With the World Cup almost upon us, a lot of soccer nuts are writing stories arguing that soccer has totally cut through, that Australia is at last a round ball nation, and that the Socceroos are “icons”.

No. Uluru is an icon. The Sydney Opera House is an icon. The baggy green cap is an icon. Collingwood is an icon. The famous “Gladiators” picture which spawned the NRL trophy is an iconic image.
The Socceroos won’t come close to iconic status until they’re something more than a rank outsider at the world’s biggest sporting event, and until they bring something recognisably Australian to their style of play.
Brazilians like to samba, and play their soccer with brilliance and flair. Germans are renowned for efficiency, much like their well-drilled national soccer team. Australians are confident, inventive and friendly. Yet our national team is stuttering, defensive and on its really bad days, thuggish.
Here’s what I want from the FIFA World Cup in South Africa. I don’t care if the Socceroos win, lose or are trampled by a rogue herd of impalas. I just want them to play in a manner which reflects our upbeat national spirit. Then, and only then, will they become figures we can all rally around.
Other Australian sporting teams have adopted elements of the Australian character to great effect. When Adam Gilchrist strode to the wicket with a 200 run deficit, he always batted like he had a 200 run surplus. The result? Avalanches of fours and sixes.
David Campese remains our greatest rugby name because he refused to let coaches drum the sheer joy of backyard improvisation out of his game. His legacy? Our first Rugby World Cup in 1991.
Attack as a method of defence is the Australian way. It’s called “having a go”. This approach makes us feel true to ourselves, and as an added bonus, it usually brings positive results.
Unfortunately, our current Socceroos team is stodge. Well, it is. And it’s run by a short-tempered Dutchman who is such a nobody on the global stage that injured German Michael Ballack told Alpha magazine he’d never heard of him.
Thanks to Pim, the Socceroos’ stated World Cup objective is to concede as few goals as possible, and maybe sneak one here or there. Remember the flood of angst against the Sydney Swans when they adopted defensive “flooding” as a tactic?
The justification for Pim’s 4-3-2-1 formation (one lonely striker up front) is to try to manufacture results regardless of how ugly we look. Let me delve into my lucky dip of clichés to find a retort to that garbage.
Ah, here’s one at the top of the bag. “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game”.
Fact is, we’re not going to win the whole shebang anyway, so we might as well play some decent footy instead of, say, encouraging Vince Grella to break a few kneecaps while Josh Kennedy snoozes in the penalty box.
In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, I’m not confident about the Socceroos’ chances in the FIFA World Cup. Heck, if my AFL or NRL team had injured stars and no promising youngsters, I’d be worried about them too.
On the flipside, our best XI are wily and experienced. They aren’t pretty or quick, but neither were Italy last time, and they hoisted the trophy.
So with luck, sure, the Socceroos could emulate or even exceed their highly-celebrated 2006 performance of one win, one draw and two losses. Whether they reach national treasure status is another matter entirely.
SPECIAL BONUS SECTION! Five key points for commenters who can’t be bothered reading the whole piece.
1. This is not an anti-soccer yarn. It’s just to point out that our national team is still a work in progress, both on the field and off it. Sheesh, we can’t even entrust one of our own to coach it! And bear in mind that no nation, ever, has won the World Cup with an imported coach.
2. Like me, The Punch is not anti soccer. That why its soccer mad editor, David Penberthy, is currently in South Africa filing away like a bastard.
3. I call soccer “soccer” rather than football, so as not to confuse anyone. Also, the English invented the game, and the term “soccer”, and since they’re rather fond of the sport, I’ll happily follow their lead.
4. Irrespective of my general feeling of gloom towards the Socceroos’ chances in South Africa, I will be cheering for them. Like mad. Late at night. Obnoxiously. God help the cabbies.
5. One last time, I would remind all soccer nuts that to criticise the national team is not to criticise the sport itself, nor to advocate the dominance of the AFL/NRL/cricket hierarchy. Nor is it to degrade the legacy of figures like the late great Johnny Warren. If anything, the ability to cop criticism without hysterical retorts is exactly what the insular game of soccer needs if it’s ever to unseat the dominance of the other sports. Warren himself would have wanted that.
Facebook Recommendations
Read all about it
Punch live
Up to the minute Twitter chatter
Recent posts
The latest and greatest
We don’t deserve this huge, exciting scientific project
I’d like to be able to say that sharing the world’s largest radio telescope with South Africa…
Mining money talks the loudest in Australian politics
When North Queensland Liberal MP George Christensen got the idea of launching a new political organisation…
Please enter your password
Help! I’ve succumbed to a crippling modern illness that can strike at any moment. Symptoms include:…
Gentle jabs to the ribs
They must pay for one’s bitter disappointments
A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not… Read more
Most commented