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My name is Sarrah and I don’t watch MasterChef

Sarrah Le Marquand

by Sarrah Le Marquand

16 Jul 05:45am

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Filed under: Masterchef, Pop Culture, Television

35 comments

After a week in which the country went into a collective meltdown following the eviction of someone called Marion Grasby, it’s easy to forget there are actually people who don’t watch MasterChef.

Six-pack of chicken sandwiches thanks

Perhaps it’s time for those of us who have somehow managed to miss the entire series to form a self-help group.

I can’t have been the only one left feeling completely bewildered by overhearing spirited conversations about satay sauce everywhere I go. Can I? I’m not sure fans of the show understand how bizarre lengthy debates over the finer points of Thai cuisine cook-offs sound to their hopelessly uninitiated friends and colleagues.

I didn’t set out to remain ignorant of the runaway hit. As someone who is counting down the days until the new series of Australia’s Next Top Model, I’m not adverse to reality shows that centre on weekly eliminations and manufactured melodrama.

It’s the subject matter that disinterests me. I’m just not into food shows. I struggle to feign enthusiasm over cooking in real life, much less devote my evenings to watching total strangers flit about a kitchen.

But news of an American company unveiling the latest development in pre-packaged cuisine might be enough to persuade even this anti-foodie to see the light.

It’s the invention we’ve all been waiting for – a sandwich in a can. Going by the name Candwich, it will be sold in three flavours, each sounding more disgusting than the last. There’s peanut butter & strawberry jam, peanut butter & grape jam and barbecue chicken.

Taking the concept of non-perishable food to a new low, they boast a long shelf life, do not require refrigeration and will be available in vending machines as an on-the-run meal for busy people.

Canned sandwiches? Has it really come to this? Even someone of my limited culinary skills can assemble a freshly cut sandwich when required.

Suddenly MasterChef isn’t just a popular television program – it’s the very key to civilisation. If a couple of million viewers remaining glued to the antics of a bunch of amateur chefs is all that stands between us and sandwiches in a can, then sign me up.

Come next year I vow to tune in to each and every episode.

I’m not sure what difference having one more aboard the MasterChef bandwagon will do, but conveying the impression we’re a nation of knowledgeable foodies might just help delay the arrival of canned sandwiches on our shores.

Plus I’ll finally know what everyone’s talking about when they huddle around the watercooler to analyse the distinction between a macaron and macaroon.

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35 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • deb says:

      08:21am | 16/07/10

      save us from canned sanwitches ,we already have enough americanism`s here now!after living over the big water for six years i suffered culture shock coming home to a sandwich that comprised two slices of bread and was about a tenth of the size i got used to in the states.breakfast came on three plates and i needed to go to Wallmart often to upsize my jeans.

      Reply

    • Ziggy says:

      09:10am | 16/07/10

      Quite right! On my last vist to US I bought a tub of ‘gourmet potato salad’ from a chain store deli in LA. Only to find that the lable listed over 58 ingredients and the use by date was May 2012! Go figure.
      Thre is a business in New Jersey that will guarantee that they can reproduce any taste via chemical additives.
      Hoever, I miss being able to buy a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts for ony $3.98 at Walmart! Not to mention the apple and custard turnovers.

    • Nick says:

      08:53am | 16/07/10

      Don’t bother. MasterChef will jump the shark very soon. Like Kevin Rudd everyone loved it at first, but will quickly grow to hate it. The little things are already starting to grate.
      The judges are increasingly believing their own hype. Talk of Matt Preston getting his own show is very bad news for the series.
      The elimination challenges are stupid. I mean Jimmy (who can cook curry or curry or curry) is in the final. Courtney got eliminated for writing mint instead of spearmint or something stupid like that. More results like these and people will tune out.
      Finally, the judges/producers can eliminate/bring back anyone they want. The audience has no say and they will tire of the manipulation.

      Reply

    • JJJ says:

      02:51pm | 16/07/10

      I never loved Krudd. Not even now in hindsight nor after he cried (but now there is a similarity to Master Chef!).

    • Billy B says:

      09:02am | 16/07/10

      I don’t watch Master Chef either.  Never have, don’t intend to.

      Reply

    • BJ says:

      09:30am | 16/07/10

      Ditto.

    • Practical says:

      09:47am | 16/07/10

      Watching a food show without getting to eat the food is like watching porn and not masturbating.

    • Adam Diver says:

      10:37am | 16/07/10

      @ Practical

      Congratulations that is easily the “comment of the day”, rarely do the coments make me laugh

    • Arnold Layne says:

      12:16pm | 16/07/10

      I don’t watch it either.  I’m into eating rather than cooking!

      @Practical - absolute gold!

    • Ben says:

      01:01pm | 16/07/10

      +2 practical hahaha! Too good!

    • Fats says:

      03:12pm | 16/07/10

      @ Practical… you could cook while watching Master Chef - that’s pretty much the same thing.

      I used to eat pizza while watching the Biggest Loser. Now THAT is fun (that you can even share with friends!).

    • stephen says:

      02:19pm | 18/07/10

      Practical, i ain’t comin ter your place fer tea, but invite Mel G. instead, cause i hear he’s good with his hands.

    • Ziggy says:

      09:05am | 16/07/10

      At last someone who realises that the modern acceptance of ‘chefs’ (never ‘cooks’!) as some sort of universal seer is all bunkum. Poncing prats with an incredible over estimation of their value to society. Why we pay over $100 for a simple steak at one of these ‘great chefs’ restaurant is a real mystery.
      Or we can’t understand that their ‘fresh’ ingredients are, in fact, months old in most cases is also a puzzle.The fact that they don’t know also speaks to their own fake ‘expertise’.

      Reply

    • Meggles says:

      09:51am | 16/07/10

      Ok - I get it…  Masterchef viewers turn into pompous foodies while the show is in it’s run.  We love food, can talk about the produce and the techniques and can do so much better than the contestants can!
      But allow my to point out, that each of us has a “pompous” expert come out sometime during the television watching year - whether it be the Olympics (gymnastics and diving are my specialty), World Cup (skipped this one!) or Survivor et al!
      Allow us poor addicts to this very amusing (and frustrating) show one last week of watercooler torture…  it’ll be over soon, and while many will be in grief stricken state for some weeks, some will be as fickle as be and move onto the next show…  Alan Sugar’s the Apprentice anyone?

      Reply

    • middle of nowhere says:

      10:12am | 16/07/10

      I haven’t had to suffer any of Masterchef nor will I have to suffer Australian Idol or any of channel ten’s reality shows. I recently moved to Central Australia. There is no channel ten here. apart from missing the odd episode of the simpsons I do not really miss it. No endless law & order reruns for me

      Reply

    • Helen says:

      10:25am | 16/07/10

      This has been said many times before, but it gets kids cooking, and that’s a real plus. I’d rather see my kids watching Masterchef than Next Top Model with its toxic messages about bodyshape and conventional standards of beauty.

      Reply

    • eliza says:

      10:54am | 16/07/10

      try being someone who’s really into food and cooking and doesn’t watch masterchef. the questions are even more infuriating when people assume that because you love food you simply MUST watch it. grr.

      Reply

    • Si says:

      11:56am | 16/07/10

      Tell me about it.  I love cooking, it’s one of my favourite things to do.  I have not watched a single episode of MasterChef and never will; to me it’s one step up from Big Brother which I loathed with a cold passion.  Yet at Christmas I was gifted with the MasterChef cookbook and asked what my favourite episode was.  The looks of shock when I admitted to not being a fan were priceless. Oh well, at least it has a nice recipe for Lemon Curd.

    • ibast says:

      12:36pm | 16/07/10

      I too fall into this category.  It’s not like you can tell them the show is an infomercial for morons.

    • Andy D says:

      11:52am | 16/07/10

      I love Masterchef haters, they make me laugh. It’s better at news.com.au where they get really worked up about their hatred for the show, it’s all a bit benign and considered over here at The Punch.

      If you get this pent up over a TV show that you don’t even watch how do you make it through life without your head exploding from paroxysms of rage?

      The best one was the guy who said “Masterchef is a disgrace. Food is fuel, not a hobby”, I would bet my years wage the guy who said that is a cyclist.

      Reply

    • Matt says:

      03:44pm | 16/07/10

      “I would bet my years wage the guy who said that is a cyclist.”

      24 carat GOLD Andy!

    • Shane From Melbourne says:

      12:04pm | 16/07/10

      Awesome concept!!! Where can I get a Candwhich?

      Reply

    • Sam Chowder says:

      12:18pm | 16/07/10

      SInce Masterchef invented food I find myself eating quite regularly, whereas before I had never even thought of putting food in my mouth.

      Reply

    • Michael C. Donovan says:

      12:08am | 17/07/10

      I have just seen this blog for myself ... it’s enough to make you a vegetarian.  Ladies and gentlemen, you have been warned!

    • Reg says:

      12:32pm | 16/07/10

      Never watched it or even felt a need and my family still rave about how tasty my efforts are.

      Vegetables in a three cheese sauce with 2” thick rump cooked fast then slow for 2x7 minutes and served with my home made Tarragon butter and of course, gravy made with PORT. wink

      The secret is that this is how I get them to eat their vegetables. Aussies have yet to understand that they cut their rump to thinly, in my opinion.

      Reply

    • Reg says:

      12:48pm | 16/07/10

      You know what though Sarah, those things must be irradiated to kill all the bacteria or they wouldn’t last. Cans of meat are cooked in the can for the same purpose but you can’t cook a sandwich and expect it to come out looking like what we expect.

      The same applies to lots of long lasting food. There is only salt and heat and irradiation. If they can’t use the first two then there is only one other and we are never told how they achieve this result. It’s probably concealed by commercial property agreements.

      Cryovac did this when they first came on the market in the 1950s by denying access to the area where it was being used. Now they can do the same sealing followed by irradiation.

      Reply

    • Beagle says:

      12:52pm | 16/07/10

      Unfortunately I can’t get away from Masterchef.

      My partner watches it and I often find myself in the kitchen of all places trying to escape this show.

      If you don’t like it, you should try not watching it, but having to put up with it droning in the background. It is the most ridiculous show ever and channel 10 can take the prize for having so many ridiculous shows as it’s base.

      Masterchef recipe.

      Take a song some wannabe wrote for an Australian Idol wannabe, mix in a little big brother and bring to the boil.

      Reduce the heat add some amazing race and survivor and any other reality tv show that has been shown in the last decade.

      Plate it up and serve it to a pompous toad and a couple of second rate cooks.

      For God’s sake, don’t make anything brown or the “food stylist” will be outraged down to her bogan boots. And never, Never, Never have anything but praise for the second rate chefs master class creations. or risk going home early.

      Reply

    • Beagle says:

      01:12pm | 16/07/10

      I do however get a chuckle when I go into one of the sponsors stores (you know, the one where the masterchef shops - the one who sold the “out of date filo”!).  If you still don’t know, check out the checkout person. they’ll be wearing a masterchef apron.

      I will go up to the grocer and ask him where can I find the mangosteens or fresh porcini or matsutake mushrooms and some truffle.
      Then I will go to the fish section and ask for an uncooked lobster and maybe some fresh whiting.
      Poultry I ask for a pigeon or a pheasant or perhaps some quail (oh, by the way can you give me a dozen quail eggs please. Oh, and by the way did you know that you cannot buy fresh duck in West Australia no matter where you shop?

    • Waldorf Stadler says:

      03:08pm | 16/07/10

      What’s Masterchef? To me it sounds like a special Muppet show featuring our favourite Swede, but i hear it’s actually a show on channel 10 that runs every night. Buggered if I know when since there seems to be a Coles ad running for an hour or so every night after 7.30.

      Reply

    • ibast says:

      03:34pm | 16/07/10

      An hour and a half.  Long enough to drive viewers away from the channel ten show they would normally watch at 8.30.

    • Denny Crane says:

      04:13pm | 16/07/10

      I have watched masterchef for all of 5 minutes, who wants to watch someone cook, if you do go into your kitchen watch your hsuband or wife cook, thats how easy it is.

      Watching people cook on TV is so hum, its just another reality show, whoever started this reality business has much to answer, when can see see quality TV instead of seeing how someone can warm a can of baked beans.

      Next it will be kids who can cook, or senior citizens who can cook, please spare us all

      Reply

    • Reg says:

      12:18am | 17/07/10

      DC. “if you do go into your kitchen watch your hsuband or wife cook, thats how easy it is.”

      As you’d know Denny, there’s many-a-murder committed in the kitchen and the wife of a friend couldn’t even create spag-boll without a queue forming at the verandah rail. I believe Nancy Kwong (?) is one of the judges and her cooking programs have been well worth watching. I think there are about six or eight things that can lead to enjoyable and healthy cooking but they just wouldn’t make a program so they have to fill it with bullshit, which is not all that palatable. But then it is on Channel 10, so if you watch it you deserve all you get.

      Reply

    • Paul says:

      03:32am | 17/07/10

      MasterChef? what it is ? No idea what series are you talking about.

      Reply

    • www.thepunch.com.au says:

      03:23pm | 20/04/11

      My name is sarrah and i dont watch masterchef.. Great! smile

      Reply
 
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