If you do have a 12-year-old daughter you probably already know that Lily Allen is touring here at the moment. They’ve probably begged you to let them go to the concert - and you may have relented.
I’ll be there on Tuesday night with a bunch of 14-year-olds who are much cooler than I was when I was their age, and I’m really looking forward to it. Allen is very entertaining, her melodies are infectious, and she even manages to infuse some her her tunes with the kind of lessons you want young girls to learn (see above video of the very clever The Fear).
But there will be five minutes during the concert when I’ll be cringing in the corner as I look around at a room full of gorgeous young girls, who no doubt know every word of Allen’s latest single Not Fair and will be singing along with gusto. Believe me, if you’re little one is an Allen fan you probably don’t want to know the lyrics.
Oh he treats me with respect
He says he loves me all the time
He calls me 15 times a day
He likes to make sure that I’m fine
You know I’ve never met a man
who’s made me feel quite so secure
He’s not like all them other boys
They’re all so dumb and immature
There’s just one thing
that’s getting in the way
When we go up to bed
you’re just no good
Its such a shame
I look into your eyes
I want to get to know you
And then you make this noise
and it’s apparent it’s all over
It’s not fair
And I think you’re really mean
I think you’re really mean
I think you’re really mean
Oh you’re supposed to care
But you never make me scream
You never make me scream
Oh it’s not fair
And it’s really not ok
It’s really not ok
It’s really not ok
Oh you’re supposed to care
But all you do is take
Yeah all you do is take
Oh I lie here
in the wet patch
In the middle of the bed
I’m feeling pretty
damn hard done by
I spent ages giving head
Then I remember
all the nice things
that you ever said to me
Maybe I’m just overreacting
maybe you’re the one for me
There’s just one thing
that’s getting in the way
When we go up to bed
you’re just no good
It’s such a shame
I look into your eyes
I want to get to know you
And then you make this noise
and it’s apparent it’s all over
And - well, it goes on and on and you’ve probably read enough.
A couple of months ago there was a huge stink about the Britney Spears song If You Seek Amy (say it slowly). Yet I haven’t heard anyone bat an eyelid about Not Fair. Maybe it’s because Allen delivers her particular brand of pop with a charming Pommy accent that no-one cares.
Just don’t say you weren’t warned when from the back seat of your car on the way to tennis your Year-7 lovely starts singing about the wet patch.
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