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Punch list: how you know you’ve really arrived!

Amy Crutchfield

by Amy Crutchfield

03 Dec 06:00am

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Filed under: Ambition, Satire, Society, Wealth

60 comments

As we approach summer, its natural to do some kind of stocktake, a bit of a personal inventory of where you stand at the end of another year.  And in a socially mobile society such as ours, the question on many lips will be whether this year was the year in which they could finally say, “I have arrived.”

One knows one has really made it when one no longer has to cut one's own toenails…

You will have heard of a departure checklist.  Well, in a similar vein, and with a view to helping those everywhere labouring under uncertainty, this article undertakes to provide a ready-made, simple to use arrival checklist. Simply work through the items below and record whether you have performed or demonstrated all of the relevant requirements.

1.  Acquired incompetence – This is an umbrella term used to describe the phenomenon experienced by successful people whereby, although they have got where they are through their general competence, and usually an acute self-awareness of such competence, they are now unable to do anything for themselves.

To determine whether you have Acquired Incompetence try opening the Contacts screen on your iPhone and counting whether you have 4 or more of the following (listed alphabetically for your convenience) – caterer, colourist, dog walker, life coach, party planner, personal trainer, stylist, therapist.

2. Advanced Technology Uptake - This is a simple element to assess.  Consider your home – give yourself 1 point for each computer screen, 2 points for a plasma screen exceeding 50 inches and 3 points for an iPad. 

Divide this total by your number of partners and dependents, plus 1 – for yourself.  If the result is greater than 2 you have satisfied this requirement.

3. Milieu – Knowing what this word means is a strong indicator in itself.  If there was any degree of confusion in your mind as to whether a milieu was something sold in a bakery, next year may still be your year. 

Evaluating your milieu is complex – especially as you may find that, whereas you once socialized with your friends, you are now regularly socializing at marquees and in boxes with people that you do not know or necessarily want to know.  Do not be put off by this, as it is also a positive indicator.

For further reassurance, where applicable, look through your children’s class lists – make a note of any children with names that have been taken from an atlas – the more the better.  If your children are yet to start school try counting the number of schools you have enrolled them at. 

The average per child ought to exceed 2.5 unless your family are multi-generational old grammarians or collegians of an APS or GPS school, in which case you need to count the number of days post-birth before your child was offered a confirmed place.  If this number exceeds 7 your arrival may be delayed.

4. Hospitality – having examined your milieu you’ve probably realised that a substantial portion of the hospitality you enjoy is corporate hospitality.  This is good. 

Are you being offered free entertainment by banks and credit cards?  If you are not it is a strong indicator that you have not achieved required levels of debt.  Explosive consumption will be the fireworks that light the night as you arrive out of the darkness of mediocrity.

5.  Engaged therapist – Taking self-absorption to an elite level is a cornerstone of the arrival process.  You can do a lot on your own, but only a trained professional can take you the extra mile.

If you have not satisfied the requirements of the arrival checklist don’t despair – things move fast and so can you.  The fact that you have taken the time to read this list augurs well.

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60 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • Graham The Great says:

      07:23am | 03/12/10

      Oh darn!  I still cut my own toe nails.  A great article that pretty much nails it on the head and just shows how many social wannabes I know.  Must be acquired typical behaviour of the ‘wanker’  hey Warren!

      Reply

    • rufus says:

      12:50pm | 03/12/10

      Cut? I gnaw mine off. Satisfying and refreshing.

    • Kit says:

      12:58pm | 03/12/10

      While I appreciate there are a great many people who typify this stereotype, I definitely don’t agree this article hit the nail on the head… In fact, I find at times it so obviously strives to come across as witty that I’m embarrassed for the writer.
      We all like to have a laugh at the monster yuppies, talking on their phone while sending an email on their iPad, juggling a hermes laptop tote and a skim latte on their way to the gym. I get it, albeit it’s not incredibly high brow humour I’m sure it gets a laugh. But the self indulgence of this article is amazing, people who use dog walkers, personal trainers and colourists, or heaven forbid can afford a pedicure, are obviously only doing so to increase their sense of social standing? Seriously? And watchout if you’re an executive who may own a work laptop and a personal computer because you’re probably only do so to look cooler. But if the pressures of your high stress work environment become too much, seeing a Therapist isn’t about managing a potential stress related illness, it’s actually all about self absorption and the desire to just yack on about yourself 24/7.
      Geeze, I opened this thinking there’d be a laugh somewhere… But definitely not.

    • rollo says:

      11:22pm | 04/12/10

      If you made it you wouldn’t be on this comments list
      ; )

    • John says:

      06:23am | 06/12/10

      Kit

      Rollo has a point! LMAO.

      It’s the ultimate neurotic’s list (imagine the little child shouting ‘look at me! look at me! great for children but childish for adults)- I haven’t made it there and never intend to.

    • george says:

      08:39am | 03/12/10

      Sounds great. Quite often “friends” for us plebs are merely a part of our millieu.

      When you have your own chef how does that work? Do you have to have them live with you and so effectively be a part of the family?

      Reply

    • Paranoia says:

      09:27am | 03/12/10

      I’ve often wondered that… do they do the shopping, too?  I guess they must.  Only food, though?  Or all of it?  Do they pack you a lunch they’ve been up since 2am preparing?  (Along with breakfast?)  And where do you get one?

    • Steph says:

      06:59pm | 05/12/10

      You can get live-in chefs. I knew a guy who’s family had one. He said one of the benefits was if you were feeling peckish at 2am, they’d get up and make you something. Just be prepared to pay an exorbitant amount for one.

      And they have their own room in the house, along with the housekeeper and nanny. Not sure where you’d get one, but I’d imagine with the accompanying salary they’d get, a fair few people would be interested (even short term, like live-in for a year with weekends off or so).

      And for sure, they’d make your lunch. They’re chefs. That’s what they do.

    • marley says:

      08:39am | 03/12/10

      Well, not only have I not arrived, I don’t think I’m even in transit.  My “incompetence” is entirely natural, not acquired; my “technology uptake” quotient has a decimal point in front of it; my “milieu” involves people I actually know;  my bank’s “hospitality” consists of offering me a bigger credit card limit; and the only “therapist” I know is the one that looked after my dislocated shoulder.  Obviously, far from arriving, I’m heading in reverse.

      Reply

    • Dan says:

      07:23am | 04/12/10

      ha ha nice one marley. My bank also extends me the hospitality of opening a branch for a few minutes during work hours. I don’t know why people give them such a hard time!

      If it makes you feel any better, I am sorry to say I have “arrived”, but I’ll be departing again shortly. Qatar in summer has more going for it than ‘here’.

    • Pieman says:

      08:42am | 03/12/10

      I loved this article.  I haven’t arrived, but I now have a set of clearly-defined targets to aim for.

      I’ll get my boy to send this off - I’m on my way!!!

      Reply

    • Matt says:

      08:45am | 03/12/10

      I don’t know anyone who’s name ends in Jones. Life is cheap.

      Reply

    • Christine says:

      08:53am | 03/12/10

      Ah the A-list bogans!

      Reply

    • Helena Handcart says:

      09:09am | 03/12/10

      No talent necessary, obviously.

      Reply

    • MarK says:

      09:15am | 03/12/10

      I know I have arrived becasue ian ignores me.

      it’s awesome

      Reply

    • Ian says:

      10:10am | 03/12/10

      MarK

      If I knew you I would probably ignore you, but since I don’t consider yourself ignored anyway.

    • iansand says:

      01:17pm | 03/12/10

      I reckon you have made it when people start referring to you by your first name and expect to be understood.  Like Brad or Paris.

    • jim says:

      09:19am | 03/12/10

      You mean to say that a “Milieu” is in fact NOT a cake?  What the hell have I been eating from my local cake shop?  Nah, gotta be, they are made of sugar and are sweet and crumbly and are either white or pink and have hundreds and thousands on them!

      Reply

    • hot tub political machine says:

      09:40am | 03/12/10

      I don’t think this happens in Adelaide. If you “arrive” it probably means we get to stand the other side of a plastic divider I won’t see because I’m not at the event

      Reply

    • Ryan says:

      09:50am | 03/12/10

      All this and still no class means you have arrived, as a “nouveau riche”!

      Reply

    • Sam Chowder says:

      09:56am | 03/12/10

      I’m a complete corporate failure and here is my annual review of self as outlined in the points above.

      1.  If my boss needs to do something, I have to do it, if my family want something done, I have to do it, if I want something done, I have to wait.
      2.  If I want new technology at work I have to waste time on a business case showing the time it will save me, but I don’t have time.
      3.  I’m so late getting home these days my mileau has already gone to bed.
      4.  If I enjoy a nice bit of chocolate provided at work, I have to make a donation to a local school.
      5.  The nearest I get to a therapist is seeing all the aromatherapy candles in house makeover shows (who the f@ck fills a homes up with lit candles).

      My annual review is better this year, I’m making progress
      Merry Christmas

      Reply

    • at work says:

      11:36am | 03/12/10

      I get to share in the use of our new 22yr old PA (business use- get your mind out of the gutter) and was just handed free movie tickets… does this mean I’m on my way?

    • papachango says:

      11:48am | 03/12/10

      who the f@ck fills a homes up with lit candles?

      That’s easy - either Satanists or Tara Dennis ftrom Better Homes & Gardens. Or are they one and the same; my version of Hell would be permanently living in a home that’s furnished wall-to-wall with her ‘craft projects’

    • Ken says:

      07:40pm | 03/12/10

      I use candles for heating. Hey times are tight.

    • Richard The Lionheart says:

      10:32am | 03/12/10

      I don’t need this list. My family dates back to the second crusade and we are still living on the plunder. We sold our last Coptic icon last year. You have only arrived if you belong to certain clubs and are preferably a Knights Hospitalier. Meanwhile, back to economy class and cutting my own toenails except when in Asia. Life for many is not always about being upwardly mobile, it’s about trying to stay up! It’s a strain and drain. Merry Christmas

      Reply

    • majid says:

      11:02am | 03/12/10

      You think, once these people had arrived (real only in their head) and that all their needs are executed by others, they will start doing something useful for the humanity: NO, they spend their free time looking and appreciating (real only in their head again) themselves in the mirror…

      Reply

    • jane wallace says:

      11:15am | 03/12/10

      one vote at world cup 2022 for 42 million dollars spent.
      YES, One knows one has arrived.

      Reply

    • Cam says:

      11:21am | 03/12/10

      Milieu is down the hallway next to the bathroom ... except round here we call it the shithouse ....

      Reply

    • bella starkey says:

      11:51am | 03/12/10

      Number 1 is like so many people I have worked for!

      Don’t you just love it when your boss rings you to ask you to ring someone to find something out but you don’t know this person and need your boss to send you thier contact details and by the time you finally gotten the right phone number, explained who you are and why you are talking to them and have the information you need it has taken 10 times longer than if you boss had made the phone call themselves.

      Same goes for someone wanting to dictate an email to you. This isn’t the 1950s, everyone knows how to type. Dictating something takes far more time than typing it yourself.

      Reply

    • Katie says:

      05:03pm | 03/12/10

      I can’t believe that people still dictate letters/emails. Why??!

      I have a newish boss who recently asked me to type up a letter that she’d dictated. I said sure, if you find me a decent dictophone, a quiet space, and pay me overtime for doing it on top of my regular job as I’m not in admin. Also, if she didn’t mind the extra time it would take for me to come back and play her a sentence over and over again so she and I could puzzle out what she said. Or, she could just type it herself which would take about an eighth of the time required. Or she could enable the vocal recognition and speak directly into the computer. She looked at me, blinked, and said that maybe she would just type it up.

      Now she’s the kind of person this article is about - pretentious and power-loving. The only reason she asked me to do that is because she’d been through everyone’s resumes and looked at their training/certs/degrees. She’s obviously taken note that one of my certificates is in business admin, and looked at the subjects - one of which was dictation. I know that neither of the official administrators know how to do this. We always joke that the only person in the company who has official admin qualifications doesn’t work in admin! They’re both a bit older than me, have lots of experience and trained on the job. As a result, neither of them have those kind of outdated skills that aren’t really used, because they only ever learned the things they would actually do.

      Any way that this manager can use others to make herself seem more important, she does. She learned pretty fast who she can use and who she can’t, and she targeted the under 30s. But the other day when the General Manager came quietly up and asked me if I’d even been asked by this person to do something that was not in my job description, I recounted the story. She patted my shoulder and told me I’d done exactly the right thing. So I’m pretty sure this new manager will be having a little come-to-Jesus talk soon. Good. I’m not a fan of bullies.

    • Bitten says:

      11:10pm | 05/12/10

      Wow. So much envy, so little joy. Sad little people, it’s ok, the successful people of the world are in fact NOT out to torture you. Take a break from your bitterness goggles and chill out. You might surprise yourselves - you might in fact achieve more highly when you stop stocktaking on everyone else’s life and focus on your own paper.

    • papachango says:

      11:53am | 03/12/10

      If you’ve arrived, that would make you an ‘arriviste’.

      If you understand French words like ‘milieu’ you’ll also understand that ‘arriviste’ not exactly a complimentary term.

      Reply

    • Dick says:

      03:28pm | 03/12/10

      What, go-getter?

    • papachango says:

      04:23pm | 03/12/10

      Think ‘Johnny Come Lately’, ‘upstart’ or ‘nouveau riche’. Possibly even ‘cashed up bogan’

    • JulesG says:

      12:01pm | 03/12/10

      In my day, you’d arrived when you had sausages and mushrooms for breakfast! How the mighty have fallen. According to the above list, the prerequisite of arrival upon the lofty perch of success is somewhat more ethereal. It appears also that the said arrival is not unlike the behaviour of some strange and exotic atomic particle that goes from A to B without passing through the space in between. We always used to spell socialise with an ‘S’ as well. Perhaps nowadays, it is necessary to use American spelling and vernacular to mark ones meteoric rise to arrivalhood. It used be just the opposite. To be able to write and spell in english English would ensure your admission to the club. A clipped BBC accent was a badge of honour and the key to so many doors.

      Reply

    • isis says:

      12:16pm | 03/12/10

      These arrivistes try to invite me to their parties.

      Reply

    • hellena says:

      12:18pm | 03/12/10

      oh oh, got 13 for 2. Advanced Technology Uptake (hey, I love gadgets…) But failed on all the rest, so my forthcoming NY resolution, to cultivate my inner bogan, is still safe.`

      Reply

    • papachango says:

      12:42pm | 03/12/10

      I’m confused by the Advanced Technology Uptake. I thought having a Plasma greater than 50” and or TVs in every room was the ultimate sign of boganity, while not having a TV (and self-righteously talking about it) was a sign of arrival. At least, accoring to ‘stuff white poeple like’:

      http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/01/26/28-not-having-a-tv/

    • Ned says:

      02:10pm | 03/12/10

      If score high for Advanced Technology Uptake but I work in IT so that’s kind of natural.

      Reply

    • mickijo says:

      02:22pm | 03/12/10

      Does having an IPad and have it sit in a corner sniggering at your attempts to get some sort of sense out ot count? I miss my mouse! I am used to an obedient mouse and this bloody thing hasn’t got one.

      Reply

    • Dave says:

      03:11pm | 03/12/10

      Does anyone actually own anything. Or is it all on credit? I can get a million dollar loan and buy a heap of junk too hey.

      Reply

    • scott the realist says:

      03:28pm | 03/12/10

      Then you have finnally climbed into the rarified arena of absolute tosser whom like wasting money. And can be led into wankery at the drop of a hat.

      Reply

    • Grandma says:

      06:22pm | 03/12/10

      I fail miserably. I shall go back to my quiet life (part-time work, making quilts, playing with grandchildren etc) in my mortgage-free house in need of renovation.. At least with these things, and no debt (and the races on Foxtel) and a scotch or two I am completely at peace with myself and the world.

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      10:27pm | 04/12/10

      Hmmm…not a bad life ; wanna Husband ?

      Hafta be some changes though : I like Jack Daniels, watchin cowboy movies n’ restin me feet on poofs.
      (I go upmarket wif me telly : drag races in colour, and national geographic. Me mate Dougy just can’t get enough of those Hippos.)
      He’s comin too. You’ll love him.

    • Will Colvin says:

      07:16pm | 03/12/10

      You know you’ve arrived when you think you can use your house as a giant coin shitting machine.

      Reply

    • NESLIHAN KUROSAWA says:

      11:29pm | 03/12/10

      Hi Amy,
      I am totally disappointed with my self as I, do not have all these things that you mentioned such as a personal caterer, colourist, dog walker, life coach, party planner, personal trainer, stylist, therapist.  And should I really feel less than a human being???  I think not, all those things you mentioned are external influences, if you ask me, anyway.  What about all the other things that guarantee us the eternal youth and longevity?? Most importantly, happiness.

      How about things like “how to be a whole person without any outside influences”?? Are there any courses for that?  Because, I would like to join and improve all aspects of my life.  I must say event the most famous Hollywood stars do get tired of all that, they just want to hang out and feel normal and lead a normal life away from cameras and spotlight as much as possible.

      As we have discovered already, emotional well being is ,as much of an importance as our physical and financial well being.  Having the means to buy everything in sight, does not actually help us become any happier or wiser.  If you ask for my personal opinion,  being useful member of our society also means showing compassion for the less fortunate. And as well doing our bit to make things better for every one with a bit of kindness, goes a long way, in my personal experience.  Best regards to your editors.

      Reply

    • papachango says:

      09:53am | 06/12/10

      I think you missed the irony in the article…

    • gotoutofoz says:

      03:35am | 04/12/10

      I have arrived because I have all of these things - but then again I am one of those smart Australians who left the shores 10 yrs ago and now don’t pay tax there can easily afford all of these services and am enjoying life—hahaha

      Reply

    • marley says:

      11:50am | 04/12/10

      Actually, you will only really have “arrived” when you neither have nor want any of these things.

    • stephen says:

      08:25pm | 04/12/10

      You sound like our Hoges, and I thought you were riding a rubber Kangaroo over at FIFA, (which ain’t a country, by the way.)

      ‘Hey Hoges, I ‘d have everything too - he says, with a 140 IQ
      - if I didn’t pay me tax’.

      PS I don’t always do me talkin to a Man on a Roo,
      but I’ll make an exception for a crook like you.

    • majid says:

      10:47pm | 04/12/10

      you sound to me like you are living in a developing country and that you are abusing the generosity of the locals…

    • Mike says:

      07:44pm | 05/12/10

      Spare a thought for all the other people who want to look like they’ve “arrived” (and don’t realise that If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there) but fund it all with debt instead.

      Instead of looking like and being a complete tool, true freedom is being (financially) able to afford all these things and to not really want them anyway - because everyone else (debt junkies) have them already. 

      What a paradox.  The irony is as delicious as a Christmas pavlova.

    • Bitten says:

      09:42am | 06/12/10

      Christmas lamingtons, please.

    • Scott says:

      05:12pm | 04/12/10

      I am so self-absorbed I don’t have a Milieu. Do I need one? I find it hard to get along with others and I don’t like sharing or listening. It’s boring.

      Reply

    • Rachel says:

      01:52pm | 05/12/10

      How nouveau.

      Reply

    • Sarah says:

      02:39pm | 05/12/10

      Names from an atlas?  I assume that you are not talking about ‘Dakota’ and ‘Montana’ when associating names with class!

      Reply

    • iansand says:

      06:03pm | 05/12/10

      Does anyone know a child named Connecticut, or Massachusetts?  Just curious.

    • marley says:

      08:15pm | 05/12/10

      Nothing she is talking about is “class.” Otherwise, Brittany and Paris (both of whom have names associated with notable French locations) would be classy.  They’re not.

    • Mayday says:

      04:21pm | 05/12/10

      Scott did you get bored before you reached the end of the list?

      5.  Engaged therapist – Taking self-absorption to an elite level is a cornerstone of the arrival process.  You can do a lot on your own, but only a trained professional can take you the extra mile.

      Reply

    • TONY GLYNN says:

      08:31am | 06/12/10

      I have a “Boot last”  and a sock darning “Mushroom”.  Does this qualify me for any position in society?

      Reply
 
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