Reclaiming the night: one woman’s story of survival

Von says:

06:34am | 22/10/09

Reclaim The Night..sad we’re still having to march after all these decades!

Bob says:

06:40am | 22/10/09

Good luck, and thank you.

SD says:

06:57am | 22/10/09

Thanks for sharing. All the best to you.

Carl Palmer says:

07:55am | 22/10/09

I am so happy that you have found someone special who will no doubt help the healing process. God bless and RTN.

Helen says:

07:57am | 22/10/09

After all this time the powers that be in the media and the courts try to make it a woman’s responsibility not to be raped. We need to turn it around to make it a cultural expectation for men not to rape. Teaching our boys that they are not entitled to womens bodies as of right, is a start.

BT says:

08:26am | 22/10/09

I personally don’t think what a person wears encourages rape, many men, women and children are raped wearing non-provocative clothing, although I can understand and sympathise with the author’s fears about wearing “sexy” (sexualised?) clothing. I myself have been mugged and it shook me up for a few days, the trauma of rape though is on a totally different plane and I’m so sorry the author went through that and hope you have received proper counselling and care. The story does not say what happened with the court case, was the perpetrator convicted?

KW says:

08:42am | 22/10/09

You are a ‘survivor’ in every sense of the word. Thank you for sharing your story on here.
Nothing every justifies rape - Helen, you are 100% right, thank you for summing it up perfectly.

Jolanda says:

09:57am | 22/10/09

Rape is a terrible crime but here is the problem - we know that there are males who do see females who dress in what these males call ‘provocative clothes’ as asking for sex. So what do we tell our daughters?  Do we tell them to dress however they like and act however they like because if they are raped it is not their fault or do we tell them to consider where they are going, who they will be with and who else will be there and, if necessary, dress more conservative and act more controlled?  I know what I will be telling my girls.  No way I am going to rely on other parents to teach their sons that they are not entitled to a woman’s body as after you are raped - it is too late.  Education - Keeping them Honest - http://jolandachallita.typepad.com/education/

DG says:

10:35am | 22/10/09

Anonymous, thanks for sharing your story. All the best with your continued recovery as the victim of such a heinous crime. Hopefully we can all take a message from this and live happier and safer lives as a result. It is good to hear that you have learned to trust again and are getting the chance to live your life.

@Helen - I can’t think of any person that would believe that they have a right to another persons body (if this is about sexual assault lets keep it about sexual assault rather than gender). Your post suggests that there is someone out there telling people that they have a right to other peoples bodies but, in so far as I am aware, there is very little evidence to suggest that the perpetrators thought that they had any such a right - the majority KNEW that they were doing the wrong thing but did it anyway, for whatever reason.

From the limited research I have done on this topic most offenders are mentally ill, assault a person as a demonstration of power and superiority or are carrying out a drunken crime of opportunity. I’m sure there are some nutters out there that have committed their crimes because they disregarded, or refused to respect the, rights of their victim - but to suggest that they had no knowledge of those rights is misleading at best. The first step is to make an honest and frank assessment of circumstances of these crimes rather that some attempt to suggest that the criminals just didn’t know it was wrong.

@BT - I don’t think that a persons clothing encourages rape. If a person is going to commit a crime they will do it because they can.

But I think it also needs to be extended to state that taking RISKS does not mean you deserve to be the victim of crime. If I walk down a dark alley late at night with my headphones in, and a laptop undermy arm - I don’t deserve to be robbed. The person who takes the laptop is the one that has done the wrong thing. Then again I’ve been threatened with a knife (attempted robbery) in the middle of Sydney at 2 in the afternoon on a crowded street - the circumstances are irrelevant, in both cases the criminal was 100% responsible for their behaviour. 

If I leave my car unlocked,leave my phone on the table at a café while I drink my coffee, sleep on a train or accidentally spill someone’s drink at the pub there is the risk I will be robbed or assaulted - I don’t deserve to be, nor did I encourage those consequences but I do take a risk.

We live in a screwed up world - people will do the wrong thing - that’s a fact of life. As individuals, we need to be aware of the risks associated with our behaviour, even if we are of the opinion that it “Should” be safe, and to take reasonable precautions for our own safety.

Should we have to take such precautions? No.
Is it sensible to take precautions when there are known risks? Yes.

It’s all well and good to say these things shouldn’t happen, but the fact that we are having this conversation points out that we know that there ARE risks. It’s naïve in the extreme to go about your life as if the world were completely safe, we must take reasonable precautions to protect ourselves - even if it is inconvenient.

Again, before I get accused of blaming the victim. There is a substantial difference between ‘risk taking behaviour’ and deserving the consequences of that behaviour. The whole of the blame belongs with the perpetrator.

From the post of this survivor I get two messages that perhaps we can all learn from: Firstly,  there are evil people out there, our options are to hide or go out and get on with life. Secondly, the fear of those evil elements of society can be debilitating.

We need not be afraid, but should be aware. We need not hide, but should take precautions.

No one deserves to be the victim of crime.

BT says:

10:50am | 22/10/09

@Jolanda,
I think that it is dangerous to believe that rape only happens to young women. Rape can happen to anyone, even grown men - everyone needs to be aware of that. Also, women can be perpetrators too - although obviously this is far less common. Rape is also far more common within the family structure than by strangers out in the street. No one can be really safe and unfortunately education and being protective is not always enough.

Jolanda says:

11:05am | 22/10/09

BT,
I do not believe that rape ‘only’ happens to young women,  but certainly if you look at the statistics and you consider that a lot of women do not report rape (often because they are embarrassed because they were drinking and or acting in a manner that might be considered provocative at the time)  it is younger females who are often the target of the most prevalent type of rape and it is often by people they have met or know.  I may be wrong but certainly that is the way it appears to me.  These men are opportunists and they know that the condition of the female and the situation that she finds placed herself in will mean that they will probably get away with it.

James says:

11:18am | 22/10/09

How to Prevent Sexual Assault. This WILL work.
1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are committing a crime- no matter how “into it” others appear to be

papachango says:

12:12pm | 22/10/09

Her story is tragic but I’m glad it’s finally working out for her. That said, I agree with DG. I don’t see what these RTN marches are trying to achieve. A few relgious nutjobs and criminal psychopaths aside, I would estimate that 99.9% of us in this country of us believe that women (or men for that matter) have the right to walk outdoors and not be raped, and that rape is a horrible crime.

No amount of protest marches will convince the other 0.1%.

DG says:

12:41pm | 22/10/09

James (12:18pm | 22/10/09)

I’m concerned about point 7. What if I have a few mates, say a football team, or even a car full of friends and relatives that should keep me out of trouble, but they all let me down (or join in as the case may be)?

BT says:

12:48pm | 22/10/09

From the ABS website:

“In 2005, there were an estimated 44,100 persons aged 18 years and over who were victims of at least one sexual assault in the 12 months prior to the survey; a victimisation prevalence rate of 0.3%. Approximately 72,000 incidents of sexual assault were experienced by these victims.

In April 2005, there were 15,966,900 persons aged 15 years and over living in private dwellings in Australia. In the 12 months prior to the survey it was estimated that:
58,900 (0.4%) persons were victims of at least one robbery
770,600 (4.8%) persons were victims of at least one assault
44,100 (0.3%) persons aged 18 years and over were victims of at least one sexual assault.”
Shocking statistics - and these are just the ones that were reported for that year.  I just wanted to put that in there to raise awareness that sexual assault is a lot more common than people think.

DG says:

01:39pm | 22/10/09

BT (01:48pm | 22/10/09):

I appreciate your point - but what percentage of that 0.4% were dragged off the street and sexually assaulted by a stranger?

Do the statistics draw a distinction between sexual assault, indecent assault and an act of indecency? How about attempted sexual assault?

How did they distinguish between allegations of sexual assault and instances of sexual assault? If a person claims to have been sexually assaulted is that sufficient? Even if there is no evidence or insufficient evidence in relations to the allegation?

My point is that statistics are inherently unreliable in this area. It’s does not appear to be based on convictions only on allegations (in NSW something like half of the allegations never go any further than that)  therefore it is based on allegations. Worse than that, it is based on a guess of all of the unreported allegations as well. Unreliable may be too generous.

DG says:

01:56pm | 22/10/09

No to put to fine a point on the matter - Say for example 100 people make a claim and only one is proven to be telling the truth why do we assume that there is something wrong with that? Why do we assume that the other 99 are telling the truth and include them in statistics?

There are concerns about the ‘low conviction rate’ in respect of finalised cases - but isn’t that exactly what you would expect if the claims were unfounded? In so far as I can see there is really no basis for determining that the conviction rate is not a true reflection of the number of legitimate claims. As a matter of logic what basis is there for any other conclusion? Occam’s razor any one?

I have deliberately excluded those cases in which no person is ever even accused on the basis that there is no way of telling what happened at all - aside from the fact that someone has reported that they were sexually assualted and may have physical evidence to support that claim (without such evidence indicating anything to do with the perpetrator). i.e a person found battered, bruised on the side of the road, with evidence of sexual assault may prove that the assault occurred without any proof as to who carried out the offence.

BT says:

01:59pm | 22/10/09

DG - I know stats can be misleading and I take your point, however I simply copied and pasted that from the website which does not go into details. I’m no expert in the area and am not about to go researching it but I just wanted to make the general point that victims aren’t getting picked off the street by their thousands - to me those numbers reflect the point I was trying to make earlier that it’s more likely the victim knows their perpetrator and therefore we need to be careful of who we associate ourselves and children with and not just assume that perpetrators are strangers lurking at night.

SM says:

02:36pm | 22/10/09

I’ve no idea what you must have been through, but congratulations to you for having made the progress that you have.  My only input would be just to remember that it’s not you or what you wear that is ever the problem. 

It’s “people” like Mr 23 years that are the problem.

The best of luck to you and your new partner

Voxpop says:

02:55pm | 22/10/09

A good source for statistics and analysis -
http://www.aph.gov.au/library/intguide/SP/ViolenceAgainstWomen.htm

Bitten says:

04:25pm | 22/10/09

The man who assaulted you is nothing. I feel proud knowing that you are treating him as he should be treated - nothing. Nothing and no-one should be stopping you from being a confident, attractive and loved individual.

Ryan says:

04:34pm | 22/10/09

Thanks for sharing that, youre a remarkable person. Everytime you take steps like this you take back the power that person took from you. Rock on!