As Banjo Paterson noted - there’s something very Australian, in fact primordial, about lining up with your mates each mounted on half a tonne of horseflesh, sticks in hand, cantering forward to meet mounted opponents to battle over a hard ball.

It's not all great hair and popped collars, you know

This is how I spend every waking hour possible; playing polo. It’s an addiction - but I’m not a wanker. Au contraire.

On Fridays, I used to count down the hours to beer o’clock with work mates at the Crown hotel. Now I’m up at 4am to start work at 5am to leave at 2pm so I can drive an hour to the country for afternoon chukkas.

Yes, chukkas, the uninterrupted polo playing session that lasts about seven minutes each, played in quarters. Neither you or your horse (known traditionally as ‘ponies’) can last any longer.

I’m new to the sport. It is seven minutes of the most ab-crunching, fear-raising, thigh-busting balancing act you could attempt. Playing sport at high speed on a live animal. Go figure.

If TV commercials for abdominal shaping devices were realistic then late night Dentel ads would feature polo ponies. For the first time in two decades, post three children - I can see my abs. They actually look good - but I’m not a wanker.

I’ve discovered that hitting a ball at high speed from the back of a moving beast takes a fair amount of courage. As soon as you join the ranks of polo players, there’s instant camaraderie.

Whether you’re rich or poor…well there’s not many of them besides me…whatever your level of skill you are universally nodded at by the ‘real’ players. Getting the timing right, your swing, your horse’s movements, your seat right all at one moment in time makes the rest of the world and your problems disappear. Fast.

Courage is also needed to wear the obligatory white jeans. My Sass and Bides have got a workout - rubbed with horse snot, sweat and leather at high speed leaves odd stains in embarrassing places.

I’m now trying on long leather boots (hand made) - they hurt. I’m instructed to take the pain and stretch the leather and these $950 boots will be mine if I pay $350-cash to a dashing Argentinian who’ll also provide me and a polo helmet that resembles a pith hat plus a hand-made cane mallet, knee guard, eye protection and membership.

I’m not wealthy - I can’t afford to hire polo ponies each time I want to play. Then someone gives me a horse. Gives me a horse - my life long dream. Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

My horse now boards during the week at the Shangri-La of horse resorts, and if I play my cards right I might get a look in myself one day. 5-star stable accommodation with Mozart and Bell Birds playing. Baby Jesus’ manger had nothing on this place.

Welcome to the new age of horse training. Natural horsemanship, where the horse volunteers to be part of your activities. “Let the horse choose you” my instructor yells. “Don’t look at it!” Apparently showing your eyes to your horse reminds him of a lion. The rule is: look down, walk away, visualise him following you. Miraculously it works. I am not a lion.

Whatever you visualise the horse senses and makes it happen. When playing polo never, repeat, never visualise falling off. I made that error cantering about on the polo field just as I was leaning off my horse to take a shot. As soon as I thought I might fall off, the horse made it happen. Bam on my arse from a canter to the ground, nothing hurt, just embarrassed. From now on I visualise me winning everything. So far so good.

My polo friends buy me a gold necklace with a pony on it. Now to fit in all the saddles, swags, new clothes, hay and alcohol (an integral part of polo life) into my car I buy a four-wheel-drive. Not just any four wheel drive. A 3.4 litre twin cab Toyota Hilux ute with roll bar, bull bar, roo lights, dog chains and a cup holder in the rear tray. No one beeps you in a Toyota Hilux ute especially on Sydney’s north shore. But I’m not a wanker.

It’s a Saturday, the sunshine has a bite to it and I notice country lads and polo players turn up their collars to shade their necks. I do likewise and it works. I catch my reflection after my last chukka; fit, scruffy…some might say “windswept”, gold necklace glinting in the sunlight under my upturned collar as I load my polo mallet and gear into my four-wheel drive, while my horse visualises me returning to the North Shore. Lots of hugs with my polo mates till next time we play.

They are salt of the earth, gutsy, life-educated. It is soul rendering good fun to survive each encounter with them and their ponies. I climb up into my Hilux confident in the knowledge that I’m not a wanker - not at all.

Comments on this post will close at 8pm Eastern time.

Most commented

11 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • iansand says:

      08:00am | 25/11/12

      It’s like most sports.  I have knocked around sailing for most of my life.  At the bar you have no idea who the bloke paying the bills is.  And a lot of those bills are really, really big.

    • Gregg says:

      08:16am | 25/11/12

      Aah, so Helen what is your story?

    • sunny says:

      08:23am | 25/11/12

      I put on a polo shirt to read this article. I’ve sent away for a mallet, and saving up for a mail order pony ..a smart pony, because I’m going to teach it to dive in the penalty area. Seeya in the chukka smile

    • Philip says:

      08:37am | 25/11/12

      That’s a very good description of why people who play polo really are wankers.

    • acotrel says:

      05:17pm | 25/11/12

      ‘My name’s Helen and I play polo, but I’m no wanker’

      Self-praise is no recommendation !

    • ronny jonny says:

      08:40am | 25/11/12

      Helen, you have discovered the joys of country pursuits. Whether it’s hunting, fishing or horse riding, at it’s best it’s about the tradition, camraderie and a few drinks. Good on you, that’s why we do these things. Now you should get into a decent fox hunt, if you can find one.

    • Paul M says:

      12:02pm | 25/11/12

      Fox hunt! With quad-bikes, naturally. No guns: you just run them down. It’s nature’s way.
      They should close the roads here in Canberra once a month between 10PM and 2AM for The Hunt. It’s be awesome.

    • ronny jonny says:

      01:44pm | 25/11/12

      You’d have to sick your blue heeler onto em a bit

    • St. Michael says:

      12:56pm | 25/11/12

      Just bite the bullet and take up jousting, Helen.  It’s the only horsebacked sport that matters. wink

    • Enjoy says:

      01:31pm | 25/11/12

      Heels down, sit tight, the beast beneath you waits for the slight pressure from the knee, is it a gentle movement or is he/she required to explode, enjoy the feedback of a flying change as you follow the ball and let the wind whistle through you hair.
      No matter the outcome you will enjoy the experience and as you walk off the field the addiction has you.  Come Tuesday you will wake up sore in muscles you never knew existed.
      Enjoy…...

    • stephen says:

      04:28pm | 25/11/12

      Where’s the horse ?

      (Actually, I was gonna ask ‘which one’s the horse ?’ ... but I know her, and she’s only a donkey.)

 

Facebook Recommendations

Read all about it

Punch live

Up to the minute Twitter chatter

Recent posts

The latest and greatest

The Punch is moving house

The Punch is moving house

Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…

Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?

Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?

I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…

Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”

Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”

In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…

Nosebleed Section

choice ringside rantings

From: Hasbro, go straight to gaol, do not pass go

Tim says:

They should update other things in the game too. Instead of a get out of jail free card, they should have a Dodgy Lawyer card that not only gets you out of jail straight away but also gives you a fat payout in compensation for daring to arrest you in the first place. Instead of getting a hotel when you… [read more]

From: A guide to summer festivals especially if you wouldn’t go

Kel says:

If you want a festival for older people or for families alike, get amongst the respectable punters at Bluesfest. A truly amazing festival experience to be had of ALL AGES. And all the young "festivalgoers" usually write themselves off on the first night, only to never hear from them again the rest of… [read more]

Gentle jabs to the ribs

Superman needs saving

Superman needs saving

Can somebody please save Superman? He seems to be going through a bit of a crisis. Eighteen months ago,… Read more

28 comments

Newsletter

Read all about it

Sign up to the free News.com.au newsletter