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Overparenting? Some kids should be so lucky

Dom McInerney

by Dom McInerney

28 Sep 05:45am

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Filed under: Children, Parenting, Society

63 comments

Earlier this week the Herald Sun reported that ‘the impact of over-protective parenting will be the focus of the VicHealth study, amid psychologists’ concerns of a “marshmallow generation”’. Well, I’m going in to bat for overprotective parents and their overzealous counterparts.

Who's the lucky one? Digitally altered image from AFP and Getty Images

It’s the latest in a steady stream of studies and media reports finding that our kids are video game-addicted, latte-sipping fatties. Week after week we are presented with evidence of our parenting failures and the resulting demise of humankind. It’s no wonder parents are wrapping their kids in cotton wool in a misguided attempt to protect them.

But this culture of parental navel-gazing is indulgent, and it has to stop.

Consider this: By some accounts, 1.2 million children are trafficked each year. No overparenting. No parents. By comparison, getting hysterical about kids not getting off the couch seems a little excessive, doesn’t it?

Then there is the issue of hungry children; millions of children suffer from malnutrition, leading to stunting, intellectual impairment, poor school performance and eventually, a 20 percent deficit in income as adults. See why I’m not too fussed about the parents who unnecessarily insist on a maths tutor?

Closer to home, there were 46,187 substantiations of child abuse and neglect across Australia in 2009–10. Neglect is described as ‘the failure to provide for a child’s basic needs, including failure to provide adequate food, shelter, clothing, supervision, hygiene or medical attention.’ I reckon those children would lap up some well-meaning overparenting; at least they would know they are cared for.

The truth is that there are swathes of childhood neglect throughout the world. In this context, hysteria about over-parenting seems trite. The social cost of children being neglected, abused or simply unloved is far more worthy of our collective introspection than the endless examination of parents who choose to heave themselves up through playground equipment only to safely chaperone their beloved firstborn down the gentle incline of a slide.

In any case, do you think our kids are the first generation to carry the baggage of their parents into adulthood? Do you reckon you made it into your forties unscathed by the antics of your guilt-tripping, overbearing mother?

No, I didn’t think so.

But inherent in this steady procession of surveys finding that our children are overparented is the assumption that they are the first to be shaped by their parents’ idiosyncrasies.

This rose-tinted view of our own childhoods, when throngs of children apparently ran barefoot and carefree through the streets until the sun went down, leaves out the fact that our parents stressed about us, and their parents stressed about them. Some got it right, some got it wrong.

The point about overparenting is that while your tightly-wound kid is going into adulthood a bit maladjusted - I probably wouldn’t want to work for him - in the grand scheme of things, he is not going to bring society to its knees.

If you have ever caught yourself thinking that perhaps helmets should be compulsory at playgrounds, you should probably relax a bit and trust your kids. But if that’s your style, I’m not going to knock you for loitering in your child’s personal space. You overparent because you care. You love your child. You want them to survive, and thrive.

What’s the worst that can happen? We’re left with a bunch of emotionally uneven, but otherwise functioning, members of society. So, pretty much what we’ve had for the last 2,000 years. Children everywhere are facing issues far more deserving of our attention.

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63 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • Nathan says:

      06:21am | 28/09/11

      It is so annoying when a child who comes from a good family and never really went without and then has problems in later life and all of the sudden it is the parents fault. I have a sibling like this who fails to realise that parents are not perfect and sure they could of perhaps handled some things better. Look at what their motives where, they where never out to hurt you. Nothing like a rant about a sibling to get the blood flowing

      Reply

    • Tina says:

      06:27am | 28/09/11

      I find the argument totally invalid. Kids starving in Somalia has nothing to do with overparenting in Australia. Its always the same line of argument: Some have it worse so dont complain. If we always applied that argument then how about we just wait until our country is bottom of the list and then we start thinking about improvements? Because it is not PC to ask for improvements when you have it better than others already.

      Reply

    • Mahhrat says:

      06:58am | 28/09/11

      I agree Tina.  I mentioned it in another article this morning - that we are doing comparitively well is no reason to become complacent on things like this.

      Education, support to parents and of course help to whichever kid needs it are all incredibly important.

      Trivialising their concerns just because “we have it so GOOOOOOD” is an absolute nonsense.

    • Peter says:

      07:15am | 28/09/11

      @Mahrat, maybe not complacency, but keeping things in perspective is incredibly important, particularly in this day and age where political hysteria is the norm.  Haven’t you ever heard the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”?  Wise words which I think many in Australia should remember right about now.

    • Mahhrat says:

      08:36am | 28/09/11

      @Peter, so you’ve never looked at a spoiled, overweight child and thought, “Poor kid”?

      The other problem we face mate is one of scale.  I’ve grown up watching kids in Africa starving to death.  Despite all the aid, all the admonishment of my parents to eat my veggies because of those poor, starving kids and all the heartfelt feelings of intelligentia the world over, there are still millions of starving kids in Africa.

      Do you blame us for focussing inwardly?  Sometimes, we feel like 1 person out of 6 billion.  The problems are just too much for us to comprehend.  I don’t know how to fix world hunger, but I know how to raise my own daughter in a good way, and I’m happy to share what I know with people who might over parent.

      We do what we can.  Trivialising it like the OP wants to do trivialises everything.  It’s yet another up-themselves powerbroker who wants to tell me I’m no good, that I’m not worthy.

      Well, rubbish.  I am, and you are, and it’s not about telling us we’re so lucky, but helping other people become as lucky as we are.

    • Pastor Sauce says:

      12:48pm | 28/09/11

      Tina says ‘I find the argument totally invalid. Kids starving in Somalia has nothing to do with overparenting in Australia’.  This reminds me when my parents would say “finish what’s on your plate, there are children staving in China”.  Means absolutely nothing, but if you’re not quite capable of rational thought (like a child is and a few adults), it makes sense.

    • Fiona says:

      10:17pm | 28/09/11

      Tina the large numbers of subststantiated cases of child abuse from 2009-10 were also mentioned. None of which were in Somalia. I think that was a reasonable comparison.

    • Kipling says:

      07:11am | 28/09/11

      Tina, I mostly agree with you on this. Over parenting of itself is a form of abuse. OK not neglect but abuse, these two functions are generally defined together, see link; http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/whatiscan.cfm

      It seems that parenting issues in media always deal with individual actions rather than look at the overall impact, or the big picture as it were. Parents can (in a sense) get away with an awful lot if they address one of the most basic key elements and that is building a solid, honest and trusting relationship with their kids. In simple terms, being real with their kids and treating them like people worth relating to, listening to and being honest with. Yet this NEVER gets a mention, it is all doom and gloom. It seems too that we must never comment on the poor bloody parents. Well, it takes a whole village to raise its idiots so parents, get over it.
      Regardless of issues about smacking, media advertising, too much time spend on the PS3 etc etc etc. If these are all the kid has in life then there are some clear flags for concern, however, this is rarely the case. I had very caring and loving parents, however, I still got smacked (on occasion), fed myself on very rare occasions, got sunburnt and on one occasion did not receive medical treatment for an injury immediately presumably in case it was not as bad as it seemed. All that said I still went to my parents with my personal wins, losses, joys in life and concerns right up until each of them died (one quite recently). To my mind this was the benchmark of their good parenting, I had a healthy relationship with them both. Errors were made, but hell, they were just errors, we all make em.
      Relationship building though seems to be something we are loosing the knack of and that is extremely concerning.

      Reply

    • Tina says:

      07:40am | 28/09/11

      I do think some parents take it a little too far, but I was rather commenting on the line of arguments in the article than on the issue itself. Of course you can say that children who have experienced overparenting obviously have loving parents who just care a little too much, so I wouldnt see it as bad as children that are neglected by their families.

    • Rose says:

      10:45am | 28/09/11

      There is your big mistake Tina, assuming that parents who over-parent do so because they are”  loving parents who just care a little too much”. It is just as accurate to say that they do it because they are insecure control freaks who don’t care enough about their children to let them explore the world and make their own mistakes. The hardest thing I have to do as a parent is sit back and watch my kids screw up, particularly when a not so crash hot outcome is almost inevitable. I have to let them screw up though, I tell them what I think but then allow them to choose their own path. The last thing I want is to look at my adult children and see that they have no life experience, no notion of common sense, no sense of adventure and no guts.

    • Anne71 says:

      12:23pm | 28/09/11

      Love your approach, Rose - that was exactly how our parents brought us up. Mum has since told us how hard it had been for her and Dad to sit back and let us learn from painful experience, once their initial advice / warning had been issued and ignored. But it worked. Oh, boy, it worked.  It taught us to use instinct, judgement and that late, lamented quality, common sense,  in all sorts of ways. It also taught us that actions have consequences, not all of them pleasant, and that we had to deal with them whether we liked it or not.
      Sorry, but I really do believe those parents who “overparent” are doing their kids no favour at all in the long run. They will basically be kids all their lives, expecting everybody - anybody - to make the hard decisions for them,  and never really taking responsibility for themselves. We’re already starting to see it happen with the ridiculous “nanny state” direction this country is taking.

    • Kipling says:

      01:03pm | 28/09/11

      I think that hard stuff mentioned is some of the best parenting around. Life is full of knocks and good parenting prepares kids to be realistic about this, it also builds resilience and that can be life saving…
      I say overparenting is actually potentially just as significant a form of neglect as failure to meet important needs like food, shelter, protection etc.
      Abuse and Neglect are extremely common, we most likely have all at some point experienced an example of it. The long term problems though come about from chronic abuse and neglect, when whatever form the abuse and/or neglect take go unquestioned, challenged or unchecked. Hence, overparenting is potentially a significant problem, particularly when viewed from the perspective of it just being an extreme demonstration of love. All forms of abuse or neglect could be framed this way, however, the long term damage still needs to be managed.

    • Bev says:

      01:15pm | 28/09/11

      Rose says:10:45am | 28/09/11
      it because they are insecure control freaks who don’t care enough about their children to let them explore the world and make their own mistakes.
      Agreed.  Fortunately my children are not helicopter parents to my grandchidren and they are allowed to have their share of childish “disasters” and learn from them.

      It does go further The recent TV doco on the Polio epidemic in the US highlighted the fact that the Polio virus had always been present but it’s effects in most case were minor.  They were at a loss to explain why it had become so virulent .  Turns out children had natural immunity because it was in the water and they developed immunity naturally.  When the majority of Americans graduated to clean drinking water children no longer developed immunity and the effects were magnified.
      Some researchers believe our over hygienic lifestyles are causing the dramatic increase in asthma and allegies.  Further they say it is possible that as adults they will be more susceptible to cancer and other diseases involving the immune system as their immune system have not been allowed to develop and be exercised by exposure to the pathogens all around us.  This perhaps again illustrated by children and adults developing vitamin D deficiency.  Something easily avoided by sunlight and brought on by the Solar Mafia. Nobody wants sunburn or skin cancer but the coverup has become ridiculous.
      .

    • Robert says:

      03:19pm | 28/09/11

      @ Bev. Totally agree. Just sit and watch daytime TV (It’s hard but struggle though it). Every second ad is for some cleaning product or sanitiser that if you don’t use you are a bad mother (never a bad father).

      Does anyone else think it strange that we have so many children now with crippling asthma and allergies?  I’m 44 and when I was a kid there were no children with peanut butter allergies. That I knew of anyway. We didn’t play in a sanitised sterilised home. As soon as the sun was up we were thrown out into the back yard or met up with the other kids in the neighbourhood and went exploring. If you go thirsty you went into the front yard of a neighbour and drank straight out of the tap. We go filthy dirty and only worried about cuts and scrapes once we got home (before the street lights came on or you were in trouble).

      Children today are raised in a bubble. They don’t go out and play and have every minute of their spare time schedule with organised sports or some other activity. No wonder they are sickly and socially inept.

      While the parents of these children might think they are doing the right thing they are raising a generation of namby pamby wimps and we will all pay for it when epidemics like polio and flu epidemics start wiping out younger and younger generations

    • Austin 3:16 says:

      06:34pm | 28/09/11

      Meh according to the ABS child mortality has halved over the last 20 years or so.

    • Al says:

      07:56am | 28/09/11

      re: “Do you reckon you made it into your forties unscathed by the antics of your guilt-tripping, overbearing mother?
      No, I didn’t think so.”

      Actualy, yes, yes I do. Considering I NEVER had a guilt-tripping, overbearing mother.
      I also dispute your assertion that everyone is maladjusted in some way.

      Reply

    • Cynical Smurf says:

      08:18am | 28/09/11

      I agree with Tina. The argument in this article does not provide any insight into the situation occurring in Australia and the USA. This kind of reporting does not allow the conversation and dialogue to expand which is what is needed to understand the types of issues that face the developed world. It is perhaps akin to saying we should not attempt to address obesity because there are starving people in the world. I am not saying that child neglect and starvation are not important problems, just that they are not the only problems. To further understand over parenting please refer to

      http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/1/

      Reply

    • Sarah says:

      08:20am | 28/09/11

      So Dom - in your opinion then, because there are bi-afran’s starving, kids being trafficked, molested, under-educated etc etc we should all shut up and put up and not say a word about over-parenting?

      Bleeding heart lefty.

      There are certainly tragic circumstances occurring for millions of children around the world right now - and only a person with a heart of stone would be uncaring or unfeeling about that.

      But you cannot compare that suffering to parents who over-parent their over-indulged little darlings. That’s about the same as comparing apples and oranges.

      Silly article that didn’t really get anything of value across, except for the fact that you are self-righteous enough to think you can cop at anyone who is negative about over-parenting, by trying to guilt them into thinking about children elsewhere who are suffering terribly.

      Reply

    • Babe in the Woods says:

      09:14am | 28/09/11

      I agree with you all the way here Sarah.  The same logic applies that because some people live in shanty towns, we shouldn’t strive to make ourselves a comfortable home (with, you know, stuff like electricity and running water).  You are wearing you heart well and truly on your sleeve, and it seems to be the one on the left.

    • marley says:

      08:40am | 28/09/11

      It seems to me that the goal of parents, where ever they may be, is to do the best they can to raise their kids to adulthood.  In Africa, the “best” may involve simply making sure the kids actually have enough food to eat and perhaps get a bit of education.  Here, the “best” has a few more layers to it - most parents don’t have to worry about their kids starving to death, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have some responsibility for making sure their kids are able to function effectively in the adult world. 

      If it’s true that we’re raising a “teacup” generation of over-protected, fragile kids then we are indeed failing our kids.  That’s an absolute, not a comparative, so references to starving Africans is ludicrous.

      Reply

    • Peter says:

      10:02am | 28/09/11

      @Marley - interesting choice of words: “best they can”.  I once spoke with a child psychologist who suggested that the aim of parents should be to be “good enough”.  The point being that too many parents think the role of parenting is to achieve their “best”.  A subtle difference you might say, but we seem to focussed on this idea that there is a right way and wrong way to parenting.  That is a fallacy.  “Good enough” means we de-emphasis the competetive element which currently seems to be the norm among parents and recognize that raising kids is not a race.  You give the kids the level of care and attention they need, not try to re-engineer them into some uber-child.  And in the meantime ruin your own life along the way.  It’s all about striking the right balance and I think that is what the author is trying to say: step back and get some perspective.  We are doing ok.

    • Mahhrat says:

      10:26am | 28/09/11

      @Marley and @Peter, both great points.

      Just work towards making your kid happy, well adjusted, and (in time, but not too soon!) able to look after their ownsy.

    • marley says:

      10:35am | 28/09/11

      @Peter - I absolutely agree it’s all about balance.  When I used the phrase “best they can” I wasn’t talking about raising the “best” kids or competing with other parents or achieving some Aristotelian concept of parenthood - I was talking about parents doing the best job of which they’re capable, all things considered, to get their kids to the starting line of adulthood.  For Africans, that might mean mere survival;  for us, it should be a bit more.  Keeping kids in prolonged immaturity is not part of what that should entail.

    • Rose says:

      11:19am | 28/09/11

      Talk about prolonged immaturity…..a 23 year old male I know has an English girlfriend. Things have progressed to the point that they are thinking marriage and the whole kit and caboodle. The girlfriend wants them to go to England for a year or two to spend time with her family. His dad said NO! You are not allowed to go over there, her family can visit here. Their family shouldn’t be pulled apart and terrible things happen to Australians who go overseas. The saddest thing is the 23 has never defied his dad and now won’t go, it will upset dad too much,.
      This is not love, this is selfishness, pure and simple.

    • Anne71 says:

      12:37pm | 28/09/11

      Peter and Marley - I wish Punch had the “Like” button. You both made excellent points. A psychologist friend of mine once said that Australians are raising a generation of “Little Emperors”. The name arises from studies of China and their “one child” policy. Because there’s only one child, many parents essentially treat them like “little emperors”, doing everything for them, giving them everything they desire and never letting them experience anything approaching hardship or a challenge. In other words, the child rules the parents rather than the other way around.  Sound familiar?
      The big mistake, I think, in raising kids with that “you can have anything you want / everybody wins” attitude is that, in the real world,  you can’t always get what you want, and only one person wins.  Only one person can get that job, that promotion, that perfect house in the perfect location. So how the heck are our future adults going to cope with the disappointment when they don’t get what they want, or the one who wins isn’t them?

    • Tubesteak says:

      09:16am | 28/09/11

      We are creating generations of over-parented spineless pudgy children. They don’t grow up. They don’t leave home. They have little life skills.

      I refuse to hire anyone that still lives with their parents.

      Reply

    • Tina says:

      09:36am | 28/09/11

      Unfortunately you need a job and income in order to move out. So maybe give them three months of probationary period to move out?

    • Tubesteak says:

      09:56am | 28/09/11

      I don’t hire grads or new recruits. Experienced employees only.

    • Ben C says:

      10:32am | 28/09/11

      So, what about those that have elderly parents living with them?

    • amy says:

      11:02am | 28/09/11

      well somone has too,....otherwise they will never get experience

    • TD says:

      11:47am | 28/09/11

      That’s a little extreme, there may be reasons they are still living at home, saving money, maybe the parents can’t afford for them to move out as they pay half the rent and they’d be on the streets if the ‘child’ moved out

    • Rose says:

      11:51am | 28/09/11

      Well Tubespeak, that makes you a big part of the problem!

    • Tubesteak says:

      01:08pm | 28/09/11

      Ben C
      That’s what retirement villages or nursing homes are for.

      amy
      There are plenty of other organisations that have comprehensive graduate programs. While I work for a global corporation, graduate simply don’t have enough skills to be useful.

      TD
      There are no legitimate reasons. Living at home when you are working full-time shows that you are not ready to grow up and that you are weak and have no character and not independent. Not characteristics that are good for anyone in my employ.

    • Tim says:

      01:58pm | 28/09/11

      Tubesteak,
      I completely disagree.
      I know plenty of people that moved out of home at 16-18 that were complete deadshits. There was a reason they moved out and it wasn’t because they had character or were independent.
      Conversely I know plenty of people that stayed with their parents for a long time. They did so because they had great family relationships, were financially smart saving money and had much more stable lives.

      Have you ever seen a sharehouse full of young people? Hardly inspiring stuff for a prospective employer.
      At least you knew the people living at home had someone to kick their arses if they did something wrong or got out of line.

      There are good and bad in both camps. To think otherwise is to miss out on potential gold.

    • TD says:

      02:09pm | 28/09/11

      actually Tubesteak there are legitimate reason, I live at home and have all the independance I could want, I live at home because my dad owns his own business and as a lot of his clients are overseas he got hit really hard in the GFC a few years ago and they lost their house, the house we had grown up in. They now have to rent, I moved back with them to help them out so they wouldn’t be living out of their car. I love my parents and get a long great with them. I pay half the rent, do my own laundry, do things I enjoy and bring boys home. I am helping my parents and there is no way in hell I would put them in a home, from your comments you mustn’t like your parents at, but I love and respect mine. none of my friends or co-workers have a problem with me living with them, all of them keep telling me how lucky I am to come from such a close family unit, they would love to live at home again

    • Ben C says:

      02:10pm | 28/09/11

      @ Tubesteak

      I think that’s a bit harsh. I’ll use myself as an example.

      I’m a fully qualified professional, working full-time, and I still live at home. At the moment, I’m saving up to buy my own place. I have a mother who is epileptic, but otherwise functions normally - she still works full-time. My father is in his early-60’s, and runs the family business. I help out at the family business whenever I can. Apart from that, I do whatever I please.

      Independence and maturity aren’t defined by whether or not you live at home. I’ve heard of people that take their laundry home for mum to do, even though they live elsewhere. Some go home for dinner because they don’t know or can’t be bothered to cook. Conversely, there are people like me who can run a house without any assistance, despite living at home. They are capable of doing all domestic duties, hold down a full-time job, and have their own lives independent of their parents.

      I find it more of a weakness in character that you just want to palm off your parents to a nursing home or retirement village rather than looking after them in return for the nurture they gave you.

    • dave says:

      03:27pm | 28/09/11

      I could be mistaken, but I believe John Howard lived with his mother until his thirties.

    • Fiona says:

      10:26pm | 28/09/11

      So your “glabwl company” is quite willing to benefit from the work other companies have put into a graduate. Nice.
      Your opinions on families living together are very black and white. Don’t forget that families traditionally lived together all their lives.

    • Lisa Allison says:

      09:41am | 28/09/11

      I’m with Dom. I am a parent of 3y.old and a 6 month old and I cannot believe the amount of blather there is about parenting frothing around. There is neglect and abuse, both heartbreaking and most of us would want to spare any child such treatment. But navel gazing on overpatenting and assertations that such parenting is ‘abuse”?

      Perhaps, if it is extreme, but most parents, with a bit of advice from family and friends, will muddle through and do a good job. They will make mistakes, but this will not lead to the end of mankind as we know it. I am so fed up with all of the sheer crap posing as parenting advice being potificated at the moment I have switched off. All it is doing is creating anxiety, perhaps so that parents will buy the new book or DVD on how to be perfect. It smells like a big multi-million dollar parenting advice industry, making sure we all believe there is a “problem’ so we keep buying parenting products.
      To my mind, it’s like the pharmaceutical industry’s modus operandi. Pharma companies are not allowed to market their drugs directly to us, so they pay doctors to “sell” disease on ads on TV, the good dctors telling us what symptoms we might have and that it might be such and such disease,  while the companies market their corresponding drugs directly to doctors and pharmacists, which is allowed. We then go to the chemist and buy them It must work because they keep doing it.

      Sound familiar?

      It might not be illegal for those in the parenting advice industry to market directly to us, but I am sure it helps shift product if we are all worried about an epidemic of bad parenting .
      And it is easy to make parents worry, with experts, websites etc., telling us we have lost all of our parenting skills and all is going to hell in a hand basket. But fear not;. the latest parenting guide is at hand.
      I wonder, how big are the profits being driven by all of this parenting angst? Or am I just cynical?
      There is some good advice out there, but I am so tired of blather. It is unhelpful, bloody annoying white noise. Parents, set yourself free. Turn it off.

      Reply

    • janec says:

      11:43am | 28/09/11

      Do you remember the recent one about forward facing strollers - that was a laugh!

    • Austin 3:16 says:

      06:35pm | 28/09/11

      Personally I think the fact that most kids will turn out ok is a testament to the resilience of children, not the skills of parents.

    • Anna C says:

      10:44am | 28/09/11

      Children are probably overparented these days because it is so bloody expensive to have them and when people finally do so they want to ensure that they give them the best start in life.

      In the olden days people popped out children one after another and it was normal to have older children supervising and helping to raise younger children. This was in the days before we became so bloody precious about everything and started blaming parents for their children’s every misdeed.

      I’d hate to be a parent now days, because if your children grow up to be drug addicts or failures in life people look at you like as if it is your fault.
      We need to give parents a break and stop telling them what to do all the time and blaming all of society’s ills on them.

      Reply

    • Average Joe says:

      12:42pm | 28/09/11

      “I’d hate to be a parent now days, because if your children grow up to be drug addicts or failures in life people look at you like as if it is your fault.”

      Uh, there was a point in time where this wasn’t the case? I’d hardly call it a new development.

    • Anna C says:

      01:06pm | 28/09/11

      Average Joe, parents especially mothers get blamed for everything. If the child turns out to be a serial killer they blame the mother because: she dyed her hair whilst pregnant;  or because didn’t take the recommended vitamins whilst pregnant; or she was too overprotective; or not protective enough etc etc.

      I’m glad I don’t have children.

    • Philip says:

      10:53am | 28/09/11

      there is no such thing as over parenting what you mean in overprotective parents, heres an idea why dont you attack the source of parents fears in this country ie crime rates that are spiralling out of control the lack of discipline in the home that people like you have caused which has made kids of today “invincible” in the eyes of the law we are seeing more crimes commited by children since the days of dickens in the western world, as well as more cases of violent bashings in the street from the men/women in their teens 20’s and 30’s paedophiles are cruising for kids more and more and all the judges and dogooders are doing is giving them a slap on the wrist australians are more and more calling out for harsher penalties even the death penalty for crimes that take the innocence away from a child. and all you can say is think of the children in other countries who are starving I say stop the aid close our borders and let nature take its course the problem will sort itself out by itslef.

      Reply

    • bec says:

      11:16am | 28/09/11

      There is such a thing as under-punctuating, however…

    • Anne71 says:

      12:41pm | 28/09/11

      Just because James Joyce got away with not using punctuation doesn’t mean you don’t have to use it, Peter.

    • Anne71 says:

      12:52pm | 28/09/11

      And yes, before anybody points it out, I realise the name was actually Philip, not Peter…
      My original point still stands, however.

    • Cynicised says:

      11:21am | 28/09/11

      I encountered a situation recently in which the extremely overweight, video-game addicted, pasty face child was not the victim of over-parenting, but rather of ineffectual, impotent parenting. They did not have the skills nor the perseverance to deal with their son’s refusal to excercise and socialize,so became his enablers, further complicating his isolation and unfortunately, leading him towards a miserable, depressed teenagehood by not having the balls to intervene.

      Over-parenting is just as bad as under- parenting. Not allowing children the opportunity to make their own mistakes, nor to discover the world in their own way, one scraped knee or bumped noggin at a time, is detrimental to the development of confident, capable, experienced, safe kids. Wake up, Aussie parents. Take off the blinkers, unwrap your kids, ground the helicopters and let them experience the world! Parenting is caring by setting reasonable boundaries, not imprisonment.

      All of this has absolutely nothing to do with the situation of children in developing countries. What a lazy comparison.j

      Reply

    • bec says:

      12:05pm | 28/09/11

      This is very similar to a child I taught several years ago. Lived with a single dad his whole life who had no sense of social discipline himself (worked from home on an eBay business and rarely ventured out of the house). This boy played no sport, did no homework, didn’t socialise with friends because dad had never ever been bothered to develop that discipline in him. The very worst of it was that dad didn’t bother to ever teach his son how to get out of bed and ready for school.

      It sounds very basic and the sort of thing that you might palm off as being the kid’s own laziness. But this is a child with learning disabilities and cognitive impairment (likely exacerbated by his upbringing). With some young people, you *can’t* leave it to them to form a routine like this without practice and discipline. Most young people can, but there are some who cannot - and in this kid’s case, it was directly his sole parent’s responsibility to do this.

      For a whole year, the boy came to school up to two or three hours late simply because his dad was too lazy to get him out of bed. When you fail at instilling in the child the very first thing they need to do in a day, you’ve failed at parenting.

    • Al says:

      11:26am | 28/09/11

      I also love all the kids who are moving out of home and have absolutely no idea of:
      - How to clean.
      - How to cook.
      - How to do laundry.
      - How to look after themselves at all.
      All of a sudden when they move out they are inundated and realise that having mommy or daddy do all these things over the years have left them unable to do it themselves without some learning on their part, or they simply pay someone else to do it.

      Reply

    • James1 says:

      02:36pm | 28/09/11

      After one of my sisters moved out of our parents’ place last year she was trying to cook soup.  She put a whole chicken in the pot with a bunch of whole vegetables and left it to cook for an hour.  When she thought it was done, she took it off the stove to drain it (in the process overlooking the need for a fundamental soup ingredient - liquid), and spilled the whole thing on the floor because the handles of her soup pot were hot.  To fix this, she got the vacuum cleaner out and tried to vacuum it all up.  This made the vacuum cleaner basically explode (apparently they are not made for liquids - go figure), in turn smashing the electrics in her ancient flat with no surge protector (which was all she could afford).

      In summary, her first home cooked meal not at our parents’ resulted in the destruction of her vacuum cleaner and the electrics in her place, burnt hands, a partially ruined kitchen floor, and the meal was not even edible.

    • Aussie Battler says:

      03:03pm | 28/09/11

      Spot on Al.  Which was why my wife really appreciated a call she received from our son just after he had moved out.  His comment
      ” Thank you mum, I did not realise how hard it was to do things” made her smile.

    • fairsfair says:

      03:04pm | 28/09/11

      ...and even into the workforce… we have a trainee receptionist at the moment (who is 19 years old and never had a job before, ever). I just delivered documents for couriering and she just asked if I could show her again how the stapler worked…..

      ummmm…..

    • Kika says:

      03:06pm | 28/09/11

      James1 - that’s bl&&dy; hilarious! I’m sure it wasn’t at the time… but who doesn’t know that vacuum cleaners aren’t designed for liquids? And a whole chicken in a pot on a stove for an hour… LMFAO!

    • Angry Fat Bitch says:

      08:54pm | 28/09/11

      All valid points, but riddle me this…. why do we automatically blame the parents?

      I think I was about ten years old when it occured to me that one day I’d have my own house, and when that time came I’d need to be able to cook and clean. So I made an effort to learn those things. My brother, on the other hand, didn’t even know how to use a washing machine. But that wasn’t my parents’ fault. He was just a lazy git that never learnt how to use a washing machine!

    • Anne71 says:

      12:57pm | 29/09/11

      AFB - My brothers had no choice but to learn how to use a washing machine, mend their own clothes or even basic cooking skills. My ex-Navy father thought there was nothing more useless and pathetic than a man who couldn’t take care of himself, and relied on the women in his life to do it for him. So Dad made sure my brothers, as well as us girls, had all those skills before they went out into the world.
      James1 - I shouldn’t laugh but I am anyway smile

    • Jade (the other one) says:

      11:43am | 28/09/11

      I think the issue that the author was highlighting is that in comparison to the social costs of abuse and neglect, a government commissioned study into “over parenting” by parents is less than warranted. That our middle class concerns over whether to hire the maths tutor or let him grow out of it, and the parental over-concern regarding playground injuries etc are demonstrative of parents who care, and who are interested primarily in doing a good job for their children, and that regardless of their mistaken path, the children will in the end be alright, especiall when compared with children whose parents don’t care at all.

      Reply

    • Average Joe says:

      12:10pm | 28/09/11

      Marshmallow generation is spot on.
      I think it’s sad that newstainment reports have beat up the “paedophile lurking on every corner just waiting to snatch your child in broad daylight” angle so much that parents are afraid to let their kids walk, ride or catch a bus to school. This is why the roads are choked so badly at school start and finish times - every kid has to be chauffeured in the family SUV to the school doorstep.
      The end result? Kids who, when they get to an age where they are walking/riding/PTing their way around have no concept of safely crossing roads or are able to effectively use public transport.
      In actual fact, your kids are probably as likely to struck by lightning as they are to be grabbed in broad daylight by a stranger, particularly if they travel in groups, and mum and dad teach them some common sense safety guidelines.

      Reply

    • Terra Nova says:

      12:23pm | 28/09/11

      Overparenting leads to marshmellows.
      Underparenting leads to watermelons!

      Reply

    • William The Conqueror (27/9/1066) says:

      12:55pm | 28/09/11

      In my day, Overparenting led to Coalition Voters.
      In my day, Underparenting led to Labor Voters.

      Reply

    • Noely says:

      01:03pm | 28/09/11

      Over Parenting is definitely just as abusive as under-parenting.  I live in the Noosa area and it is a very extreme demographic at the local high school, you have parents in massive 4WD’s living in million dollar properties and single parents with half a dozen kids living within the same 5klm area.  Even with those stark demographics the parenting in both categories seems to be split pretty evenly.  Just as many of the rich parents let their kids roam wild as the poor single mothered kids, same with the ‘precious’ kids, that seems to be equal as well.  There are a huge amount of kids (and this is high school) who have their mums coming in to disinfect lockers, double check every movie or book read at school for ‘dangerous’ content, every single afternoon taken up with some form of extra-curricular activity (shame the kids has no idea if they like violin as they started at the age of 3), basically it is really sad.  In fact the poor kids that have to work outside school, struggle to go on a school trip, are actually more well-balanced.  Saddest thing is, from my experience, most of those over-parenting are NOT loving their kids too much, they are trying to ‘re-live’ their lives through the kids, or it is status in society ie my kid is smarter, brighter, does more than your kid…  Shame the kids will be screwed up for years to come.

      Reply

    • jan says:

      01:23pm | 29/09/11

      parenting is about loving, caring, nurturing, protecting, teaching and developing the next generation of adults who will, in turn, be parents, teachers, plumbers, decision makers,  whatever ...parenting is about developing and instilling in young people an understanding of the society in which they will live, with respect for others regardless of their colour, ethnicity, religion or social class.
      We do need to be protective of our children but we can still give them the opportunity and freedom to explore life - to make some mistakes - albeit that we have given them the sense to understand the implications of some of these mistakes.
      As humans we learn by trial and error, by watching others - overparenting can take away some of this but it can also assure us of a future for our precious and loved children so that they have the opportunity to develop, learn and become involved, fullfilled,  productive and compassionate members of our society.

      Reply
 
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