I was driving past an old friend’s house the other day, and my daughter noticed that she had already put up some Christmas decorations. This made me realise three things.
Firstly, that I am a bad Father. I don’t think I will get around to putting up any Christmas decorations this year. It’s not that I don’t like Christmas, in actual fact I LOVE Christmas. It’s more because I couldnt be bothered trying to find sticky tape or scissors. One day I expect to open up a draw and find a leprechaun guarding a lifetime supply of both.
Secondly, that friends are God’s ways of apologising for our families. But the most important thing I realised was that Santa Claus is a woman.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organised, warm, fuzzy, family event that involves shopping. I have a tough time believing any man could possibly pull it off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don’t go shopping until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen by Jack Frost until 9 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they call other men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the shops, they always seem surprised to find only Guylian chocolates left on the shelves. (Ladies, you might think this would send us men into a fit of panic and guilt, but to a man it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden).
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting around. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh (and which of course would have a V8 Ford Motor, fully pimped and NOS).
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
· Men can’t pack a bag
· Men don’t wrap
· Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet
· Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves
· Men don’t answer their mail
· Finally, and most obvious of all, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that another festive character is a man. Cupid, for example. I mean, the little tacker runs around in his budgie smugglers all day, and has a bow and arrow to play with.
But not Father Christmas. Father Christmas is really Mother Christmas.
And the same goes for the Easter bunny. I mean, what kind of creature brings chocolate eggs to people? Only the kind of creature that understands the need to have a substitute for sex.
I rest my case.
Seasons Greetings blah blah blah.
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