Hello, my name is Emma Jane and I am A Very Bad Mother. Not because I neglect my four-year-old daughter – but apparently because I don’t neglect her enough.

Time for school, little bub. Picture: Gary Ramage

If you have offspring, you’ll know that being called a “helicopter parent” is the insult du decade.

It implies that you hover over your kids like a whopping great Black Hawk, and has been blamed for everything from childhood obesity to weird new European balloon laws.

“Helicopter parents, rejoice,” The Huffington Post posted huffily last week. “A new European safety directive has banned children under the age of eight from blowing up balloons without supervision. Because they could swallow them and choke.”

In addition to depriving children of the joys of inflating coloured latex, overparenting allegedly produces ankle biters who have never been left alone long enough to experience the advantages of misadventure, failure and misery.

In her 2010 book Didn’t I Feed You Yesterday?, America mother-of-six Laura Bennett argues in favour of a retro approach: “Things have just gotten so crazy and out of hand, with helmets and seatbelts and what they eat and what preservatives are in there…”

Well. While seatbelt laws and nut-free child care centres might seem wacky and new-fangled, they’re not political correctness run amok but reflect real-life research that has given us real-life information about how to keep more kids more alive for longer.

And while it’s easy to ridicule laws such as the European balloon ban, it’s also worth noting that at least 68 US kids died from choking on balloons between 1990 and 2004.

Clearly someone needs to keep an eye on the small people. And if you’d rather it wasn’t the nanny state, then how about laying off those of us who are prepared to take up the slack?

I, for one, am coming out of the closet as an unashamed hoverer. What’s more, I refuse to accept that my household requires the urgent intervention of Overparenters Anonymous.

Having a hands-on mum doesn’t mean my child misses out on making her own mistakes. It just means there’s a large person ready to step in if anyone is bullied or at risk of losing an important body part to a “snissors sword” (my daughter’s current weapon of choice).

Despite the massive media coverage given to the alleged overparenting pandemic, all the research shows that it is an excess of disinterest and cruelty – not of engagement and kindness – that really causes kids damage.

Exhibit A is that two-year-old hit-and-run victim from China. If only she’d been surrounded by more helicopters and less willed social blindness.

See more Emma Jane over at The Australian.

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47 comments

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    • DaisyDuke says:

      04:57am | 20/10/11

      Polarise much? There is a spectrum of parenting between helicoptering and disinterest.

    • jay-ded says:

      06:36am | 20/10/11

      I agree DaisyDuke.  Some laws are in place for a reason, other’s just make you shake your head and go “what the?”

    • Bev says:

      07:38am | 20/10/11

      Totally agree.  Most parents sit in the middle. 

      “68 US kids died from choking on balloons between 1990 and 2004. “
      Some laws are over the top.  This statistic when broken down shows 4.8 children died each year.  The population of the US is 300 million??. Lets assume 1 million under the age of 8 (an under estimate)That is .0048 children per 1000 of the child population.  While tragic for the family it is an exceedingly small number, hardly worth legislation and I have erred on the side of under estimation.  The figure is probably much smaller.

    • quick... err stat. says:

      11:47am | 20/10/11

      Bev - as of 2000, there were 40,000,000 children aged 9 or under in the US, so close enough to 1 in 800,000 children die due to balloons in the US each year.

      The most common things to choke on are coins and food. The younger the person the more likely they will not be able to stop choking. Nearly two thirds (65%) of fatalities were among children younger than 3 years

      Of the deaths due to “Children’s products”, ie balloons & toys , balloons account for 29% of the deaths. Uninflated and pieces of broken latex balloons pose a particular hazard because of their ability to conform to the child’s airway and form an airtight seal.

      http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/125/3/601.full

    • SD says:

      11:58am | 22/10/11

      And how many kids died in car crashes? Let’s ban cars.

    • Kipling says:

      06:40am | 20/10/11

      The real question is, when your toddler has become a real person are you still going to be hovering? I am sure that will be a hit with your adolescent child that will cause them to instinctively gravitate to the safety of your boosom….

      One also wonders when you have more children if they will be hovered over quite as much….

      I think the first poster has nailed it in far less space, The spectrum in the middle is worth aiming for and, I suspect, is where the silent majority parent from.

      Perhaps there are just not enough children thrown out with the bath water…

    • Trevor says:

      06:50am | 20/10/11

      The only thing worse than helicopter parenting is ‘Tiger’ parenting.

      Disgusting.

    • TChong says:

      07:19am | 20/10/11

      The “Nanny State “is only an issue till something goes wrong, then the whole mess turns into “why didnt the govt. ( of whatever level and ideology) do something about it ?, sooner” ?

    • stephen says:

      07:52am | 20/10/11

      Helicopter parenting probably really means a parent who has to join in - interfere - with every activity that the child is involved in, an not just as a supervisor.
      Parents think they are so interesting to want to be a part of the fun, whereas the kid just wants to be left alone - ‘rack off mum, my playdo is waning’ - the an oldie has to goochie-goo and point out every detail of a toy, of a picture or a doll.
      ‘Keep an eye out Mum, but don’t come over, then I won’t point out the errors in your shopping.’

    • jessica says:

      10:53am | 11/04/12

      point

    • Liz says:

      08:21am | 20/10/11

      Whatever happened to good parenting with boundaries, teaching kids responsibilities and the consequences of actions?

    • mick says:

      08:25am | 20/10/11

      Thank God for those helicopter parents who care enough about their kids to be at home with them rather than at work or down at the club.  At least the kids who have mothers like this will not turn out delinquent and a problem to society.

      As for failing to develop properly it is far better that children have some self control and realistic egos rather than the inflated egos and distorted self worth values which the do gooders who coined the ‘helicopter mum’ phrase encourage.  In the end when kids turn our bad or at the very least wrong the do gooders are normally silent and back hiding back under their rocks, where they belong.
      Leave good mums to their devices.  they are a dying breed.

    • Bev says:

      08:36am | 20/10/11

      You left out half of the equation fathers. Balance is required as each brings different but necessary child rearing skills to the table.

    • Mark G says:

      08:47am | 20/10/11

      You assume that all helicopter parented kids turn out well. This is not always the case. Often the inability to understand real world consequences due to over protection turns kids into delinquents. It’s a significant part of middle class syndrome. Why kids who appear to have everything turn into misbehaving teens.

    • Rose says:

      09:06am | 20/10/11

      Helicopter parents are not good parents, they are parents so insecure that they don’t allow their kids any freedom or independence at all. I have met parents who never allow their kids to get outside and get dirty, their kids have never climbed trees or jumped in puddles. There are kids not permitted to go and play at a friend’s house unless mum stays the whole time, teenage kids who have never so much as caught a bus.
      These kids could probably end up academic high achievers, but what about their social development, what about becoming independent. There is as much chance if not more that these kids will indulge in some pretty serious risky behaviour when they finally do break out from mum and dad’s clutches (at uni probably).  I have known a lot of kids and a lot of them that have grown up in these restrictive relationships don’t necessarily grow up to be little angels, kids from really strict parents often just become really good at lying, while they’re doing stuff as bad or worse that what their ‘neglected’ peers are doing.

    • Les Wynan says:

      09:19am | 20/10/11

      Umm… wow…

      You don’t really understand the article at all, do you?

    • Jane2 says:

      09:35am | 20/10/11

      Mick, they do become a problem to society. They are the people who believe they are the most wonderful perfect individuals in the worls (because they have continually been told so) who dont believe all the rules apply to them (because whenever they broke a rule, Mum/Dad fixed it so they were never punished) and have zero coping skills as they have never been allowed to fail or been yelled at for doing something wrong etc.

      It is impossible to develop self control and realistic egos with helicopter parents.

    • YT says:

      10:28am | 20/10/11

      @Rose - my mum was always at the house I was playing at, she was good friends with my friends parents, she drove me to school each day and picked me up, I never once used public transport (didn’t live far enough away to have a bus pass for it and it was either that or walk) I don’t think I lacked anything in the parenting department, I knew then and now that my parents love me and just wanted me to be safe, as I was bullied a lot in school mum didn’t want me walking and give them time to bash me on the way to or from. She used to drop my sister and I off at the shops and pick us up after a couple of hours depending on what we were doing, this was before mobile phones when we could call her to come get us. I am now 31, hold a steady job, pay my taxes and don’t engage in any risky behaviour so I fail to see how my mum was a bad parent

    • LISA says:

      11:54am | 20/10/11

      Mick, I pretty much agree with everything you wrote.  Except “parents who care enough about their kids to be at home with them rather than at work…”.  What the hell is wrong with working?  I raised my son on my own after leaving my alcoholic husband when I was pregnant.  I worked full time and my son is now at uni studying high school teaching. 

      I’m putting everyone on notice—STOP BASHING SOLE PARENTS.  We do our very best with very little resources and support.  The majority of us did not choose this life.  I wanted to be happily married with a couple of children.  Instead I live in a regional area where my workskills and experience count for nothing and I have to put up with idiots claiming they know more about my life and my son just because they are in a two parent family.

    • Bev says:

      01:02pm | 20/10/11

      LISA says:12:54pm | 20/10/11

      I’m putting everyone on notice—STOP BASHING SOLE PARENTS.  We do our very best with very little resources and support.  The majority of us did not choose this life.

      Your problem is that all single parents are lumped under the same umbrella regardless.  Sounds like you were in a position where your choice was the best one.  Many however do choose the life.  You cannot tell me that since 80% of divorces (women with children) are initiated by women that all of those divorces are because the man is bad.  Many I would suggest are because of unrealistic expectations of men.  To this you must add the never married mothers many of whom have multiple fathers to their children.  A group with a large contribution to the 70% of physical abuse and neglect of children by mothers.  I agree many women do a good job under difficult circumstances but there is a large increasing number who don’t.  We cannot blame bad husbands for all of the aprox 1 in 3 children in mother only families though many try to.

    • Alex says:

      01:29pm | 20/10/11

      I am in full support of Lisa’s comment, my mother is in the same situation as hers. It can’t be easy to be a sole parent. There is so much nonsense and bullshit goingSupposedly all these children are drunk and drugged and fighting. I am none of these things and neither are any of my friends from sole parent families.

    • Steve says:

      08:37am | 20/10/11

      Emma Jane - as you bought up your own parenting style, I feel it OK to point out that your child will probably reach his/her twenties with less independence, worse decision making and much higher expectations that they are the centre of the known universe for every single person lucky enough to meet them, than children who have been less protected from making their own mistakes and learning from those mistakes.

      But it is none of my business (unless I have to decide whether or not to hire them).  So smother away!

    • Mark G says:

      08:38am | 20/10/11

      You don’t have to be a helicopter parent to be a good parent. A helicopter parent is not one who makes sure their kids are not playing with knives or touching hot plates. A helicopter parent is one who make the child care centre remove all knives within a 1 km radius and does not allow them to have anything on the premises that gets hotter than room temperature. I think this article misses the point of why helicopter parenting is not a good thing. I have three daughters and one step daughter. My wife is a reformed helicopter parent after she came to the realisation that my step daughter at age 12 (ie one year before being a teenager) was completely incapable of using a knife at the dinner table. Why? Because her mother (now my wife) was so scared of her choking on food that she cut up all her food into small pieces before handing her the plate. The eating ritual for my step daughter only ever required a fork and never required her to cut anything. Post age 12, this has started to be embarrassing for her as she struggles to maintain finger dexterity when using utensils.

      The problem with most parents is they don’t really understand their job. Although part of parenting is to ensure that no harm comes to your kids, this is not the main role of a parent. The main role of a parent is to prepare their kids for life in the ‘Real World’. Life in the ‘Real World’ does not involve parents hovering over every part of an adult child’s life. You need to raise your kids to deal with everything that life throws at them so that when they are adults they can deal with adult situations without inputs for you. You can’t always be there. By all means protect your child against danger but don’t protect them against negative consequences. The human mind adapts to negative consequences. If you are never exposed you never learn.

      I have met more than one young adult that is completely incapable of making sound decisions for the simple reason that they have never had to. Finances are about who is going to give me money today. Gen X helicopter raised adults and now Gen Y, demonstrate poor life skills and are the first to complain when people will not give them what they want. This has bred the overinflated sense of entitlement that these new generations seem to have.

    • YT says:

      10:47am | 20/10/11

      Just like Howard in TBBT hahaha

      also include not telling them they are wonderful at something when they’re clearly not, I am all for encouragement of things they show promise in but seriously, if your kid sounds like they are running over a cat with a lawn mower when they sing, don’t tell them they’re the next big sensation and could make it on X-Factor

    • Effective Parent says:

      12:12pm | 21/10/11

      My ex-wife is a helicopter parent. My 9 year old gets a steak knife at my house when we have steak, my 5 year old gets a normal knife but I cut up her steak anyway. They eat EVERYTHING with spoons at their Mum’s house!
      I let them do dangerous stuff like light the fire & play with slingshots, I just supervise while they’re doing it. Getting a fish hook stuck in your finger is an important life lesson as a kid, it teaches you that pointy things can hurt if used improperly.

    • Arnold Layne says:

      08:56am | 20/10/11

      There is a considerable difference between responsible parental supervision and helicopter parenting.  Stepping in when a dangerous situation looms is far different to not allowing kids to do or try anything in the first place.  Good parenting keeps them alive, helicopter parenting sucks the life out of them.

    • Rose says:

      09:29am | 20/10/11

      I love your last sentence, summed the whole thing up really!!
      I must add though that accidents and illnesses can happen to anyone and helicopter parenting is not necessarily going to keep your child safe from all the things that can harm them. There are a lot of children who have died or been seriously injured despite good parenting or even helicopter parenting. The difference is that children who are raised by good parents are more likely to learn to recognize and be able to handle risky situations at a far younger age than children who lived in overly sanitized, risk averse (obviously reasonable risks) environments with mummy and daddy safety net hovering all the time.

    • Bev says:

      09:44am | 20/10/11

      Short to the point and totally on target.

    • BE says:

      09:13am | 20/10/11

      Helicopter parenting tip

      Each morning before your kids leave the house, parents should take a picture of them. That way, if they are kidnapped, the police will have a fresh photo showing what clothes they were wearing. Once the kids make it home safe and sound, you can delete the picture and take a new one the next morning.

    • Markus says:

      10:15am | 20/10/11

      But what if the police need a progressive record of how your child has aged day to day over the last 10 years? Any good helicopter parent knows that the first thing kidnappers do is give the kid a haircut!

    • Kay says:

      10:22am | 20/10/11

      Excellent idea, but why delete them?

    • YT says:

      10:56am | 20/10/11

      Why not instead each day take pictures of them with different hair styles, in different types of clothes just incase the kidnapper changes them too, it’s usually only the girls that get the hair cut to make them look like boys as the cops would be looking for a little girl, so pin the hair up and dress her as boy so the cops have all the info.

      although i would love to take some scissors to some of the boys i have seen with rats tails, honestly people that look went out with the mullet but I constantly see boys with the short hair except for one long strip, I should carry scissors with me and chop them off when the parent isn’t looking

    • Redeker Plan says:

      09:51am | 20/10/11

      Let me first put my hand up and say I don’t have kids, OK?  But helicopter-parenting is on my radar as well.  I’m an only child with an Irish Catlholic Mum who was VERY over-protective when I was a child and teenager.  But I was still allowed to make mud-pies, climb trees, take off to the park with my bike and my very large dog and generally be a rough-and-tumble tomboy. 

      But kids now? Jeez, they’re delicate little petals; utterly incapable of not only looking after themselves, but seeking help when they’re in trouble.

      For example, that kid who was “lost” by Qantas on Monday night?  When I first heard the shock-horror news flash about it I imagined a toddler in my head, and thought “Wow, that’s horrible.” But he was 11 YEARS OLD.  Unless he is developmentally-delayed, HTF, at that age, was he incapable of either ringing his mum himself or approaching someone in authority (Qantas staff, airport police, ANYONE) and letting them know of his situation?  From the age of about 5 I knew what to do if I got separated from Mum at the shops or whatever - how to ask for help, what my Mum’s name was, etc.  How can an 11-y-o not be able to do that?  Because he’s probably had it drilled into his head by a helicopter parent that every person in the world other than immediate family is out to get him, so now he’s too afraid to ask for help.

      That’s the difference between normal parental protectiveness and helicopter parenting.  If you protect your nearly adolescent child to the point that they can’t function when left to their own devices in a controlled environment for an hour or two, or can’t seek help when needed - you’re doing the parenting thing wrong.

    • philip says:

      12:32pm | 20/10/11

      his mother works for the tasmanian kidnapping services

    • Anna C says:

      10:33am | 20/10/11

      Your damned if you do and your damned if you don’t.

    • snowpea says:

      10:35am | 20/10/11

      What a joke this article is! Helicopter parenting does not bring up more responsible children. It brings up children who can’t cope with disappointment, who feel they couldn’t possible do anything wrong. My parents were both teachers and helicopter parents made their lives difficult.. children do things wrong, that doesn’t mean they are bad people, it just means they are being children - growing up and making mistakes. Children need to be appropriately disciplined so they learn from their mistakes, not constantly bailed out because parents think their children are perfect. And on another note, I actually think it is laughable you could defend the European balloon legislation.

    • Lolly Legs says:

      10:53am | 20/10/11

      In young age, parents are supposed to look after kids
      In reality, Baby Sitters and Grand Parents eally look after kids.
      In old age, kids are supposed to look after parents.
      In reality , kids dump parents in nursing homes.
      Nuirsing Homes look after parents until inheritance time.
      Kids keep away from parents until inheritance time!

    • Cynicised says:

      11:10am | 20/10/11

      Emma, as others have already said, you imply that there is no middle ground between bubble-wrap, helicopter, over-protective parenting and neglect. This is the major flaw in your piece. That middle ground is exactly where most people try to sit.
      Over- protected kids don’t learn how to recognize danger in their environment. I remember a police officer telling me that kids who walk to school every day get to know their surroundings and will soon notice something out of the ordinary. Kids who only do so occasionally (when the car is being serviced, say) have no idea of what is normally in that environment, so may be they don’t notice the creepy guy hanging around. This is just one example of why letting our kids become confident without a parent hovering is a great idea.

      By all means protect your child from major injury, but don’t deny them the opportunity to develop the skills they will need to recognize hazards on their own. Experiential learning which may occasionally result in a skinned knee or dirty clothes is what childhood is all about.

    • Average Joe says:

      11:17am | 20/10/11

      Neglecting your child is obviously a very bad thing to do. But constantly hovering over them and not letting them discover things for themselves (obviously within reasonable boundaries) isn’t doing them any favours, either. Overparenting produces children who become adults with little to no coping skills, over reliance on others, and find every day life experiences daunting. Sadly, a large chunk of Gen Y seems to be the result of this kind of upbringing.
      For crying out loud people, there is a middle ground here. Somewhere between leaving your newborn out in the woods overnight to see if they’re strong enough to survive (Viking-style) and wiping their bums for them until they’re teenagers is a reasonable compromise.

    • Jimbo says:

      11:43am | 20/10/11

      I agree with the point of the article being that there is a distinct lack of parenting happening in modern society.  As tragic as the accident was in Victoria where the young boys were hit by the train, WHERE WAS THE PARENT ?  And don’t get me started on full-time childcare - this is not the answer for kids younger than 3 - every meaningful study / reasearch shows that this is harmful, yet our society actively encourages it.  For the commenter who asked why kids are growing into such sh!tty teenagers & young adults - that’s what will happen without parental love and discipline.

    • Kate says:

      08:01pm | 20/10/11

      I thought the same thing at first, Jimbo, but apparently the child’s mum was nearby and the kid just ran out onto the train tracks from the backyard where they were playing.
      I do wonder why they were playing in a backyard next to a train track with no fence surrounding it, though, that sounds like a very silly idea.

    • Jane2 says:

      01:53pm | 20/10/11

      EJ you said you daughter currently likes treating scissors like a sword. Here is a novel idea, remove the scissors and tell her that until she is able to treat scissors or any other tool (includes knives, forks, soades and anything else that is definately not a tow) as a tool not a toy, she is not allowed to use them.

      It wont take long before she is tired of asking Mum to cut something for her and will ask to use them. Hold out for a couple of days of cutting type excercises. Give them to her with a warning and if she does it again take them away again.

      For the sake of her and all those around her, she doesnt need someone to step in after she has stabbed someone, she needs to learn that you dont use scissors like a sword!

    • Al says:

      03:55pm | 20/10/11

      Here’s an idea, take the scissors away and say “Scissors are not a sword.” Next you go and get a ceremonial sword (those ones that may be pointy but don’t have a sharp edge) and say “This is a sword, try swinging that around”.
      Next, fall over laughing as they struggle to lift it, let alone swing it.

      (Sorry, I couldn’t resist a smart comment. I don’t realy expect you to give a child a sword before they have undergone training in how it is used properly such as Fencing or Kedo instruction etc.)

    • Markus says:

      10:00pm | 20/10/11

      Any kid who could lift a claymore/longsword has earned the right to do as much damage with it as possible smile

    • Tim the Toolman says:

      02:23pm | 20/10/11

      Helicopter parenting tip.  There’s a 100% chance your children will die if they are born.  Please ensure you start “protecting” your child early.

    • thatmosis says:

      03:59pm | 20/10/11

      Lolly Legs, great way to beat them at their own game, spend the inheritance and leave them with a big bill.
      As for helicopter parenting well, what can one say. Do we want people who are capable of looking after themselves in most situations or do we want people who have to rely on others most of the time just to survive. Id prefer the first choice and that comes from letting kids have the occassional fall, making mud pies and climbing trees, sharing thier ice cream with the dog lick for lick not some moddy coddled little darling who has each and every movement supervised by mum, or dad, until they have no idea of what to do to survive in the real world. Experience is one of the best teachers but then again mum and dad should be there to pick up the pieces after the falls or whatever but allow kids to live.

    • marley says:

      06:16pm | 20/10/11

      “Teacup kids.”  Beautiful to look at, but fracture when placed under any stress.  That is what the universities are dealing with these days, and helicopter parents who have protected their kids from every possible failure, hurt or challenge, are responsible.

      It is not “neglecting” your child t let him climb a tree or fall off a bike or get a failing mark in a class.  You don’t have to cut down the trees, sell the bike or tell the teacher that your child’s self esteem is being damaged by getting a fail mark in math. You need to let the child learn that he’s not always going to succeed;  that success requires work;  and that sometimes failure hurts.  You need to make sure he understands you love him regardless, but you need to make him take his own lumps (within reason, of course).  Otherwise, at the age of 19 or 20, he’s a teacup, completely incapable of coping with the real world.  And you have neglected the most important thing a parent can do - raise an adult.

 

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