When Tiger played the Australian Masters last year, he was the only story in town. His every move was scrutinised and we tripped over each other to ask him really, really dumb questions.
This year, meh. Tiger’s playing golf somewhere, pass the pretzels.
But for those of you experiencing a major letdown at the lack of buzz over Tiger, worry not! Melbourne is world-renowned as a fabulously exciting city, especially in Melbourne itself. There really are so much attractions that don’t involve chasing around the world’s most famous philanderer and occasional golfer. Like these things!
Giant balls of string
OK, so the Chaser made this joke before I did. But that giant ball of string is out there somewhere, I’m sure. And just wait’ll this big cat finds it…
The start of the AFL season
Sure, it’s not exactly this week, but it’s only 133 short days away. And it’ll be here before we know it what with the usual wave of summer player scandals sure to start any day now.
The sate election campaign
If current polls are to be believed, the Greens vote will be so big that Federation Square will be converted to a forest of Mountain Ash. Which isn’t such a bad thing as one day it will inevitably burn to a crisp.
Craig Parry’s beer gut
Find Tiger boring, but still need a golfer to follow at the Masters? Try this guy. I interviewed him once while he was eating bacon, eggs and sausage. Totally. True. Story.
Trams!
If you don’t find these clunking, unwieldy relics exciting, you really are in the wrong city. What’s not to love about paying a robot machine to transport you slower than walking pace?
Bagging Sydney
A favourite Melbourne pursuit which never goes out of season. Doesn’t cost the taxpayer $3 mill, either. You might also try bagging Adelaide, but not in front of an Adelaidean, as you’d hate to give them the satisfaction you know their city exists.
The pokies at Crown
Such excitement. So many dazzling lights. Free childcare in the car park too.
Zipping in the Sandown Classic
Lloyd Williams’ superhorse has won the Melbourne Cup after-party, the Sandown Classic, the last three years, and goes for number four on Saturday. I snuck off to watch him last year during a quiet period in the golf. Don’t tell my editor!
Laneways!
Is there anything in the world more exciting than narrow cobblestoned alleys? Never mind the smell of rubbish in those huge industrial skips, or the bankers’ BMWs squooshing you against the wall as they exit their parking lots. They’re laneways! They’re Melbourne! They’re exciting!
The Souvlaki Hut, 503-505 Cheltenham Rd, Keysborough
This otherwise unremarkable fast food outlet is not too far from Victoria Golf Club and seems like just the place for one of Tiger’s famous romantic carpark liaisons. Failing that, you can pick up a simple but delicious lamb gyros.
Of course, there are obviously countless other dazzling Melbourne sights and sounds that make Tiger’s visit this week seem so, like, dated and 2009. Your thoughts?
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