Scientists today published preliminary studies into a new contraceptive for men, designed to be worn as a slow release patch or as an implant under the skin. 

Grrrr… easy, tiger! Have you taken your pill?

Previous efforts at male contraception have suffered from several drawbacks, namely compliance of the males, and lack of trust on behalf of the female partners to believe that their beloved male is actually taking the contraceptive.

Females have always been keen to be the primary users of contraceptive, since they are left holding the baby, so to speak.  This new form of contraceptive solves both these problems in a unique and stimulating way.

The contraceptive itself works by removing the flagella of the sperm, rendering it non-motile, and hence unable to travel to fertilise the ovum. But it is not this effect which has had the scientists excited.
By sophisticated patented gene splicing techniques, the Lapmonic Institute of Male Productivity has managed to make use of the unique properties of scrotal skin tissue.

Dr Oma Liigo has taken the skin pattern genes from both the zebra and the chicit (a rare spotted marsupial possum), “piggy-backed” them onto a male contraceptive, and induced colour change in the scrotal tissue of other mammals.

Originally working with rats and guinea pigs, which have easily visible scrota, Dr Liigo and his team, after many years, produced scrotal patterns of stripes (from the zebra gene) and spots (chicit gene).

There were no side effects such as loss of libido, or any health related issues. The only side effect noted was in two subjects who experienced patterning further along the penis, as well as the scrotum.

This was not seen as a drawback. Male rats with patterned scrota were 99.2 per cent less likely to get a female pregnant. Success was then achieved with primates, although colour patterning with two monkeys, the rhesus and spider monkey was quite pale.

One pregnancy did occur in 200 test subjects over two years, representing approximately 1000 possible reproductive episodes. No side effects were noted.

Once patches or implants were removed, the pattern faded over several days, sooner than fertility returned, which normally can take one to two weeks. Fertility was readily assessed by microscopically assessment for the presence of flagellate sperm and for general sperm motility.

After three years, human trials of the contraceptive, tentatively called “Proiallof”, were approved and carried out.

Results were better than expected; patterning for the implantable contraceptive was stronger than the patch, probably as a result of a higher hormone plateau being achieved. No pregnancies occurred within the test group. Test subjects responded with varying degrees of acceptance to the patterning on their scrotums (50 per cent ‘yes’, 30 per cent neutral, 20 per cent ‘no’).

Acceptance increased by about 20 per cent (65 per cent/20 per cent/15 per cent) when researchers changed the names of the two patterns (originally zebra and chicit), to tiger and leopard; and it is expected that the latter two animals will be used in the marketing of the contraceptive, namely as Proiallof-T™ and Proiallof-L™, respectively.

An increase in libido was also reported by 38 per cent of test subjects, although the number of subjects was too small to say whether this was induced by the hormonal effects of the contraceptive, the patterning gene, or was just a psychosomatic response to the patterning.

Some obvious dilemmas faced by the new treatment were put to Dr Liigo. He was asked whether there is a chance that men could bypass the contraceptive and just use the genetic component to “enhance” their appearance, thereby looking as though they are “safe”.

Dr Liigo said:

The two components of the contraceptive are intrinsically linked. The contraceptive will obviously work on its own without patterning, since this is not new technology - using a combination of progestin and testosterone - but the patterning will not appear without the contraceptive. We tested many animals patterns, and these are the only two which we could induce to appear, and then only with the contraceptive.

As to promoting promiscuity; Dr Liigo responded that that is in the nature and culture of some men, and women, to be promiscuous, and it would be no worse than any other non-barrier method of contraception.

He said:

It is not the contraception that is new, it is the combination and packaging which will hopefully increase its use, particularly in countries where population is an issue. Men need not worry about their wives and girlfriends getting pregnant. Any step towards reducing the population explosion in developing countries should be encouraged, not condemned.

The use of the contraceptive has received criticism, as it does nothing to protect against sexually transmitted diseases. Dr Liigo again related this to the morality of non-barrier female contraception, such as the pill. If Proiallof was used in a stable relationship, as designed, less pregnancy would occur. No other claims would be made or indeed, implied.

What this does, Dr Liigo claimed, is solve two problems associated with the use of male contraception. Men are not averse to have their scrotums patterned in the colours of animals they see as strong, namely the tiger and leopard, and their partners can see at a glance that contraception is being taken.

Although the human tests were successful, testing protocols for public use and approvals for large-scale production could mean that the contraceptive would not be available for at least five years. 

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69 comments

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    • bec says:

      05:30am | 01/04/11

      I wish there was some sort of “like” function” for people without facebook.

      Anything is currently better than what we have (i.e. a dearth of male contraception), and this sounds pretty reasonable. The sight of a delightfully patterned nutsack is a small price to pay to be able to finally go off the female contraceptive pill.

    • acotrel says:

      09:20am | 01/04/11

      I saw a write up on a new contraceptive developed in Israel.  It a device that , when it detects an erection, produces an extremely loud sound of an explosion.

    • BK says:

      06:34am | 01/04/11

      Awesome news. Imagine a world where women cannot “forget” to take the pill to trap men.

    • Christopher says:

      07:22am | 01/04/11

      I’m sorry but this one is a no brainer. If you aren’t prepared to take 50% of the responsibility for raising a child you have two choices: Abstinence or take 100% of the responsibility for contraception.

    • Cloud Strife says:

      08:03am | 01/04/11

      Those damn womens! Always wanting to have babaies and trap men!

    • Sarah M says:

      08:59am | 01/04/11

      Agreed Christopher.

      I Have broken up with men for the.. “but I don’t like using condoms, they’re uncomfortable…” line. I don’t like taking pills, that make me ill, give me head aches, make me put on weight and feel lethargic…

    • Sad Sad Reality says:

      11:44am | 01/04/11

      A baby is always 100% a woman’s fault. A man can wear a condom but condoms are not perfect. Once a man has lost control of his ejaculate inside a woman, he has no more rights.

      Once an egg has been fertilised a woman has complete say over whether the baby is carried to term. Complete say = complete responsibility. If a man has absolutely no say whether he will be a father or not, he should have no responsibilities either way. Consent for sex is not consent for pregnancy. It is a woman’s choice and she should be made to live with it. Is that not the equality feminists fought so hard for? Both sexes granted an equal right to choose? Or is one sex more equal than the other? Either men get the right to terminate unwanted pregnancies or women wear the entire burden of rearing their decisions. You can’t have it both ways.

      Currently, the law offers incentives to women to get pregnant to men who don’t want children purely for personal financial gain. This is the opposite of equality and needs to end.

    • Kika says:

      01:34pm | 01/04/11

      Entrapment - the Australian way of conceiving children.

    • Kika says:

      01:38pm | 01/04/11

      Oh, and Sad Sad Reality I totally agree. If a man chooses that he doesn’t want the child and the child was conceived fradulently, the man should be able to ‘opt out’ of the child rearing and associated expenses. I absolutely agree with you on that.

      I’m still waiting for my husband to decide when we’re going to have kids… but I’ll wait patiently. My biological clock will run out by the time he’s ready… But I’ll wait.

    • loxy says:

      02:16pm | 01/04/11

      SadSadReality, I know it can be rough on men to not have any say on an unplanned pregnancy. And in fact, I know of two guys who really wanted to keep the child but the women aborted so it goes both ways. However, did you ever consider the burden of having to make that decision i.e. what to do with an unwanted pregnancy? As much as men seem to be able to emotional detach themselves from the fact that a women is carrying their child, it is not so easy for a women. The women experiences physical and emotional changes as a result of pregnancy which make it a MUCH harder decision whether to keep or terminate. Now I don’t condone for a second those women who trap a man by getting pregnant, however I don’t feel any sympathy for the men either, having sex is a risk, if you choose to have it, you choose to risk pregnancy or STI’s and that’s just the plain and hard reality.

    • Sad Sad Reality says:

      04:14pm | 01/04/11

      “did you ever consider the burden of having to make that decision i.e. what to do with an unwanted pregnancy?”

      Yes. I don’t want children. The decision is a no brainer. In fact if I was a woman I would swallow a morning after pill each morning after I had sex no matter how much protection was used.

      “The women experiences physical and emotional changes as a result of pregnancy which make it a MUCH harder decision whether to keep or terminate.”

      Agreed. Which is why women are often the least qualified people to make this decision. Someone with fluctuating body chemistry is simply not stable enough to make a decision that will forever alter three lives.

      “I don’t feel any sympathy for the men either, having sex is a risk, if you choose to have it, you choose to risk pregnancy.”

      Sex is not a risk. It is a biological necessity. Contraceptives used in conjunction with the morning after pill make pregnancy impossible. AKA unplanned pregnancy in 2011 is always a woman’s fault.

      Women lying about contraception in order to trap a man with an unwanted pregnancy should spend time in prison and lose all rights to their child. It is a form of rape for mine. The rape of a man’s independence and income for the selfish decision of a dangerous being.

    • Matthew says:

      05:53pm | 01/04/11

      Sad Sad Reality, no contraception is 100%.  If worn/used correctly then a condom has a very small chance of being ineffective and even when it breaks (mostly due to being past an expiry date or incorrect application) then the chance of getting pregnant is still lower than unprotected sex.

      The pill is better than condoms but still has a chance that it won’t work.  If you’re that worried then you should consider a vasectomy or better yet, find a women you do trust before shacking up with her.

      Also, a women has to undergo the surgery during an abortion.  I’m not saying that men shouldn’t have a say or become exempt if they disagree with the pregnancy from the beginning.  You’re definitely right about equality not being equal in this case, but currently the law allows it.

    • acotrel says:

      06:32am | 02/04/11

      @Sad Sad Reality
      ‘Both sexes granted an equal right to choose? Or is one sex more equal than the other? Either men get the right to terminate unwanted pregnancies or women wear the entire burden of rearing their decisions. You can’t have it both ways’

      You can tell this wasn’t written by a woman, - it’s logical!

    • acotrel says:

      06:39am | 02/04/11

      @ Sad Sad Reality
      ‘Women lying about contraception in order to trap a man with an unwanted pregnancy should spend time in prison and lose all rights to their child. It is a form of rape for mine. The rape of a man’s independence and income for the selfish decision of a dangerous being. ‘

      You sound like somebody who’s also been burnt by a woman who doesn’t recognise her duty of care?  I agree, rape it is, and there should be a law about entrapment?
      It’s easily as much a matter of rape,as the Julian Assange condom breaking case is in Sweden?

    • Liz says:

      06:40am | 01/04/11

      Hmmmm!Still the trust and compliance problems.

    • Knemon says:

      06:54am | 01/04/11

      The best form of contraception is misogyny!

    • George says:

      07:20am | 01/04/11

      Although statistically misandry in practice is more widespread!

    • Tubesteak says:

      09:38am | 01/04/11

      Then how do you explain the sexual success of footballers and many other professional athletes?

    • Adam says:

      10:08am | 01/04/11

      Tubesteak

      easy fame and money

    • Unprotected Species says:

      11:46am | 01/04/11

      Women love misogyny. Just look at Charlie Sheen’s strike rate.

    • Paul Horn says:

      12:21pm | 01/04/11

      Knemon is either a woman, a homosexual man or some geek who is umbilically tied to his mother. 

      Of all the men I know the only ones that are still single are the ones that treat women with too much respect. Women are simply animals and that is why Western Society with its flaccid obsession with “Womens Issues”  is fast becoming extinct!

    • knemon says:

      01:10pm | 01/04/11

      Paul Horn @ 12:21pm…keep guessing. Your comment is somewhat confusing though.

    • michael j says:

      01:42pm | 01/04/11

      @ I HAVE no idea what misogyny (no X ) is but Charlie’s probably got
      hundreds of millions in the bank,and he’s hiring Porno Stars, who could
      be lest than impressed with his strike rate,

    • acotrel says:

      06:43am | 02/04/11

      Perhaps there should be a law banning sex outside of wedlock?  Then we might find a decent life partner before getting into the complicated stuff? Sex is good, but it sometimes gets in the way of making sensible decisions. My sentence was 32 years, you get less than that for murder!

    • Daniel says:

      07:16am | 01/04/11

      No problem just tattoo your balls!
      Spread your seed boys.

    • Rick says:

      07:21am | 01/04/11

      So… can they make one that will give me leopard-print balls? That would be hot AND classy.

    • Richard says:

      07:42am | 01/04/11

      Tell me are all the above replies drafted by Proiallof as well, or is the mental acuity of Punch readers even worse than I feared?

    • 'TChong says:

      08:20am | 01/04/11

      Dickie- I’m sure youve heard of the Mighty Kev Kavanagh,?
      Patron Saint of the set up / gag .

    • Tim says:

      08:23am | 01/04/11

      Probably worse,
      although c’mon imagine having striped balls?
      It would be the bogan fashion accessory of the century. Definitely better than sleeved tatoos.

    • Tubesteak says:

      07:50am | 01/04/11

      Why haven’t they done something similar for women?

      If they’re on the pill why can’t their labia be differently coloured so they can’t pull the goalie?

      I want to see that too. Although I mgiht be a bit perturbed if I see anything other than pink down there. But then I’d be reminded that it’s not as important as bonking!

    • adie says:

      08:11am | 01/04/11

      Well if it ever comes down to me needing to prove im on contraception (not that im the type of girl who would lie about that kind of thing - i dont want to get pregnant), the thing is in my arm, and you can see it, and feel it.

      Makes things so much easier.  But it would be great if this male contraceptive goes ahead too.

    • Jane says:

      01:12pm | 01/04/11

      I can see how the conversation would go
      “Are you on contraception?”
      “yes”
      5 mins later he discovers no patterning and thinks, what the hay and has sex anyway.

    • John says:

      07:54am | 01/04/11

      April Fools!

    • Craig says:

      08:00am | 01/04/11

      Happy April Fool’s Day.

    • Nicko says:

      08:02am | 01/04/11

      Maybe the men who take this will be well equipped for the spaghetti harvest as well…

    • Tim says:

      08:24am | 01/04/11

      Haha,
      suckers.

    • hazym says:

      08:43am | 01/04/11

      Ummm…..what’s today’s date?

    • jester says:

      08:49am | 01/04/11

      April 1st…

    • David B says:

      08:49am | 01/04/11

      April Fools…..sadly I believe that is the case.

    • Paxtons wet dream says:

      08:53am | 01/04/11

      Zebra striped nut sack!! Hay ho lets go! We could call it Daktari and a new name for your willy could be Clarence the one eyed bald lion. I’m getting my safari suit dry cleaned just in case.

    • Paxtons wet dream says:

      10:28am | 01/04/11

      Article by Marco DiGirolamo. Studies by Dr Oma Liigo.

      DiGirolamo
      DrOmaLiigo

      I still want a Daktari nut sack!!! Where do I get one. I want it now. The feminists are trying to trap me into paying child support because it is all a conspiracy to belittle Erick who is obviously the most suitable candidate to be King and chief lawmaker guy and my pee pee is a funny shade of saffron because I cannot get my nutsack tattooed in a zebra pattern, and the voices in my head are getting louder and LOUDER….

    • TChong says:

      11:17am | 01/04/11

      Paxton- havent heard anyone mention the old Daktari , with Clarence , and the chimp ( Judy ?) plus some human actors, for many years.

    • Marco DiGirolamo - really. says:

      12:03pm | 01/04/11

      Nice one Paxtons.
      But you may have missed that Proiallof is an anagram of April fool.
      Cheers
      Marco

    • NicoleG says:

      08:57am | 01/04/11

      I call bullshit on this article!!!!!

    • Just Sayin' says:

      04:13pm | 01/04/11

      Not the sharpest tool in the shed ^

    • The Original Oz says:

      09:12am | 01/04/11

      That picture would have to be the most effective contraceptive I have seen in years.

    • Adam says:

      10:10am | 01/04/11

      Not so, I have been told too many times it’s actually my personality.

    • The Original Oz says:

      10:25am | 01/04/11

      That sounds like the old “It’s not me it’s you” line there Adam

    • Adam says:

      11:52am | 01/04/11

      Hey Oz,

      They have always said it was me never them. I’m not bitter though

    • Simon says:

      10:08am | 01/04/11

      Pity it is an Apriil Fools pisstake - i would have loved to have seen the new male fashions designed with holes in trousers for the purpose of showing off ones stripey nutsack…

    • Brian says:

      10:16am | 01/04/11

      Dammit, this isn’t fair! You’ve got me wishing this article were true, while at the same time facing the sad reality that it is not. Why do people do such good April Fool’s articles?

    • Stephy says:

      10:18am | 01/04/11

      April fools, right?

    • Matt says:

      10:19am | 01/04/11

      I get people like to have fun with April fool’s, but it’s a pain in the arse that for the whole day I have to check up on the authenticity of articles just in case they are BS.  Which this one is.  What is the point of April Fool’s anyway?

    • Paxtons wet dream says:

      10:40am | 01/04/11

      You had to check up that Marco DiGirolamo’s surname and Dr Oma Liigo have the same letters and number of letters.

      You’re not much good at cryptic crosswords are you.

    • Knemon says:

      10:50am | 01/04/11

      It’s a good question Matt - A bit of light banter I suppose.

    • Matt says:

      11:18am | 01/04/11

      Hmm yes I must sound like a grumpy old man, but I’m only 24 and always up for a joke.  Carry on!

    • NSW says:

      10:23am | 01/04/11

      I hate conversations about contraception. “Condoms are uncomfortable” “The pill makes me feel sick” “they dont make rubbers small enough for me” whine whine whine. It’s this simple - unless you want to procreate, keep your legs shut.

    • Kika says:

      01:35pm | 01/04/11

      Or your dilly dally in your pants. It’s not just the woman, you know.

    • jesscar says:

      10:33am | 01/04/11

      This would be so cool if it were real. Bloody April Fools.

    • Gladys says:

      10:58am | 01/04/11

      No. This is serious.

      There’s even the morning after thing a guy can take when he forgets to put the patch on and has unprotected sex.

    • PatC says:

      10:42am | 01/04/11

      Excellent - well thought out prank.

    • TChong says:

      10:43am | 01/04/11

      Finally, the razor sharp wit , that this site is universally renown for, is starting to appear.
      As my role model , Mr K. Kavanagh, would say, so, so many of yous
      ‘Were got a bewty”!

    • stephen says:

      06:51pm | 02/04/11

      Put on yer white coat mate, and walk the other way.
      Three are waiting for you, with leather and pipes.

    • dancan says:

      10:48am | 01/04/11

      Noooooo! April fools day.  And I had my hopes up for some sexy zebra balls

    • fairsfair says:

      11:00am | 01/04/11

      This article makes me think of the Full Frontal sketch about a male contraceptive pill called “True Blue”. It wasn’t a hit with the ladies. Man it was funny. I am not going to find the link for fear it isn’t as hilarious as I remember smile

    • Craigt says:

      11:34am | 01/04/11

      Took a bit to realise it was april fools… was looking forward to going to see charlie sheen and showing him i really DO have tiger blood running through my… balls…

    • Just Sayin' says:

      04:17pm | 01/04/11

      It seriously took people a while to work out this was a joke?  That’s the part I can’t believe…

      The very first tag, right under the headline, is ‘April Fools Day’ [sic].

    • M is for Moderation says:

      09:50pm | 02/04/11

      I don’t understand why every single topic on this blog turns into a men vs. women hate fest. You’re all taking out your bad experiences with individuals in your lives on complete strangers. Could we stick to the topic? As in a funny prank about zebra striped scrotum contraceptives? Seriously people I’m surprised there are any babies being born at all with all this negativity going on…

 

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