WELCOME to another journey around the dilapidated tennis tables and half-finished construction projects in the back sheds of suburbs around our nation.

Graffiti from the improbably-punctuated ?Thoughtcrime

We start this week’s shambolic ramble in the southern parts of Melbourne, where life can move slowly, especially when you’re strapped to a turtle.  Edithvale resident Helen Beaumont is just such a person. 

She has found the zen-like state of happiness that can only come from harnessing up a reptile with a makeshift doggy lead and walking it slowly down a beach.

Mollie (the turtle), met Helen (not the turtle) a year ago, when Helen’s kids picked the animal out as a present. It was love at first sight, according to Helen.  We haven’t sought comment from Mollie. 

We move on to a tale of two cities and two graffiti artists.

One, a reclusive gent named Arthur Eternity Stace, anonymously got out the chalk and took to Sydney sidewalks with a one-word message, decades before university socialist clubs jumped on the bandwagon.

Contrast this with the improbably punctuated ?Thoughtcrime, an anonymous stencil maker who has started plying their wares in some of the trendier locales in Melbourne’s inner north. Thoughtcrime’s shtick is to spray dictionary definitions of underused words such as ‘perspicacious’ and ‘grimcrack’ on local walls.

It’s a worthy notion to increase the vocabulary of the already wordy denizens of the area. Unfortunately it’s is somewhat undermined by the fact that ?Thoughtcrime’s own stencil-based vocabulary runs to only three words. (I’d like to suggest ?Thoughtcrime’s next explanatory effort should be the word ‘fail’, as no one using Facebook seems to know how to use it properly).

?Thoughtcrime has nevertheless become somewhat of a local celebrity.  Instead of waving a walking cane at this literate outlaw, local storeowners have welcomed the graffiti on their shopfronts, hailing it as exactly the sort of edgy (but in no way offensive) street art that will give their places of business a bit of shabby chic.

So, while Sydney had Eternity, Melbourne now has, well, something that will probably just turn out to be yet another annoying viral marketing campaign. Does this say something about the two cities? I hope not.

We leave you this week a Sydney wedding with a twist.

In a radio-sponsored ‘cougar’ wedding, Kellie Wilkins, 41, and Simon Kimpton, 24 tied the knot. The pair met five years ago while playing the supreme online time-waster World of Warcraft - a happy place where blood-elf sharmens are blind to age difference.

Suburban Tales confidently predicts a long and happy marriage for the couple. This is partly because you can’t be a Warcraft widow if you’re the one holding the +1 mace next to your husband, and you can be sure your man isn’t getting drunk again with his dickhead mates if he’s the one passing around the mana potions.

Get more suburban tales @suburbantales.

Most commented

12 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • Crusader says:

      01:09pm | 26/02/10

      Great story!
      Graffiti that aims to expand the vocabulary of its viewers? Brilliant.
      I second your opinion of facebook users’ use of the word fail, too. Fail is a verb. Failure is the noun.

      And as for the couple who married because of their mutual love for Azeroth and each other - good luck to them. Just a pointer that blood elves actually don’t have the option of training to become shamans, or “sharmens”.

      Good point about the age difference though. As for the “supreme online time-waster”, you could apply the same description to facebook.

    • erbert says:

      01:33pm | 26/02/10

      Jonty Burton, you’re a funny bugger.

    • It all about the words you use. says:

      02:33pm | 26/02/10

      just another nom de plume for noms de guerre

    • 6clegs says:

      03:10pm | 26/02/10

      I’d like to meet Helen and Mollie. The wordy-wanker of Melbourne? meh.
      But perhaps he will read this, or one of his friends will, and buy him a bigger dictionary?

      Thanks, Mr Burton, i enjoy your stories.

    • formersnag says:

      03:43pm | 26/02/10

      Cougars are women who can niether find or keep a “real Man” who is closer to her own age group. I have met some of these couples and it was always about power & control over the younger man, did not last or end well.

    • Jeefunk says:

      03:46pm | 26/02/10

      I can imagine thousands of geeks upgrading their armour and shields. Could also be a problem with the supply of spells related to invisibility. And is it true the fresh water turtle takes dips in the ocean? *Fail*

    • Cantgrope Oligopoly says:

      04:14pm | 26/02/10

      Geez how about lifting thine myopic vision from the SE of Australia dudes?

    • eye4aneye says:

      04:17pm | 26/02/10

      Still not sure what the point of the article was or even if it had a point - but I enjoyed it more than some of the very pointed articles I’ve read on here….+ I like turtles

    • Jonty Burton says:

      11:18am | 01/03/10

      We try to have as little point as humanly possible in the Suburban Tales column. Oh, and we like turtles too. Except for one of the subeditors who checks our copy.  That particular journo is indifferent to all reptiles.

    • Shane From Melbourne says:

      07:54pm | 26/02/10

      Anti World of Warcraft article = epic fail.

    • Sam Chowder says:

      11:10pm | 26/02/10

      Gratuitus cougar references - how naff

    • Buboe says:

      03:46pm | 02/03/10

      Come on Jonty.
      Blood elf’s can’t be shamans.
      L2P Noob

 

Facebook Recommendations

Read all about it

Punch live

Up to the minute Twitter chatter

Malcolm Farr

@nigelmcbain I don't see the nexus between gay marriage and gay sex education in schools. ACL does. Health issues should be taught whatever

Daniel Piotrowski

@jennijenni a few companies are known to do that - ask for story ideas from job applicants so they can steal them later

Malcolm Farr

: Bruce Springsteen: "I get roughed up crowdsurfing… people try to pull chunks out of me" http://t.co/jiHqt8agt9” it was him, @patricklion

Daniel Piotrowski

Ray Hadley fires back at Carlton. Great @candacesutton1 get: http://t.co/7fQzk4Xixh

Recent posts

The latest and greatest

The Punch is moving house

The Punch is moving house

Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…

Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?

Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?

I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…

Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”

Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”

In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…

Nosebleed Section

choice ringside rantings

From: Hasbro, go straight to gaol, do not pass go

Tim says:

They should update other things in the game too. Instead of a get out of jail free card, they should have a Dodgy Lawyer card that not only gets you out of jail straight away but also gives you a fat payout in compensation for daring to arrest you in the first place. Instead of getting a hotel when you… [read more]

From: A guide to summer festivals especially if you wouldn’t go

Kel says:

If you want a festival for older people or for families alike, get amongst the respectable punters at Bluesfest. A truly amazing festival experience to be had of ALL AGES. And all the young "festivalgoers" usually write themselves off on the first night, only to never hear from them again the rest of… [read more]

Gentle jabs to the ribs

Superman needs saving

Superman needs saving

Can somebody please save Superman? He seems to be going through a bit of a crisis. Eighteen months ago,… Read more

28 comments

Newsletter

Read all about it

Sign up to the free News.com.au newsletter