Suburban tales: And the van had ‘Sex Party’ written on it

Police confirmed that on seeing the sign, several parents got more than a little concerned at the possible goings on in the van. The Stonnington Leader reports that Ms Patten diffused the situation with a couple of how to vote cards, and then went on to draw 3.2 per cent of the primary vote.

Meanwhile, in Sydney, Sex Party candidate Marianne Leishman polled in third place behind the Libs and the Greens, but before the Christian Democratic Party, which threw nine candidates into the mix. 

The final tally, according to the North Shore Times: Ms Leishman drew 3.29 per cent while her closest CDP rival drew just over 1 per cent. In the time-honoured tradition of snapping pollies in unsettling poses

The Times also took the opportunity of the by-election to get a photo gallery of one of Ms Leishman’s other pursuits - pole dancing.

While we’re in the nation’s largest metropolis - if you live in Penrith, put away the flowers and bad teenage poetry, you’re no good as a Romeo.

So get back in your Datsun 120Y, grab a slice of capricciosa and let those jeans drop back below the crack line.

A poll printed in the Penrith Press asked locals to rate themselves on a romance scale.

The results for the townsfolk of Penrith? 6.3 out of 10. A local florist backs up the result, saying some of the most popular flower messages she has been asked for are: ‘Sorry I went out drinking last night’, ‘Sorry I forgot our anniversary’ and ‘I don’t know why you’re cranky with me, but I’m sorry anyway’.

In Bah Humbug news, it’s the season to be merry, except when you’re stuck waiting to get into or out of a shopping centre car park during a Christmas shopping binge.

In this spirit of bad will to all mankind, a collection of brazen Perth ruffians were no doubt enacting many of their countrymen’s darker Christmas fantasies this week when they took some knives to an 8m-high inflatable plastic Santa at a Spearwood shopping centre.

The Fremantle-Cockburn Gazette reports police are after information on the vandals, who also covered the centre in graffiti, requiring a three-day clean up, and presumably the acquisition of an equally impressive inflatable Christmas decoration.

Very poor form guys. Next time, just seethe behind the steering wheel like the rest of us.

And lastly, in a special suburban tales cosmetics supplement, a beauty advisor from Canterbury - one of Melbourne’s leafier suburbs - claims that all women need to do to gain taut and youthful appearance is a 10-minute bout of pulling some aesthetically-correct faces.

The Progress Leader reports Gregory Landsman, himself chiselled to almost Zoolander-like perfection, has written a book called Face Fitness.

The tome goes step by step through a series of face exercises that is says will take 10 years off your mug, without resorting to surgery or Photoshop.

More info can be found at the gent’s website. We will assume that in an intro page that lists New York, Paris, London, Milan and Tokyo as his centres of activity, the omission of Canterbury was merely an oversight.

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