Thank God there’s no such thing as “Mocember”
As the whiskers of tens of thousands of Aussie blokes wash down the drains of homes today, thousands of nubile young women are rejoicing.
It is the end of “Movember”, the month formerly known as November which raises money for prostate cancer research and initiatives to combat male depression.
While the charity is one of the most brilliant health campaigns ever enacted, women around Australia are ecstatic we no longer have to give Aussie men some lip about their top lip.
As the number of “mo bros” rose during the eleventh month, the talent pool of men attractive to the single female comparatively diminished.
Officially, 129,000 more moustaches were creeping around the country than the previous month.
While it’s obviously fantastic that nearly $20million dollars has been raised in Australia, and plenty more overseas, I’m glad to see the end of Movember for another year. It’s no secret that we modern women don’t exactly love Mos.
Sporting a hairy upper lip brings with it a strange sense of man pride that comes but once a year. Particularly strange when the aim of the game is often to grow a seedier, dirtier, creepier mo than all your mates.
Apparently the more repulsive the tache, the better. Ugh.
Rendering yourself undateable in the name of charity is the price many were willing to pay, walking around as silent billboards for the cause.
A collective groan erupted from women Australia-wide as November rolled around - it’s well known to be the longest month in the dating calendar. A quick scour of your favourite bar was like a time warp back to 1980’s. A Mo Bro would hone in for a chat, and all you could think about was “there’s no way that upper lip is getting anywhere near mine”.
This reaction would immediately be followed by a recoil and a scrunching of the nose upon realising that the Mo Bro’s mo would taste like a mix of beer froth and whatever the $10 special was at the pub that night.
The next move was a quick retreat in favour of a fresh-faced competitor. Pash rash is so not cool. Um, I’m told.
I’m sure if you looked at the stats, the number of babies born in Australia nine months after the eleventh month would be greatly diminished too.
So girls, was there any benefit for us in the month that came after Shadoween (October 31st)?
Well, I guess a mo reveals a lot about a man – specifically the type of man to avoid in the other 11 months of the year. Like the guy who grow such a thick, bushy crop that you wonder where else he’s sprouting a little too prolifically.
Then there’s the guy whose mo is so sparse that you can’t help wondering whether he’s totally progressed through the whole puberty thing yet.
As for the Mo Bro who suddenly realises he’s a ginger, that’s a whole different (and intriguing) category. Wow, who knew?
So as we say goodbye to what has been a long month of dodging porn-star lookalikes and rejecting Merv Hughes wannabes, I wonder how the men would feel if the tables were turned?
Why don’t we women retaliate by not shaving for a month. We could initiate “Growcember” or “Pitober” and see how the men like the taste of their own hairy medicine. I’m sure there’s a worthy cause we could hook up with.
Boys, I welcome your fresh faces back with open arms. It’s December 1, so ready, set, Gillette.
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