Strike me pink it’s the crap OZ cinema drinking game
There is movement at the police station, for the word has passed around, that there won’t be any piss on Australia Day.
While we’re hardly about to dip our toes back into the dry waters of prohibition on Fair Dinkum Day, the NSW police appear to be flying in the face of our deep seated tradition of inebriation, seeking to ban take-away sales of any beer worth bottling and proposing some sort of two can limit, as if the boundary at the SCG now stretched past Broken Hill.
And while one of our many national shames is indeed the battle of the binge, for me the only thing worse than our inability to keep our elbows from bending is our inability to make a film that looks like it hasn’t just fallen from a blue cattle dog’s bumhole.
As un-patriotic as it makes me, I just can’t stand Australian cinema. Tall tales, crazy hijinks, eccentric characters, stereotypes of stereotypes; the local cinematic shit parade doled out on our silver screens is mindboggling. I honestly don’t know why we suck so hard at it.
Yes we have been known to get it right, but seeing a good Aussie film is like catching a glimpse of Halley’s Comet, only slightly more entertaining. “Ok look through this high powered telescope into the universe of Australian cinema. See those three beautiful but tiny stars? That’s the Chopper nebula, The Castle galaxy, and the Mad Max milky way. The rest of the void… yeah that’s all straight to DVD”.
And in the ding dong battle between our booze and the box office, I’d rather be known as the nation who could drink Oktoberfest under the table then drink the table, than the “loveable larrikins” responsible for that f#$king Kenny movie.
But perhaps something can be done. Maybe if we butt these heads together, these two wrongs can make some sort of right, because as we all know there’s nothing that turns average experiences into memorable occasions better than drinking.
So with that may we now present you with The Great Australian Cinema Oz Day Drinking Game. Stay at home, grab some mates, gather round the idiot box, and can on for Oz.
1 slab of VB (bare minimum)
1 VB singlet per participant (variations of “Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 1892” t-shirts are also acceptable)
1 Miss Nude Australia stubbie holder per person
1 DVD player
1 couch with green and gold crochet throw-over
1 emergency cask of Chardonnay (in case any sheilas drop by)
*Warning: The coin is not for drinking. Ideally the coin should be a Charles and Di Jubilee edition 50c piece to make the day as patriotic as possible. It must be tossed at the beginning of proceedings, the loser then nipping down to the local video shop to hire some or all of the following films:
Crocodile Dundee II
Gladiator (nb: Yeah we know it’s not Australian, but it’s got Russ in it, and you’re hardly going to hire the one where he’s pashing on with John Polsen are ya poof)
Mad Max (not the third one)
Priscilla Queen of the Desert
NB: Under no circumstances are you to attempt to play this game while watching Baz Luhrmann’s Australia. For your own safety we actually advise drinking heavily before watching this movie, thus any extra-added gameplay could put you greatly at risk of either sudden death or actually liking the film.
The amateur drinking gamer will rush out and start smashing cans before the starter’s whistle has been blown and the first vid is fired up, and will be in a coma before the first turning point. But we recommend that the professional amber sportsman warm up in the practice nets with a few schooies of good ‘ol Aussie tap water.
Throughout your viewing of some of the best bloody films ever made mate, certain stereotypical events will transpire. These are known to the film industry as “endearing moments in Australian film history”, but known to you as penalties. See the penalty, drink the slab. Easy as.
We suggest printing a copy of these out on paper and inserting in a beer proof plastic sleeve, so the rules are still easy to read after you’ve spilt a beer/had a slash/thrown up on it.
“I (insert name here) agree to sup a substantial amount of fair dinkum Aussie mother’s milk every time…”
A character uses the word “mate”.
A kangaroo or native bush animal appears in an inappropriate location.
An American ‘just doesn’t get it’.
A loveable but dysfunctional family acts lovably and dysfunctionally.
Someone from the bush makes a homosexual slur (but ends up wearing a dress later in the film).
A now Hollywood mega star appears in a 12-year-old bit role.
A self-proclaimed ‘Aussie battler’ encounters unfair adversity.
A V8 engine is revved (Holden only).
An Aboriginal character acts smugly about the white man’s plight towards spiritual nihilism simply because he does not respect the land.
A local landmark appears causing a player to shout, “Hey, that’s just down the road from Wazza’s!”
An ugly bird becomes a stunner simply by removing her spectacles.
Strike me pink!
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