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My confession: I kissed the boss! ;-) xoxoxo

Tracey Spicer

by Tracey Spicer

05 Jul 05:45am

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Filed under: Communications, Email, Society, Work

46 comments

I kissed my boss yesterday. It felt weird. I regretted it immediately. But I’d already clicked “Send”.

And if all those xoxoxoxo's don't work, just try a few of these

There was no way back. At least it was only one kiss. I’ve received work emails from people of all ages, gender, and sexual persuasion with up to three kisses. Not to mention one xoxoxo.

At first I thought it was confined to women under the age of 25 working in public relations. Then I realised it was seeping into all workplace correspondence.

It got me thinking: Why do emails break the normal rules of engagement? Remember letters? There used to be a clear distinction between the “Yours”.

“Yours sincerely” is used when the sender knows the recipient; “Yours faithfully” when the recipient is not addressed by name. I have already addressed the use of “Best wishes” and the egomaniacal “Best” in a previous column.

This time, I want to dissect the “x”. I figure it’s cheap therapy after I inadvertently kissed the boss.

On the weekend, The New York Times published a fascinating column about the proliferation of exclamation marks in emails – a slippery slope to the smiley face.

I love this quote from guilty exclaimer Alex Knight: “If I use one, I will go back and delete the previous ones. It’s sort of ‘Sophie’s Choice’. ”

In their book Send: Why People Email So Badly and How to Do It Better, David Shipley and Will Schwalbe contend that email flattens the language.

“The exclamation point is the quickest and easiest way to kick things up a notch,” they write.

They also dissect the dash – but not the kiss.

Natalie Reilly from Sunday Life magazine reckons, “In an ultra-girlie or deeply superficial environment full of fragile egos (such as publishing), the x is a normalised mode of communication”.

“I have come to think of it as forced intimacy and therefore false,” she writes. “Moreover, if I’m asking a co-worker to do something, it changes the tone from “Please do this for the company” to “Pretty please, will you do this widdle favour for me?”

I disagree. You see, I’m one of those touch-feely people.

At the kids’ swimming lesson last week a woman I’d met twice told me about her father, who’s in nursing home suffering from dementia. I burst into tears and threw my arms around her. She was rather shocked.

So whenever I see the “x” from someone I barely know I think, “Gee, that’s inappropriate, but what a lovely girl/fella”. I try to refrain from ending work emails with ‘x’ or ‘Love, Trace’ but one or two have slipped through. Especially in tweets. 

You know that quote, “Twitter makes me love people I’ve never met and Facebook makes me hate people I know in real life”? I’ve kissed dozens of complete strangers.

Some were “talent” I was lining up to interview on 2UE or Sky News. It appears I’ve turned to the light side.

As Aimee Lee Ball writes in her NYT article, “Writing is by definition an imperfect medium for relaying the human voice”.

So please forgive those of us who get excited (!) forget our proper punctuation (–) or slobber all over you (xoxoxo) while communicating electronically.

To paraphrase Stevie Wonder, “I just emailed to say I love you. And could you please fix the photocopier?”

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46 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • S.L says:

      06:08am | 05/07/11

      It happens to everybody Tracy. On saturday night I recieved a text from the (married female) manager of the footy team I coach regarding pertinant club matters ending with an xxoo. At the game she said hi as normal and carried on with her duties off the field. After the game she came up and apologised for the xxoo as at the same time she was in a text convo with her daughter and she got us mixed up!

      Reply

    • VVS says:

      10:40am | 05/07/11

      Sure she got mixed up SL you old dog!

    • Tom says:

      11:11am | 05/07/11

      With apologies to my wife, my children and grandchildren, I announce that I too have been raped by Dominique Strauss-Kahn. It was a couple of years ago, but I am sure DSK remembers. (To save time and lawyers fees, can I ask that DSK just forwards a $2 million cheque to my home address. This figure is negotiable, but I won’t accept anything less than $2.)

    • Dotto says:

      07:53am | 05/07/11

      I use… dots.

      I use them for everything… from indicating “and so on” after an etc… or an omission of ... to a pause which should be indicated by a comma… or even a full stop.. !

      But sod it. When people get one of those emails, they know its me and should be able to… (ha)... identify my style.

      I dont do it in officially official emails, but pretty much everything else feels empty if I haven’t put ... somewhere.

      You say potato, I say “dot-dot-dot potahhto”

      Reply

    • acotrel says:

      08:21am | 05/07/11

      There isnothing wrong with sending your boss kisses in an email!  There’s probably too little love in workplaces anyway.  I once had a very nice Italian girl working for me.  She came into my office and said ‘I’ve got something to tell you.  -  I’m having our baby’.  Later I was telling my own boss what she’d said.  He asked ‘Is this true?’.  I answered ’ I wish!’.

    • jay-ded says:

      08:21am | 05/07/11

      Me too Dotto….  I also like the smiley faces smile

    • Richard Perin says:

      08:02am | 05/07/11

      Xo@

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      10:22am | 05/07/11

      !!!! off.(!)

    • kirsty says:

      08:10am | 05/07/11

      MamaMia have had a few articles relating to the xoxing in the work place especially the publishing world.  I can’t imagine doing it in mu current job as I don’t think my clients or boss would really appreciate it, I have been guilty of the smiley face to a few people but I generally wait until they do it first before returning the favour.
      http://www.mamamia.com.au/social/confessions-of-an-inappropriate-kisser/

      Reply

    • acotrel says:

      08:43am | 05/07/11

      @Kirsty Where do civility, manners, affection and respect start and finish?  Look in a mirror!

    • kirsty says:

      09:39am | 05/07/11

      Civility, manners and respect are one thing but affection is a whole other bag of chips in the work place.

    • acotrel says:

      11:31am | 05/07/11

      Kirsty, you worry too much!  You’ll spend most of your life in the workplace, and probably meet your life partner through it.  All you need do is keep your relationships appropriate, with no conflict of interest! Word of advice - marry the boss’s son!

    • Lisa H. says:

      12:42am | 06/07/11

      A whole gaggle of women’s ‘hard-hitting’ journalism articles on whether it is useful to one’s career to ‘xoxo’??

      Sorry, cannot bring myself to click the link. I just know it’s gonna be banal (call me psychic)

    • iansand says:

      08:32am | 05/07/11

      My theory, FWIW, is that email and texting have reintroduced written communication to people who do not necessarily read a lot. 

      In the olden days people who wrote tended to be people who read.  Writers of letters and reports etc almost always were exposed to other people’s writing.  The best way to develop a decent writing style is to read a lot.  You see what is good and what is bad.  You also learn to spell by osmosis.  Now, this is not necessarily the case so there is no osmotic absorption of style or convention.  And we get sub-literate texts and emails.

      I confess to being slightly anal.  I am probably the only person I know who punctuates texts, to the extent of adding apostrophes and commas.

      Reply

    • acotrel says:

      09:02am | 05/07/11

      @iansand I always thought osmosis had something to do with salt solutions?

    • Direct says:

      09:14am | 05/07/11

      I punctuate my emails despite my grammar and syntax being appalling. I was never taught correct grammar. At first I thought it was an anomaly with my schooling, however it turns out that most people don’t know grammar and will only learn it at University level if they study linguistics.

    • ibast says:

      09:59am | 05/07/11

      I have a theory that grammar and punctuations are much more important than spelling.  You can misspell a word and people will know exactly what you mean, but poor grammar and punctuation can complete reverse the meaning of a sentence.  Spelling Nazi’s give me the shits.

    • James1 says:

      10:42am | 05/07/11

      “Spelling Nazi’s give me the shits.”

      One hopes this was intentional.

    • ibast says:

      11:12am | 05/07/11

      Someone’s awake.

    • Danny B says:

      03:46pm | 05/07/11

      iansand,

      You’re not the only one who punctuates texts.  I also do the same for online chat conversations - I even had a friend say it was weird, once.

    • acotrel says:

      09:50am | 05/07/11

      @Direct Reading reinforces good grammar.  I studied Latin for 5 years at secondary school.  I know all the cases, declensions, and other nuances, such as the subjunctive, in that language.  When I read a book of any kind, I believe I have very good comprehension.

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      10:24am | 05/07/11

      ‘comprehension’ ?
      You sure bout/dat, bro ?

    • Anubis says:

      10:07am | 05/07/11

      Tracey - From my understanding of Industrial Relations what you did amounts to blatant sexual harassment. If the same had been done by a male to a female boss or colleague you and your ilk would be screaming to have him neutered and outcast. Double Standards Tracey. It is sickening.

      Reply

    • acotrel says:

      08:14pm | 05/07/11

      @Anubis - Hi Erick!

    • Gladys says:

      10:16am | 05/07/11

      After a few months out of the workforce, I went to send a business email and put the xx at the end. Luckily I took them out on RE-READING. I learned the hard way, write the email, go away for a few minutes and go back and re-read it to check it for spelling (it’s very easy to get your you’re yore wrong, isn’t it, Sales?) and things like xx.

      And while I use a question mark, ! is saved for when I need to put an expletive in and do this !@#$.

      But as I re-read my emails, I tend to take that out too and put in ‘I’m very frustrated with this situation and hope you can help me rectify it at your earliest possible convenience.’

      Sorta works for me this re-reading thing.

      Reply

    • Allycaat says:

      10:18am | 05/07/11

      “and the egomaniacal “Best”” - I could not agree more.  I really hate it when the marketing girls at work send their emails signed with this.  It really is the snootiest you could possibly be in an email, and puts their requests right at the bottom of my priority list.  In other news, i am a BIG fan of the -.

      Great article Tracey!

      Reply

    • Harquebus says:

      10:35am | 05/07/11

      Some of us know better than to use facebook or twitter. These things were developed by guys who know computers and networking to take advantage of those who don’t.
      You don’t need to know how to fix a car to crash one.

      Reply

    • RyaN says:

      10:52am | 05/07/11

      Is that like being ageist and denigrating people exercising their right to be heard? What was it again Tracey, dinosaurs?

      Still no apology I see! Unsurprising!

      Reply

    • Wickerman says:

      10:55am | 05/07/11

      Punctuation - some my failures/flaws:
      1. when to : instead of ; & vica versa
      2. overuse of -
      3. when to use / instead of ,
      4. overuse of () to clarify things

      Number 1 rule for email: Think before sending it - don’t write an email angry.

      Reply

    • The righteous one says:

      01:37pm | 05/07/11

      that wont help, because the recipient cant gauge your body language

    • Sandle says:

      03:57pm | 05/07/11

      I have a sign taped to the top of my moniter that simply says ‘3 Minutes’ in giant red letters. Reminds me to wait atleast 3 minutes before responding to emails and phone calls, especially when it has caused high tension.

    • Max Redlands says:

      11:00am | 05/07/11

      Ellipses (...) and the dash are acceptable, accepted and useful punctuation marks, although often a dash should just be a comma.

      I, too, object to the informality that creeeps into formal correspondence, particulalry electronic correspondence.

      My bete noire is the valediction - “Kind Regards” - whenever it is used but especially in formal or business correspondence. Cringe-worthy (imho).

      Reply

    • Lisa H. says:

      12:29pm | 05/07/11

      Well I’m with Natalie Reilly.

      Every little girl has to grow up sometime, and be judged on her abilities in the workplace, not on how ‘nice’ or ‘friendly’ or ‘kissy’ she is.

      It’s another version of ‘dressing for success’... blow-waves and the ‘smoky eye’ for emails.

      Reply

    • NSW says:

      01:23pm | 05/07/11

      How old are you again Tracey?

      Reply

    • The righteous one says:

      01:29pm | 05/07/11

      bloody hell tracey, Erick will have a field day with this, it will all the boss’ fault indiscriminite x ‘s in emails next thing you know you will acuse him of violently forwarding the email and he didnt mean any harm he was just a poor misguided male,  oooh god,  Erick was right you’re all temptresses out to have your evil ways with men because they are second class citizens and the family lawcourt will take the boss to the cleaners and he will be doomed to being the first poster for the rest of his twisted bitter existence

      Reply

    • mike j says:

      02:08pm | 05/07/11

      Solving, once and for all, the mystery of how most female Punch bloggers got a job in the first place.

      Reply

    • AnthonyG says:

      03:16pm | 05/07/11

      Tracey r u sure you weren’t meant to say u blew the boss? It apparently it gets them up the ladder quicker

      Reply

    • Demoman says:

      05:00pm | 05/07/11

      A whole lot of words about a whole lot of nothing.

      You see why women voting was the dumbest move ever?

      Reply

    • Lesley Laurel says:

      05:56pm | 05/07/11

      Kiss the Boss? Are you a Crawler or a Liberal Voter?
      Remember the old crawler in the workforce saying from Mark Shields
      “always kiss upwards and always kick downwards”

      Reply

    • Dark Horse says:

      07:27pm | 05/07/11

      I had a female subordinate who occasionally sent me emails with Love or xxx on it and I must say I always loved it. I was very attracted to her, but never reciprocated because of the supervisor/subordinate relationship.

      Now that she’s gone, I’m sorry I never “tested the water”, it may have been exciting at a time of my life when celibacy is getting a bit boring. xxx.

      Reply

    • Robin says:

      07:33pm | 05/07/11

      I’m a boss and you can kiss me any time Tracey. wink xxx

      PS: And I’m a boss too!

      Reply

    • kj_storm says:

      09:12pm | 05/07/11

      At my work I spend a lot of time poking my tounge out at people. raspberry

      Reply

    • TB_tempest says:

      10:28pm | 05/07/11

      Are you Michael Jordan?

      Reply

    • Paulus says:

      10:48pm | 05/07/11

      Don’t put x’s & o’s in your e-mails unless you are going to do it in real life, and you’d do it in front of their partner. Or your partner. You’ve put it in an e-mail (or Tweeted, posted on Facebook,) and therefore you may as well have posted it on the Town Hall wall. E-mails can be printed, read over someone’s shoulder and forwarded to ANYONE, showing the world (a snapshot,) of how you spell and ‘feel,’ and by association whether to be taken seriously. And they can be kept forever by someone else and you can’t take them back or make disclaimers or adjustments once they are gone.
      I’m not advocating a sterile environment- sure you can be a little playful, just be prudent and mindful that it may be read by the world at any time. (F7 is my friend : )

      Reply
 
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