The 10 greatest ‘-gate’ scandals of all time

What is the criteria for- Gate-worthiness?

First, legitimate –Gates must have something to do with politics and some form of scandal or cover-up of illegal activity.

Secondly, The presence of secret information from a Deep Throat (sorry, not you Godwin) to increase the tension.

Thirdly, the –Gate must have a functional purpose in allowing news editors to reduce complex and wordy stories into a tabloid-friendly format.
And finally, and most importantly, it must deliver a scalp; because, let’s face it, who would remember that Washington hotel if Nixon had not fallen on his sword?

So, without further ado, The Punch’s inaugural –Gate guide (based on extensive research with friends, colleagues and Wikipedia)

1. Iran Contra-Gate (1986) The first of the modern -Gates and like Watergate, close to securing a presidential scalp as the scandal over how CIA funds to free American hostages in Iran were diverted into US-backed forces attempting to overthrow a democratically elected government in Nicaragua. Paralysed the first Reagan Administration and gave the world Ollie North.

Gate-worthiness rating: 8.5. Had all the key elements except the scalp

2. Camilla-gate (1992) and Squidgy-Gate (1994) Secret phone taps revealed Prince Charles wished he was a tampon, while an admirer of Princess Di used a pretty evocative pet name when calling her up, this is the point where –Gates morphed into more generic sex-scandals, setting the scene for the fresh-faced President from Arkansas.

Gate-worthiness rating: 7.5. High level of power, indirectly broke up a Royal marriage, but began the slippery slope to devaluing the -Gate.

3. The Clinton-gates (1992-2000) Apparently Clinton was responsible for more –Gates than any American president. One estimate has the –Gates at five – there was Roger-Gate (the idiot brother); Whitewater-gate (the investment gone bad) and a series of iterations surrounding Bill and a certain intern (Zipper-Gate, Cigar-Gate, Stain-Gate).

Gate-worthiness rating: 7. Sheer weight of numbers and led to an impeachment hearing.

4. Tampa-gate (2001) Gates prove more adept at breaching our national borders than boat-people. The turning back of the Tampa morphs into children overboard and the whole sorry saga provides an election platform to show the Howard Government is tough on national security.

Gate-worthiness rating: 7. The first time a –Gate has worked to the political advantage of the perpetrator of the alleged conspiracy.

5. Nipple-Gate (2004) Now things were getting really silly. Janet Jackson flashes while performing at Super-bowl, claims it is a ‘wardrobe malfunction’, leading to a series of lawsuits and penalties for obscenity.

Gate-worthiness rating: 2. Devalued the entire –Gate consensus.

6. Gong-gate (2007) Wollongong councillors and property developers swap bedroom secrets and demonstrate why the most valuable thing to leave the Illawarra is the Princes Highway.

Gate-worthiness rating: 4. It was kind of fruity, but local government is local government

7. Iguana-gate (2008) Della and Belinda’s big night out at a Central Coast restaurant goes bad. Allegations that management pressured into covering incident up. Belinda forced to take anger management lessons.

Gate-worthiness rating: 3. Gates are about abuse of power, not abusive powers. Loved the name, though.

8. Poo-gate (2008) Perhaps the silliest of all the –Gates; the controversy of kitchen dirty tricks at the Coogee Bay Hotel which left one family with a bad taste in their mouths. As an aside, can’t help noticing the proliferation of –Gates within NSW under a certain tabloid editor.

Gate-worthiness rating: 1. Not a politician in sight. No scalp either.

9. Ute-Gate (2009) So where does Ute-Gate fit in? Right now it looks like the first –Gate to result in an own goal, but there may be more muck to flow through the –Gate. In terms of our criteria, the allegations are aimed at the highest levels, the email is so secret noone can find it and it’s definitely helped the subs. As for the scalp, hold onto your hat, Malcolm.

Gate-worthiness – jury still out.

10. Water-down-Gate I would argue this is the biggest conspiracy of all. By the lazy application of the suffix we have really trivialised what was probably the most remarkable piece of political journalism of the 20th century. Months of building up a case, drawing out sources, constructing the house of cards until it came crushing down. There is a lesson here. A genuine –Gate will seldom come from a simple leak or drop from the Opposition and as long as we reward half-baked conspiracies with a –Gate, we will continue to be rewarding bad behaviour, rather than putting in the hard years to uncover it.