Stop horsing around and hail our glorious leaders
Earlier this week, we learned that North Korean dictator and supreme being Kim Jong-un is the “Genius of Geniuses”.
This life-changing knowledge flowed gently into our puny human brains through the magic of a video presumably produced by Kim Jong-un himself.
So far, no one - except a bunch of people in gulags - has disputed this. And why would you? Who wouldn’t want a leader who is the official Genius of Geniuses? A crazy person, that’s who.
North Korea has had an exceptional run of leaders. From eternal presidents to world champion golfers born under double rainbows to a chubby twenty-something who can command 1.2 million troops to wage endless, merciless war with only his mind (and his mouth).
People routinely mock the DPRK, but clearly they are doing something right.
All these years we’ve had it backwards. We’ve been howling about our leaders’ imperfections when we should have been pretending they don’t exist.
It’s the perfect system - anyone can be immortalized as the greatest leader ever born.
Whining about politicians’ failures and general incompetence is so draining.
And just think of the marching! Oh the marching! Why spend money on pitiful pump classes and running gear when you can endlessly raise your knees and feet in honour of our wondrous leader’s eternal life? Fitness and physical harmony would flow through our devoted bodies as we trudged in unity to the pleasing drone of “left, right, left”.
And the art! Instead of pompous, elitist portraits of mere mortals, the Archibald Prize would be dominated by images of our chosen leader doing wondrous things. This year’s collection, for instance, would feature such artistic classics as: Gillard riding a unicorn, Gillard riding a tank, Gillard riding a dragon and Gillard riding a motorbike. I’m talking about real art that can be enjoyed by real Australians.
But that’s not even the best part. No, the best part is that we get to make up awesome back stories for all our politicians.
Did you know, for example, that Tony Abbott was forged in the fires of Mount Doom and born to a fierce eagle and mighty leopard? A shooting star swallowing a rainbow heralded his birth, while a thousand renditions of Daryl Braithwaite’s Horses spontaneously broke out across the nation’s pubs.
Then there’s Julia Gillard, a world mixed martial arts champion, who was forced to fight her twin in the final round of an international competition hosted by Jet Li and a mysterious hooded figure with glowing eyes.
Her predecessor, Kevin Rudd, is said to appear in the background of countless ancient paintings and is believed to have invented the Matrix. In 2007, Rudd folded 2000 paper cranes in one sitting. When he returned three days later, the cranes had transformed into 500 puppies, which greeted their new master with joy and adulation.
And let’s not forget the time Bob Katter repelled an entire armada of Vikings from the shores of north Queensland. As their horned helms crept into view, Katter grinned - his eyes narrowing at the horizon and his shotgun resting on his shoulder. As the boats loomed over the waves and their drunken calls of bloodlust washed over the townspeople, Bob, son of Katter, stood firm. “Begone!” he cried, arms outstretched. “Begone!” And the Sun turned an ominous red and the seas boiled, as sails melted and grown men cast their swords into the bubbling waters with trembling hands.
So this year, Australia, let’s follow North Korea’s shining example and be confident that we – with a little lunacy and imagination – can one day produce our own Genius of Geniuses.
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Up to the minute Twitter chatter
Amen, Senator... John McCain To Tim Cook: ‘Why The Hell Do I Have To Keep Updating Apps On My iPhone?’http://t.co/V9XIbzw752
@nigelmcbain I don't see the nexus between gay marriage and gay sex education in schools. ACL does. Health issues should be taught whatever
@jennijenni a few companies are known to do that - ask for story ideas from job applicants so they can steal them later
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