Revealed! The secret Bob and Julia tapes
In yet another extraordinary exclusive, Joe Hildebrand has obtained tapes of Julia Gillard’s meetings with a key independent MP whose support she needs to form Government…
PA: Prime Minister, Mr Katter here to see you.
JULIA: Oh hello Bob, come in. Do you mind if I ask you to remove your hat?
BOB: What hat?
JULIA: Oh sorry, that’s just your, er… So can I offer you a tea or coffee or something?
BOB: Are you hitting on me?
BOB: Are you hitting on me? What, you think just because all the chicks in Mount Isa look like collapsed tents you can just waltz in here and try to pet the BobKat? Well listen here Suffragette Sadie_the Force from the North doesn’t roll with Mexicans.
JULIA: What on Earth are you talking about Bob? I just offered you a cup of tea.
BOB: Sorry, must’ve misread the signals.
JULIA: So can we count on your support in the new Parliament?
BOB: Yeah, I dunno about that Julia. When I found out you were a redneck I thought you might be alright but…
JULIA: You mean redhead.
BOB: I know what I said. Loved your first speech by the way_it’s okay to be racist and all that. Played strongly in my home state. Shame they still dumped a pile of s*** on you.
JULIA: Look, Bob that’s not what I said…
BOB: It’s okay, I know what you meant. Even the Queenslanders figured it out, although I needed a couple of whiteboards to explain it, let me tell you.
JULIA: No, I said that they weren’t racist, that was the whole point.
BOB: I know! That’s what made it so good. It’s like when I had to go on Telly and say all the sheilas in Mount Isa had faces like dropped pies. I wasn’t allowed to actually say it, I just had to get the message across.
JULIA: You can’t judge someone just because of what they look like.
BOB: I know. Political correctness gone mad, huh?
JULIA: Oh for God’s sake Bob.
BOB: Look, I’m just saying I know what it’s like.
JULIA: I’m not sure if we’re talking about the same thing. Let’s move on. What can we do for you?
BOB: Well let’s start with population. You’re reducing population growth but out here in teh regions we desperately need more people or we’re simply not going to survive.
JULIA: We could give you some asylum seekers.
BOB: Actually we’ll probably be okay.
JULIA: What about health?
BOB: Very big issue in Queensland.
JULIA: Really? What aspect of health?
BOB: Mostly Kevin Rudd’s.
JULIA: But I thought Queenslanders wanted him dead.
BOB: It’s actually much more subtle and complex than that Julia. We wanted to keep him alive so we could kill him ourselves. Have you ever seen the movie Predator?
JULIA: But we got rid of Kevin for you and offered you me instead. Why didn’t you support me?
BOB: Surprising isn’t it? I mean if there’s one thing Queensland farmers love more than unwed left-wing feminist city lawyers it’s male hairdressers. Can’t think why the focus groups didn’t pick that up.
JULIA: Oh dear. So what should we do then?
BOB: To be honest Jules, I reckon you’d have more luck with that hippie role-player from Melbourne.
JULIA: yeah, you’re probably right.
BOB: I wouldn’t try hitting on him though. Between you and me I’m not sure you’re his type if you know what I mean.
JULIA: He doesn’t like redheads?
BOB: No, he… Oh never mind. It’s all true but.
JULIA: What is?
BOB: Those Mount Isa chicks. They could frighten the back end of a horse.
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