Oi Barry! Leave the money on the fridge, would ya?
Dear Mr Obama,
Thanks heaps for your beaut speech to Parliament this week, in which you used heaps of Australian idioms and that. It was beaut.
Our prime minister looked at you like she dead set wanted to pash you, and our Opposition leader said something about being a fellow English speaker, which is a bloody riot, because seriously mate, have you heard us?
Anyway, as you’ll see if you go to any twenty-firsts or footy dinners while you’re here, we tend to do this right-of-reply dealio whenever anyone dings on a glass and makes a speech, so I thought I’d respond and stuff. Sweet as?
You said a lot about America and Australia being mates, ay. Well we agree. We agree because we reckon it’s your shout. And don’t you come back here with a Fosters. We just sell it to you Yanks because no bugger here’ll drink it. We were just bullshitting, ay. And while you’re at it, order us a pizza, would ya? That’s good American food. Maybe a Hawaiian, right? Am I right?
You did heaps of comparing our countries’ histories, and used the nicest, floweriest words ever to describe settlers butting in on native land and treating the original owners like crap. You talked a bit about reconciliation, and loads of other Australian facts like stuff about the ANZUS treaty and the names of some soldiers and things which was nice – it’s good to see you can get onto Google while you’re in your fancy plane. The peanuts the hosties give you on that thing must be delicious.
I like how you used your words and that. Like how when you were talking about the Asia Pacific region, you used words like ‘security’ and ‘prosperity’ instead of scarier words like ‘military’ and ‘money’. You’re a smart bastard, aren’t ya?
In fact, you talked a lot about Asia. I gotta come clean though, mate, we normal, everyday Australians don’t really get all that focus on creating jobs and opportunities for Americans, and ‘region-shaping’ and whatnot.
We just wanna make sure you’re not cuttin’ our grass. We’ve put a lot of time into making friends with the neighbours, and we’ve got a really good thing going. We like the stuff they make, and we can afford it. And seriously, mate, if you don’t try the prawn toast while you’re here, you’ve got rocks in your head.
You did go on a bit about hanging out here, to be honest. We get it. You want to stay in our garage for a bit. No worries. You know the drill. Leave your money on the ‘fridge.
You reckon we’ve welcomed American service members round these parts since World War II, and asked us to keep doing so. Shouldn’t be a problem, but you should know that we’ll ask for the same presents (in return for presence) that we always do from people coming here from America: Big Red gum, Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups, and sneakers. We’re right for cars and electronics, but. We get them from the neighbours.
I like what you said about North Korea, and not letting them proliferate and so on. Wait – they were the bad guys in M*A*S*H, right?
That bit near the end about human rights? Beautiful. But maybe shoosh about that just a smidge. We’re all for stuff like fighting injustices and preventing unnecessary deaths and that, ‘specially in other countries, but we’ve got a bit of a dodgy record politically with that stuff at home. Before we even start on the Kooris (because we’re finally but slowly getting somewhere there), I don’t spose Gillard’s had a chat to you about the pooftas?
See, the government’s happy to have ‘em march down the street with their nuts out in a demonstration of freedom and awareness and love and hope and solidarity and that, but they just won’t let ‘em get hitched. I know, it’s weird. We’re a nation that generally doesn’t care who you’re rootin’, as long as you’re not hurting anyone, but buggered if anyone wants to make it official or be recognised as just regular people who should be able to do what other regular people do and stuff.
Anyway, good speech, mate. Although that whole ‘God bless’ bit at the end didn’t really carry. You should’ve said something about cricket.
Read all about it
Up to the minute Twitter chatter
The latest and greatest
Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…
I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…
In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…