Hello from the Masters, where the action is as hot as the weather. No, scratch that. Nothing is hotter than eight hours of blazing Melbourne sun.
I’ve just spoken with a 28 year old Australian golfer called Tim Wood. Poor old T Wood isn’t quite as famous as T Woods. In fact, he’s just missed the cut, which for you golf illiterates, means he finished in the bottom half of the field and has been eliminated.
Before Tim left the course in a car which was most definitely not a limousine, I caught up with him in order to paint a contrast of life on the right and wrong side of golf’s tracks.
NICKNAME
T Woods: “Tiger”. (His real name’s Eldrick)
T Wood: The Wounded Seagull. It’s a long story.
MARITAL STATUS
T Woods: Married to a beautiful ex model. Two kids.
T Wood: Single.
RESIDENCE
T Woods: Has five deluxe houses around the world, at least one of which cost over $US 20 million.
T Wood: “I’m living at my Mum and Dad’s and I sleep where the dogs sleeps. Times are tough, mate.”
CAREER EARNINGS TO DATE
T Woods: Over a billion in prize money and endorsements.
T Wood: “Between $100,000 and $200,000 over four years of being a pro golfer.” That’s nowhere near enough to pay for the travel, accommodation, gear etc.
DRESS STYLE
T Woods: Stylish Nike shirt and tailored duds with perfectly ironed crease.
T Wood: Ernie and Bert style striped shirt, grey pants and red visor. Who the hell wears visors of any colour in 2009?
BODY SHAPE:
T Woods: Ripped
T Wood: Portly
FACE
T Woods: clean shaven
T Wood: dodgy facial hair under chin. “Movember” no excuse.
PERSONALITY
T Woods: Intense. Likeable.
T Wood: Laid back. Likeable.
AUSTRALIAN MASTERS CHEER SQUAD
T Woods: 22,000 mad golf fans. And his Mum.
T Wood: a bunch of locals from his home club of Rosanna who are working as volunteer course marshals.
2009 IN SUMMARY
T Woods: Didn’t win one of golf’s four Majors but has had eight victories elsewhere (to date) and earned a $US10 million bonus for winning a thing called the FedEx Cup.
T Wood: “Shithouse. Very ordinary. I just haven’t hit the ball as good as I have in the past, which has put too much pressure on the rest of my game.”
WEEKEND PLANS
T Woods: win a golf tournament he currently leads by three strokes. Curse occasionally.
T Wood: “I’ve got plenty of work to do. I’ll hit the driving range and keep working on what I’m working on and keep getting closer. Mind you, when I heard Matty Richardson had retired, I pretty much lost interest in everything.”
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