As you can probably guess it was me who hacked into the email accounts of ten senior federal ministers.

I hacked into Julia Gillard’s because I wanted to know what it was like to run a country, I hacked into Kevin Rudd’s because I wanted to know what it was like to run the world, and I hacked into Stephen Smith’s because…well, I just really wanted to get some sleep.
But what I found was deeply shocking and in yet another extraordinary exclusive I can now reveal their explosive contents for the first time…
From: Rudd, Kevin
To: Gillard, Julia
Subject: You B****
Dear Julia,
Please find attached the latest Newspoll showing that I am substantially more popular than you—although to be fair, so is tinea these days.
Anyway, am I supposed to knife you now or wait until later tonight? I only ask because you have experience at this sort of thing.
Regards,
Kevin
___
From: Gillard, Julia
To: Rudd, Kevin
Subject: Re: You B****
Dear Kevin,
I’d be interested to know precisely by what mechanism you plan to knife me as I just did my own Newspoll of Caucus and apparently I’m preferred PM by 98 per cent to two. Even Swanny could understand those numbers.
Yours in Solidarity,
Julia
___
From: Swan, Wayne
To: Gillard, Julia
Subject: Re: You B****
Dear Julia,
Kevin just told me you said I was stupid. What do you mean by that?
Confused,
Wayne
___
From: Gillard, Julia
To: Shorten, Bill
Subject: Re: You B****
Dear Bill,
Could you please put your dog on a leash? How am I supposed to run the country with Swanny emailing me all the time asking me crap like how to spell “deficit’’?
Ever yours,
Julia
___
From: Shorten, Bill
To: Gillard, Julia
Subject: Re: You B****
Dear Julia,
We’ve already discussed this: You’re not supposed to run the country, I am.
(And to a lesser extent that guy from South Australia who just popped up last year.)
Ever mine,
Bill
___
From: Rudd, Kevin
To: Shorten, Bill
Subject: Re: You B****
Dear Bill,
You dirty rat-f***er - I knew you were still pulling the strings. I am going to tear you a new a***hole so big even your own head could fit up it. By the time I am through with you you’ll have to walk sideways through doors. I cannot believe this country has gone from being run by a multilingual demigod to a s***headed oompa-loompa with a fetish for polo shirts.
F*** me.
Best wishes,
Kevin
___
From: Shorten, Bill
To: Swan, Wayne
Subject: Re: You B****
Dear Wayne,
The next time you respond to an email from me do you think you could avoid hitting “Reply all’’?
Tks,
Bill
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