Spare a thought for the pathetic this Christmas
In a few weeks’ time, most of us will be sprawled out on the floor, muttering incoherently and licking flecks of gravy from the backs of our hands.
But not everyone will get to enjoy the holiday season - from the thousands of unimpressed cats who will spend hours desperately clawing at their “adorable” Santa hats and angel wings, to that one guy who is pretty sure everyone on his gift list wants bath salts for Christmas.
These are the people for whom we should spare a thought as we eat, drink and nap our way through a relatively stress-free and rejuvenating festive season.
Pray, for instance, for those shopping centre Jolly Red Men, who must patiently listen to the most insufferable of our spawn and force belly laughs while resisting the urge to violently shake every parent in the line who thinks an iPhone is a reasonable gift for a four-year-old.
At the very least, avoid chuckling and taking “cute” pictures as your child repeatedly slams their Alvin and the Chipmunks-themed shoe into Santa’s left shin.
Direct goodwill, also, to waiting staff across the globe, who are forced each year to become reluctant mediators in marital breakdowns and vicious sibling rivalries.
Too much wine and too many in-laws ensure that most of them will have to answer the following slurred question on at least one occasion over the festive season:
“Hey! You! My husband/wife/brother/sister/father just said (insert inappropriate passive-aggressive comment) – but at least I didn’t sleep with Uncle Grant’s accountant, right?”
And they will smile politely and discretely remove the wine list, because they are infinitely professional and generous in spirit.
Keep also in your thoughts the millions of literate human beings cursed with functioning eyeballs, who must read, watch and acknowledge thousands of Christmas articles and television specials.
There are only so many Rudolph-inspired Glee costumes a person can endure before they melt into a pool of Ellen-endorsed facial creams and hairspray.
And as you slam forkfuls of delicious turkey breast into your lunch-hole, think of those about to consume dry, burnt lumps of meat because their brother-in-law is an idiot who refuses to follow the recipe, even though the exact same thing happened last year.
Or raise a glass to those who are about to unwrap a special edition National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation DVD – complete with a $2.95 price sticker thoughtfully stuck to the top left-hand corner.
Even celebrities are not immune from the Christmas blues, such as Kanye West, who will have to be told – for the fifth year in a row - that it’s not his birthday.
And take pity on Richard Branson’s personal assistant, who will realise - at no earlier than 11.57pm on Christmas Eve - that a Maserati cake is actually a cake made out of Maserati.
Then there’s Billy Bob Thornton, who will be hounded to “do Bad Santa” until he finally cracks and punches someone in the face while some fool yells “Dude! Billy Bob Thornton just went Bad Santa on some guy!”
Finally, have a drink for alleged non-robot Mark Zuckerberg, who will be forced to post cute pictures of tinsel and kittens on Facebook all day, despite not understanding why the humans are trading odd-shaped parcels and altering the interiors of their homes with plastic trees.
These are the people we should remember this holiday season.
And so, as you and your attractive family smugly drift off into your candle-lit, food-induced stupor, spare a thought for those whose Christmas highlight will be the bit where Chevy Chase almost falls off the roof.
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