I was walking down the street yesterday, minding my own business when a young gentleman passed me wearing a Bintang singlet and a Power Balance bracelet. After I had controlled the urge to run after him and demand that he impregnate me IMMEDIATELY, I got to thinking about those all important visual cues that can help you avoid making contact with a douche bag.
Sure it’s shallow and we’re taught as young children that we should never judge a book by it’s cover, but here’s the reality. I do judge a book by its cover. All the time.
I do the same with wine. As a result I’m rarely reading Shakespeare or drinking anything that remotely resembles Grange, but when it comes to douche bags I do think there are a few reliable indicators that can help you avoid a potentially underwhelming encounter with an idiot.
Correct me if I’m wrong but we did all get the memo that these things were a complete fraud, didn’t we? The owners of the company have been forced to give out refunds and people are still wandering around with them on?
Even before the ACCC got involved, who in their right mind would buy a product that said it could improve your strength and flexibility by working with your “natural energy field”? Go and do some yoga! It’s a darn sight more effective than wearing a rubber band with a sticker on it that does nothing but herald the fact that you’re an idiot.
2. The Wolf Whistle
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, and if a wolf whistle has ever resulted in a woman dropping her strides I will eat my hat.
3. Shutter Shades
These douche bag staples experienced a resurgence thanks to Kanye West and his ‘Stronger’ film clip and quite frankly, that is where they should have stayed. Seeing as they don’t offer an ounce of UV protection, I can only assume that the wearers believe they look good and if that is the case they need to get them off immediately.
Some things are made just for music videos and publicity trails and the last time I checked, Mr Louvered Eyes, there wasn’t a throng of paparazzi following you around (although I’m sure you believe it’s only a matter of time before your undeniable brilliance is discovered). So unless you plan on really committing to it and wandering around in a Lady Gaga meat dress, your eyeballs do not need venetian blinds and you look ridiculous.
4. The Bintang Singlet
All right, we know you’ve been to Bali and you should be congratulated for being so unoriginally Australian, but as much as I don’t want to burst your bubble, people go overseas every day. I don’t see travellers fresh off the plane from Japan wandering around in a Kimono and hanging on to a pair of chopsticks.
Someone should make a shirt that says: “Look at me, I went to the same place everyone else did and bought they same shirt they bought because I can’t think for myself”. It’s essentially the same thing.
5. The Incredible Hulk
Usually found in front of a mirror at a gym, these individuals look like their trapezius muscle is trying to crawl up the back of their neck and take over their face. This look is fine for Tom Hardy in Warrior but if you’re trying to fit into a shirt in the real world it’s ridiculous.
The point of going to the gym is not to end up looking like Quasimodo, so do the world a favour and stretch after you work out for Christ’s sake… or work an opposing muscle for once in your life.
6. The Outdoor Gym Go-er
Often seen in Bondi doing some ridiculous Stunt Man-style exercise in a pair of budgie smugglers, these exhibitionists claim they are getting healthy and working on their tan at the same time. Someone needs to point out to them that this is, in fact, an oxymoron.
7. Pointy Dress Shoes
If you are insecure about the fact that you have small feet then wearing a pair of clown shoes is not going to make anyone believe you’re a size 14. Plus, who cares! If you actually think that a woman looks at your shoes and judges the size of your manhood then you are going after the wrong ladies. Your shoes shouldn’t look like you could serve a piece of cake with them.
8. Ed Hardy
I think we can all agree on this one. Men should not wear clothing that has been bedazzled. End of story.
9. Highlighter boys
Come festival season, flocks of douche bags can be seen covered head to toe in fluorescent colours (usually accompanied by item number 3). Somebody needs to inform them that they do not look like a gang of awesomely cool dudes, they look like a packet of Faber Castel highlighters, and I’d imagine that the conversation with them would be just as riveting.
10. Crocs
These shoes get a bad rap. And with good reason. They look ridiculous. In fact, they probably aren’t so much a douche bag indicator as they are an indicator that you’re in the company of my father.
The rubber is fooling no one. They are clogs and the last time I checked nobody thought clogs were cool. The same can probably be said of reef walkers. As far as I can see there is no reef in Coles so do the world a favour and buy a pair of thongs.
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