Tired of self-serving books about Australian politics in which the author is blameless but the ex-colleagues were closed-minded and unfair? Or the author had the secret to world peace but the colleagues were unfairly closed minded?

Pic: Herald Sun

Greg Rudd, brother of former Prime Minister Kevin and long a traveller in Labor circles, has an alternative that’s light years from both options. On Monday he will publish a unique tell-all ebook on Australian politics.

But a bit of a warning. It will come with a generous dose of fantasy and plain weird stuff, and does involve he future.

Mr Rudd will tell all about terrorists razing the Sydney Opera House in 2016, and how the Australian Prime Minister became an international hero by rebuilding it. But hovering over the events was a massive controlling being, the Mother Company.

He will pose such questions as: How do white doves of peace become black eyed demons of death? Who ate the children in Brazil?

As will quickly become clear to the reader, this isn’t a siblings-and-all record of current Australian politics, and it has a body count which fortunately has never been tallied in real life.

It’s an excursion into science fiction and fantasy by Mr Rudd, a consultant with extensive ties to Chinese business who plans to be an independent Senate candidate in Queensland at the next election.

He gives an occasional cameo role to his brother—he calls him  ``I’ve-got-the-biggest-brain-in-the-room, Kevin Rudd’’ - as well as to John Howard, and Gough Whitlam.

Tony Abbott is mentioned as the 28th Prime Minister of Australia who makes way for a mysterious character, Duncan Linley.

But the central character of his novel, The Two Heart Conspiracy (BWM Books), is Max Switch, an independent MP, his 12-year-old son Larry, and abducted 10-year-old daughter Emma.

“What if imagination is shifting windows into past lives helping us remember a past we want to forget?” asks a synopsis.

Current political affairs are touched on marginally but genuine history is dealt with brutally. Real characters are eliminated in nasty fashion:

“Fair suck of the sauce bottle,” exclaimed ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, jumping to his feet in righteous indignation. He pushed glasses authoritatively back onto the bridge of his quivering nose as he began an intellectual rant, outlining key points as to why Max Switch should lay down his weapon and surrender.

Max laid down fire instead and sauce flowed. People screamed. Paul Keating went down in a tirade of foul mouthed vitriol. John Howard closed his eyes and prepared to meet Menzies.

The remaining Australian ex-Prime Ministers were quick learners and turned to flee, except Tony Abbot. Tony put up two fists, took three bullets, then dropped to his knees in prayer.

Other Aussie Prime Ministers were gunned down from behind with Malcolm Fraser and Bob Hawke suffering punctured tyres as well as punctured bodies.

`God save Australia’, wheezed the towering Gough Whitlam before catapulting backward on top of a blood spattered Julia Gillard. She was covered in Gough Blood, a last great honour to die beneath the Great Man himself.

The Two Heart Conspiracy will be formally launched on October 31.

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41 comments

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    • John says:

      11:07am | 07/10/12

      Two words: Jones, Abbott.

    • Alfie says:

      01:34pm | 07/10/12

      Another two words: Dip Stick

    • JamesP says:

      01:49pm | 07/10/12

      No John. Two words: Maxine McKew

      Can’t wait for her book. Friend of the other famous Rudd and enemy of Australia’s first female PM.

    • Greg in Chengdu says:

      01:54pm | 07/10/12

      3 words ‘GET OVER IT’ That was last week a lot has happened since including Margie Abbot being unfairly criticized by the media over even mentioning a miscarriage and coming to the defense of her husband.
      Abbot had nothing to do with Jones comments and trying to put Jones’s word into his mouth just isn’t going to work. Doesn’t matter how many times you post it even on a story about parenting.
      Next election Julia is gone John so work on preparing yourself emotionally for that

    • Rose says:

      04:38pm | 07/10/12

      Greg, Abbott is absolutely linked to Jones. While not responsible for Jones’ comments, he failed to quickly distance himself from the Jones and the comments and failed to react appropriately to cut the ties between Jones and the Liberal Party. In doing so he not only ensured that the whole thing would stay on the front pages for longer than necessary. Yes the Labor Party is milking it for all it’s worth (as the Libs would do if the shoe was on the other foot), but Tony Abbott made that not only possible, but unavoidable, by not acting quickly and decisively as soon as the comments came to light. An own goal if you like!!

    • JamesP says:

      06:10pm | 07/10/12

      Rose

      Blah Blah Blah Labor Spin the fact is Abbott is not Jones and Jones is not Abbott!

    • Greg in Chengdu says:

      11:43am | 07/10/12

      Oh my god!..........words completely fail me after reading those…......highly imaginative yet terribly written excerts, especially the tacky catch phrases and mataphors. Who on earth agreed to publish this rubbish? Marvel comics?
      Malcolm did you actually read the whole thing?

    • darthseditious says:

      01:19pm | 07/10/12

      Marvel comics wouldn’t go near this dross with a very long stick.

    • Greg in Chengdu says:

      01:33pm | 07/10/12

      What about Julia? is she in the book? is she gunned down with all the other ex PMs? does she have an affair with Tony Abbott?
      Actually come to think of it, that would be a good election strategy then she could discredit him even more, walk into parliament with Tonys underwear on her head.

    • vox says:

      01:35pm | 07/10/12

      Good lad Greg. We need people like you to quickly set us straight on such things.  How dare anyone publish rubbish like, “...terribly written excerts, especially the tacky catch phrases and mataphors.”
      Greg, did you actually read your “whole thing”?.
      You should exert your influence and ask, “What does it matter for?”, or something.
      Please tell me that you vote for the Liberals. Please?

    • Bear says:

      02:45pm | 07/10/12

      I’m sure it will become a bible for the right if it’s full of crap.

    • Aussie says:

      05:01pm | 07/10/12

      @bear
      If it is full of crap then it’s a true reflection of Labor me thinks!

    • Greg in Chengdu says:

      05:31pm | 07/10/12

      Vox if you think its so good go ahead and read it. I honestly hope you enjoy it.  Personally I don’t think I’d make it through the first chapter without throwing it out.

    • Tom says:

      12:03pm | 07/10/12

      Let’s see, Rudd is an enemy of the PM. .... Rudd is telling porkies.
      Abbott is an enemy of the PM ... Abbott is bad.
      Mrs Abbott praises Abbott. ... Mrs Abbott is wrong.
      McLelland criticises the PM ... he is wrong too.
      Tanner criticises the PM ... he is wrong too.

      I think I see a pattern.

    • Greg in Chengdu says:

      12:42pm | 07/10/12

      Don’t forget Tom they are also all Mysoginists

    • Maree says:

      04:59pm | 07/10/12

      Tom: The pattern is very clear. Most half witted voters understand this. However, for some this is their rusted on position.

    • Alfie says:

      12:41pm | 07/10/12

      Delusions of grandeur must run in the Rudd family genes.

    • Bris Jack says:

      01:04pm | 07/10/12

      Not unlike the Rudd’s to publish a book or 2 when in need of a bit of publicity and Greg is standing for the next Senate election.

      Abby & Jasper, Ruby Blues and ET

    • Ryan says:

      01:13pm | 07/10/12

      I liked the chaff bag solution

    • Gratuitous Adviser says:

      03:21pm | 07/10/12

      @Ryan.  That comment didn’t work for Alan Jones.  What makes you think it is clever this time?

      By the by:  Talking about Jones.  “Macquarie suspends all advertising on Jones’s show”.  Interesting eh?? 

      I think we are going through a milestone period wrt Australian shockjocks which may just turn around the direction towards American style (Fox) journalism which we were heading.  I hope so anyway.

    • PW says:

      05:09pm | 07/10/12

      Damage control until all this blows over. I’ll be interested in whether he gets the merc back.

    • sunny says:

      01:17pm | 07/10/12

      Sometimes I wish imagination shifted windows into the place where I left my keys!

      but I had a good chuckle at this one..
      “John Howard closed his eyes and prepared to meet Menzies”

    • Mouse says:

      04:53pm | 07/10/12

      OMG, *chortle* does Johnny Howard think Menzies is God?  LOL

      Honestly, this book sounds like a bit of alright!  Maybe it should be mandatory for all who work in parliament house to read it, show them how stupid they all sound!  You would, of course, get the ones that have no humour and would take it as personal insults, then rant and rave about it.  That’d be good for sales anyway…..  LOL :oD

      PS, have you found the window where those pesky keys went yet?  ;o)

    • sunny says:

      06:20pm | 07/10/12

      Yep found my keys, they were in one of my past lives.

      I reckon there’s a few gems in every book ..hard graft to find them though smile

    • Paul M says:

      01:31pm | 07/10/12

      “Max laid down fire instead and sauce flowed.” Love it - genuinely LOLed.

    • Robert S McCormick says:

      01:39pm | 07/10/12

      “Fair suck of the sauce bottle”??
      Just goes to show what a prude Kevin Rudd is!
      He could not bring himself to say “Fair suck of the Sav” in case someone thought he was referring to oral sex with another male!!! (The ACL would have had a field day with that)
      The whole book sounds like a Great Big Spoof (NO, you dirty minded little people, NOT that sort) on Australian Politics. A Great Laugh. I may just go & buy it if only for the comedy & fun and God knows with the current swag of politicians in Canberra - no matter what colour - we could do with a bloody good laugh.

    • Bear says:

      02:48pm | 07/10/12

      The Ruddism is fair Shake of the sauce bottle. Who was the Ed?

    • Mouse says:

      04:57pm | 07/10/12

      Bear,  Kevvie’s brother wrote it but, correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t think it is supposed to be a biography!  lol ;o)

    • marley says:

      04:59pm | 07/10/12

      @Bear - I doubt there was an Ed.  This is the 21st century version of what used to be called “vanity publishing.”  Write a book and get it distributed on-line as an e-book.  The scary thing is, that if it’s true nothing ever disappears from the internet, this book could be there forever.  The mind boggles.

    • Alfie says:

      05:09pm | 07/10/12

      Rudd was a complete tool - even 70% of his Labor mates think so.

    • Ben says:

      01:01pm | 07/10/12

      >>Paul Keating went down in a tirade of foul mouthed vitriol. John Howard closed his eyes and prepared to meet Menzies. The remaining Australian ex-Prime Ministers were quick learners and turned to flee, except Tony Abbot. Tony put up two fists, took three bullets, then dropped to his knees in prayer. Other Aussie Prime Ministers were gunned down from behind…

      My God - this is nearly as frightening as a “Ditch the Witch” banner at a non-violent political rally.

    • Shane From Melbourne says:

      01:37pm | 07/10/12

      Hate to tell you, but John Howard isn’t going to meet Menzies, maybe meeting Lucifer where all the other socialist scum go, but definitely not the place where Menzies went…....

    • Mouse says:

      05:03pm | 07/10/12

      Geez SFM, lighten up! This, I am hoping, is a bit of light relief to all the nasty BS that has been going on recently.  Sometimes you just have to smile because constant tension leaves ugly lines on your face!!  lol :o)

    • marley says:

      01:46pm | 07/10/12

      This had better be one of those free e-books.  Even then, if the excerpt is any example, it’s over-priced.

    • Glenn says:

      01:56pm | 07/10/12

      I want some of what this guy is smoking.

    • andrew says:

      02:32pm | 07/10/12

      Screw the content.  We know that’s going to be lame.  But what the hell is with the jacket design?

      It looks as though it was done by a semi-retarded monkey with a copy of Photoshop Elements.

    • Mouse says:

      05:10pm | 07/10/12

      It is the ghost of a dingo, unjustly persecuted and convicted of a crime he didn’t commit, at a time when life in a lawless land was cheap and justice was swift and cruel…........ and monkeys lived free to play with their computers, including all Apps packages,  in peace.  The world was much different then….......      hehehehehehe   :oD

    • Matchofbris says:

      03:54pm | 07/10/12

      The latest terrible book. Can’t wait. LOL

    • Rose says:

      04:45pm | 07/10/12

      I was going to say that I couldn’t believe that rubbish like this could get printed, but then I remembered the Twilight series and the 50 Shades of Grey series. Although, from the bits above I think this one might be a hell of a lot worse.
      Sounds very much like a man, with seemingly very little literary talent, who is just trying to cash in on his brother’s name and fame. Not exactly good form!

    • Wilma J Craig says:

      05:57pm | 07/10/12

      Has anyone else noticed how, particularly within the ALP, their former high-fliers, head kickers such as Richardson & possibly the ALP’s most intelligent MP in recent years, the now ex-MP Lindsay Tanner always seem to turn on their own Party?
      Richardson has been on the ALP-loving ABC-TV on many occasions & has had no hesitation in bagging the current ALP Federal Government under both Kevin Rudd & Julia Gillard.
      Lindsay Tanner gave them the biggest serve of all. He was part of the Rudd Government & saw how Rudd’s assassination was engineered from within by those who only days prior had sworn Total, Complete & Continuing LOYALTY to Kevin Rudd we have no reason to not believe what he has said.
      The Libs do also turn on each other but at least they seem to wait a few years before doing so & when they do most of us just think “Sour Grapes”

    • Bear says:

      06:02pm | 07/10/12

      No ads for Alan Jones! He’s got half a show to fill.

 

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