Roll out the red carpet for a ruddy e-pocalypse
Don’t be fooled. The end is coming, and it’s coming on Monday morning. At exactly 10am, Australian Eastern Daylight Time, The Internet will explode. Fact.
In a cruel confluence of major events, the Labor leadership ballot will clash with the Oscars, and Australia’s mass consumption of digital media will cause the webz to buckle under the weight of its own Wi-Fi. Or something.
And as the internet slips into oblivion, so too will human existence. Why? Because South Park said so. Plus hyperbole is fun. The Mayans have long predicted the crumbling of civilisation will transpire on December 12, 2012, which was confirmed by the 2009 documentary 2012.
To be fair, this prediction was made before the WWW existed. But the Mayans were wrong, because on Monday morning The Internet will die. And again, don’t be fooled: that toxic overload of page impressions, click-throughs and “share-ables” will melt your face off. That’s right, yours. Indiana Jones-style.
This isn’t the Y2K bug, people. This is real. Actually it’s not, but JFK (just for kicks), let’s pretend it is. The threat’s being taken so seriously, in fact, that the good folks building the NBN are scrambling to get it online over the weekend*.
So what can you do to avoid the impending e-pocalypse? We’ve devised a five-point survival plan to help you bunker down and shield yourself from the spewing lava of #kevenge hashtags, while the cast and crew of The Artist mime their acceptance speeches.
1. Spam. Lots and lots of spam - just like you see in nuclear bunkers. You’ll need it for nutrition during those cold, lonely, web-less nights, shivering in a cold sweat when all you really want is to troll a Star Trek forum.
2. Actually forget the spam, just stock up on peanut butter. Peanut butter and seasons 1-4 of Breaking Bad. Excellent series. Nothing to do with post-e-pocalyptic survival, granted, but a crucial tip nonetheless.
3. Pencil, paper and a glint in your eye. Remember life before the internet? People wrote letters. By hand. People believed in things. Make sure the paper is a cool yellow legal pad like you see in the movies and you’d better get a pencil sharpener, too. This is no time for getting sloppy.
4. A cat - a real cat - and a Polaroid camera. And a white permanent marker. Why? Hard-copy LOLcats. I can haz survival.
5. A rubber band, a paper clip, four marbles and a poster of Richard Dean Anderson. If anyone’s going to help inspire you to create New Internet out of nothing, it’s MacGyver. Plus no-one wants a poster of David Hasselhoff, even if he did get all the chicks in Baywatch.
OK. So that’s your checklist. But you’re not out of the woods yet, friend. Even if (and that’s a big if) you manage to procure all of these must-have items, you’ll need plenty of will power. Which leaves just one loose end: how do you get will power?
No idea. You’d better Google it.
* This sentence is entirely untrue.
You can bunker down with @christoforpaine on Twitter. You know, until The Internet eats itself.