One lesson from the election: Don’t mess with Kevin
I’m sure I am not alone in saying that every time I see Kevin Rudd on the television these days I hear Metallica playing Enter Sandman in the background and expect him to jump on a Harley and blow away a Columbian drug lord with a sawn-off.
Or maybe he just has a certain look in his eye.
The sad truth is that there have been no winners in this agonisingly protracted and policy-free election campaign. No winners except Kevin, that is.
Following his obscene shafting at the hands of a bunch of ALP powertrippers who were pulling more than just the levers, it is clear that Kevin had two primary objectives for the campaign.
The first was that Labor would lose office as a result of knifing him, a perfectly understandable emotional response given the circumstances. If one gets expelled from a school, the only appropriate response is to burn the school down. It is a grand old Labor Party tradition.
However it was obviously pointed out to him at some point during the campaign - let’s call it the point where Laurie Oakes’s phone stopped ringing - that if Objective One was realised he would not be foreign minister and get a nice UN posting.
And so he formed Objective Two: that the ALP wins and he gets to blow Australia to become secretary-general and leave those snivelling ingrates behind.
So to summarise: Objective One - Labor loses; Objective Two - Labor wins.
To a mere mortal, these would appear to be mutually exclusive goals. But to Kevin Rudd the laws of neither physics nor logic apply.
Labor did indeed lose the election by almost every measure - with Rudd’s knifing widely cited as a key factor - and yet was still able to form Government and make him Foreign Minister.
So to summarise: Labor is completely destroyed as a result of dumping Kevin; Kevin is rewarded with the portfolio of his choice.
Given the extraordinary scale of this political masterstroke, it is all the more astonishing that Kevin was unable to achieve the far simpler task of keeping himself as leader in the first place.
Indeed, the result is perhaps the strongest indication yet that God really does exist and was on Kevin’s side all along - although unfortunately He still doesn’t have a vote in caucus.
Should there be any further divine intervention, it is worth remembering that the UN Sec-Gen’s job becomes available at the end of next year. If Kevin gets it and there’s a swing of more than 8.5pc at the ensuing byelection, he may just end up bringing down the Government.
And that’s why you should never @#$% with Kevin.
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