Looks like men are going to be OK. Some panic merchants were putting it about that the Y chromosome would eventually just pack it in, leaving Earth to the females of the species – but new research has shored up the future of the males.
Even though the Y has shrunk from 1400 genes to just 45, it’s got a fairly solid base. And even if the little guy responsible for turning boys into men does shuffle off this DNA coil, apparently men can be men without all of the men bits. Fascinating!
But revisiting comments such as those from Oxford University genetics professor Bryan Sykes – who in 2003 declared men would likely be extinct within 125,000 and that one ‘radical’ solution would be to let them go – did make me prematurely nostalgic for the days of men.
Here is an entirely non-exhaustive list of the things I would miss*.
1. Man smells. Sure, some man smells are rank. There’s a changeroom in the Adelaide parklands that smells like a goat urinated on the rotting carcass of a carrion flower. But there are many man smells I love. A freshly soaped man, a newly shaven face, and random smells you catch walking down a street that remind you of past loves. Confession time: I even like the way some men’s sweat smells. I’m probably going to wish I didn’t write that.
2. Chest hair. I know waxing and buffing and polishing and exfoliating is all the rage, but I like a pelt you can run your fingers through. Gimme a good whorl over hairless any day. And man hands. On men.
3. Male friendship. Sometimes it’s just simpler.
4. Men’s stores of esoteric knowledge. This is probably a nurture rather than a nature thing, but many men gather extremely practical knowledge on their path to manhood. Not just changing tyres, but how to manoeuvre furniture through tricky angles, how to fix things, how not to blow yourself up with gas canisters. I wonder whether this will pass as more girls are taught the practicalities of life from a young age.
5. Simple, stupid, rude jokes. I know some chicks with decent stores of fart jokes (or farts, for that matter), but on the whole men seem to be better at hoarding and releasing terrible punchlines.
6. Solutions. As a habitual overcomplicator, I love when a man uncomplicates things. Example:
Me: Oh shit. We need to leave now and there’s a stain on my shirt and I don’t have anything else clean and my hair looks like crap but I don’t even know how to style it and we’re already going to be late but we need to pick up a bottle of booze and that chick who always looks me up and down will be there sneering all night and if we don’t go now we’ll miss all the people who have to go home early to put the kids to bed and…
Bloke: Stick on a brooch and a hat and regift the bottle of bubbles in the fridge.
7. Sex with men. Well, it had to go in somewhere. No pun intended.
On the bright side, the eradication of men would mean no more Two and a Half Men… wouldn’t it?
* Yes, these are all sweeping generalisations. Yes, it’s probably a bit sexist. No, I don’t care.
Follow me on Twitter and I promise I’ll never mention sex again: @ToryShepherd
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