, courageous, naive, admirable, youthful American soldiers who have to dodge IED’s before they’ve had a chance to finish college
      (4) The governments who are subject to the opinions of their ill-informed populace
      (5) Everyone who wants peace in a world that frankly doesn’t deserve it

      and

      (6) The footy tippers who don’t get their tips in by Friday

      Have a good weekend “Punchers”

    • Dan says:

      01:16am | 13/03/10

      Ummm, the article was about footy tipping…... Focus idiots focus!!!!

    • Macon Paine says:

      08:33am | 12/03/10

      2. If in doubt, tippeth the home team

      So how’s the US going with that war in modern day Mesopotamia anyway? That’s obviously a rhetorical question since this document was written by an omniscient being. Point is, home ground advantage is crucial in football, as in war.
      Anthony, appart from that obvious attempt at muckracking (at least I hope your muckracking) I found the article to be pretty good. In my experience you should always follow the commandments, I’ve come first and third in a tipping comp following them and 13th last year by braking about half of them!

      Reply

    • Matt says:

      08:35am | 12/03/10

      You forgot the cardinal rule: Never Tip Fremantle.

      Reply

    • Tails says:

      09:08am | 12/03/10

      Last year I used a die. Even number = home team, Odd number = Away team. I came third.

      Reply

    • Seano says:

      09:44am | 12/03/10

      I knew a guy who picked teams one year on which mascot would win a fight:

      e.g. Knights slay Dragons
      Broncos trample Bunnies
      Tigers maul Magpies

      Must have been a bad year for the eels too because he finished in the money.

    • club matt says:

      09:20am | 12/03/10

      3. Never tip against thine own team
      This is perhaps the biggest predicament a human being can face. Particularly if you are a wooden spooner. Dammed if you do, dammed if you dont.
      Never have I been more torn on a Friday afternoon when I am faced with this daunting choice.
      The best way is to select your team for every round in advance. Then come tipping deadline there is no second thoughts.

      Reply

    • chris says:

      10:19am | 12/03/10

      the worst is when you agonize all week because you know you want to tip against them and then the bastards go out and win - torn emotions

    • Len Da Hand says:

      09:36am | 12/03/10

      3. Never tip against thine own team
      I disagree with tipping your own team. on the 50/50 i tip against, that way if they win , you win on the support aspect. If they lose you can console yourself withy oh well least i got the points in the tipping competition.

      Reply

    • michelle says:

      09:37am | 12/03/10

      My four rules in tipping are as follows:
      1. NEVER tip against the Broncos. NEVER.
      2. NEVER tip the Dragons. EVER
      3. Don’t pick a hateful NSW team over a non-NSW team
      4. Win?

      The last one’s always a bit iffy.

      Reply

    • Tim says:

      11:25am | 12/03/10

      Your going to be in trouble this year.
      Rule 1 and Rule 4 are logically impossible.

    • Julia says:

      03:14pm | 12/03/10

      Sorry Michelle. I left the Broncos with Wayne.

    • Bruce says:

      09:56am | 12/03/10

      Anthony, loved this article….I love commandment number 7 “Changeth thy tip and inviteth the cruel hand of fate”...I have been caught by this so many times.

      Reply

    • Charles Kelly says:

      10:53am | 12/03/10

      Impressive job Anthony. Unlike another writer for The Punch, you’ve clearly demonstrated the ability to understand that the word “football” denotes a game comprised of various codes, NOT one code specifically above all others. I know to most of us it’s not rocket science, nevertheless it appears the concept is beyond the intellectual capacity of some less evolved people - so well done.

      Reply

    • michelle says:

      11:40am | 12/03/10

      Just because I’m not interested in AFL doesn’t give you the right to categorise me as “less evolved”. Get your hand of it, wanker.

    • Ant Sharwood says:

      11:45am | 12/03/10

      Thanks you Charles. You’re the last person I expected a kind word from. And thanks to everyone for taking the time to comment. Don’t forget to join the Punch NRL tipping league, and hopefully I’ll nudge Colgo to set up an AFL one in a week or two. I look forward to being the first to violate most of the 10 commandments, especially #6.

      In fact, I’ll start now. To those of you who warn never to tip the Dockers, sage words indeed. But get this. Last year, I won an AFL tipping comp (with only seven people in it) by two games. Guess who i tipped sucessfully three times? Even worse than the Dockers. The Demons!!!! A clearcut violation of commandment #4 there.

    • Charles Kelly says:

      06:19pm | 15/03/10

      Credit where credit’s due Anthony.

      And thanks for that michelle - your embarrassingly irrelevant rant managed to both miss my point completely, and prove it at the same time. Bravo.

    • Jenni says:

      11:00am | 12/03/10

      This was one of the funniest reads I’ve seen on The Punch in ages - thanks for putting a big Friday smile on my face :D and I have to agree 100% with Matt - never, EVER tip the Dockers wink

      I especially love the caption on the picture of Moses ROFL

      Soooooo glad footy season is back, I feel half alive without my weekend fix. Carn the Swannies (AFL) and Dragons (NRL) <3

      Reply

    • Julie Coker-Godson says:

      11:58am | 12/03/10

      I enjoyed this piece, very funny.  I’m for the Swannies and the Kangaroos (AFL) and Dragons (NRL).  I’m in terrible quandary when the Kangaroos and the Swans are playing, so on those occasions I don’t tip for either of them.

      Reply

    • Steve Irwin says:

      12:05pm | 12/03/10

      Footy tipping? that’s almost as dumb as people who buy Inside Sport or people who call themselves “Art Director”. That translates to bullshit artist doesn’t it?

      Reply

    • Pete the footy fan...almost all codes says:

      02:49pm | 12/03/10

      Ta.lk about get you hand off it….Steve what’s happened to you mate? Footy tipping’s in the blood for most of us…and it’s fun….and unlike most things all it generates a bit of gentle banter…as long as you don’t mention the war…..

    • shabangabang says:

      02:11pm | 12/03/10

      #3 put me in the crap last year cause the Roosters got the wooden spoon. Should be a better year this year.
      Also got burnt a lot by the dragons. my new rule is tip them in hard matches, tip against them in supposed walkovers.

      Reply

    • Daniel says:

      01:26am | 13/03/10

      No.3 Should read “Never tip against thine own team (unless there is money involved)”. Not exactly loyal I know, but is your team going to come around and give you your money back when you lose? I usually find that if my head tells me it’s worse than 60:40 against my team I’ll pick the other.

      However if we win I’ll happily take the hit in the tipping smile

      Just don’t get me started on super coach/dream team when it comes to divided loyalties

      Reply
 
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